Age difference of fiance to fiancee?

[rlogan 2,036]

Rlogan, I'm so delighted that you took one for the collective PI team. Thank you for falling on the sword and acknowledging that what you and most of the USC spouses really wanted from their PI spouses was a teenaged hardbody. You rock! I think many of us suspected this all along, however, having you confirm this for us now alleviates our suspicions. Congratulations to you and all USCs married to Filipinas for getting your wish to marry a gal with the body of a porn star.

Perfect, thanks!

See how I'm supposed to feel bad?

Suspicion. Hahahahaha! This is the magic of pejorative rhetoric. And this "falling on the sword". Presto-chango... a good thing transformed into a bad thing (so they hope).

You bet having a smoking hot body is a good thing. That's why it's on the cover of every women's magazine - how to get that smoking hot body. The diet of the week. The picture of the... smoking hot body you wish you had yourself. Secrets to looking younger. It doesn't work on me, hon. I celebrate what I have. I'm not as stupid as you wish, to watch women spending billions a year trying to look like my wife... and then feel bad about having my wife.

Obviously, that bothers you. Care to explain why that bothers you so much? I'm very eager to hear your explanation.

[actob99 156]

I think many of us suspected this all along, however, having you confirm this for us now alleviates our suspicions. Congratulations to you and all USCs married to Filipinas for getting your wish to marry a gal with the body of a porn star.

Your society's view of a body of a porn star is not 5 foot - 95 pounds!!!!!! But you can spin whatever you want..

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

Putting aside the use of "retard" multiple times in that post, it's pretty offensive to refer to any woman over the age of 30 as an "old hag." You may think others look at you and wish you ill because you married a woman so much younger than you, but it's rather hypocritical to then slam anyone married to someone over the age of 30 because their partner happens to no longer be in the very first flush of youth. It reduces women to what's on the outside, which seems so puzzling when so much emphasis in this thread has been on the content of one's partner's character. Surely all of us are more than a firm bottom.

I would think that people so confident in their choice of partner wouldn't have to be so defensive that they're a good candidate for a Xanax time-out.

[actob99 156]

Putting aside the use of "retard" multiple times in that post, it's pretty offensive to refer to any woman over the age of 30 as an "old hag."

I guess you didn't get the point that these words were being used by someone attacking someones relationship. He didn't say all women over 30 are Hag's and he didn't call YOU a retard. But if you're offended?? If the glove fits....

[Nasturtium 500]

Yes, I absolutely do want to have sex with a 19 year old instead of a 50-something.

Look at you and your old hag.

So can we safely summarize that WOT as the above?

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I guess you didn't get the point that these words were being used by someone attacking someones relationship. He didn't say all women over 30 are Hag's and he didn't call YOU a retard. But if you're offended?? If the glove fits....

Perhaps I should have written "someone" instead of "anyone" married to someone over the age of 30. And yes, I do find the words "retard" and "retarded" offensive, even when they're not directed at me.

Now you're attacking me, implying perhaps that I am an old hag or -- perhaps -- a "retard"? Lovely!

Let your love light shine. In all honesty, I don't care a fig what people do in their own relationships or why they form them. I do, however, care when people project their own insecurities about their own relationships onto other people and malign women as a class, instead of as individuals.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

30 is old. I am ancient.

[I AM NOT THAT GUY 5,715]

This thread would be much better with pictures, so let's see all those trophy wives, so we can give them the critical eye.

[Nasturtium 500]

Perhaps I should have written "someone" instead of "anyone" married to someone over the age of 30. And yes, I do find the words "retard" and "retarded" offensive, even when they're not directed at me.

Now you're attacking me, implying perhaps that I am an old hag or -- perhaps -- a "retard"? Lovely!

Let your love light shine. In all honesty, I don't care a fig what people do in their own relationships or why they form them. I do, however, care when people project their own insecurities about their own relationships onto other people and malign women as a class, instead of as individuals.

I am old and a hag. I went overseas to get a young boytoy to serve me grapes and make cheese. I think cheese making should be the new standard for imports.

[elmcitymaven 9,712]

I am old and a hag. I went overseas to get a young boytoy to serve me grapes and make cheese. I think cheese making should be the new standard for imports.

