age different

[sarah and hicham 3]

I am always wondering why for the most part it seems like the women here who marry men from the ME/NA are much older than the men. Did anyone else notice this?

This is just a question, I guess some people prefer younger men which is just a question of preference. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.

[jordanianprincess 0]

I am always wondering why for the most part it seems like the women here who marry men from the ME/NA are much older than the men. Did anyone else notice this?

This is just a question, I guess some people prefer younger men which is just a question of preference. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.

Fat chance....

[Zizi & Zuki 0]

Hey, so glad to meet a couple with a larger age gap than us.. By a whole whopping 6 months! Yes, do address that issue up front and give lots of evidence about your relationship. I did and they aren't picking on us about that at all now! The bad news is, they are finding OTHER things to pick on. But fear not, just keep moving forward. Eventually we will all get through this, and hopefully we won't be walking with a cane by the time our younger SO's arrive.

My fiance has an uncle that married a woman around 20 years older than him............Hey, guess what! She is Moroccan! They LIVE IN MOROCCO. Maybe they should accompany some of us to our interviews. (Just kidding.) But, they have lived very happily together for about 20 years now. Aziz recently asked his uncle if it ever bothered him that they didn't have children. He said, not really...they had spent a lot of money with a doctor to try to see if they could fix that, but he only did it for her...he was perfectly content as they were.

Yeah, my being a western woman was part of my mystic, part of what attracted Aziz to me. But he never really was looking to live in America. I have to say, living all those years in N. Africa, I always thought Moroccan men had a lot more mystic than American men....and are a whole lot more passionate.

Part of what makes Aziz special to me is his culture. He's younger, but very manly, and very much in charge of our relationship. I'm older and can give him some opportunities he would not have in Morocco. So what....we love each other passionately, and that is what is really important. I've seen "age appropriate" couples who totally bombed out in their relationship from lots of other issues. It is impossible to generalize.

Hugs to all,

Your older and wiser big sister!

[caybee 21]

I am always wondering why for the most part it seems like the women here who marry men from the ME/NA are much older than the men. Did anyone else notice this?

This is just a question, I guess some people prefer younger men which is just a question of preference. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.

I am 16 years older than my fiance. This is the first time I have ever been involved with anyone younger than myself. If anything, his age made me cautious, and it was the same for him, although he has uncles with older wives in strong marriages. If we had met first in person, we may not have hooked up. But the friendship was established first with almost no visuals; he wouldn't even let me turn on my cam until he had one of his own, so we talked for weeks without eye contact. Now we are best friends. The communication and trust between us are very strong. If it were not, we wouldn't make it. Of course, I find him very attractive on the outside also, but that's not where it started. He reminds me of my dad in some ways, actually. Have fun with that one

There is no question that a lack of self-confidence, especially in the older partner, can cause big problems. I have seen that first-hand. A clingy, insecure older partner seems so much older, and the younger partner will eventually feel trapped; at least that is my experience. I'm not going try to dress or act his age; I do whatever is natural for me. We share so many common interests and values that I truly don't feel an age difference, and he tells me it is the same for him. I believe him.

It may be a matter of preference in some cases. In our case, we didn't look for it or want it, but this is just where we happened to find our other half. We know it will raise eyebrows, but it's right for us.

By the way, greetings, ME/NA folks. I'm an old guest, new member. We just filed the I-129F through TSC. My fiance is in Morocco. I think the timeline is linked but I'll make sure. Best wishes to all.

[vicki/bala 0]

I am always wondering why for the most part it seems like the women here who marry men from the ME/NA are much older than the men. Did anyone else notice this?

This is just a question, I guess some people prefer younger men which is just a question of preference. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.

I am 16 years older than my fiance. This is the first time I have ever been involved with anyone younger than myself. If anything, his age made me cautious, and it was the same for him, although he has uncles with older wives in strong marriages. If we had met first in person, we may not have hooked up. But the friendship was established first with almost no visuals; he wouldn't even let me turn on my cam until he had one of his own, so we talked for weeks without eye contact. Now we are best friends. The communication and trust between us are very strong. If it were not, we wouldn't make it. Of course, I find him very attractive on the outside also, but that's not where it started. He reminds me of my dad in some ways, actually. Have fun with that one

There is no question that a lack of self-confidence, especially in the older partner, can cause big problems. I have seen that first-hand. A clingy, insecure older partner seems so much older, and the younger partner will eventually feel trapped; at least that is my experience. I'm not going try to dress or act his age; I do whatever is natural for me. We share so many common interests and values that I truly don't feel an age difference, and he tells me it is the same for him. I believe him.

