Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

[eekee 182]

Life is short; do whatever it takes to make you happy. The financial blows will probably be less painful than living day in and day out with someone who can't be a true partner to you.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[visaveteran1 33]

I have to say I'm truly struck by the kindness, wisdom, concern, personal sharing and "positive energy" from this RUB forum. Almost like therapy...maybe better. Really helps to hear others state they've "been there, done that" and how they coped or handled the situation.

Thank you all!

I will keep the forum updated (hopefully, without boring everyone) as things unfold. I think one positive thing to emerge at this point is the sex problem is out of the closet...or we have finally addressed the "pink elephant" in the bedroom...whichever metaphor you prefer.

Anyway, thanks again.

[slim 1,530]

Almost like therapy...maybe better.

My wife was pretty upset when she found out I was putting "personal things" on VJ. As public as this is it's still pretty private and she's come to understand that getting things off your chest, even if it's only on a forum, is something that can help. Putting it out there and bouncing ideas off others, getting support, getting advice, just hearing that you're not alone in a situation is a pretty big deal.

She now calls the RUB forum "your confessional" and could care less what I post on here.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thanks for the supportive comments Gary.

The thing that has taken away my will to make this work is finally facing her lack of a sincere interest in sex. Good "real" sex can help me overlook a lot of other problems...but when that goes dysfunctional, I'm not up for sustaining this relationship. As time goes by, I will come to understand my wisest move...be it room mate, separation, or divorce. But I don't see how I can see her as "my wife" without the sex and related intimacy.

I'll tell you a incident that happened recently. My wife NEVER dresses sexy for just me any longer...that went away awhile ago. A few days ago, her son needed to go to Home Depot to buy some tools. This was in the evening. My wife was coming along to translate. Well, you should have seen how she dressed. Tight red skirt; low cut blouse, high heel boots, and a leopard skin little jacket. I was incredulous. I told her, sorry, were going to a hardware store filled with a bunch of hispanic men, and YOU aren't going to make their day. She went and changed into hardware store appropriate attire.

I guess I can understand that. Alla NEVER dresses overtly sexual for outside the house, however she IS a beautiful woman and she dresses VERY nice, which is attractive though not in any way "slutty" She will do the ####### thing at home (with great delight) but outside it is just very nice, attractive clothes. Which means she has every red vest in Lowe's following her around! And I am known as "Alla's husband" She does wear shoes or boots with heels almost everywhere including the shooting range. But I do not see that as she is trying to troll for men, that is just the way she is. If she were frumping it up at home and only dressing like that when I would not be around, that would be a different story.

I will say that the level of imtimacy in our relationship makes it difficult to get mad at her for little stuff (that and having been shot and lived and having had a heart attack and lived, I just do not worry about stupid sh*t anymore, hopefully cancer would give you that outlook if nothing else)

Sounds like you have a plan. Yes, please keep us up to date

As I saidm if that went away it woul dbe immediately apparent that something was seriously wrong.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Some Latinas insist on dressing up merely for errands like this, si man... and, at the same time, they insist that their American husbands not look like (in the wife's opinion) slobs -- and the standards are, to us, shockingly high. One buddy of mine's story: His Ecuatoriana wife-to-be arrived after a 20-hour set of airplane connections. Upon entering his house, she made a beeline for his closet and began tossing things from it that she considered to be worn out, unstylish, inferior, or otherwise unacceptable. Had Mrs. T-B.-to-be done that, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the next plane out, seeyu man. (She chiefly "nudged" me to change my closet, and I gradually purged things to shut her up.) She admitted that, on our first meeting, my "ugly Gringo shirt" nearly made her turn tail and leave. To this day, whenever we see some guy wearing a particularly awful specimen, I say "U.G.S.," and it's our private joke.

The next time Mrs. T-B. beetches about any of my "ugly Gringo ties," I'll take Gary up on his kind earlier offer by sending the ties to Vermont so that he can shoot them.

In regard to "roommate marriage," been there during my life, sigh man. Consummation exactly four times during the second year of the two-year marriage, and not much more often during the first year. I had to balance that against my evaluation of positive & negative factors within the marriage, and decide accordingly.

