Wife's son is moving out already. I have concerns.

[slim 1,514]

be the man and don't raise an eyebrow to her threats....as the man of the family, YOU are ABOVE that and need to be. They want that, remember? Good luck to you all.

Solid as a rock. That is our job. Nothing more, nothing less. Ignore all her "problems" and maintain that solid base. (Don't ignore ALL her problems, just saying you, as a man, know the difference between real issues and "problems" she's having.)

[LvivLovers 39]

Sorry to hear about the problems, VV. Hopefully, she's just stressed and reacting rather than having ulterior motives. I can tell you that my relationship with my wife is unbelievably good...better than I ever imagined...but that said, she's had her moments too and has had a few solid rants where she wanted to go back to Ukraine, through around the D word, etc. She's always admitted later to acting a bit crazy...just letting her fears (or hormones) temporarily get the best of her...so it happens.

Ultimately, you'll have to be the judge of your situation. My advice would be to keep your cool, try to diffuse any situations that arise, make the peace, and see how she acts...that should be pretty telling. Keep your guard up, but don't let paranoia make you turn something good into something that falls apart.

Gary, grats on the scholarship offer...sounds like one smart kid!!!

[visaveteran1 33]

I want to again thank everyone for their feedback, comments, and general kindness and concern.

Things are not going well with my wife. I have had to face the darkness that has become my life with her.

I hate to sound Freudian, but it is always, at some level, about sex. My wife is frigid...maybe that's an old term but she doesn't need sex. But...she used to put on a great show and I would describe her performance as Oscar material. So, my life with her has been something like living with a porn star...when the director says: "Action!" she goes into the roll. When the director says: "Cut!" she rolls over and goes to sleep. I would ask her, "Hey, what about you?" and she'd make up some excuse. Other times she'd fake orgasms but as an experienced man...I knew it was probably fake...although, again, not a bad act.

OK, so I've lived with this issue and resolved to try and move ahead but slowly over time our sex life has gotten mundane, routine, boring and scarce. I think the cancer interruption (though we still had occasional sex) only encouraged her to slack off her "roll playing."

So...I didn't get one of those sex starved, 3 times a day, Russian wives that seems the stereotypical FSU woman. I would say, hey, maybe it's me that's the problem, but my wife doesn't use anything (toys, etc.) to gain pleasure. I've monitored that like a an investigator and I can say comfortably, she doesn't like and/or need sex. I could also say, hey, maybe there's someone else but given my wife's routine, doesn't drive, etc. I'd say not very likely.

My wife is attractive, especially her body, so for awhile I guess that and her role playing was enough...but now it doesn't work. My wife's been acting weird for awhile but after a dispute (her term) she'd use her body to regain my acceptance, tolerance and generosity. But now that doesn't work. I'm not mesmerized anymore.

And I'm tired. The last year of my life was perhaps the worst ever. I'm still not certain about the cancer and have other issues. Yet my wife has only added to my stress and fatigue and struggle. Rather than support me, she has become a burden. The "disputes" are coming more often and I think she's surprised her "sex acting" and body don't solve her problems anymore.

My plan is to do nothing and provide her a basic amount of support...lodging, food, medical and "necessary" clothing...not Sergio Rossi shoes. That's it. I guess it will be a room mate deal. If she wants out, she'll have to take that step. I don't see any benefit to making a lawyer rich. I should remind everyone, I was married in Russia...so it is possible that she could go to Russia and get divorced by a simple piece of paper and a little money.

I've have offered her a deal where I give her some money upfront, plus give her a few hundred a month for one year and a one-way plane ticket to Russia. In return, I get a divorce Russian style. This option gives her the possibility to return to the US but never darken my door again. She actually didn't reject the idea outright. I can only hope she'll go for it. But with her son here, it lessens the chance...but who knows?

Whatever happens, I'm going to take a financial and emotional hit. I'm trying to minimize that hit...but as I have said, I'm scared for my future.

