Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[In a tizzy 7]

Oh dear lord...for an articulate and intelligent sounding woman you are incredibly naive. I can't exactly blame you for that I guess. You really haven't a clue about what you're getting yourself into. Him signing a prenup isn't going to protect you from this guy if he turns into the nightmare that so many others before you have experienced.

I forgot...

Mithra, you have a BEAUTIFUL baby! Just precious!

God bless.

e

[Zee Bee 61]

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this has been said already.

I'm confused as to what it is that you want to happen. All the red flags that you have put up would have me running in the other direction. I doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to make him change. At the same time, I get the feeling that you want to be armed with as much information as you can get so that if he comes here and it does not work out then you will be protected. Have you ventured over to the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum? If he comes here without you being 110% certain that things are going to work out you are asking for more trouble that it is worth.

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

Plus being financially responsible for whatever mess is made, can ruin all your hard work in life. Many people on VJ can attest to that.

[Crossed_fingers 128]

Only the OP knows what she expects or hopes for from this relationship, but I think Msheesha raised a bunch of incredibly valid questions. I understand wanting to arm yourself with knowledge, but for me there seems to be a disconnect here between acquiring knowledge (like contact information for attorneys, government authorities, and DV assistance groups) and reevaluating the path you're on now that you have that information.

If I hadn't yet gotten married or brought my fiance over here, and I felt like I needed to make appointments with domestic violence counselors "in advance" I sure as heck wouldn't go through with the immigration or the marriage. That would be a total no-brainer.

I understand that some couples feel more comfortable with a pre-nup based on their own individual circumstances, and I'd never argue that a relationship is less solid because one or both of the parties want a little protection "just in case." HOWEVER, it's another animal entirely if you were going merrily along and NOT planning on getting one, and then shortly before acquiring his immigration benefit your future spouse started acting unbelievably shady and that behavior made you suddenly start to doubt the marriage and decide a pre-nup is a requirement.

As an attorney, I don't represent you and of course I don't know any of the specifics of your situation, but if I had these kinds of suspicions or fears about my own SO before bringing him here there isn't a contract in the world that I feel could protect me. I would be too afraid of the pre-nup being altered or tossed or not covering something, of physical violence that no piece of paper can protect me from, of Uncle Sam coming to collect from me if he ends up being a deadbeat who milks the system for public benefits, of him blackmailing me with anything random he could get his hands on, of him faking a DV claim against me to claim VAWA - let alone the "mere nuisances" of living in hell with someone like you've described, having to go through even a plain ol' vanilla divorce, the wasted time and money and energy in bringing him here, etc. The possibilities go on and on and I don't think there's any information or pre-nup or anything that would really provide adequate insurance against those risks *IF* I really thought they were likely to happen.

Finally, speaking as a newlywed...how you're feeling right now is not how you deserve to feel. A soon-to-be bride heading for her wedding should be in the most glowing period your relationship. People should be stopping you on the street to ask what you put in your Wheaties this morning because the joy should be radiating off you. I know how we all feel about unicorns and rainbows here in VJ MENA, so to all of the "regulars," please indulge me for just a moment! I'm not saying love is always easy or that we should be blind to cultural differences, adjustments, nerves that come along with the immigration process, and so on....but you should be in a honeymoon phase right now like it's nobody's business!!! If things were right, truly right, in your relationship, right now you would be in the clouds. And you're not. As Msheesha pointed out, you're using war lingo to talk to strangers on the internet about battling your fiance, who you're not communicating with. You deserve better than this. This isn't how it's supposed to be, and it's now how it has to be. There is no shortage of men in this country or around the world (and I'd argue that being single can be pretty darn fulfilling, too, especially when compared to living with a man who won't let you communicate with the outside world). I know you feel like you've already invested a lot into this relationship, but don't throw away more good money after bad. It's like you're making this horrible gamble with this man who is showing all the danger signs you could possibly see - enough to make you want to get in touch with the embassy, an attorney, various domestic violence agencies, and CBP!!!! NOT NORMAL WEDDING PREP!!!!!! - and yet you still seem to be entertaining the idea of taking a chance on happiness with him. Is it really a scarier proposition to risk being on your own for a while, and one day when you're ready perhaps venturing to look for somebody new who has a blank slate?

[missmissy 38]

I agree with you and I disagree with you. It is apples and oranges, but it's still part of the same fruit salad. We've all had to go through it. She will be dealing with the issues of a controlling spouse on a daily basis, in addition to everything else I've described. I wanted to make a point - a marriage is very hard work, marriage to a foreign spouse is, IMO even harder and the hard work never stops. Emily has a very long road ahead of her if she goes forward with this. Since the posts warning her to run away weren't working, I wanted to give her something else to think about.

Dealing with the annoyances of your spouse, and vice versa, on a daily basis can not be compared to the issue of wanting to control a spouse and take away her means of communicating with the world.

All that you wrote is valid, but I don't think it's applicable to OP's situation. Apples & oranges.

[OnMyWayID 1,489]

I have a phone conference with the Embassy on Tuesday.

So, hold your horses.

All's gonna be fine.

