ever feel like giving up?

[doodlebug 3]

For those of you who are not yet married, have you ever felt like just calling it quits, not for lack of love at all but for the very fact that this is so very painful on soooo many levels?

Maybe it is because he does not yet have a cellphone and we still depend soley on the internet to communicate by but lately I just feel so "apart" ya know?

Maybe I"m just being moody here too. I mean he is going through some BIG stuff in his family and hasn't been able to be online for more than a few minutes the past few nights and couple that with the fact that I am going through some BIG stuff in my own family and there ya have a very hard time.

I know it's probably nothing compared to what folks already married are going through but geesh sometimes I just wanna stop the bleeding, ya know? And then.......I see his face and hear his voice and I feel calm again.

*sigh*

[JenT 0]

Perfectly normal. If you can figure out how to withstand the distance, your relationship will be that much stronger once you are together. Hang in there, and keep communicating... even if it is for short amounts of time each day. Talk about stuff besides this visa process... stay focused on the future.

Jen

edited to add: when we felt like giving up, we were TOGETHER... trust me... that's when the REAL work starts.

Edited September 25, 2006 by JenT

[UmmSqueakster 54]

We almost called it quits countless times while in a long distance relationship. And, now that we're together (coming up on 1 year ), we still will on occasion come close to calling it quits.

Here's my perspective - relationships can be difficult to begin with. Throw in the long distance aspect and cultural differences and it becomes infinately harder. If we acknolwedge this fact up front, then we can work on strategies to deal with it.

And, as with every difficulty in life, patience

[ya falaha! 0]

I felt the same as you did, doodle. I still feel that way sometimes..not that I want to give up but that I can get kinda crazy and as soon as I hear his voice I get calm....most of the time anyways. You're not alone in your feelings..trust me. When Mohamed and I first met we spoke online for hours everyday. After awhile that dwindled and we only talked on the phone a couple times a week. I just had to get used to it. It was VERY difficult but now that it's past it's hard to remember just how difficult it was. When I went to Egypt the first time I wasn't 100% sure we would marry. We had talked about it all the time but we weren't absolutely certain until I got there. Honestly, one of the reasons we married instead of just getting engaged was because we feared we'd never see each other again. If we married we'd HAVE to see each other again and we'd HAVE to make it work even with the distance. Yes, we still have our arguments and disagreements. Yes, we still have our cultural differences. But we have love and respect for each other and that's what keeps us together. That's what keeps me afloat while I'm playing this waiting game. I can't say it gets easier once you're married because with this distance...it doesn't get easier. Actually once you're married it gets harder to be away from each other. I hope you find the strength you need to carry on with this relationship. I hope the months before you go to Egypt pass quickly inshallah.

[LaL 418]

The only giving up I ever wanted to do was giving up on the USA. 2004 was a bad year for us. Not only put on AR, but Bush was re-elected. I was heartbroken. Canada look mm mm good.

[Rob and Melinda 0]

Wow, powerful feelings, so powerful that they remind me of exactly how I have felt now for 5 months. Every single minute of every single day I ache inside for Melinda. Even though I have been to see her 3 times already in the Philippines, even though I talk to here every day on the phone, I still feel just like you do.

KNow this, YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP, BECAUSE DEEP IN YOUR HEART YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T!

I have learned that all of this pain that we feel is GOOD for us. I hate to even admit it but I am 5 months into this process and I can tell you that there will be changes inside of you that would never have happend if you din't hurt the way you are right now.

So let it hurt, let the time pass, and you will most certainly not give up. Your love will keep you in the process and you will make it, coming out of all this more in love than when you first fell in love. You will be a better person and be a better mate to the one you love. All this is very good even though right now it feels very bad.

You are going to make it, just like all those before us who also felt like we do, but endured and are now together and enjoying their lives togerther.

Hope that helps a little

Rob and Melinda

[chris4336 3]

I think its really good to express these feelings. I have felt the same way, and what bothers me is that unless I show everyone (family, friends, US government) that our relationship is 100% perfect that will give them even more reasons to doubt us. I know I bottle up everything and put on a big smile for the rest of the world, something along the lines of..."No the fact that we have not seen each other in 4 months and are dealing with this insanly stressful visa process is doing wonders for our relationship." I guess all we can hope is that it makes our relationship stronger in the end...