[slim 1,514]

My plan is to do nothing and provide her a basic amount of support...lodging, food, medical and "necessary" clothing...not Sergio Rossi shoes. That's it. I guess it will be a room mate deal. If she wants out, she'll have to take that step. I don't see any benefit to making a lawyer rich. I should remind everyone, I was married in Russia...so it is possible that she could go to Russia and get divorced by a simple piece of paper and a little money.

This is what I've done for the last five years. My wife didn't win a lottery or a scholarship to come here and I've never treated her in a manner that would make her think she did. I provide the basics and she can be my roommate. Anything more than that she needs to work toward on her own or together with me.

She always has the choice to opt out, but really, if someone's covering all your basic necessities (and is quite handsome, charming, and hung like a horse) why would she ever opt out?

Granted, it's not Ozzie and Harriet. But, then again, I really don't want it to be either. The thing about a marriage in today's day and age is it's not going to be "traditional" in any sense. Especially not to a RUB chick. But, it is possible to make it what you want it or, at the very least, be happy with what you have.

I've have offered her a deal where I give her some money upfront, plus give her a few hundred a month for one year and a one-way plane ticket to Russia. In return, I get a divorce Russian style. This option gives her the possibility to return to the US but never darken my door again. She actually didn't reject the idea outright. I can only hope she'll go for it. But with her son here, it lessens the chance...but who knows?

Whatever happens, I'm going to take a financial and emotional hit. I'm trying to minimize that hit...but as I have said, I'm scared for my future.

I wouldn't offer her squat. If she wants to leave you, she can figure out how. She's a big girl.

[Lena and Igor 5]

I want to again thank everyone for their feedback, comments, and general kindness and concern.

Things are not going well with my wife. I have had to face the darkness that has become my life with her.

I hate to sound Freudian, but it is always, at some level, about sex. My wife is frigid...maybe that's an old term but she doesn't need sex. But...she used to put on a great show and I would describe her performance as Oscar material. So, my life with her has been something like living with a porn star...when the director says: "Action!" she goes into the roll. When the director says: "Cut!" she rolls over and goes to sleep. I would ask her, "Hey, what about you?" and she'd make up some excuse. Other times she'd fake orgasms but as an experienced man...I knew it was probably fake...although, again, not a bad act.

OK, so I've lived with this issue and resolved to try and move ahead but slowly over time our sex life has gotten mundane, routine, boring and scarce. I think the cancer interruption (though we still had occasional sex) only encouraged her to slack off her "roll playing."

So...I didn't get one of those sex starved, 3 times a day, Russian wives that seems the stereotypical FSU woman. I would say, hey, maybe it's me that's the problem, but my wife doesn't use anything (toys, etc.) to gain pleasure. I've monitored that like a an investigator and I can say comfortably, she doesn't like and/or need sex. I could also say, hey, maybe there's someone else but given my wife's routine, doesn't drive, etc. I'd say not very likely.

My wife is attractive, especially her body, so for awhile I guess that and her role playing was enough...but now it doesn't work. My wife's been acting weird for awhile but after a dispute (her term) she'd use her body to regain my acceptance, tolerance and generosity. But now that doesn't work. I'm not mesmerized anymore.

And I'm tired. The last year of my life was perhaps the worst ever. I'm still not certain about the cancer and have other issues. Yet my wife has only added to my stress and fatigue and struggle. Rather than support me, she has become a burden. The "disputes" are coming more often and I think she's surprised her "sex acting" and body don't solve her problems anymore.

My plan is to do nothing and provide her a basic amount of support...lodging, food, medical and "necessary" clothing...not Sergio Rossi shoes. That's it. I guess it will be a room mate deal. If she wants out, she'll have to take that step. I don't see any benefit to making a lawyer rich. I should remind everyone, I was married in Russia...so it is possible that she could go to Russia and get divorced by a simple piece of paper and a little money.