Well, they do say, "Blessed are the cheesemakers."

[one...two...tree 2,762]

My personal issue with this line of thinking is that you are confining the discussion to Filipinas specifically (and perhaps Southeast Asians in general). The issue is endemic worldwide. Upwards social movement is easiest when done through marriage for everyone, regardless of nationality or ethnicity. It is not gender specific either. Look at the large number of older white women that marry young Nigerian men for example. It is not only perceived wealth though but also a difference in cultural expectations of a spouse. Ask your average single college-educated, 25 year old woman in the US what marriage and family means to her and ask the same of a single, college-educated, 25 year old Filipina and compare the answers. That may give much more of an indication why American men seek out relationships overseas.

However I think you have a flawed assumption. American men are not the best when it comes to financial stability (that would be Northern European and Japanese men) and the major advantage we hold over those that have better financial situations is that English is native for us and Filipino culture is heavily influenced by the US. Culture and language are major hurdles for the women of the Philippines to overcome when marrying a foreigner but are avoided without too much trouble by marrying an American.

You bring up some valid points about why many Filipinas marry American men, but that's really beside the point since across the board, it's largely older men marrying younger women - a statistic that doesn't exist in other foreign marriages when both spouses are from similar economic backgrounds.

There aren't many older men marrying younger American women who are poor because even among the poorest Americans, they believe that economic opportunities exist without having to marry for them that their Filipina counterparts don't have.

[davenjanet 22]

There aren't many older men marrying younger American women who are poor because even among the poorest Americans, they believe that economic opportunities exist without having to marry for them that their Filipina counterparts don't have.

As a card carrying liberal, I hate to sound like a right winger but the poorest American woman also knows she has a government and social services to back her up instead of a husband (older or otherwise). That's a dynamic that doesn't exist in most 3rd world nations.

While I agree with some of your assertions, your conclusions don't add up. Women (not just poor, not just Filipina) are hardwired to create protective environments for themselves and their children. No woman in her right mind thinks "I want to find an unemployed bum on skid row to marry." The look for viable men; men who can take care of them. Partly that involves economics. Our mothers did this, our grandmothers did. This did not make them gold diggers. It made them mature women interested in protecting themselves and future generations. So yes - money is important; it has a place in marriage.

They say that love is a mystery and I believe this; yet is does have parameters. Women are often attracted to men of power, of influence, of accomplishment - which sometimes (though not always) means the guy has a few bucks in the bank. Men are attracted to a woman's youth and fertility, not always but pretty damn often. It's laughable when people pretend otherwise.

I disagree with the notion that older men and younger women do not occur in other societies, particularly when the parties come from similar economic backgrounds. In fact other than American society it's a pretty damn common site to those who've traveled. And within American society if you go back a couple generations if was also quite common. I am old enough to remember lots of older-younger couples when I was a kid. My grandfather was married to a woman 25 years younger (and from the same economic and social background) and no one thought twice of it.

Today I have tons of friends in my age category married or living with much younger women (foreign and domestic). It's a much more common dynamic than we believe. I think that, like homosexuality a generation or two ago, some people don't see it cause they don't want to see it.

But ultimately I think these economic lessons are a red herring. People don't like it not for economic reasons - but because at some core level they think it's immoral, unethical or creepy. Most of the time they can't even say why it's immoral or wrong - they just know that it is!

What strikes me as odd is that here we have an entire forum populated by people bringing their foreign fiancees or spouses to America. For many Americans that in and of itself is a problem and the people involved will be judged. Yet even we seem determined to judge others' relationships. Shouldn't we be cheering each other on? Personally I just don't get it.

[Artisan 138]

You bring up some valid points about why many Filipinas marry American men, but that's really beside the point since across the board, it's largely older men marrying younger women - a statistic that doesn't exist in other foreign marriages when both spouses are from similar economic backgrounds.

There aren't many older men marrying younger American women who are poor because even among the poorest Americans, they believe that economic opportunities exist without having to marry for them that their Filipina counterparts don't have.

