Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

[eekee 182]

Oh and about Russian men: it's generational, in my experience.

[baron555 934]

I'm with Alla on this one. Let's preserve the subjunctive mood in English.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subjunctive_mood#English

So many native speakers don't use it correctly, even in publications, etc. and it drives me crazy.

Stop, you guys also sound like my wife....Past Subjective Possessive......Huh?

I haven't had to know those terms since when I used to ride my horse to school?!!!

[slim 1,514]

When people ask if I have problems communicating with my wife because she doesn't speak English I say, "No. I have problems communicating with her because she's a woman."

I've "interacted" with a foreign woman or two in my day and, without fail, it's always been better because of the language barrier. If you're forced to take the time to communicate without flawless speech and seamless words, you're also forced to calm down and make the necessary adjustments to get your point across and understand each other. Slamming doors and breaking stuff works well too. But, that doesn't help with things like "we need groceries so you need to pick up a few extra hours at work."

The language spoken has little to do with the situation. It is never the issue.

On the sex note... if she's not "asking" (actively or passively as we discussed in that other thread) for it anymore, something's wrong.

The main thing to rememeber with any woman is you can't ignore the truth they put out there. Don't listen to them. Watch what they do. And don't ignore the warning signs. Think with the right head and you'll be fine.

[Ban Hammer 13,110]

I wish Alla did not TEACH English sometimes..."You cannot use "was" in this case, you must use "were" because the gerund is after the consonant and i is before e"

Yeah? ####### EVER!

i feel your pain - i get that all the time from nessa

to which i usually reply ´...you was saying?´

[visaveteran1 33]

So, more to making an example to others as opposed to interogating you VV, HOW did you and your wife communicate back in the beginning and before she moved here?

IMHO not knowing at least a common language or having some means to communicate in complex subjects is just a big red flag.

My wife, who had taken English classes prior to meeting me, had to sort of start all over, getting used to my pronunciation was her biggest hurdle; she had learned English from either British teachers or Russians speaking English.

When we met in Kiev, I had brought along my laptop which had Promt translation software. I had put Cyrillic letter overlays on the keyboard and we were able to go to that for the few times we both had something long and drawn out to say, rather than using the dictionary. I can say that my wife has put a lot of time into learning proper English and grammar after she got here; I have also spent much time with her helping her with her "homework" each after I got home from work and after the little was put to bed.

My wife was the 4th and final Russia woman I knew intimately. Those relationships covered a period of over 5 years, just for the record. Two of those 4 women didn't speak much English...so when I met my future wife, I was used to "Me Tarzan. You Jane" speech. My experience is most Russian women know some English from shared cultural medium like music, movies, TV, clothes ads, etc. And when they get an English-speaking potential husband, they usually do a crash course locally to at least have some vocabulary going on.

When I met my future wife, I brought an English/Russian dictionary and one of those cool little electronic translators. So, between her limited English, my limited Russian and the translators, we handled the time together with marginally acceptable communication. And, when your visiting a new place (the tourist side of meeting) you can pass a lot of time without needing too talk a lot. And then there's bedroom time.

Baron, you're right about limited common language and the "red flag." But...some people are quick studies and some will always be handicapped by language limits. The problem is to identify which kind of woman you're dealing with. With them being isolated in RUB countries until you bring them to the USA, it makes judging there potential even harder.

[visaveteran1 33]

Oh and about Russian men: it's generational, in my experience.

I would agree with that view but with limits. The younger men don't have the heavy boot of communism pressed against their neck which can transform them in many negative ways. They still probably drink too much vodka...which can lead to "hooliganism." Russian boys will be boys.

Edited November 28, 2011 by visaveteran1

[visaveteran1 33]

When people ask if I have problems communicating with my wife because she doesn't speak English I say, "No. I have problems communicating with her because she's a woman."

I've "interacted" with a foreign woman or two in my day and, without fail, it's always been better because of the language barrier. If you're forced to take the time to communicate without flawless speech and seamless words, you're also forced to calm down and make the necessary adjustments to get your point across and understand each other. Slamming doors and breaking stuff works well too. But, that doesn't help with things like "we need groceries so you need to pick up a few extra hours at work."

