Friends reactions

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My husband's family were all wary and skeptical, although when I got here and spent some time with them, his Mom fell in love with me (and she never liked any of their girlfriends, boyfriends, wives and husbands). I think the latter created more trouble for me, because although they were happy that their youngest brother is now happy and his life is getting "fixed" and better with my help, they are jealous of my relationship with their mother with whom they were never really close. When she died and we had arguments on some issues especially of how they disposed of their mother's things (like trashing almost everything when many of them could still be recycled or given away to a lot of interested people here), they started hating me for being "interfering" and for making it more stressful. They thought that they had the monopoly on grief and managing their parent's estate just because they were her flesh and blood. Only my husband really understood how close we've been and how much I knew her better in some ways that they ever did, because it was mostly me and my husband who spent almost everyday of the the last year with her while she was battling her cancer. It was even I who was there on her last moments before she actually died.

You are of course are entitled to grieve but they're right that it's none of your business what they do with the estate. If the mother named you in the Will that's a different matter entirely. Your husband should have been the one handling it. I'm not trying to be rude but you've only been in his life since 2009. You've only been in the country since 2010. You might have spoken with her a lot but that doesn't make you her child, and doesn't give you any right to have a say. You WERE meddling and combined with their jealousy of your friendship with her I understand why they'd get ticked off at you. You could have suggested charities (though I would have had your husband do it so they didn't NOT do it out of spite) and what not then let them decide. I'm not saying they're right, I agree charities would be a MUCH better idea (plus donations are a tax deduction so it makes financial sense as well) but I also understand having a family member stick their nose in where it doesn't belong.

My sister has been with her husband for 10 years (11 soon). He still won't have a say in how we dispose of my parents estate, and he wouldn't presume to have a say. He could make suggestions, he'd be there if we asked his opinion, but he's aware they're OUR parents, not his. He'd get ticked if he thought we made the wrong decision but he's done that before and I've proven him wrong (he told me my expensive laptop was a waste of money when I bought it in 2007 and instead bought a cheaper one he said would last just as long and my sister bought one as well. Both those laptops have died and he'd on a desktop now and my laptop is still going strong - if in need of more RAM).

The problem with partners/husbands/wives is you feel your spouse is an expert on something but your family might not agree. My sister for instance thinks her husband is a financial wizz, my mother does not agree but the problem here is she doesn't TELL my sister or her husband that's her opinion so at her death my sister would think mum would agree and let him handle stuff but she wouldn't.

My husband is a diesel mechanic (among other things). This means I WOULD trust him to have an opinion on vehicles, however he knows US vehicles, not Australian so my family wouldn't trust his opinion implicitly (and he actually wouldn't trust it either), not to mention he knows what programs exist in the US, he doesn't know what exists in Australia or my little home town (scrap yard, metal yard, selling individual parts etc).

In comparison, how would you feel if his family decided they should have a say in your husbands estate when the time comes? It would be ridiculous and you'd be annoyed and upset that during a time of grief and stress that you have to deal with that as well.

I know this is OT but maybe this is a personal thing, maybe this is a cultural thing but it's not your place. Doesn't mean they have a right to be rude to you but I understand them telling you to ####### off (and I would forgive them for that because they are/were grieving).

[TeapotGirl 66]

There will be a lot of judgement here, the difference is that your family and friends are the only one who the gut to tell you what others can't tell you on your face. Hopefully their views will change once your fiancee meets everybody.

Personally, I am more concerned about the "green card hungry chink" and that I was picked from an online "Subic bay catalogue". The rest is nothing. His relatives live 30mins away from him but his brother, niece and sis-in-law likes me so I think I am fine.

[David & Kezia 25]

You are of course are entitled to grieve but they're right that it's none of your business what they do with the estate. If the mother named you in the Will that's a different matter entirely. Your husband should have been the one handling it. I'm not trying to be rude but you've only been in his life since 2009. You've only been in the country since 2010. You might have spoken with her a lot but that doesn't make you her child, and doesn't give you any right to have a say. You WERE meddling and combined with their jealousy of your friendship with her I understand why they'd get ticked off at you. You could have suggested charities (though I would have had your husband do it so they didn't NOT do it out of spite) and what not then let them decide. I'm not saying they're right, I agree charities would be a MUCH better idea (plus donations are a tax deduction so it makes financial sense as well) but I also understand having a family member stick their nose in where it doesn't belong.

