Precipitous Marriage?

[Kiwi123 8]

Try to help me understand this too. My coworker is over 40 years old. She and her bf dated for 10 years. He had tenure job, really loved her and took good care of her. He helped her partly with credit card bills and mortgage payments. Every year, he booked 1-2 expensive vacations to go with her. His mom loveeeed her and really hoped for a marriage. On her 40th birthday, he wanted to give a surprise by buying her a nice new car. She wasn't suprised nor happy. She told him she wanted them to get married. He was shocked. Why? they had a lot of funs together and were enjoying the life.

She said "c'm on, I'm already 40, I need to settle down. I want a family with you. And I want children."

A few days after that, he bought her 2 puppies, hoped that she would be busy enough to forget about marriage idea. They dated for long time and my coworker made him really happy. He didn't want to lose her at all but he didn't want a marriage either?!

She still desired a baby. She planned to adopt a child. You know how hard it is to adopt a child here! (especially when she's single) She asked for his support and asked him to cosign with her. But he coldly said no. Soon after that they broke up...

My point is: If some can date for a loooong time without thinking about getting married, some can get married without dating too. They can do whatever they want. Who else can be responsible for their lives except themselves. Who are we to judge others?

[NY_BX 397]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

To each their own. Let me inform you that my parents got engaged the same day they met and married 3 months later. They've been happily married for 38 years. While they are both USC and while I admit that it is quite fast, it is precipitous to judge other couples that doesn't take their time, like you. One year of dating seems enough for a mature couple to get married, while one year may be too fast for 2 high school graduates starting to live, I suppose. Again, to each their own.

[NY_BX 397]

Try to help me understand this too. My coworker is over 40 years old. She and her bf dated for 10 years. He had tenure job, really loved her and took good care of her. He helped her partly with credit card bills and mortgage payments. Every year, he booked 1-2 expensive vacations to go with her. His mom loveeeed her and really hoped for a marriage. On her 40th birthday, he wanted to give a surprise by buying her a nice new car. She wasn't suprised nor happy. She told him she wanted them to get married. He was shocked. Why? they had a lot of funs together and were enjoying the life.

She said "c'm on, I'm already 40, I need to settle down. I want a family with you. And I want children."

A few days after that, he bought her 2 puppies, hoped that she would be busy enough to forget about marriage idea. They dated for long time and my coworker made him really happy. He didn't want to lose her at all but he didn't want a marriage either?!

She still desired a baby. She planned to adopt a child. You know how hard it is to adopt a child here! (especially when she's single) She asked for his support and asked him to cosign with her. But he coldly said no. Soon after that they broke up...

My point is: If some can date for a loooong time without thinking about getting married, some can get married without dating too. They can do whatever they want. Who else can be responsible for their lives except themselves. Who are we to judge others?

As sad as it is, I love this story because it brings perspective. It is all about insecurity. I long time ago I was bridesmaid in this big wedding. They've been dating for 9 years. 9 freaking years!

6 months into the marriage, she's pregnant.... from another man. Yup, you heard. She divorced and has been happily married with the father of her child ever since. They "dated" for 6 months prior to her first marriage. So, yes, she was seeing her lover for 1 year and got married... after hurting her original boyfriend of 9 years.

Sometimes old habits are more powerful than love.

[skiptex 225]

50% of all marriages end in Divorce.. the other 50% end in Death..

guess you can't win no matter what you do..

[HannahP 119]

See, I think this just turns into a slippery slope.

Why is one year of dating considered prudent? Why not make it several years?

What about living together before proposing? I lived with my husband for three years before he proposed and, personally, can't imagine not taking the plunge with someone who I hadn't lived with beforehand.

etc. etc. Don't even touch the webcam/Skype relationships versus real life dating.

Every couple has their own parameters for how a relationship progresses. Unfortunately, there are multiple issues in dating someone who is long-distance -- time, money, and cultural differences being some of them. What the OP would consider prudent, I'd consider hasty.

[Rufus2012 175]

I "knew" after a month but I don't see how anyone could think that would be a good idea. Kind of like how some people spend lottery winnings before they receive any money. Just irresponsible and foolish IMHO.

No, it's not irresponsible and foolish, it's just not what you would do.

I knew a couple who were happily married for 62 years until her death. They dated for 8 weeks. From the first meeting to the wedding ceremony. If that's foolish and irresponsible, then sign me up.

[misswiss 6]

It's similar to asking a person to prove that their version of God exists. We are all entitle to our our own opinions and free to make our own choices (impulsive or exhaustively researched). What you, me, or anyone else thinks about another's reason for marrying doesn't matter.

EXACTLY!!!! Why would anybody post about people dating/marrying after a short/long time??? Like it's your business what other couples do, or you know how they feel about one another..

Edited November 9, 2011 by misswiss

[Moomin 292]

We're all so fast passing judgement on other if they don't do what we're doing or if we didn't do what our parents did. My parents have been together for 35+ years and they are not married(I'm not going to say "yet"). When things don't work out after marrying fast after meeting, people are even faster with the "I told you so" but forget the ones that last.

Statistics don't show everything. 5 divorces are counted as if it's 5 people with 1 divorce each.

For some it really doesn't take 4 years to get to know each other well enough to know their common ground and to know each other, and some really doesn't consider marriage as important. Fwiw, I just met the right guy. The duration of all other relationships I've been in didn't make up for the lack of readiness.. or bothering to give marriage much thought either.

[Dan & Jenni 457]

i knew one month after i started talking to Jenni that she was the most perfect girl ever and that i would want to spend the rest of my life with her because she told me so

[Deema & Wayne 28]

My parents also got engaged the day they met (it was an arranged marriage) and he left the country for work the next day, they wrote letters to each other until it was time for them to get married. They've been married for 37 years. My sister met a Moroccan man and they spoke for 8 months, met only once in person and after the 8 months they got married. I met my husband online we talked for 2 months before I took the plunge and got myself on a plane to come meet him here in the US for the first time for just two weeks, a month later I was back and lived with him for 5 months; after that he visited me, came to meet my family, etc. Up till recently during my last visit he proposed. Whether it's arranged or just a leap of faith (because some people just know), it may or may not work and hidden intentions aren't even relevant or existing. Yeah we have major cultural differences, my parents got married the "traditional" way, I didn't, neither did my sister but we got their blessing because they want us to be happy! I married my husband after a little over a year from when I first met him. Had he proposed earlier, I would of married him earlier.

[kokylolo 7]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

I would have married my husband within a month if I had the option. Some people just know. Some people like to wait and see. Either way, its the couples choice and I hope everyone does what they feel is right for them.

[Brian121957 43]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

I think the key is how serious are you.

When you date some one local you may tend to take your time together for granted. When you are both from the same culture you tend to take communications for granted too.

When you date internationally it is different. I set up some ground rules. I promised these to her and she promised them to me.

1: Never lie.Never Lie, NEVER LIE!! This does not mean your have to tell every thing. If you do not feel comfortable talking about something then say so. But NEVER make up an answer. You are from a different cultures so don't assume you know what the other person wants to hear. It would be to easy to base a relationship on a misunderstanding.

2: Respect each other. Respect the other person right to have their own thoughts, their own ideas, their own desires. Don't disrespect them by lying to them.

3: If you do this you will have a strong foundation for a relationship. If love grows then you both will be blessed with a strong love.

We meet just over a year ago and she will arrive in the USA next week.

[GnBnL 50]

I think that it depends on each person. Besides, don't you think that all divorced and split couples started out thinking they'd be together forever? I am a big fan of the long term relationship before serious commitment myself. I can't imagine moving in with someone I've only known for a little while sheesh!

[Helen Louise Pile 80]

Try to help me understand. I am from Germany, so my cultural experience is limited by my upbringing there and my time here in the U.S. I am a fairly conservative person when it comes to relationships and I do take my time before I take the next step. My American wife is the same. When we met, we took our time and dated for a year which we both considered a fairly short time when we decided to get married. In hindsight, we are happy that we did what we did. However, for both of us this time of one year to get to know each other is still fairly short. I had lived in the U.S. for several years before I even met my wife.

I've been reading a lot here recently about people coming to the U.S. and then two or three months later they've met the person of their dreams and have gotten hitched. After 12 weeks. Why would people get married so quickly if it weren't at least sometimes for immigration purposes? I don't want to suggest that people who fit the above description harbor any intent to commit immigration fraud per se. I just don't buy it how someone of sound age and with a solid education would not only find the love of their life (that feeling I can believe in) but also get married in a very, very short time. You can't tell me that abiding love is the only reason in such cases.

You will read a lot here on visajourney that you will question and be shocked by!

I wouldn't marry so quickly either, but I did know pretty early on that I would marry my husband.

You say you 'just don't buy it'...but you don't have to buy it. What people do is their own business.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

The below were NOT online relationships, but in-real-life ones:

My friend's friend dated for 10 years, got married, and divorced after 2 months.

Another of my friend dated her now-husband for 6 months in 2003, got married, and are still happily married.

The below were online relationships:

Another friend dated her now-husband for around 6 months in 2003-2004, got married, and are still happily married with 2 daughters.

Yet another friend dated her now-husband for about 1 year in 2003, got married, and are still happily married with one son.

Every relationship is different. Can't judge. Can't understand? No one is asking you to.

P.S. I came to the above conclusion not very easily myself... at first I was extremely skeptical of my friends' relationships. But I have changed my mind in their cases. Sometimes I am still skeptical of some online relationships that were quick and ended in marriages, but I am more willing to give them the benefit of the doubt.

Edited November 9, 2011 by MalaysianGirl