[JenT 0]

I think its really good to express these feelings. I have felt the same way, and what bothers me is that unless I show everyone (family, friends, US government) that our relationship is 100% perfect that will give them even more reasons to doubt us. I know I bottle up everything and put on a big smile for the rest of the world, something along the lines of..."No the fact that we have not seen each other in 4 months and are dealing with this insanly stressful visa process is doing wonders for our relationship." I guess all we can hope is that it makes our relationship stronger in the end...

Very true... but that's what we're here for, right?

*hugs*

[Together4ever 1]

I want to add a few thoughts, if I'm allowed to do so. It's been 17 months since I last saw Mohammed and hopefully we are nearing the end of our K1 wait. The one thing I'm learning is to be realistic and forgiving both of myself and of him.

Realistic: Couples will always have ups and down, married or not. The long distance, the stress of the wait and daily life, and the painful emotions can make mountains out of molehills. This is a wonderful opportunity, albeit difficult, to learn how to problem/crisis solve together. As others have stated, the ups and downs don't stop after marriage. They just keep rolling. Love coupled with the ability to effectively communicate, problem solve and forgive are what makes a marriage successful.

Forgiving: Nobody's perfect. We're going to mess up. Trying to have and hold your relationship via internet or telephone for short periods of time each day/week coupled with what in the case of most of the ME/NA couples can be ocassional language barriers is just prime stomping grounds for misunderstandings. You're going to get angry at each other. You're going to get hurt feelings. You're going to become frustrated. Its all part of being human. But if you can forgive each other for your weaknesses and learn how not to harbor grudges you will make the foundation for your new marriage even that much stronger.

I've experienced all the emotions you stated so many times. I'm suffering extreme misdirected anger these days because of the utter frustration and hopelessness we are both feeling after 6 months now of AP/AR and still no end in sight until people here no longer tolerate me. It's hard. We all handle it differently. But as others have said stay focused on your love and relationship and NOT so much on this visa process. It can really eat a hole in everything. Too much time on VJ doesn't help either. If you find it working against you, take a breather.

Edited September 25, 2006 by just_waiting

[honeyblonde 0]

I wish I could say that it all just magically gets easy once they are here. The waiting doesn't end when they arrive - just the waiting to be together. That does make it much easier, but there will still be nights you go to sleep crying because you weren't able to communicate something in a way that each could understand the other completely. That can take months to accomplish with the language and cultural differences.

Once they are here you will be waiting still. For AOS, for getting a job, for finishing an education so they can get a decent job, for their driver's license here (which sometimes involves them learning how to drive), waiting to be financially able to afford a baby, for the next years dental insurance to kick in so you can get more of those wonderful Moroccan teeth fixed and praying all the while that none of them need fixed urgently this year once you have spent the limit the insurance will pay for, etc.... The list goes on and is different for each couple.

The point I'm trying to make is to stop living life in the "waiting" mode. As long as you focus on the wait it will be depressing. Instead focus on what you do have and on preparing for the future together. Take the time waiting to learn more about this person you love so when you are together you will be prepare for their reaction to stress, to happy events, to family crises, to your bad moods, etc. ... No matter how well you think you already know them, you will find out so much more once they get here and hopefully over the course of your marriage.

Also, begin preparing now for the expense of having them here not working. Do you find you have too much time on your hands right now to think about them? Try getting a second job if you can. That extra money in the bank can really help once your loved one is here. You are likely to be supporting that person for several months once they arrive, and not only will there be additional financial expenses to deal with, you will also want to spend as much time as possible with them to help make up for their homesickness. That won't be the time to work 2 jobs.

My husband has been here now almost a year (November 5th) so I am sharing from my heart here. Our relationship is stronger than ever, but it certainly isn't perfect. All of the stresses I mentioned are very real for us and even though his English is fabulous, he still doesn't understand subtle meanings of words. More than one disagreement we've had has been because he thought I was saying something totally different from what I was saying. Also, they really have no clue what life is like here, so no matter what you do to prepare them there will be a huge adjustment. They may swear to one thing while they are there, but when they see life here their position will change. My husband did not think he would ever want a car here, but now he sees it is necessary to be independent here. Be prepared to be very flexible and not count too much on what they think they will be like here. That's where watching them while they react to life there is so important. Seeing their reactions is going to tell you a lot more than hearing them tell you how they think they will react.

