Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[Dream'nJordan 9]

Speaking from experience....I am scared for you. I am begging you to rethink this. Gone this far or not......think long and hard before you go through with this. The man I married was the sweetest guy ever until I found out who he really was. He started to change before the interview but I refused to see it. Not wanting me to talk to his friends, not wanting me to talk to mine, once he got here, things got sooooo much worse. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. He controlled my every move and thought. Had a VERY strange obsession with my 12 year old daughter that he could not keep his hands off of ( Thank God she says nothing ever happened). My best friend tried to warn me, and I really wish I would have listened before I brought him here. He was here 5 months, wouldnt work, wouldnt help me with anything and treated me like I owed him everything....may I add that I paid for everything? The trips there, the hotels, the spending money, the food, the immigration process and even his ticket here. All he wanted to do was keep me at home, control me, and he could do whatever he wanted. Which was eat, sleep, and stay online all the time. I found porn on my internet, he was all the time in chat rooms talking to other women. When I finally had enough we called his family and told them to send him a ticket back home. But before he left, he made sure to downgrade me in front of my kids and threaten me that if I messed up his "plans", he still had family here in the U.S, that would make my life hell and meanwhile he would go home and be happy with his new wife from Egypt that was truly the one that he really loved and was one of the many that he was talking to when he was here in my home. BTW....he did marry her.....not even 3 months after he left the U.S. Bad news....even after writing everyone in the immigration process, telling them my story and sending them the divorce papers, my family and I are still legally responsible for him if he steps on U.S soil within the next 2 years. Im begging you ......PLZZZZZ Stop and think about this. What he is telling you to do is not right and its not love. Thats control!

[MalaysianGirl 26]

Speaking from experience....I am scared for you. I am begging you to rethink this. Gone this far or not......think long and hard before you go through with this. The man I married was the sweetest guy ever until I found out who he really was. He started to change before the interview but I refused to see it. Not wanting me to talk to his friends, not wanting me to talk to mine, once he got here, things got sooooo much worse. I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. He controlled my every move and thought. Had a VERY strange obsession with my 12 year old daughter that he could not keep his hands off of ( Thank God she says nothing ever happened). My best friend tried to warn me, and I really wish I would have listened before I brought him here. He was here 5 months, wouldnt work, wouldnt help me with anything and treated me like I owed him everything....may I add that I paid for everything? The trips there, the hotels, the spending money, the food, the immigration process and even his ticket here. All he wanted to do was keep me at home, control me, and he could do whatever he wanted. Which was eat, sleep, and stay online all the time. I found porn on my internet, he was all the time in chat rooms talking to other women. When I finally had enough we called his family and told them to send him a ticket back home. But before he left, he made sure to downgrade me in front of my kids and threaten me that if I messed up his "plans", he still had family here in the U.S, that would make my life hell and meanwhile he would go home and be happy with his new wife from Egypt that was truly the one that he really loved and was one of the many that he was talking to when he was here in my home. BTW....he did marry her.....not even 3 months after he left the U.S. Bad news....even after writing everyone in the immigration process, telling them my story and sending them the divorce papers, my family and I are still legally responsible for him if he steps on U.S soil within the next 2 years. Im begging you ......PLZZZZZ Stop and think about this. What he is telling you to do is not right and its not love. Thats control!

I am so, so sorry to hear that you went through all that.

[Dream'nJordan 9]

I am so, so sorry to hear that you went through all that.

Thank you. Lesson learned, I am so much better off without him. I happy where I am at now.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Thank you for sharing your story! Im so sorry you went through all of that with a man that was supposed to love you but deceived you & used you. What the heck is wrong with a person to do things like that, is beyond my mind really! I hope the OP takes heart to what you went through & had her eyes wide open to the control & abuse thats being done from a distance & theres no such thing as it getting better or him changing. I hope she stops it NOW & cuts the cords! Let him fall on his backside & may he never come over here to make her life worse!

[SuperDuper! 230]

Dear VJ

SIGH, where do I begin? This man I thought I knew now is showing the "tell tale" signs of Arab male Islamic supremacy. It's so gut-wrenching. October 30 is his interview. We've come this far to call it quits. We've met twice for a total of 7 weeks in 2 years and have daily skype chat for 2 hours stretch. Here are the situations I am being ordered....

[*]Smiling IS now forbidden, only at home.

[*]Sitting with male co-workers during lunch is forbidden, especially when I have been doing it for 15 plus years and grew up in a dominant male household (tomboy, hunting, fishing, and etc).

