What kind of advice would you give him?

[cassi9879 20]

My marine friend was 27 when he married his 18 year old

wife (now 32 & 22 respectively). Right now he's at sea but will

be coming home in about a week. He said he told her while

he's gone that she can pretty much do whatever she wants

but not go to places or participate in things not appropriate

for a married person.

His wife recently told him that she wants more independence.

Now what that really means one can only speculate. In the

back of his mind he's thinking the worse (she's cheating and/

or wants to leave him) and it's affecting his work.

Has anyone been in or known someone who's gone through

this? What kind of advise would you give him on how to

approach this conversation when he returns home?

[Inky 1,111]

Talk to her and find out what she means by more independence. To some people it means completely different things and the worse thing to do right now is to jump to conclusions thinking automatically cheating etc. He needs to sit down and talk to her before placing in his mind that shes cheating etc or the conversation will not go well at all.

If he needs advice from other military spouses that are female and male then he can check out milspouse magazine forums. Lots of people post about military marriage issues and get help with their topics on there.

[luckytxn 2,265]

You really have no idea what the whole story is. He could have told her that she was more limited than he told you and she is chafing at this. She could be very lonely and want to go out more. This is a time where anything said and recommended is all speculation. It is for the two of them to sit down privately and let it all out truthfully and honestly.

[Leatherneck 693]

I'll assume based on his age he's been in the Corps a few years. Surely he knows that under the Marine Corps Family Advocacy Program, each base offers a Community Counseling Center/Community Counseling Services where he and the wife can get early intervention. I know at some bases they have "Open Door Counseling," meaning no need to complete any paperwork.

What she really means by "wants more independence" does need to be explored, specifically as to why she feels she is less independent now. Her age is a huge factor and he might want to look at her friends and associates to see if there is outside influence. The early intervention through counseling might help them.

I understand how he feels, being deployed is stressful and to add family related stress on the plate can impact his performance and readiness. I know from his age, he's fully aware of what happens when a unit or multiple units deploy, the NCO and enlisted clubs suddenly fill up with 'widows by deployment' being at the top of the list. Not saying that her intent, I don't know her.

A Marine underway (at sea) being told by his wife she "wants more independence" can drive him nuts and make those days underway between ports long and brutal.

I wish my fellow Devil Dog and his wife well!

Edited November 17, 2011 by Leatherneck

[Operator 1,927]

All in all I spent about 2 years at sea while I was in the Marine Corps and saw this type of situation come up with my troops and friends alike. Communication is never easy when underway. The mind is a terrible thing when a jarhead has a lot of down time on his hands and his spouse is 1000's of miles away. If the deployment is almost over his best option is to wait until he is home to discuss it with her. Find out where her head is at and deal with the facts and not speculation.

Edited November 17, 2011 by Operator

[A & K 42 34]

OP, Take this advice below, (Give to your friend) It is not good to assume what someone meant or jump to conclusions. Just ask for clarification and take it from there.

Talk to her and find out what she means by more independence. To some people it means completely different things and the worse thing to do right now is to jump to conclusions thinking automatically cheating etc. He needs to sit down and talk to her before placing in his mind that shes cheating etc or the conversation will not go well at all.

If he needs advice from other military spouses that are female and male then he can check out milspouse magazine forums. Lots of people post about military marriage issues and get help with their topics on there.

Edited November 18, 2011 by A & K 42

[cassi9879 20]

Everyone, thanks for the advise to pass along! I've not been involved in the military or had long separations so I didn't really have anything to go on.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

My ex-fiancé was in the military and it was so tough for us when he was temporarily deployed. I truly wish your friend and her husband all the best.

[tmma 467]

The only advise is that the couple need to talk about this privatly between them. It's really none of your business or anyone else's.

As ex military- I can tell you that in the gold fish bowl of gossip and whatever during long TDYs adding to it only puts more strain on the marriage. Tell him to talk to his wife.

Everyone, thanks for the advise to pass along! I've not been involved in the military or had long separations so I didn't really have anything to go on.

So why are you involving yourself? It's between the couple.

[Fandango 1,440]

Instead of putting your friend's private matter on VJ, excuse yourself from being the confidant, and tell him that if he wants to know what his wife means, get this....he should ask HER.

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

So why are you involving yourself? It's between the couple.

Nothing says I'm worried about you quite like apathy.

Instead of putting your friend's private matter on VJ, excuse yourself from being the confidant, and tell him that if he wants to know what his wife means, get this....he should ask HER.

Ignore a friend in need, that's the ticket. A friend in need should be ignored...for yet another cocktail.

[Fandango 1,440]

Nothing says I'm worried about you quite like apathy.

Ignore a friend in need, that's the ticket. A friend in need should be ignored...for yet another cocktail.

There's a point to being concerned, and another to be giving advice between a married couple. The only advice at that point should be 'talk to your WIFE'

[IR5FORMUMSIE 850]

There's a point to being concerned, and another to be giving advice between a married couple. The only advice at that point should be 'talk to your WIFE'

Are you offering a testimonial or are you reiterating your plea for willful blindness?

[Darnell 8,479]

to the OP -

I read it as she wants either

--an open marriage or

--a divorce

EITHER of those 2 things give 'more independence'

[VanessaTony 3,567]

My marine friend was 27 when he married his 18 year old wife (now 32 & 22 respectively). Right now he's at sea but will be coming home in about a week. He said he told her while he's gone that she can pretty much do whatever she wants but not go to places or participate in things not appropriate for a married person.

His wife recently told him that she wants more independence.

Now what that really means one can only speculate. In the back of his mind he's thinking the worse (she's cheating and/or wants to leave him) and it's affecting his work.

Has anyone been in or known someone who's gone through this? What kind of advise would you give him on how to approach this conversation when he returns home?

We don't know his relationship. Could be she's not working and relying solely on his income and she wants to get a job. Could be she doesn't drive and she wants to get a licence. Could be she wants to join more social groups.

My husband is former military and I can tell you what he told me - men like to tell other men that their gf's are cheating wh*re's. There are a crazy amount of "Dear John" letters received which just helps the guys who haven't got those letters wonder what's going on at home while they're not around. Or guys get home to pregnant wives or gf's. Or when they give birth the child is obviously not theirs. Even outside of the military Tony told me (after I got here) that his co-workers used to joke I was probably cheating on him so if I was running late to talk to him he'd wonder. He trusted me of course but that was just where his mind would wander to.

My husband WOULD say that she's a b*tch for throwing that out there while he's deployed. I understand wanting to talk to him but there's (apparently) certain unwritten rules for what deployed spouses should be told. My husband's grandfather died while he was deployed. They made him give over his rifle (which he's never supposed to do so he fought that tooth and nail) before he could be told. These people are in high stress situations, it doesn't take much for them to snap.

The only advice I can give is he can't know what she wants or is trying to say until he talks to her.

Edited November 27, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony