Black woman, white man: Should race matter in love?

[SuperDuper! 230]

Black woman, white man: Should race matter in love?

With the stigma of interracial marriage faded, why do smart, strong black women still wrestle so emotionally with whether to 'cross over'?

Sandy Banks

8:05 PM PDT, October 7, 2011

It's been so long, I can't even remember what the column was about or how I'd drawn the ire of the reader who mailed me in response.

She was — like me — black, middle-aged and middle-class, and she disagreed vehemently with whatever I'd said that week.

She threw down the gauntlet with her closing remark: "I can tell; you're one of those women with a white boyfriend."

I was pleased to be able to rally back: "My boyfriend is black." Take that.

But I was also grateful that her challenge hadn't come the year before. Then I would have been guilty as charged, of being one of those women with a white boyfriend.

She'd meant it as an insult, and I recognized that. I recall feeling vaguely ashamed at being so blatantly called out; and relieved that I had reclaimed my place in the sisterhood by landing an acceptable mate.

It wasn't until years later — when that relationship was done and I was surveying the pool of eligible men — that I had to ask myself, what does "one of those women" mean?

And how is it that my romantic choices somehow publicly brand me?

I've been thinking about those questions a lot this week, as I accompanied my brother, Stanford professor Rick Banks, talking about a book he's written, "Is Marriage for White People?" to a series of Los Angeles audiences.

The book mixes scholarly studies and women's stories to explain how a national decline in marriage has hit middle-class black women especially hard, leaving us alone and segregated in an increasingly integrated romantic world.

His book raises complicated issues that can't be reduced to shorthand here and has prompted spirited public discussion with its suggestion that black women — the most un-partnered group in America — consider relationships with nonblack men.

What intrigues me is that today, when the stigma of interracial marriage has faded, we are still wrestling so emotionally with this issue — "we" being smart, strong, accomplished black women, who are wary of "crossing over" but tired of going through life alone.

Black women seem to feel bound less by societal strictures now and more by a sense of pain over the heartbreaking circumstances of black men.

But those same circumstances are what help keep middle-class black women single. Among African Americans, two women graduate from college for every man. Black men are twice as likely to marry a woman of another race.

Our first stop this week was an elegant home on a palm-lined street in Baldwin Hills, where a book club meeting was hosted by a woman who had just returned from a 15-day sailing trip through the Greek Isles, on her own. Her guests that night — lawyers, writers, teachers, business owners — were mostly single women with satisfying careers, close friends and more than a passing acquaintance with loneliness.

I heard those women reliving old choices: The white guy in college rebuffed because you didn't trust his motives. The white co-worker who invited you to the symphony and dinner, and you thought he was just being friendly.

When one women recalled a romance with a white law school classmate that ended when he wanted to get serious and she was afraid of what might come next, her book group friends ribbed her. "I didn't know you did that vanilla thing."

The next night at a conference hosted by the USC Center for Law, History and Culture, the conversation was considerably different. A multi-racial audience of students considered such issues as, does marriage subjugate women?

Resistance to interracial dating wasn't on their young radar screen.

It was standing room only on Thursday night at Eso Won Books, the literary heart of black Los Angeles.

I could sense the need to look beyond dispiriting stats and find an antidote to the isolation of black women rooted in faith, not betrayal, of beleaguered black men.

And I could hear a philosophical divide that was not racial, but generational:

The old folks blaming "spiritual disconnected-ness," "European cultural domination," or the "devastating impact of slavery." The young bridling at the mention of slavery, vibrating in their seats and waving their hands to speak.

"At some point," one woman in her twenties shouted, gesturing toward the man with the 'slavery" comment. "You have to take responsibility for yourself and your actions."

Slavery wasn't the problem, another said: "In high school, they told all of us to go to college. The girls went to college. The boys went to parties."

And now, through a cruel twist of market forces, these young black women see themselves on the sidelines while black men call the relationship shots.

I'm still wondering what pricked me so deeply about that long-ago reader's comment. I tried to gauge from all I heard this week, what kind of black woman has a white boyfriend? Open-minded or desperate; a champion of her gender or traitor to her race; someone who is culturally secure or trying to look away from her own black face?

What kind of woman, by refusing to look beyond skin color, cheats herself in service of a painful history? Who loses when we put conditions on an open heart?

It's hard enough to find someone you love without making romance a test of racial solidarity.

latimes.com/la-me-1008-banks-20111008,0,3890182.column

Edited November 5, 2011 by Boing!

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Since the stigma is gone...who cares? People should marry who they want and this writer should find another topic, like why doesn't she use floss instead of tape?

[SuperDuper! 230]

Did you read the article? Its about how the woman feels. The social pressure is HUGE against her being with a white man.

[luckytxn 2,264]

Did you read the article? Its about how the woman feels. The social pressure is HUGE against her being with a white man.

The social pressure is huge if she allows it to be. There are many black woman that date and even marry white men. Guess they can handle the pressure. She has allowed others to make her choice for her. That makes her weak. How about she try to think of something a great man once said. Judge not the color of the skin but the character of the person. (Not an exact quote) Just her writing this tripe shows she is incapable of making decisions for herself.

[MalaysianGirl 26]

I think intercultural relationships are awesome and cool. Just sayin'.

[A & K 42 34]

I am a black woman and my fiance (husband to be) is white, there are challenges with the people around us at times but our love is a lot more powerful and effective. we have the support of our family and close friends and that is all that really matters.

[TheFantastics09 19]

I think people should try not to look at each other as "this person is white, this person is black" etc. We are all part of the human race... If we stop putting such an emphasis on the colour of our skin, then there would not be an issue. The world has come too far in the equality game to step back now.

Just my 2 cents

Edited November 19, 2011 by TheFantastics09

[dalegg 143]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=egDJc1HhiZ4

[Penguin_ie 5,993]

***** one post removed as irreverent, insulting to a racial group and irrelevant to the discussion at hand *****

[106206 15]

I think that these kinds of things are a self fulfilling prophacy. People have spent the past 100 or so years having to wrestle with this, and if you just let it die, then they will have to go find something else to wrestle with. We need to move past the mindset now and it will take about 25-50 years to get there. So it won't be for everyone but for those that let these kinds of things push them around and let others make their decisions for them...life is too short for that.

When we have a personal friend or family member that shares a concern like this we should be attentive and assure them they can do whatever they think is best for them. It is a real problem but it needs to be dealt with at a personal level not by inflating the sterotypes or they will be here in 2111 as well as 2011 and 1911. That's how I see it anyhow.