My sister has been with her husband for 10 years (11 soon). He still won't have a say in how we dispose of my parents estate, and he wouldn't presume to have a say. He could make suggestions, he'd be there if we asked his opinion, but he's aware they're OUR parents, not his. He'd get ticked if he thought we made the wrong decision but he's done that before and I've proven him wrong (he told me my expensive laptop was a waste of money when I bought it in 2007 and instead bought a cheaper one he said would last just as long and my sister bought one as well. Both those laptops have died and he'd on a desktop now and my laptop is still going strong - if in need of more RAM).

The problem with partners/husbands/wives is you feel your spouse is an expert on something but your family might not agree. My sister for instance thinks her husband is a financial wizz, my mother does not agree but the problem here is she doesn't TELL my sister or her husband that's her opinion so at her death my sister would think mum would agree and let him handle stuff but she wouldn't.

My husband is a diesel mechanic (among other things). This means I WOULD trust him to have an opinion on vehicles, however he knows US vehicles, not Australian so my family wouldn't trust his opinion implicitly (and he actually wouldn't trust it either), not to mention he knows what programs exist in the US, he doesn't know what exists in Australia or my little home town (scrap yard, metal yard, selling individual parts etc).

In comparison, how would you feel if his family decided they should have a say in your husbands estate when the time comes? It would be ridiculous and you'd be annoyed and upset that during a time of grief and stress that you have to deal with that as well.

I know this is OT but maybe this is a personal thing, maybe this is a cultural thing but it's not your place. Doesn't mean they have a right to be rude to you but I understand them telling you to ####### off (and I would forgive them for that because they are/were grieving).

You're right that I did seem like I was meddling, but we were given the responsibility of cleaning up the house, including doing the estate sale and such. In the end, it was actually mostly up to me, because my husband was busy with his work and I was the one who had the free time to do all that, including selling their Mom's business.

The problem arise because I was given a responsibility only for them to take it back (or interfere) and then give it back again. How would you feel if you were given the task of selling something and then when your deal was about to be wrapped up, they would suddenly interfere and the deal would go off because they went straight to the client offering them a very low price and now the client realizes that they can take advantage of you because you seem desperate and go demand more deals (and less money)? Then after they realized their big mistake (even without them admitting to it), they want you to pick up where you left off and somehow salvage the botched up deal, and then blame you for everything that went south? It was really really frustrating, especially getting blamed for a failure that wasn't your fault.

As for the "trash", yes, they were mostly doing it out of spite, as there were already people there to pick it up, but they embarassed me and everyone else by not giving it away just because they already loaded it into their car and would take it to the dump later. They showed up only twice over the 2-3 weeks that we were doing everything, not to help as they said they would (as they didn't even pick up a broom), but only to mess up all the arrangements and the system that me and my husband created, and take out the "trash" even though there was no need for them to do it. They even once pretended to know their Mom's charity, but it was all wrong because they thought that they are all the same, while I knew which one specifically because I "listened" to their mother and I also read her spreadsheet when she was doing her last year's taxes and she was teaching me when and when not those donations make a difference in one's taxes.

Even with the settling of the financial estate that the sister was tasked with (while was hubby was the health POA), my husband is now saying that if I was here for another year earlier and her Mom had the time to edit her trust documents and named me trustee or (even just as an official assistant to the main trustee), things would have been easier and less stressful to everyone, because I knew more law and I was more organized with things, unlike her "scatterbrained" sister who stressed over everything and had a difficulty with the banks, contacts, etc., which she wouldn't have an any trouble with, if she only read and understood all the emails and documents that their Mom prepared and left for them before she died. All that trouble and preparation that their Mom did so that she wouldn't be a burden to them after she died, and it was all for nothing, because she didn't even read the emails nor kept the records well enough.

And no, if my husband goes before me, or when my own Dad dies, I don't want anyone else interfering in how we administer our own affairs, except maybe for a few family friends whose opinions I trust and respect. When my Mom died, my own Dad didn't even interfere much with how we handled things, and although we consulted for people's wishes and opinions (thus the decision to extend my Mom's funeral for 5 days instead of having her buried the next day), it was mostly me and my sister who made all the arrangements and everything else, because we were the persons who everyone understands "knows best" (not only "knows best" our mother and her wishes, but also knows best on how to go about the other things like banks, retirements and other paperwork). My husband gives his opinions sometimes on how I handle the affairs of our clan, and I listen to him even though he's often wrong as his opinions are usually based on his own misconceptions and experiences, but his feedback does give me better insight every now and then, so I thank him for his feedback while I explain/correct his other misconceptions.

Generally, I didn't think that dealing with in-laws would be such trouble for a very friendly girl like me. We all started good, and I thought I clinched it when their Mom fell in love with me, only to realize that it was when things started going south with the other siblings.

