Sudden CHANGE!!! What do I do!?

[In a tizzy 7]

Girl, this is one seriously f'd up situation. You're going to let some frickin' 25-year old dude control you? And you're 40?!? Get the hell out! You must be high! Or, he must be smoking some really good stuff. Some tool who has no real world experience, no relationship experience and probably no real employment background either is going to get your love? He sounds like a child, a petulant one at that. I think you need a real man, and just because some guy has a ####### doesn't mean that he's got to come out with himself all high on testosterone trying to put you in your place.

Because of your deafness, you are a woman with special needs. And please know, I'm not a stranger to section 504 and ADA compliance as I deal with accessibility issues in my work everyday. Thus, for you to even remotely consider marrying someone who cannot acknowledge that your world is vastly different than his, because he can hear and you cannot, you, my dear, are setting yourself up for failure. I'd be running as far away from this misogynistic idiot as fast as I could.

Clarification, he's not smoking nor am I. Yep, I'm 40 and proud of it.

By the way, your post just made me laugh so hard that coffee came right out of my nostrils (no offense), but the way you've describe him as a petulant child.

I am by no means an easy pushover, or a door mat for him to walk on. My older post had already mentioned that.

What I REALLY wanted was the arsenal of information which I already got now, the contact info for CBP, Embassy, and etc etc etc. Now, I have a full card of resources to go from there.

post with caution....

Thanks.... I appreciate it.

[Rufus2012 175]

And btw, did he ever contact you yet about the details of his interview? Like what questions he was asked?

This is the most baffling to me. If it were me, I'd mug somebody for a cell phone if I had to in order to get the word back to my fiance.

(moderators - I am not advocating illegal actions )

Edited October 31, 2011 by WaitingInSeattle

[Crossed_fingers 128]

I am so confused. OP, you are keeping the authorities' contact information in your back pocket, and also preparing to go through with the marriage with a pre-nup "as a back up"? I might be misunderstanding something in your thought process, but are you really still considering marriage to a man with whom you think you must contact the embassy and keep the contact info of C&BP?

I'm just not sure I understand. It seems to me that it would make sense to say, "I realized I made a horrible mistake in this relationship, and I'm armed with the information about CBP and I've contacted the embassy, and I'm going to make sure this man doesn't come to the U.S. and become my financial burden." Or, it would make sense to say, "I've thought things over and I don't think he's as bad as I made him sound, I'm really excited about starting our lives together." We may not all agree, but it would make sense. But what I'm understanding here is kind of a mix of both: "I think I may need to try to have the authorities keep him from entering the country, but just in case, it's okay, because if he finds his way here I'll sign a pre-nup before I go through marriage with him." I'm sure I'm misinterpreting somewhere?

[~PalmTreeGurl~ 154]

RED FLAGS! No one gets ready to marry someone from another country with RED FLAGS like these & has a happy life. Sorry, but nobody does!

Edited October 31, 2011 by ~PalmTreeGurl~

[In a tizzy 7]

How do I say this gently? I don't think I can so here it goes. He's using you. What in the world does a twenty something guy who can likely get married to any 18-20 year old Algerian girl want with a 40 year old deaf woman? I'm not being mean or picking on you, but you have to think about this. This is the biggest issue I see. How do you communicate? Does he know sign language? Is he planning on learning sign language? You cannot type/chat to eachother when he's in your home and if you're having communication difficulties now it will only get worse when you don't have those tools to help.

I've not heard one single mention of emotion or of love between you two. All I can see is you arguing with yourself about not accepting his behavior and then in the next post you accepting it until the last moment. Do you realize how crazy this all sounds?

And, all the BS that he's talking about is typical cultural Algerian #######. Most of my BILs aren't very religious. They vary from practicing to not practicing at all. And a few in the middle who pray and fast but that's about it. Each and every one of them though try to shield the women in the family in the same way you described. They don't tell people their first names, they do the haggling in the market for them, and they'd knock some guy out if he was smiling/talking to one of them. The problem is that they have no exposure to the outside world. This is the way it is for most people. That's how they were raised and they go with it. My husband lived abroad just enough years(1995 to present) to rid himself of enough of these habits to not make him a controlling #######. I think these are huge warning signs that you should not ignore. If you aren't really prepared to live the rest of your relationship this way then he should stay there. Take him as he is or don't take him at all. When you plan on changing someones behavior you will be the loser.