Jean, I just read your post after mine posted. Sounds like we're saying a lot of the same things! I'm happy to see you being able to handle this a little better. I know for a while it was really overwhelming for you. I really feel for your situation and hope it ends soon.

Edited September 25, 2006 by honeyblonde

[Minfay 0]

Nothing is perfect......and that being said. I have a friend (who I met on another website) who was going through the same thing as I was at the same time. Needless to say, she couldn't handle the stress of being apart and not talking as "frequently" as she wanted....they never made it.

You have to be strong in your will and love to get through this process.

When you are waiting for "them" to get here that's all you can focus on....once "they" get here a whole other set of problems begin. It's tough. Just stay strong and vent all you want. There are alot of people here on VJ who totally understand what you are going through.....

P.S. Honeyblonde -- you nailed everything correctly!!!

[jordanianprincess 0]

I would have to agree with everyone here, this is quite a normal feeling. Everyone goes through this at one point or another, when you come out of it, you are a stronger person.

I generally don't share too much of my personal life here but this is one of those times that I will. I just recently got out of a 3 month rough patch with my fiance. Trust me, it was not easy at all. Out of everything we have gone through and the months of being apart, those 3 months took such a toll on both of us. It took us some time to get over that hump, but neither of us stopped trying. I kept saying something to myself the whole time, "big picture, big picture". Even though we share the same exact background, we don't agree on anything. I used to think that it would be easier to be in a relationship with someone who was the same ethnicity/religion as myself but it's the same. Relationships are like babies, nourture them and watch them grow. Stop giving it attention, listen to the crys.

It doesn't matter if they are far or near, the same principles still apply. I would think that it would be harder once they arrive. I know for myself, my fiance is going to do everything in his power to be the bread winner and to be independant as that is a huge part of a Middle Eastern man's roots. I know I need to be patient with him and let him make his own way. When I said relationships are like babies, its very true. We tend to have that mothering effect as women. Once your SO gets into the USA, he is going to go into that phase where he wants to do everythng by himself and we tend to look at them and worry about them falling or hurting themselves.

This is where it gets hard, let them fall. If they don't fall, they won't learn. They want to fall, they don't want you to hold their hand and they don't want to depend on you. My best friend tells me all time that I need to work on my patience with him, especially when he comes. It will be wonderful to be re-united, but at the same time I think thats when all the hard work will start and I am ready for it now.

So just keep telling yourself "big picture, big picture" and watch the pieces fall into place.

[doodlebug 3]

Thanks. I guess I will have my ups and downs as will he.

His father is dying and I actually think he has passed today but I am not too sure. To hear him sob and to see his face and not be able to hold him is killing me deep inside. Top that off with members of the family not supporting our being together and members of my family disowning me just for going on the trip and it's just a nightmare................until we hear each other and see each other each night.

I'm already trying to figure out how I can get more time off to go again after 6 months, so in either May or July. I"m crazy I think. I know the money could be best spent elsewhere but if I have a solid goal to hope for I'm thinking things might not be that bad.

I know what you mean about talking of marriage but not being 100% sure. I mean in my heart and my gut I am sure and so is he, but we'll know for sure if it will indeed come to fruition when I step out of the airport and see each other for real finally. Of course there will be about 50 other people there with him so it won't be such an intimate moment but at least it will be a "moment" to remember.

Ok I'm off on a tangent again. lol. Thanks for everyone's advice and thanks so much Rhama for that link. Why is it that the last thing I think of in times of despair is prayer when it's the very one thing that will help?????

[Minfay 0]

Patience is sooooooo important. Unfortunately, that's something that I have none of It has been trying at times....VJ has been a HUGE help to me.

[Ta Ta 1]

Wow...what good advice from everyone. I am reading this misty eyed. Yes, I think if we

are finally together we tend to think this is it and we are in bliss now.

Thanks for you who went before us to remind us, who are following behind, that it really

all starts when they arrive.

Too many expectations can cause a real let down.

And I agree it is very good to share these feelings....who else do we have but each other

to do that with....nobody undestands, only those who are going through this.....here we are in front of family and friends like the strongest person

with a smile on our face because we don't want to hear more doubt ....and falling apart inside.

Thank you trailblazers and pathfinders........we are right behind you and listening.