[BobnCherry 10]

Suprisingly my family is very supportive some of my friends think I need a check up from the neck up!

[Jim N Augie 16]

Teapot as Jim said above I am not sure how you met has any bearing on whether your Friends and/or Family is willing to accept the facts that i mentioned above. whether you met in person here or there online or whatever if they have "Closed Minds", i dont think it matters to them and sure as H.... dont matter to me! its my life and its their life!! :thumbs:

I Couldn't agree more my friend we only get one life, best to live it!

[Jim N Augie 16]

Couple of points... First, regarding a fast marriage... I think most K1 visa petitioners would love to allow their fiancee to visit at least once before committing

to marriage. But, not really a possibility with our broken immigration system. And second, cut strings with those that are not open minded. If they are not willing to give her a chance,,, then do they deserve one?

Regards,

I agree the system is not a help. people should take as much time as they can before marriage and as much in person as they can too. marriage can succeed or fail just as easily no matter how you met. a closed minded person tends to remain that way. If someone doesnt respect my wife or relationship then they also dont respect me.

[Jim N Augie 16]

I am not trying to be Dr.Phil here but I do not believe it doesn't matter AT ALL. It hurts specially for the Filipino one. She's the foreigner, you are not. She's the one who has to blend in. As MI.PI said, you defy it with your actions. Dress appropriately, talk with sense, and show something special. Just try a little and not be too defensive about it.

We all want peace among friends and family if you must have everyones approval then just keep trying I guess its up to you . theres no one right answer it is whatever is best for you but for me respect is a two way street be you family or friend

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You're right that I did seem like I was meddling, but we were given the responsibility of cleaning up the house, including doing the estate sale and such. In the end, it was actually mostly up to me, because my husband was busy with his work and I was the one who had the free time to do all that, including selling their Mom's business.

<snip>

Generally, I didn't think that dealing with in-laws would be such trouble for a very friendly girl like me. We all started good, and I thought I clinched it when their Mom fell in love with me, only to realize that it was when things started going south with the other siblings.

Oh don't take me wrong, I do think they were being quite ridiculous but I can also understand their upset, it's hard being fabulous and having people jealous of you

I am completely with you on the dealing with in-laws issue. I'm a good person, (sometimes that's more deep down than normal ) but Tony's family just aren't. It appeared to start good for me as well, except his mother is a narcissist, his oldest younger sister was off in CA for Uni and his little sister is an entitled brat. I never stood a chance it seems. Sometimes it gets me down (well any time I think about it actually) but just like you would with friends, if they're not good people they're not worth your time.

[southcalhog 43]

I Couldn't agree more my friend we only get one life, best to live it!

Amen Bro...This is it as far as I know, one Life and make the best of it! thats what WE are going to do, with them or without them! I am not begging anyone to like me or My Future Wife! You disrespect her or dont like her for whatever reason or ME, then leave US BE!!!

I agree the system is not a help. people should take as much time as they can before marriage and as much in person as they can too. marriage can succeed or fail just as easily no matter how you met. a closed minded person tends to remain that way. If someone doesnt respect my wife or relationship then they also dont respect me.

So True!

[edwardteresa4ever 18]

everybody seems really happy for us, and then I just fall back to an ol Irish saying " heres a toast to all those who wish us well and those that dont can go to hell.

[Jim N Augie 16]

everybody seems really happy for us, and then I just fall back to an ol Irish saying " heres a toast to all those who wish us well and those that dont can go to hell.

Being Irish I do whole heartedly agree

[Hank_ 9,174]

... the softest water will wear down the hardest stone.

[BJZags 17]

In our case, there really weren't any reactions. Her parents like me, and my parents liked her. Enough said. If there were any "reactions" it was believe it or not from some members of the local Fil-Am community after they heard we had met online. Not sure why this was perceived as strange in that many couples, foreign relationship or not, meet in this manner.

[Kang 22]

IMO, it has to do with the perception that people who met online are into the mail-order-bride system. I'm not saying this is true, but it's what a lot of people think. It doesn't help that the biggest nation who send MOBs is the Philippines

And among Filipinos, there are people who see people "marrying out" as not really being in a genuine relationship but the Filipino spouse just wanting to come to the US/foreign country by getting married. Again, I am not saying that this is true for most couples but there is the stereotype. It also does not help that the Philippines is listed as a high fraud country by the State Department so the USEM tends to be "tough"

Edited November 20, 2011 by Kang

[Mark&Fatima 14]

After reading some of the replies here I am so very thankful that I have encountered nothing negative. My Father, brother, friends, co-workers, and my kids from my first marriage are all very happy for us and look forward to meeting her...especially my 12 year old twin daughters!