Precipitous Marriage?

[iwuvcheshert 6]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

my hubby and i got married like 11 years from the first time we met.. talk about taking our sweet time...

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

I know a couple that dated for a year (IRL, not LD), got married, she left him after a month, divorce took 3 months, were dating again a couple of months later (still together 6 months later).

I know a couple that dated for a year, got engaged because family religion meant they couldn't live together unless at least engaged, engaged for 6 years, married for 4 and now expecting a baby. Sounds great? They once told me (in front of each other) had they not been engaged they would have broken up LONG ago. They just felt marriage was what came next, what was "expected" of them.

My parents. 40 year age gap. Married for 30 years this month. Dad is unfortunately not well (and so in a nursing home) but I would say a happy marriage and 4 kids out of it.

Unfortunately OP, it seems like you and I are much more "analytical" than others. I would NOT get married so quickly. I too believe my husband and I got married more quickly that I consider "normal" and we dated for a year before being engaged and married 11 months later. We got engaged to start the K1 process because it wasn't possible to live together otherwise (well it was but I wasn't working under the table and I wanted/needed to work). I don't believe in "I knew" so early. You thought they were a good person, you "knew" you would be happy together (for a while). "We spent 2 great months together"... yes... on HOLIDAY! Everyone's great on holiday because you know there's an end... Tony and I were together in person only for 2 months and my previous statement was my fear... what if things were different once I was REALLY here? for good? It's easy to say it will be the same but it's not. You're missing home, you're missing family and everything is different. I "knew" Tony and I had something great, but it wouldn't have resulted in marriage so quick (if we lived in the US).

In regards to Bob's qn/statement, I agree. I think it's ridiculous to go "hunting" online for a particular kind of culture/nationality (and kinda creepy for those that pick certain kinds because the females are known to be subservient... I would find that offensive). It's like having a crush on the cutest boy in camp. you pick the best of a NARROW selection. I don't believe it's true love. True affection maybe but to meet on a website like that means you know you're being courted because you bring life in the USA, not because they met and liked you. You're just the best of what's available. It might turn to love sure (love of money, love of life in the US, love of what you provide), but I doubt it's the same as genuine "meet cute's".

Edited November 9, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[Adam & May 4]

Dating 3-5-7-10 years - if there is no marriage, then why are guys wasting each other times? Then what - date the next person for the same period of time?

My opinion (which of course maybe wrong) - the person should know after 6 month, maxiumum 1 year of dating if this is the one for marriage or not. It"s unfortunate that INS requires a marriage with K-1 within 90 days of entry; I personally think K-1 should allow 6 month of stay - even tourist have more time on hand and processing time takes longer than 6 month!!

You're entitled of your opinion. You'll never get wrong about it

[ONA 133]

The below were NOT online relationships, but in-real-life ones:

My friend's friend dated for 10 years, got married, and divorced after 2 months.

Another of my friend dated her now-husband for 6 months in 2003, got married, and are still happily married.

The below were online relationships:

Another friend dated her now-husband for around 6 months in 2003-2004, got married, and are still happily married with 2 daughters.

Yet another friend dated her now-husband for about 1 year in 2003, got married, and are still happily married with one son.

Every relationship is different. Can't judge. Can't understand? No one is asking you to.

Agreed I've seen such examples too. You never know...

I'm not that kind of person... I met my husband in the States, dated him for 3 months and went back to Russia... Although, I know some people get married in the same situation. Just not me. Me and my husband ended up dating for 2 years before we got engaged. Then we were engaged for over a year before we got married. That's our choice, it's the best way for us.

Still I don't blame people, who get married quickly, I don't judge them. They know better what's the best for them.

[iwuvcheshert 6]

couples do have different priorities prior to getting married and i guess not unless they have already gotten what they prioritized, so they will move to the next big step.. plus, so the decision i should say there are diff factors - only the couple would know...completely not for us to judge

Edited November 9, 2011 by iwuvcheshert

[Adam & May 4]

I would like to extend your question and make Part B of it:

How and why is it that somebody who lives in a country of over 310,000,000 people is looking for a spouse in a foreign country? Please don't use the "I like Thai women" or "I like Russian women" argument, as we have plenty of those in the U.S. already.

Second part of my Part B: why would somebody marry someone they have only met once or twice, total? I, too, have dated my wife for over 2 years before we got engaged. It took us another year 'til I proposed, and then another year 'til we got married. This time was really necessary to learn what we both would be like in normal situations, stress situations, and when we have a really bad day. It's all part of the package one needs to accept when committing to stay together 'til death takes 'em apart.

I can't conceive doing this mail order bride thing. But I'm willing to learn, and I'm listening.