This hierarchy of "relationship happiness" has stuck with me. From best to worst:

1. Happily married

B. Happily single

iii. Unhappily single

d. Unhappily married

One must decide, si & sigh, man.

In Ukrainian culture a woman is often judged in her ability as a woman and wife and mother by how her children and husband "look" If they are skinny, she is a bad cook. If they are dirty, she does not clean them, if they are poorly dressed she does not make sure they have good clothes. On the other hand, they want to look BETTER than the man because they want to fend off other women. "A man is as faithful as his options" is Alla's saying. "If I am the best woman you can have sex with, why would you go for someone else?" Works for me.

[Laveau 67]

I may hv posted in this forum once. I usually just lurk because I love the RUB forum. I get a lot of insight and laughs out of reading here.

VV, I have little to add besides I agree that the change in sex is a big red flag. Go with your gut. However,It may not be it was a scam from the beginning. Sometimes, things do change to cause such things.

But I'm mostly posting to say that Slim gives excellent advice. Slim, I took your advice earlier this year to heart. Thank you so much for that fb message you wrote to me during my effed up time. We are actually back together. I took everything you said and pondered it.

VV, I sincerely hope this is just a dip in this roller coaster we call marriage/partnership. I've also followed your journey on here.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Some Latinas insist on dressing up merely for errands like this, si man... and, at the same time, they insist that their American husbands not look like (in the wife's opinion) slobs -- and the standards are, to us, shockingly high. One buddy of mine's story: His Ecuatoriana wife-to-be arrived after a 20-hour set of airplane connections. Upon entering his house, she made a beeline for his closet and began tossing things from it that she considered to be worn out, unstylish, inferior, or otherwise unacceptable. Had Mrs. T-B.-to-be done that, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the next plane out, seeyu man. (She chiefly "nudged" me to change my closet, and I gradually purged things to shut her up.) She admitted that, on our first meeting, my "ugly Gringo shirt" nearly made her turn tail and leave. To this day, whenever we see some guy wearing a particularly awful specimen, I say "U.G.S.," and it's our private joke.

The next time Mrs. T-B. beetches about any of my "ugly Gringo ties," I'll take Gary up on his kind earlier offer by sending the ties to Vermont so that he can shoot them.

In regard to "roommate marriage," been there during my life, sigh man. Consummation exactly four times during the second year of the two-year marriage, and not much more often during the first year. I had to balance that against my evaluation of positive & negative factors within the marriage, and decide accordingly.

This hierarchy of "relationship happiness" has stuck with me. From best to worst:

1. Happily married

B. Happily single

iii. Unhappily single

d. Unhappily married

One must decide, si & sigh, man.

And I am glad you also found something better Tbone

[visaveteran1 33]

OK, this question is for you RUB legal scholars. If my wife goes to Russia (where we were married) and acquires a divorce (which I'll have to sign I guess), am I home free or do I have to deal with my state of residence in the US?

[Inna & Brian 11]

Im new to this forum and I don't know enough to give you immigration or divorce advice. So let me add my opinion to the relationship discussion. It will be an echo of sorts.

From what I read you are a standup and honorable man. You have done well by your wife and her child. But your first priority must be to yourself. It is good you consulted an attorney. You need to know what your realistic exposure is. You will be less stressed just knowing what ballpark you are playing in. There is no point in lying in bed and worry about outcomes that are not realistic. You have had cancer and I believe that stress and depression could cause it to return.

Read, memorize and live T-Bones hierarchy. I too stayed in a bad relationship for too long. I will never make that mistake again. A marriage is a partnership and not an arrangement. I think the roommate or roommate with benefits ideas are awful. There is one question to answer. Do you enjoy being with this person? Does the relationship make you happy? If the answer is "no" or " I don't know" then get the hell out. In a good relationship each person strives to make the other happy.

My RUB is not here yet. But if she does not fully participate (equal partner, love, intimacy, sex and frienship) in the relationship then her beautiful and sexy #### will be on the next plane back to Russia. And I will be on the second plane to find a good RUB wife.