Momof1 ,

You're so right about "knocking their teeth out" if a man was approaching me. That's happened and I've seen it, not once, but a few times in various places. Bus, street, cafe house.

Your husband is fortunate enough to shed that exterior and turn into a much better man (I hope).

No offense about me being 40, I know it's bizarre. I've been told I look 25. The Youtube post makes me LOOK OLDER and FATTER But who cares. You're right, I could be an easy target and I am very aware about it.

Well, you are the first to ask me how we communicated. He has a deaf cousin and signs Algerian which has a very common thread with French Sign Language. Ironically, American Sign Language is derived from France by 60%! So, it was easy communicating with him.

He has ambitions and that is to learn the FORMAL linguisitcs of signs. He wants to become an interpreter for Deaf Muslim Men. Presently there are only 5 certified female deaf muslim women, and the deaf men feel awkward using their services when having meetings with imam.

Me, my adjunct position twice a week after my full time job, I teach Linguistics of American Sign Language to future interpreters.

I do have ambitions of one day... opening up resource centers for the Deaf and deaf-blind children in developing countries. Peru is pretty much set up. Then I went to Algeria to travel and meet the deaf cousin, she introduced me to HIM. That's sort of how we met... I visited the areas and found resources to be very bare minimum and very inaccessible. I have ambitions to open resource centers there and outreach programs (non-profit).

So, when this whole thing snapped as of 2 days before his interview... I just wanted to be armed and ready with resources and be prepared.

Speaking of "lack of emotions", I try to keep the genuine feelings out of topic so I can focus on what availability of resources are out there.

Now I have it on hand, I am going to go meet with DOVE (Domestic Violence Center for women) and Deafdawn.org and share such information with them so THEY can have it ready for THEM as well.

Seattle has a GREAT GREAT center for the Deaf women www.adwas.org.

It's just that this whole thing was so NEW to me and felt lost for a moment.

Sorry for babbling.

E

[great123 0]

Perhaps, perhaps not. But it is interesting how so many people go out of their way to be politically correct whenever Islam is part of any discussion, in any way.

I saw a video from a mosque in the Seattle area, where the imam, a software company professional, explained when it was appropriate to hit your wife. Every religion has its bad apples, but no one seems to be calling out the muslims. Open season on Catholic priests, even when they don't deserve it, but muslims are getting a pass on everything.

This is the video: http://www.popmodal.com/video/7382/US-Imam-Allah-is-clear-you-can-hit-your-wife

go and read it carefully

saying hit your wifes don't mean smoking her in his faces or being so bad, a lot off Imam explain it I advice you to read before you talk.

are you a man or a woman so I will explain some things

In our Islam it's says every where that's the women should be so nice to her husband and caring and supporting and to be patient and LISTEN TO HER HUSBAND and she can change him as she want, she is like a earth for him

and man should be caring and support his wife he is responsible of all his expenses(food, clothes, travels....), what ever she want he is the responsible to pay for, when the husband is not around than his fathers the fathers is not around than his brothers, than uncles......always some one will take care of our woman we are living like a keen.

Think about if two people want to drive a care of course it's will be in accident so this how the marriage is, only one person will be the leather and it's the husband.

Now I was reading that's some people in USA and europ are making course for marriage people teaching them how to be happy in their marriage and how they can help their marriage to not be destroyed.

look at this and compare between what they advice them and what we have in SUNNA. THE SAME THINGS

I respect your opinion I didn't wanted to replay you but I feel that's this is my responsibility to explain what is islam for people who they don't understand the meaning of real islam, I know that's a lot off people are giving bad name to islam by calling them-self muslim and they don't know the real islam so Iam sure it's not your fault but please read more about it and you will find what I am saying and you will have the real answers for all the question.