[*]Even using my eyes to process and intake information (it's a deaf thing to use my eyes to hear/feel my surroundings) - FORBIDDEN! (This one REALLY hit a sour spot).

[*]Transporting a distant male relative from point A to point B is now forbidden, especially when I've been doing it for YEARS and YEARS.

[*]This is just to list a few.

Talk about cultural clash. I've done my part with modifying, adapting, adjusting... even deleting OLD college male friends from 20 years ago on my facebook. I've gone out this way to dress far more modestly. I have 3 college degrees and hold a respectable job. I've read about HIGH FRAUD MENA men... and never thought this whole facade would materialize right within my grasp. I've educated myself on those "Arab" cultural differences, that I can adjust. BUT, I cannot adjust with the way I communicate which is via the use of my eyes.

My question is.... WHAT would you suggest? Especially for those USC females who have had those experiences. Male input would be appreciated too. I'm rated as an INFP on Myer's Brigg personality test and am the most humblest person on earth.... this is really tearing me up.

Shell-shocked...

I will TAKE any advices with a grain of salt.

~E

Glad he isn't a control freak. Otherwise, things wouldn't have a fair chance of working out. Good luck, though.

[Dream'nJordan 9]

Thank you for sharing your story! Im so sorry you went through all of that with a man that was supposed to love you but deceived you & used you. What the heck is wrong with a person to do things like that, is beyond my mind really! I hope the OP takes heart to what you went through & had her eyes wide open to the control & abuse thats being done from a distance & theres no such thing as it getting better or him changing. I hope she stops it NOW & cuts the cords! Let him fall on his backside & may he never come over here to make her life worse!

Thank you. I just dont want to see her make the same mistake that I did. It may hurt like hell going this far and then stopping everything, but its easier to stop it now. Once he gets here....you are stuck financially for two years. And she doesnt need to just walk away.......she needs to RUN and Dont look back.

[BobnCherry 10]

Dear VJ

SIGH, where do I begin? This man I thought I knew now is showing the "tell tale" signs of Arab male Islamic supremacy. It's so gut-wrenching. October 30 is his interview. We've come this far to call it quits. We've met twice for a total of 7 weeks in 2 years and have daily skype chat for 2 hours stretch. Here are the situations I am being ordered....

[*]Smiling IS now forbidden, only at home.

[*]Sitting with male co-workers during lunch is forbidden, especially when I have been doing it for 15 plus years and grew up in a dominant male household (tomboy, hunting, fishing, and etc).

[*]Even using my eyes to process and intake information (it's a deaf thing to use my eyes to hear/feel my surroundings) - FORBIDDEN! (This one REALLY hit a sour spot).

[*]Transporting a distant male relative from point A to point B is now forbidden, especially when I've been doing it for YEARS and YEARS.

[*]This is just to list a few.

Talk about cultural clash. I've done my part with modifying, adapting, adjusting... even deleting OLD college male friends from 20 years ago on my facebook. I've gone out this way to dress far more modestly. I have 3 college degrees and hold a respectable job. I've read about HIGH FRAUD MENA men... and never thought this whole facade would materialize right within my grasp. I've educated myself on those "Arab" cultural differences, that I can adjust. BUT, I cannot adjust with the way I communicate which is via the use of my eyes.

My question is.... WHAT would you suggest? Especially for those USC females who have had those experiences. Male input would be appreciated too. I'm rated as an INFP on Myer's Brigg personality test and am the most humblest person on earth.... this is really tearing me up.

Shell-shocked...

I will TAKE any advices with a grain of salt.

~E

Two words...SEE YA!!! no way I'd put my girl through that nor would she to me thank god he showed you in time to be able to put an end to it before he got here.

[Ryan H 3,812]

As for cutting him loose, how is this done especially when interview is in 2 days?

Contact the Embassy in Algiers, USCIS, and CBP.

[GVMack 9]

I agree with all the posts above.

I know it maybe difficult in your heart as you may love him, but I'm sure in your mind you already know what will happen if you continue with the process.

You deserve to be happy and loved, with out any pain or worry. Do what's best for you.

He is your fiancée, NOT yet husband. You two have not yet lived together, and you don't know fully what he is capable of doing.

Follow your gut.

Take care,

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Hi,

First of all, I am INFP too.

INFP tend to have close circles friends and doesn't like wide circle of acquaintances. If your fiance started controlling you, what does he expected? He needs to know you are very choosy when come to friendship and he should be happy for that. How many women outside that love to expand their new friendship with male friends? A lot.