This may sound harsh and too realistic, but an international relationship has an element of a business transaction. Both parties take huge risks (the women take a greater risk, I think). Since the risks are greater the obligations are greater. If your woman is not holding up her end of the bargain you should not feel responsible or guilty. She can either stay here and try to survive on $10 an hour or she can go back. Her choice. She knew the risks when she agreed to come here and marry you.

I wish you well.

[TBoneTX 45,849]

And I am glad you also found something better Tbone

But she's not a rubia (blonde), no man!

[TBoneTX 45,849]

The next time Mrs. T-B. beetches about any of my "ugly Gringo ties," I'll take Gary up on his kind earlier offer by sending the ties to Vermont so that he can shoot them.

This reminds me of a great one, albeit in all-caps, si man:

A MAN STOOD AT THE DEPARTMENT-STORE COUNTER, SELECTING NECKTIES. HE PASSED OVER MANY, CHOSE A FEW, & OCCASIONALLY ENCOUNTERED A TERRIBLE SPECIMEN, WHICH HE WOULD FLING ASIDE CONTEMPTUOUSLY. THESE, THE CLERK WOULD PICK UP & PLACE IN A SEPARATE TRAY.

"WHAT'RE YOU GOING TO DO, BURN 'EM?" ASKED THE MAN SCORNFULLY.

"NO, SIR," EXPLAINED THE CLERK. "WE SAVE THESE FOR THE WOMEN WHO COME IN TO BUY TIES FOR MEN."

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

But she's not a rubia (blonde), no man!

Neither is mine. You want one?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

OK, this question is for you RUB legal scholars. If my wife goes to Russia (where we were married) and acquires a divorce (which I'll have to sign I guess), am I home free or do I have to deal with my state of residence in the US?

I am not a lawyer. If I were I would take the gun out of the holster on my hip, put it in my mouth and blow my brains out, thereby providing the world the best service possible by an attorney. End of PSA and disclaimer

However, the US recognizes foreign marriages AND divorces so in my opinion you are home free.

If you move to another state from which you were married and get a divorce you do not have to go back to the state you were married in and get another divorce. The hool here is in qualifying to be divorced in the new state which usually means living there for 6 months.

If you comply with the residency requirements for a Russian divorce (which means if you have a $100 bill you can exhange) then I would say you are home free. Get a copy of it and have it translated. It would work for USCIS purposes anyway.

Edited November 18, 2011 by Gary and Alla

[eekee 182]

Neither is mine. You want one?

Hey.

Yeah, do the divorce in Russia. Easier and cheaper. They basically give out divorces like candy over here.

Edited November 18, 2011 by eekee

[visaveteran1 33]

Im new to this forum and I don't know enough to give you immigration or divorce advice. So let me add my opinion to the relationship discussion. It will be an echo of sorts.

From what I read you are a standup and honorable man. You have done well by your wife and her child. But your first priority must be to yourself. It is good you consulted an attorney. You need to know what your realistic exposure is. You will be less stressed just knowing what ballpark you are playing in. There is no point in lying in bed and worry about outcomes that are not realistic. You have had cancer and I believe that stress and depression could cause it to return.

Read, memorize and live T-Bones hierarchy. I too stayed in a bad relationship for too long. I will never make that mistake again. A marriage is a partnership and not an arrangement. I think the roommate or roommate with benefits ideas are awful. There is one question to answer. Do you enjoy being with this person? Does the relationship make you happy? If the answer is "no" or " I don't know" then get the hell out. In a good relationship each person strives to make the other happy.

My RUB is not here yet. But if she does not fully participate (equal partner, love, intimacy, sex and frienship) in the relationship then her beautiful and sexy #### will be on the next plane back to Russia. And I will be on the second plane to find a good RUB wife.

This may sound harsh and too realistic, but an international relationship has an element of a business transaction. Both parties take huge risks (the women take a greater risk, I think). Since the risks are greater the obligations are greater. If your woman is not holding up her end of the bargain you should not feel responsible or guilty. She can either stay here and try to survive on $10 an hour or she can go back. Her choice. She knew the risks when she agreed to come here and marry you.

I wish you well.

First, welcome to the forum. From the eloquence, wisdom and clarity of your post, you'll be a great asset here.

Second, everything you said resonated with me and rings loudly with the same truths I'm working with through this failed experiment. Thank you for taking the time to post here.