I've have offered her a deal where I give her some money upfront, plus give her a few hundred a month for one year and a one-way plane ticket to Russia. In return, I get a divorce Russian style. This option gives her the possibility to return to the US but never darken my door again. She actually didn't reject the idea outright. I can only hope she'll go for it. But with her son here, it lessens the chance...but who knows?

Whatever happens, I'm going to take a financial and emotional hit. I'm trying to minimize that hit...but as I have said, I'm scared for my future.

VV - solid solution! The tip-off is that she fails to support you in your time of need. Not normal! She should take your overly generous offer now. I sense that it may not be on the table indefinitely. I wish you the best.

[sea-monkey 13]

Sounds like she was already 10 steps ahead of you in the grand scheme of things.

Getting the kid over and having him situated on his own was a big win. Getting you to crack and provide support is the jackpot.

[Bad_Daddy 2,209]

Sounds like she was already 10 steps ahead of you in the grand scheme of things.

Getting the kid over and having him situated on his own was a big win. Getting you to crack and provide support is the jackpot.

You hit the nail on the head with that post.

[LvivLovers 39]

Sorry, VV. Hope everything works out as well as it can.

[visaveteran1 33]

Sounds like she was already 10 steps ahead of you in the grand scheme of things.

Getting the kid over and having him situated on his own was a big win. Getting you to crack and provide support is the jackpot.

Bringing him over was something I did not want to do...yet I'm a human being and it was her son. If I was played a fool, I will stand with that and still feel I did what was the humane thing. Judge me however you choose.

Nothing is set in stone. No money is changing hands. I have spoken to a lawyer and seem in a good position. But I've lived too long to think this isn't going to cost me something down the road. Some of these US Green Carder Russian women get their heads together and plot and scheme to go for the balz. I'm willing to minimize my grief and my financial loss potential...but only with a very favorable and quick outcome. Otherwise, I hunker down for a long, drawn out struggle.

Nobody's "cracked."

[sea-monkey 13]

No one is judging you. We're all in the same boat when it comes to vulnerability and getting burned.

Edited November 16, 2011 by sea-monkey

[visaveteran1 33]

No one is judging you. We're all in the same boat when it comes to vulnerability and getting burned.

Roger that!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

VV I am not copying all that again but I did read it. I can say that Alla is a very sexual woman and it is very important to her to a degree I never imagined. and maybe "sex" is not the correct word for everything but "intimacy" would be better, extreme intimacy and very frequent and physical sex. If that got turned off it would be immediately apparent, as in within the hour, and there would clearly be something wrong, seriously wrong.

Now the situation involving your health is another matter. Cancer is a terrible thing and I do not try to compare my case to yours. As you know I had a heart attack shortly after Alla and I were married (I blame it on too much sex) and she was completely supportive of me, never left the hospital, slept with me naked (thats the intimacy thing again) and had all four boys there, including Sergey from Moscow, when I woke up from bypass surgery. She was a big help to me during recovery, even though I was in a lot of pain and grouchy and said things I should not have to someone that was doing all she was. I will always regret that, but I was not in my normal character. Yet that type of surgery, once done, the problem is "fixed" and you get over the pain in a couple months and everything is fine. Cancer is not the same of course and the stress is probably worse on both of you. We discovered new ways to handle the sex and intimacy during my recovery...Alla did not go without and now I am better than ever!

But when one is down that is when they need the other the most and THAT is one of those things that makes you a married couple and not just dating and not just roommates.

I understand your plan and I agree at least in not making lawyers rich. And maybe there would be no advantage to divorcing anyway. For either of you. Maybe you need to find a new equilibrium.

Generally I do not agree with the "roommate" mode of marriage, but that is just me. I am definitely the "we are in this together" kind of guy. But I understand your reasoning and I hope it works out for you.