The language spoken has little to do with the situation. It is never the issue.

On the sex note... if she's not "asking" (actively or passively as we discussed in that other thread) for it anymore, something's wrong.

The main thing to rememeber with any woman is you can't ignore the truth they put out there. Don't listen to them. Watch what they do. And don't ignore the warning signs. Think with the right head and you'll be fine.

Great advice Slim. But...it's the rare man who ignores his smaller head's wishes, even in the face of great risk and loss. I offer up Bill Clinton as Exhibit A. Mel Gibson...Exhibit B. Without much effort I could run this all the way to Exhibit Z. How many great men have crashed and burned from following their "smaller head?"

As Warren Farrell so aptly put it..."Females are the world's strongest narcotic." Despite many lessons on this exact milieu, I'm still a "junkie." The detox is aging and lower testosterone. I still waiting for the let down so I can get "clean."

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

i feel your pain - i get that all the time from nessa

to which i usually reply ´...you was saying?´

I say "I be fine" She says "you can't say that"

"Yes I can. I be fine, I be fine, I be fine"

"You sound ignorant"

"Where are you from? What is that accent, are you from Canada?"

"I will BITE you!"

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

The detox is aging and lower testosterone. I still waiting for the let down so I can get "clean."

Don't worry, there are pills for all that!

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Don't worry, there are pills for all that!

I don't know if pills are the answer for the fact it just means they are helping the enslavement of men. If I didn't have any hormones I would be so far ahead of the game by now it wouldn't be funny. Sex and chicks keep getting in the way of prosperity.

[Brad and Vika 129]

Beyond the typical issues that lead to divorce, irregardless of country of origin, I would say poor language skills is a big problem with a RUB wife...at least in my case. My wife spoke little English in the beginning and while she studied here for over two years, she never seemed to really immerse herself in study or homework. There has been progress but it has been slow and we continue with a degree of what I call "Tarzan" English. "Me Tarzan. You Jane." I had to learn to speak this way, rarely speaking in rich full sentences. Sometimes I find myself speaking that way to others, especially someone who looks like they might be an immigrant. Later, I feel silly for doing so.

I'm certain if I understood Russian fluently, my wife could drop her conversations with me to a deeper, richer and more profound place...and if the reverse were true, I could achieve that same level of real mature talks and we could fully explore each other's feelings and views on life. While on a daily basis, we are merely strapped with language limitations that dilute our routine talks...when we have a dispute, argument, or other problem, neither person can give clear, concise, sophisticated and finesse responses...so we end up frustrated that we can't have a conversational breakthrough to resolve the problem...or even, at the least, be fully heard and understood. We end up entangled in an adolescent, elementary school-level spat. This leads to more anger, frustration and immature yelling and "acting out." This becomes a dysfunctional, ever worsening process.

A second RUB related issue is sex...but not the universal kinds of sex problems. I think in a fairly large segment of the RUB female population, the women are abused, treated like sex slaves to their husbands, boyfriends, shack-up mates and generally the woman's pleasure is secondary or of no importance at all. The Russian men, in their hyper male-dominated society, just don't care if their women are satisfied or not...it's all about them. The end result is RUB women, some of them anyway, just become performers and fakers. The husband says "NOW!" and the women drop everything and service the man in that moment. That scenario can't do much to promote pleasure and satisfaction in Russian women.

I speak from experience with a total of four RUB women I had relationships with. Each woman, in different ways, showed they had sex issues that I felt were flowing out of their cultural experiences rather than individual idiosyncrasy or personality...or because of me. Frankly, in contrast to the common mythology here on the RUB forum, American women, for all their "issues," were better lovers overall. Yes, they didn't have that piazz dress code nor devoted hours to hair and make-up and clothing appearance...but when it came time to "dance," the American women seemed more open to more things...and were able to have real pleasure and orgasms.

I'm speaking about a small sample of both Russian and American women, but that's my truth. Your mileage may vary.