Perhaps that is true in your area or your perception of those around you is biased. When I did work with the US Census a couple of years ago I had the opportunity to canvas a rather large 'white trash' neighborhood just outside of Youngstown, OH. Many of the homes there had significant age differences between the men and women. Personally, I know a lot of women that have married much older men. As for foreign brides being younger it is not just common between Southeast Asia and the US, but Eastern Europe and the US as well. It is not only a matter of wealth either, but of culture. When a young woman is raised to believe that she is an old maid by 27 and that her whole purpose in life is to raise a family and take care of a husband (values that are still heavily taught in both Asia and Eastern Europe) it becomes much more obvious why that young woman would select a man who is stable, both emotionally and domestically (most men have their wild oats sown by 30). Wealth is only a factor for some and mores and culture are more attractive to others.

My wife had no interest in dating or marrying a foreigner. To her most Americans are awful people because, as a whole, American culture promotes infidelity, small families, distance between siblings, and elderly parents who are cared for by people other than their children. Our first conversations were about family and religion. I was 38 when we met and had never been married which made me a prospective. It was only after she found out that I care for my retired mother and disabled sister at home that she knew I was the one for her. I give of myself to family far more than I give to earning money and to Michelle that is far more important. All of the things that made me attractive to Michelle are all negatives for many Western women due to a different value system. As for myself, I wasn't looking for a young woman to marry. I wasn't looking for anyone at all. I had a stable life and I was quite happy being single. I had enough responsibilities at home. However a chance meeting and conversation led to a lot more and I couldn't be happier than I am now. Yes, my wife is young and attractive but had Michelle been just as she is but years older and not as pretty I would have married her just the same.

[Krikit 1,164]

They say that love is a mystery and I believe this; yet is does have parameters. Women are often attracted to men of power, of influence, of accomplishment - which sometimes (though not always) means the guy has a few bucks in the bank. Men are attracted to a woman's youth and fertility, not always but pretty damn often. It's laughable when people pretend otherwise.

It depends what stage of life you are at, in combination with many many other variables. Each and every person looks at the same thing -- each coming at it from a unique set of circumstances and viewpoints -- and each and every one of them has a different take on the matter. I don't believe people are pretending anything. They're just coming at it from a different angle.

But ultimately I think these economic lessons are a red herring. People don't like it not for economic reasons - but because at some core level they think it's immoral, unethical or creepy. Most of the time they can't even say why it's immoral or wrong - they just know that it is!

What strikes me as odd is that here we have an entire forum populated by people bringing their foreign fiancees or spouses to America. For many Americans that in and of itself is a problem and the people involved will be judged. Yet even we seem determined to judge others' relationships. Shouldn't we be cheering each other on? Personally I just don't get it.

See, here's the thing for me. I can't find where people are judging. Stating their viewpoint, yes. I see you stating yours also. I honestly don't get what people are up in arms about. In fact, I just went back a number of pages to try to find it. Interestingly enough, it was one of your posts which triggered the judgementalism about people being judgemental.

You (the collective you) are never going to be able to stop people from having an opinion. And you are never going to be able to have those opinions be the same. This goes for everything in life. Everything! It seems to me that there is an awful lot of time spent on victim impact statements..... to the point where I am beginning to believe that this is actually the payoff.... that men are using the jealousy angle to draw attention to the fact that they have a younger woman. Kind of like the narcissistic beautiful (in her eyes) woman with no female friends who claims that women don't like her because she's beautiful..... when, in fact, it has nothing to do with external beauty and everything to do with internal beauty.

It seems to me that there is much ado about nothing.

In any event, the original question.... many moons ago..... was:

"Is it a matter of desperation for such young girls to marry old guys? Is it for love or money?"

My response to that is "maybe". Maybe it's desperation. Maybe it's for love. Maybe it's for money. Maybe it's for two of those reasons. Maybe it's for all three. Ultimately, the only person who it matters to is the man bringing her here. And he has already factored that into his decision.

[B_J 2,752]

See, here's the thing for me. I can't find where people are judging.

Here's the thing for me.

When people make a statement that we (American men who married a woman from the Philippines) married for any reason other than love - it is judging. It's also very insulting.

I assume that every person on VJ, no matter which country they are from, marries for love. Yet, for some reason, it is acceptable to think less of my marriage?

If someone wants to know about my marriage, then ask. But don't tell me we married because I wanted a young wife and she wanted money. It is insulting and judgmental. To claim it isn't is not believable.