And a note to Slim, who I believe is a bit tongue in cheek sometimes, but I owe it to Alla to say that she did not "win" anything when she arrived here. She worked for everything she has earned and even the scholarship was based on an outstanding academic record that she works very hard for. And she worked and earned money to pay the other half throughout her degree program and continues to work now. I would say that she has contributed at least equal to what she has received, though I do not keep track of that. She has made a pretty good job for herself doing this interpretation...good for her! And she is investing a lot of her time and money to add to her education to improve her ability to interpret...and increase the demand for her services. This is not idle "education for fun" It is part of how we work together.

I wish you the best VV, you deserve it. It sounds like you have a plan at any rate and I hope the best for you.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Bringing him over was something I did not want to do...yet I'm a human being and it was her son. If I was played a fool, I will stand with that and still feel I did what was the humane thing. Judge me however you choose.

Nothing is set in stone. No money is changing hands. I have spoken to a lawyer and seem in a good position. But I've lived too long to think this isn't going to cost me something down the road. Some of these US Green Carder Russian women get their heads together and plot and scheme to go for the balz. I'm willing to minimize my grief and my financial loss potential...but only with a very favorable and quick outcome. Otherwise, I hunker down for a long, drawn out struggle.

Nobody's "cracked."

You did what you could for your wife. No shame in that! If she took you for a fool the bad is all hers, not on you! dignity counts.

[visaveteran1 33]

You did what you could for your wife. No shame in that! If she took you for a fool the bad is all hers, not on you! dignity counts.

Thanks for the supportive comments Gary.

The thing that has taken away my will to make this work is finally facing her lack of a sincere interest in sex. Good "real" sex can help me overlook a lot of other problems...but when that goes dysfunctional, I'm not up for sustaining this relationship. As time goes by, I will come to understand my wisest move...be it room mate, separation, or divorce. But I don't see how I can see her as "my wife" without the sex and related intimacy.

I'll tell you a incident that happened recently. My wife NEVER dresses sexy for just me any longer...that went away awhile ago. A few days ago, her son needed to go to Home Depot to buy some tools. This was in the evening. My wife was coming along to translate. Well, you should have seen how she dressed. Tight red skirt; low cut blouse, high heel boots, and a leopard skin little jacket. I was incredulous. I told her, sorry, were going to a hardware store filled with a bunch of hispanic men, and YOU aren't going to make their day. She went and changed into hardware store appropriate attire.

[TBoneTX 44,679]

were going to a hardware store filled with a bunch of hispanic men, and YOU aren't going to make their day. She went and changed into hardware store appropriate attire.

Some Latinas insist on dressing up merely for errands like this, si man... and, at the same time, they insist that their American husbands not look like (in the wife's opinion) slobs -- and the standards are, to us, shockingly high. One buddy of mine's story: His Ecuatoriana wife-to-be arrived after a 20-hour set of airplane connections. Upon entering his house, she made a beeline for his closet and began tossing things from it that she considered to be worn out, unstylish, inferior, or otherwise unacceptable. Had Mrs. T-B.-to-be done that, her shapely hindquarters would have been on the next plane out, seeyu man. (She chiefly "nudged" me to change my closet, and I gradually purged things to shut her up.) She admitted that, on our first meeting, my "ugly Gringo shirt" nearly made her turn tail and leave. To this day, whenever we see some guy wearing a particularly awful specimen, I say "U.G.S.," and it's our private joke.

The next time Mrs. T-B. beetches about any of my "ugly Gringo ties," I'll take Gary up on his kind earlier offer by sending the ties to Vermont so that he can shoot them.

In regard to "roommate marriage," been there during my life, sigh man. Consummation exactly four times during the second year of the two-year marriage, and not much more often during the first year. I had to balance that against my evaluation of positive & negative factors within the marriage, and decide accordingly.

This hierarchy of "relationship happiness" has stuck with me. From best to worst:

1. Happily married

B. Happily single

iii. Unhappily single

d. Unhappily married

One must decide, si & sigh, man.