The end result in my case was my wife didn't go for a lot of kissing and foreplay and romance "preparation." Rather, she quickly moved into her "porn star" act and just worked to take care of me and that was that. Often she'd fake orgasm but I know it was difficult for her to actually achieve real pleasure. I asked her about it and she usually went into denial or anger...but twice, in a moment of honesty, she'd use the word "seldom" or "difficult" to describe her orgasm situation. I know she was physically abused by one of her husbands and several of her man friends in Russia hurt her by flaunting their mistresses or other sex partners. She has emotional and physical issues in my judgment...perhaps even requiring mental health assistance.

I can't gauge how much is on me in this sex issue. I am not bragging when I say I've had some great lovers down through the years when I was single...and I think I get how to please a woman...with traditional or unconventional means...depending on what the woman wants. Despite my age, I continue with a normal libido and abilities (knock on "wood"). But I'm not letting myself totally off the hook. But here again, if I can't communicate fully and deeply with my wife, how can we address something as complicated and awkward to discuss as the world's greatest paradox: sex.

To further exacerbate the sex problem, my wife, like most RUB women, dresses like a high-class call girl when going out into the world. I used to enjoy her lack of inhabitation and her brassy style of attire, but when she's at home, it's devolved to wearing my old t-shirts and "American style" boring clothes. That is a change. When she first came to the US, she'd clean the house in tight black toreador pants (used to call them "peddle pushers") and other interesting items. Now that's transformed into more bland and unexciting clothing. She, like other's I've heard about on this forum, has become "Americanized" and puts much less energy and effort in looking good "just for me." So, when I see her dressing up to go out, it hurts to realize that effort is not for or about pleasing me: it's ego and the desire for attention...and maybe cultural. In any case, it just fuels my own anger at our situation.

I could say more but this is a very long post. Sorry for the "text dump" but Brad asked and I tried to give him a full answer. There are more issues to this marriage milieu, but I hit the hugh points.

Again, I appreciate the candor. It is nice to see a guy actually facing and owning his situation. So often the folks that have relationships blow up just plain vanish. Refreshing to see the attitude that there is a problem, here is what I think happened, and here is how it will be resolved.

As I met Vika in person, and never really tried much in the online or tour world, I really can't speak to the process. It does sound like VV has a firm grasp on the communication issues and some cultural ones as well. So often I speak to people who get the information this way.

So, more to making an example to others as opposed to interogating you VV, HOW did you and your wife communicate back in the beginning and before she moved here?

IMHO not knowing at least a common language or having some means to communicate in complex subjects is just a big red flag.

My wife, who had taken English classes prior to meeting me, had to sort of start all over, getting used to my pronunciation was her biggest hurdle; she had learned English from either British teachers or Russians speaking English.

When we met in Kiev, I had brought along my laptop which had Promt translation software. I had put Cyrillic letter overlays on the keyboard and we were able to go to that for the few times we both had something long and drawn out to say, rather than using the dictionary. I can say that my wife has put a lot of time into learning proper English and grammar after she got here; I have also spent much time with her helping her with her "homework" each after I got home from work and after the little was put to bed.

I hear about this software and portable translator gismo stuff quite a bit on VJ, and from some of the other people I talk to on a visa journey. I think it works fine initially, but as all of you have said in one way or another, at some point one of you will have to become fluent in the others language. Failure to do so results in some of the very problems VV outlined so well here.

When people ask if I have problems communicating with my wife because she doesn't speak English I say, "No. I have problems communicating with her because she's a woman."

I've "interacted" with a foreign woman or two in my day and, without fail, it's always been better because of the language barrier. If you're forced to take the time to communicate without flawless speech and seamless words, you're also forced to calm down and make the necessary adjustments to get your point across and understand each other. Slamming doors and breaking stuff works well too. But, that doesn't help with things like "we need groceries so you need to pick up a few extra hours at work."

The language spoken has little to do with the situation. It is never the issue.

On the sex note... if she's not "asking" (actively or passively as we discussed in that other thread) for it anymore, something's wrong.

The main thing to rememeber with any woman is you can't ignore the truth they put out there. Don't listen to them. Watch what they do. And don't ignore the warning signs. Think with the right head and you'll be fine.

Now, how many times have we read posts (always men in RUB) that say "she is my queen, the sun and moon", blah, blah, blah. What part of their anatomy do you think is engaged when they are writing that drivel? Talk about red flags. Perhaps a good measure is to read the post just written, and if it sounds at all like a harlequin novela, it may be time to take an inventory.