E

Why? In all honesty here... Your guy is not doing anything wrong. He is telling you how he wants the relationship to be and how his beliefs run. You have to make a decision: He is now being honest and telling you what he wants. if you do not want to live that way then you are not compatible and *you* should end it... This is not a decision for the embassy personnel or anyone else to make.

What you are doing now is deflecting every comment so that you can avoid making any decision. You do not have to plead your case to anyone of authority and await their decision.. YOU YOU YOU make an actual decision, then inform the ones affected (this would be your guy, the embassy, etc).

please please do not respond with something like "you are so right I really should make a decision, I hope there is some resolution when I meet with the embassy blah blah blah Gods plan for me blah blah blah". I will have no sympathy for you if you allow this to happen because out of indecision or fear you just allow this to play out and cross your fingers that everything turns out ok..

[In a tizzy 7]

I haven't read all the posts so sorry if this has been said already.

I'm confused as to what it is that you want to happen. All the red flags that you have put up would have me running in the other direction. I doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to make him change. At the same time, I get the feeling that you want to be armed with as much information as you can get so that if he comes here and it does not work out then you will be protected. Have you ventured over to the "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum? If he comes here without you being 110% certain that things are going to work out you are asking for more trouble that it is worth.

EXACTLY, Zee Bee!

"I doubt that there is anything that you can say or do to make him change. At the same time, I get the feeling that you want to be armed with as much information as you can get so that if he comes here and it does not work out then you will be protected."

This is what I am doing RIGHT now.

Thanks again and I will most definitely look into the Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" forum.

[Confused 2 94]

At first I was sorry for what you are going through, then I was a little annoyed at how naive you are (or pretend to be). Nobody with so many RED FLAGS will take a chance on a relationship which is already proving to be a failure. Now I am upset enough (for the lack of a better term) to tell you that you either need to grow up and look at this whole situation of yours as one that is about to turn UGLY as soon as he gets here. ABUSIVE, to say the least and you are taking it as a joke. Another thing, please feel a little shame in trying to bring someone here that you are not sure of and then dumping him on this country as 1 more burden for America to carry. Do you really think that if he is an abuser, he will care about how many prenups he has signed or how many return tickets you buy for him if this does not work out??

[Mithra 1,185]

Thank you.

I forgot...

Mithra, you have a BEAUTIFUL baby! Just precious!

God bless.

e

[msheesha 548]

At first I was sorry for what you are going through, then I was a little annoyed at how naive you are (or pretend to be). Nobody with so many RED FLAGS will take a chance on a relationship which is already proving to be a failure. Now I am upset enough (for the lack of a better term) to tell you that you either need to grow up and look at this whole situation of yours as one that is about to turn UGLY as soon as he gets here. ABUSIVE, to say the least and you are taking it as a joke. Another thing, please feel a little shame in trying to bring someone here that you are not sure of and then dumping him on this country as 1 more burden for America to carry. Do you really think that if he is an abuser, he will care about how many prenups he has signed or how many return tickets you buy for him if this does not work out??

on the "or pretend to be" comment!

Edited October 31, 2011 by msheesha

[Nasturtium 500]

This thread makes less sense as it goes on and seems sadly typical. You have an opportunity to avoid crazy #######. I'd take it.

[msheesha 548]

This thread makes less sense as it goes on and seems sadly typical. You have an opportunity to avoid crazy #######. I'd take it.

Don't know what is "typical" about it but...

about the highlighted statements.

[Nasturtium 500]

Don't know what is "typical" about it but...

about the highlighted statements.

Sorry, the typical comment was regarding the whole people warning someone and the person giving various reasons as to why these red flags are OK in their situation. It sucks to hear people come down on your relationship and it makes one defensive, but there is often not really a "nice" way to break that kind of news.

[In a tizzy 7]

Sorry, the typical comment was regarding the whole people warning someone and the person giving various reasons as to why these red flags are OK in their situation. It sucks to hear people come down on your relationship and it makes one defensive, but there is often not really a "nice" way to break that kind of news.

Exactly my sentiments.

However, I feel rest assured with all the information I have at hand as supplied by the VJ'ers, i.e. phone nbr, contact info, what do to next has really helped the situation.

I may be ignorant in terms of religion, ways of life, etc, but am TRULY ignorant with the visa processes. That's why I am here.

Msheesha has made a good point about the thread not making sense as it goes along. She's right. I've got all I need now.

[dukeandduchess 141]

If my fiance was "arming" himself to deal with "consequences" of my coming there, I would tuck tail and run.

At first this thread sounded like a sad person shocked by their lover's sudden change in behaviour. Now it just sounds like you have no love or trust for this man and are preparing for the inevitable demise of your relationship all while planning your marriage.

Talk about contradictions. I hate to say it, but if you go through with bringing this man over to the US and things go poorly for you, you deserve it. Nearly everyone here has warned you about bringing this man over. We may not all be correct in our reasoning but not even you, his fiancee, sound sure about marrying him and I think that is enough for all of us to tell you that you should reconsider your decisions (or lack there of).

Marriage is about love, trust, and accepting someone for who they are. It is not about devising failsafe strategies and arming yourself with information in case things go awry.

Give your head a shake.