As INFP, I would suggest you use your intuition to answer this. I know it's already going this far, but you still have a chance to change what's your future holds.I was born and grew up in most populous Muslim country in the world. But I've never seen so extremely old fashioned guy like this.

You already have your life for many years long way before you met him. How dare he is trying to change the way you live? I have met some guys that don't like their partner mingle with male co-workers or male friends.

But, if he wanted a woman like that, he has to go the country that some women willing to sacrifice and slaving them selves to men. You deserve better than this strange weird guy.

Edited October 28, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[Mithra 1,185]

First off if you're using the term "Arab male Islamic supremacy" then you probably shouldn't be with this person. Second, his behavior is controlling regardless of his Arabness or Islamicness. The fact that his interview is in two days is not a reason to remain in this relationship. If you think it will improve once he's in the U.S., you are wrong. It's easier for you if he remains in his country than trying to get rid of him once he's in the U.S. I'm not even talking about deportation here. If you bought a spoiled gallon of milk, would you drink it simply because you got it all the way home? I don't think so.

[Done--Really 331]

Call the embassy immediately--don't depend on email, although you should also send an email so that you have a confirmation that you are withdrawing your petition. This is serious stuff...if you wanted to be an Algerian you would move to Algeria...if he doesn't want to become an American, then leave him in his country. This is the rest of your life...don't screw it up.

[Danni and Hamza 36]

Hey Emily,

I am sorry to hear things have taken a turn. We have talked a lil back and forth on PM, and you are always such a sweet girl. This is such a good quality, and I am sure you have the sweetest smile to go with that sweet personality.Please don't let him take this away from you. Can you imagine never laughing with male colleagues, or never smiling at a male when you greet them? I know I always smile, without even thinking about it, when I greet anyone. I am assuming that you can read lips, or at least use this as a tool to supplement signing, and other communication techniques you use. I imagine this would be extremely hard for you to no longer look at others while communicating. I am not deaf, and it would be extremely hard for me. There are alot of things that we have to make compromise about in relationships, but this should not be one of them.He needs to be understanding, and supportive of this. Sometimes people think they can take advantage of others who are so nice, but this isn't true! Cause you may be very sweet, but you can take a stand for yourself! I know myself, I have a hard time letting go of relationships. I always see the good in people before the bad, and I am always hoping for the best from them. I am sure that is what you have been hoping for too! From what you have explained above, about his attitude change, and need to control you.... I can't see him changing. I am so sorry. If he is controlling now from 6000 miles away, imagine how it will be when he is in arms reach of you. Whatever you decide, it is your choice, and I hope that your choice will only bring good things for you!

If you decide to not let him go thru with the interview, then call the embassy as soon as possible, and let them know you have had a change of heart. Then contact him, and let him know the interview has been cancelled, or don't. This is what I would do, in your situation. However, this is your choice.

If you decide to still go ahead with the interview, and have him come to the USA... you should consider having a very serious conversation with him, and let him know that his demands are unacceptable, and also consider not getting married right away when he gets here. See how he interacts with you here, how he interacts with family and friends, and how he responds when you go out on your own. Make sure he is who you deserve to marry, and not someone who will try to control you. If you don't marry in the three months, then he will have failed to meet the requirements of the K1, and will either have to leave on his own accord... or become an out of status person, and face deportation. I wish you the best in whatever you decide. Good Luck

-Danni

[MIBEN 83]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation but if you are serious about cutting your losses then consider this, the 30th is on a Sunday and I have never heard of an embassy open on Sundays. Ok on to the point, call the embassy directly and give them the case and name number and tell them you want to withdraw the visa. Also, send them an email with an attached memorandum stating why you want to withdraw (ended the relationship).

I had the same situation (not the same embassy) and they responded quickly and told me not to worry the interview was cancelled, however it took about 4 months to finally get back correspondence from USCIS stating that the visa request had been returned to them and they had closed out the case.

Consular Section

United States Embassy Algiers, Algeria

05 Chemin Cheikh Bachir Ibrahimi

El-Biar 16030

Alger Algerie

Tel: 0770-08-2240

Email: ConsularAlgiers@state.gov

Web Site: http://algiers.usembassy.gov

For American Citizen Services only

Tel: 0770-08-2032

Email: ACSAlgiers@state.gov

For after-hours emergencies involving U.S. citizens, call the Embassy Duty Officer at 0770-08-2000.

Good luck,

[Boiler 45,522]

The chances of an immediate approval are very small, not seemingly an uncommon scenario.