As Warren Farrell so aptly put it..."Females are the world's strongest narcotic." Despite many lessons on this exact milieu, I'm still a "junkie." The detox is aging and lower testosterone. I still waiting for the let down so I can get "clean."

I read somewhere that after a week or two of withdrawl, addiction is mostly mental. If that is true, there is no hope for men in that department

[slim 1,514]

I'm still a "junkie." The detox is aging and lower testosterone. I still waiting for the let down so I can get "clean."

With modern technology, you can get your "fix" without needing physical contact.

If I didn't have any hormones I would be so far ahead of the game by now it wouldn't be funny.

The key is to cleanse the pipes before any engagement. Don't let the baby batter be on the brain.

Once you take away their only advantage, it's rather easy to keep the high ground.

I read somewhere that after a week or two of withdrawl, addiction is mostly mental. If that is true, there is no hope for men in that department

There is, actually.

If you think about it, at the very core of our "problem" or "addiction" we're addicted to nothing other than the conquest of an attractive woman. We're biologically hard-wired to "win" against other guys and "conquer" women. Once we're married, we only conquer the one, but it's still a battle to overcome her defenses and to win her over to the point where she allows herself to be taken.

When it's broken down to the core... that's all they really have over us.

They can play that game all day long provided that's what we're looking for and if we're still "loaded." For the first few hours after we let loose, we're thinking on the same level as a chick. We're thinking about a shopping list. We're thinking about things we have to do tomorrow. We're thinking of stuff we still need to get done today.

We're doing all that because our need has been satiated. Our "fix" has been fed. We're not consumed by the overwhelming determination to mate. We're only using our logical brain instead of our primitive one.

And that's the secret. Get that goop out of there. Clear it out once or twice a day and I can guarantee you the upper hand will be maintained. You'll still admire the nice things she wears, but you won't have the same primitive reaction you would've before. And that sets you up for negotiations instead of manuevers.

In the short term it's important to attack, and attack often - especially at key times throughout the month. However, the rest of the cycle, it's important to pick your battles and only engage when necessary. You should always be pressing, but should always have the ability to stop at a place that's advantageous for you, so you can battle again in the morning.

[LvivLovers 39]

The difference between a fiance, a mistress, and a wife: The fiance says, "Are you done yet?". The mistress says, "You're not done yet!". The wife says, "Honey, I think the ceiling needs painting."

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

The difference between a fiance, a mistress, and a wife: The fiance says, "Are you done yet?". The mistress says, "You're not done yet!". The wife says, "Honey, I think the ceiling needs painting."

I gotta pass that one along on FB.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

With modern technology, you can get your "fix" without needing physical contact.

The key is to cleanse the pipes before any engagement. Don't let the baby batter be on the brain.

Once you take away their only advantage, it's rather easy to keep the high ground.

There is, actually.

If you think about it, at the very core of our "problem" or "addiction" we're addicted to nothing other than the conquest of an attractive woman. We're biologically hard-wired to "win" against other guys and "conquer" women. Once we're married, we only conquer the one, but it's still a battle to overcome her defenses and to win her over to the point where she allows herself to be taken.

When it's broken down to the core... that's all they really have over us.

They can play that game all day long provided that's what we're looking for and if we're still "loaded." For the first few hours after we let loose, we're thinking on the same level as a chick. We're thinking about a shopping list. We're thinking about things we have to do tomorrow. We're thinking of stuff we still need to get done today.

We're doing all that because our need has been satiated. Our "fix" has been fed. We're not consumed by the overwhelming determination to mate. We're only using our logical brain instead of our primitive one.

And that's the secret. Get that goop out of there. Clear it out once or twice a day and I can guarantee you the upper hand will be maintained. You'll still admire the nice things she wears, but you won't have the same primitive reaction you would've before. And that sets you up for negotiations instead of manuevers.

In the short term it's important to attack, and attack often - especially at key times throughout the month. However, the rest of the cycle, it's important to pick your battles and only engage when necessary. You should always be pressing, but should always have the ability to stop at a place that's advantageous for you, so you can battle again in the morning.

Perhaps this is why Alla does not like me to leave the house unless I am "emptied".