It may be a matter of preference in some cases. In our case, we didn't look for it or want it, but this is just where we happened to find our other half. We know it will raise eyebrows, but it's right for us.

By the way, greetings, ME/NA folks. I'm an old guest, new member. We just filed the I-129F through TSC. My fiance is in Morocco. I think the timeline is linked but I'll make sure. Best wishes to all.

Wow!!! This is our story exactly!!.. I dont know why everyone assumes that we "older" women are looking for younger men and theres some deep physchological reason behind it. I wasnt looking for ANYONE much less a younger man when I met Bala. Our relationship grew out of a deep friendship. Im not trying to recapture my youth, I enjoy my age. Im not looking for a son, I raised three of them of whom im very proud. So the only explanation I have is we love each other very much.

good luck to all

Vicki/bala

[Together4ever 1]

If a couple recognizes what simply is about each other, accepts it without ulterior motive, doesn't try to change themself or the other, and still has a steady, strong, respectful and loving relationship... who cares. Let the world speculate all they want. Life is short and honest love is a gift.

[morocco4ever 63]

I am always wondering why for the most part it seems like the women here who marry men from the ME/NA are much older than the men. Did anyone else notice this?

This is just a question, I guess some people prefer younger men which is just a question of preference. I hope no one takes this the wrong way.

Very valid question, and no, I am not offended. I can't answer for anyone elses motives, but since my divorce I have had the younger men that look for me. I used to blow them off because I wanted someone my own age, but I thought, why not! I actually dated a man here in the US that is younger than my husband for a short time before I met my husband. Not only that, I have heard that many men actually have a fantasy about the older more experienced woman.

All in all, before we married both my husband and myself had to address the issues about the age difference. We came to the conclusion that love knows no age.

[doodlebug 3]

I hope all goes well with your journey!

I'm 7 years older than Usama and I was very uncomfortable with it for the first few months. I actually used to blow him off when he'd talk about wanting to be more than friends, but eventually his maturity showed through and I fell in love with him.

[ya falaha! 0]

I'm 4 years older than my husband and I thought that was pushing it at first. I had always dated or married (I was married once before) older guys (by a few years). I kinda had a problem with being older in the beginning.

[morocco4ever 63]

I hope all goes well with your journey!

I'm 7 years older than Usama and I was very uncomfortable with it for the first few months. I actually used to blow him off when he'd talk about wanting to be more than friends, but eventually his maturity showed through and I fell in love with him.

Doodlebug you hit the nail on the head. My husband may be young in years, but his maturity level is way above his age. In fact, his maturity level is far above my ex husband who is 3 years my senior. When we are together I don't feel there is any age difference between us. He has stated the same, as well as several family members and close friends.

What boggles my mind is people that don't even know us that express what their issues are about it. Since when is it their concern? If it doesn't affect you personally, why stress it? Live and let live people!

Just to make things clear, I have no problem with anyone curious about it, just the ones that are judgemental.

Edited September 27, 2006 by Morocco4ever

[honeyblonde 0]

My last husband was 10 years younger, but he was by no means the first or last younger man I had dated. In my early 30s I looked 16 still so why not enjoy it? My sons used to offer to call me their sister instead of mom. Even up until I met Abdel most of the men I dated were much much younger. It isn't so much by choice, just by what is available. the single men my age are usually single for a reason (gay or alcoholic or drug addict or player, etc....)or they have so much bitterness from previous relationships that they are gunshy and barely even date, if they even have time between working two jobs to pay child support and getting the kids on the weekend so even more often if they have split custody.

Young guys just don't have a lot of baggage and yes they do see older women as more experienced and mysterious.

Abdel is 5 years younger than me but we both don't really see that as an age difference at our ages (44 and 39). He is the first man my own age I have been able to have a real relationship with in close to 20 years and I'm loving it.

As for younger man/older woman relationships - here's my two cents based on experience:

Women, you better keep yourselves looking great. The younger guys have plenty of temptations and are also very aware of what other people are saying and thinking even if they pretend not to be.

If your man doesn't like to go out in public with you, that is a huge red flag. If he starts pulling the "walking a little away from you" and not holding your hand or putting his arm around you and tries to say that it is improper for Muslims to show affection in public, question it.