You sure you dated 2 years before getting engaged? Your timeline says met in 2003, moved in 2004. I don't think living together is dating

My point is: why don't we just respect each others decisions or wants. Why don't we talk about how we can help others through this process -MAY-

[issha2lynden 77]

50% of all marriages end in Divorce.. the other 50% end in Death..

guess you can't win no matter what you do..

REALITY BITES! ugh!

[Alex & Rachel 78]

i knew one month after i started talking to Jenni that she was the most perfect girl ever and that i would want to spend the rest of my life with her because she told me so

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I know, I laffed my ####### off too!

[issha2lynden 77]

Here's what I gotta say, couple who endure long courtship are those who bangs each other freely which is a NO NO for me and hubby. We are strong Christians and since we met on line we just really hit perfectly.We both agree divorce is not an option,we both eat organic food,enjoy talking about the Bible and testifying how great God is in our lives. I can't believe that my dream husband is found to be a USC that lives in the other half of the globe. We just know through prayers and revelations we are set apart to be together, we prayed long years to find the right person and now that we are already middle-aged there's just no point of wasting time waiting and we want to do things right. We dated 3 months on-line, he came to Philly to see me but eventually married me when he got to see how desirable woman I am We can't have sex prior marriage so yes we did it right and now we are a year Happy couple and we do to each other what ever we want .

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

I didn't want to marry my husband so quickly.

I wanted him to come over here and live in sin with me while I drew my alimony.

[SOTY 0]

There are some good points here, but what I believe the OP is focusing on is 'international' marriages between a U.S. citizen and someone from another country/culture where both are not within the same social/religious constructs.

In my opinion such arranged marriages have the support and peer pressure of a close tight-knit cultural community. For such situations, I believe the emphasis is not on whether the couples are compatible or not, but more on if the arrangement is beneficial for both families. I'm sure both families will be concerned for their children's happiness (hopefully), and strive to find a partner that will have compatibility.

However, it is very difficult for someone like me, and perhaps the OP, to leave it in the hands of others, or basically to fate, regarding who one's future partner will be.

That doesn't mean that being together 'dating' one's partner for 1 year or 10 years will guarantee a marriage that will last a lifetime. I'm sure there are people who meet and within one month, get married and stay together for life, and there are others who don't.

Personally I believe it's very risky to make a major life decision (such as getting married) without really being comfortable and confident in one's relationship with one's partner.

I believe there is too much of a chance for failure if such a major decision is taken upon in such a short amount of time.

Sure, it's great when sparks fly, and the magic of romance has filled the air. Yet those holiday butterflies eventually settle down and one starts to see their partner for who they really are.

I think the 'Holiday Phase' (as I like to call it) usually lasts for about 3-6 months. Once that is over and a more day to day life/relationship ensues, then THAT is where people 'really' start to get to know things about their partner. Only then begins the true test.

I've dated my future wife for over 4 years and we lived together for one of those years. We're still very happy and even more confident about our relationship. Enough so to make the decision to become married and spend the rest of our lives together. (<---- that IMO is a BIG thing and I sometimes wonder if people who decided to get married to someone after only knowing them for a month or two really grasp such reality).

In a way, the time it takes to go through all the processing to get married might be a good thing for those who (seemingly) on the spur of the moment decided to get married.

I wonder how many applications were canceled or no action was taken because things fell apart in the meantime while waiting for the processing to complete? hmmm Would be an interesting statistic.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Here's what I gotta say, couple who endure long courtship are those who bangs each other freely which is a NO NO for me and hubby. We are strong Christians and since we met on line we just really hit perfectly.We both agree divorce is not an option,we both eat organic food,enjoy talking about the Bible and testifying how great God is in our lives. I can't believe that my dream husband is found to be a USC that lives in the other half of the globe. We just know through prayers and revelations we are set apart to be together, we prayed long years to find the right person and now that we are already middle-aged there's just no point of wasting time waiting and we want to do things right. We dated 3 months on-line, he came to Philly to see me but eventually married me when he got to see how desirable woman I am We can't have sex prior marriage so yes we did it right and now we are a year Happy couple and we do to each other what ever we want .

Yet you use the word "bangs".

[mike42979 57]

I hate reading about couples who meet on filipanheart.com or whatever it is and then you see 40 or 50 yo men with little girls for fiancees. Its like buying a sex slave imo cause most filipina with these old men are trying to escape a bad place or hoping for a better life on the other side which isnt always the case. As for me i met my fiancee on a business trip to the cayman islands and i flew there 7 times over a 1 in a half yer period, I got to know her as a person not just chatting online but actually in person. I wasnt looking for a filipina or anyone for that matter it just so happened thats what she was when i met her, anyways look theres better ways to meet people than on a website thousands of miles away. If you want to find a filipina i say try the cayman islands first, its like little Philippines and youll find filipinas in about every store in Georgetown and atleast its a hell of a lot less expensive to fly visit and get to know them first.

[SOTY 0]

Yet you use the word "bangs".

ROFL