Even American guys will "date" older women and not want to be seen in public with them. I think I got a full face blast of that when I was talking to one of my sons Marine buddies when he was in Iraq. His own parents weren't computer literate so he would come online and ask me to talk to him every night, just to keep him company. When he got back to the US and was stationed out in California, he continued to talk to me. He told me about an older girl he was dating because she, to put it bluntly, would meet his sexual needs. Then he went into the whining about not being able to find a date for the Marine Corps ball. I asked him why he wouldn't take her and he made it very clear to me that he wasn't being seen in public with her. He was happy to buy her flowers, spend the weekend in a fancy hotel with her, take her to dinner in some quiet little place off the beaten path, but he didn't want his buddies to know about her or they would laugh at him.

Also, after my ex and I split up he told me that many of the men marrying American women are happy to show them off over in their countries. But they aren't showing off their wife, they are showing off their green card. When I told him I was marrying Abdel he tried to talk me out of it. He said that men over there will do anything to get here to work, and their families will play along. Once Abdel was here I called him to tell him that we were married and happy and he didn't want to believe me. The one thing that did convince him that Abdel might actually love me was the small age difference for us.

I can also say that I had numerous younger men from Middle Eastern and North African countries ask me to marry them for a green card on the internet. Some were sublte and actually tried to chat for a while first, while others just flat out asked in the first conversation. I'm guessing the more blunt ones learned that didn't work and started being more subtle too.

If any of us kid ourselves for one moment and try to say our husband didn't want a green card, most of us should know inside that we are lying. What really matters is not that they wanted it, but how they feel about us. I do know there are some exceptions who didn't really even want to come here, but they are few. Like someone else said, so what if we can help the man we love? What really matters here is "does he love us too?"

[Joel Halfwassen 0]

I really need a answer to this question if any one knows.What kind of problems will we have because of our 23 years old age different,He is 25 years of age and I am 48 years young and I need to know has anyone out there has any advice,Please no stupid remarks about the age different.It's love,not age!!!!

Please someone help me.We will be married soon in Morocco.

I'm very late on this post AND I am ignoring your request to avoid age difference posts. But as a 'mature' woman marrying a 'younger' man? I would say, "Good for you!"

Now...problems? I have dated many older women in my life. The only real issue was children. I wanted them, they were too old to have them. Ironicly sex was always just AWESOME. Older women always seemed to know, and were secure with, what they wanted/needed.

Joel

[deeshla 0]

Ironically, we are talking about getting my tubes untied and having a baby when I graduate. I guess I just had to find a man I knew would make a good father before I was willing to do that.

Oh totally off topic but I'm having the tubal ligation reversal done toooooo!!! Don't ya just wish you could turn back time and not have done it in the first place??? Will cost approx $6,000 to untie the suckers and no insurance reimbursement.

Only $6,000? I was told at least $7,000 last time I asked, and when I had a similar surgery this summer, the hospital bill alone was over $10,000. I'm guessing overall it will cost us about $15,000 for everything - Dr, anethesiologist, hospital, etc.

Honestly, I wouldn't turn back the clock. I had it done when I was 23 after my second son was born. When I think how many kids I would have probably had by now if I hadn't had it done I don't regret it. I was a freaking rabbit. My husband just had to look at me and I was pregnant (not quite, but I only missed my birth control once and got pregnant). Considering the cost to raise a kid, even $15,000 isn't so bad for 21 years of birth control.

I had this done last February. It did cost just a little under $6000.00, but I had it done at a surgical center rather than a hospital. The doctor only agreed to do it this way if I agreed to pay for a home visit from an RN. They said the surgery was a success, but I have yet to find out. It would help to actually have my husband here to find out for sure...lol

My questions would be -- did you meet on the internet? Do you have a common language? These are the other big red flags in Casa. I have met so many couples in Morocco where all of these red flags are up but they still got the visa -- but usually done through DCF -- this shows that the relationship is a little more valid -- seeing the woman stay in the home country with the man. Unfortunately, there is a new epidemic in Morocco of young 20-somethings men cruising the internet dating scene for older women -- the consulate knows all about it, as does the rest of the populace.

It isn't very normal within Moroccan culture for men to marry women that much older than them -- maybe 1-3 years or so, but not more than 5 or so. This is considered "hashouma" for better or for worse (i.e. whether we agree with it or not). Then again there are a few free-thinkers who just don't care and want a partnership. But most people agree that if the woman were not an American citizen (or a Canadian or a UK citizen, etc) the "attraction" would not be there.

I am not really sure what hashouma means, but to say that the attraction would not be there if we aren't American citizens is generalizing things a bit. Maybe that is not what you meant to say, I would hope not. If you are Muslim then I am sure you are quite aware that the Prophet Mohammed,s (PBUH) first and most prized wife was indeed several years older than him. Did he do it for some form of US citizenship? Maybe he felt sorry for her? I honestly doubt that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so don't be so harsh. I know that isn't what you meant.

BTW, I am older than my husband, and I do know for a fact that the attraction is there. I get "hit on" by men of all ages here in the US, I was even called once a "hot momma" by a man my daugthers age. No, I am not bragging, just want you to understand that older doesn't always mean unattractive by any sense of the word.

Ramadan Karim to all.

7shouma -- darija for "shame" or "shameful." And remember I am not talking about specific cases (of which I am sure you are exempt) but generalities of culture. In general, in Moroccan culture, men do not marry women 15, or 20 years their senior. Ask anybody there who does not have a vested interest (a sociologist, a farmer, any woman you meet) and you will see that that is true.

I feel the reasons are economic. That is not to say that love is not part of the equation. And when I said "attraction" I did not mean physical attraction per se but those qualities that attract these men to want to marry a Western woman. A 23 year old Moroccan man rarely has the economic resources available to marry and have a family. This is why you see a lot of "older" (30s and 40s) men marrying young Moroccan women -- they have had to get a job (VERY difficult in Morocco - who else has seen the unemployment protests every week at parliment in Rabat?) and build some economic base to establish a household. This is a lot of pressure on Moroccan males, often impossible. You will see that many times men bring wives to live in their homes with their family instead of attempting to create their own home. I am talking about REAL Morocco -- the vast Berber countryside and mid-sized cities, not the Westernized suburbs or Casa and Rabat.

Not having resources is not a big deal for an older Western woman -- she has resources. She can provide, at least initially. This is very very attractive to a young man who feels that a.) he will never have a job or resources to marry and have a family and/or b.) really wants to live in the states/Canada/UK and try his luck there.

Why do you think it is only young men in the internet cafes chatting up women? Go into a Moroccan cybercafe and listen to men giving each other pointers, practicing phrases and primping for the webcams. Men in my English classes asked me to clarify romantic phrases for them so they could chat more effectively with their English-speaking web-loves. I know people here on VJ will hate for me to share these "generalizations" but if you think that this phenomenon of older women-very young men couples are just about a sudden loosening of long-held cultural values and romantic love gone beserk across the cyber-waves, well you are totally kidding yourselves.

By the way the example about the Prophet is a great one to show how His example with women helps guide Muslims, BUT it cannot replace and entire long-held cultural system that is in place because of all sorts of factors. And remember, while Morocco is Muslim, it is also Berber and for the most part agrarian and follows those cultural patterns even today.

I do not mean any disrespect or "harshness" to woman here married to young Moroccan men, but that is surely how it will be taken. I think it is just better to be honest about all the cultural forces behind what is happening to avoid problems in the long run. Just my 2 dirhams.

Amanda

[Bosco 1]

I am late getting in on this.

While the Prophet did not marry Khadija for a greencard, he also didn't marry her because he was "in love" with her.

I am not really sure what hashouma means, but to say that the attraction would not be there if we aren't American citizens is generalizing things a bit. Maybe that is not what you meant to say, I would hope not. If you are Muslim then I am sure you are quite aware that the Prophet Mohammed,s (PBUH) first and most prized wife was indeed several years older than him. Did he do it for some form of US citizenship? Maybe he felt sorry for her? I honestly doubt that. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so don't be so harsh. I know that isn't what you meant.

BTW, I am older than my husband, and I do know for a fact that the attraction is there. I get "hit on" by men of all ages here in the US, I was even called once a "hot momma" by a man my daugthers age. No, I am not bragging, just want you to understand that older doesn't always mean unattractive by any sense of the word.

Ramadan Karim to all.

[sarah and hicham 3]

Wow these are very good and interesting answers! To be honest I was worried all night that someone would take it the wrong way but I am so glad to see that people took time to answer! Thank you guys!

Sarah