Islam is one Sunna is one and really there is no salafi jihadi or shi3a or..... a lot off thing happened and a lot off fitna was created to hide the real islam, and it's not our fault. be sue that's no muslim hit her wifes and the people whom you saw hiting their wifes even they are misunderstanding islam as a lot of people are or they are muslim by NAME.

[In a tizzy 7]

I have a phone conference with the Embassy on Tuesday.

So, hold your horses.

All's gonna be fine.

E

[In a tizzy 7]

go and read it carefully

saying hit your wifes don't mean smoking her in his faces or being so bad, a lot off Imam explain it I advice you to read before you talk.

are you a man or a woman so I will explain some things

In our Islam it's says every where that's the women should be so nice to her husband and caring and supporting and to be patient and LISTEN TO HER HUSBAND and she can change him as she want, she is like a earth for him

and man should be caring and support his wife he is responsible of all his expenses(food, clothes, travels....), what ever she want he is the responsible to pay for, when the husband is not around than his fathers the fathers is not around than his brothers, than uncles......always some one will take care of our woman we are living like a keen.

Think about if two people want to drive a care of course it's will be in accident so this how the marriage is, only one person will be the leather and it's the husband.

Now I was reading that's some people in USA and europ are making course for marriage people teaching them how to be happy in their marriage and how they can help their marriage to not be destroyed.

look at this and compare between what they advice them and what we have in SUNNA. THE SAME THINGS

I respect your opinion I didn't wanted to replay you but I feel that's this is my responsibility to explain what is islam for people who they don't understand the meaning of real islam, I know that's a lot off people are giving bad name to islam by calling them-self muslim and they don't know the real islam so Iam sure it's not your fault but please read more about it and you will find what I am saying and you will have the real answers for all the question.

Islam is one Sunna is one and really there is no salafi jihadi or shi3a or..... a lot off thing happened and a lot off fitna was created to hide the real islam, and it's not our fault. be sue that's no muslim hit her wifes and the people whom you saw hiting their wifes even they are misunderstanding islam as a lot of people are or they are muslim by NAME.

You're right. Abuse does happen regardless of race, color, religion, age, education.

I've seen where silence can be so much more damaging than a hit.

It only goes to show that I still have A LOT to learn and am now on guard for anything at the moment.

[In a tizzy 7]

I am so confused. OP, you are keeping the authorities' contact information in your back pocket, and also preparing to go through with the marriage with a pre-nup "as a back up"? I might be misunderstanding something in your thought process, but are you really still considering marriage to a man with whom you think you must contact the embassy and keep the contact info of C&BP?

I'm just not sure I understand. It seems to me that it would make sense to say, "I realized I made a horrible mistake in this relationship, and I'm armed with the information about CBP and I've contacted the embassy, and I'm going to make sure this man doesn't come to the U.S. and become my financial burden." Or, it would make sense to say, "I've thought things over and I don't think he's as bad as I made him sound, I'm really excited about starting our lives together." We may not all agree, but it would make sense. But what I'm understanding here is kind of a mix of both: "I think I may need to try to have the authorities keep him from entering the country, but just in case, it's okay, because if he finds his way here I'll sign a pre-nup before I go through marriage with him." I'm sure I'm misinterpreting somewhere?

MMMM to be honest with you. You put it so well together. I'll have to think about that one.

He and I are gonna be talking tonight and it ain't gonna be about "love" or "Islam".

E

[In a tizzy 7]

This is the most baffling to me. If it were me, I'd mug somebody for a cell phone if I had to in order to get the word back to my fiance.

(moderators - I am not advocating illegal actions )

He will tell me everything tonight. This will happen tonight. Then my embassy inquiry is the next day. He is a man that follows things BLACK/WHITE, very obedient to the LAW and rules, FOLLOWS deadlines and time frames and all.

Whereas, me, everything is pastels, swirls, infinite, and whenever.

[Mithra 1,185]

Oh dear lord...for an articulate and intelligent sounding woman you are incredibly naive. I can't exactly blame you for that I guess. You really haven't a clue about what you're getting yourself into. Him signing a prenup isn't going to protect you from this guy if he turns into the nightmare that so many others before you have experienced.

[In a tizzy 7]

Oh dear lord...for an articulate and intelligent sounding woman you are incredibly naive. I can't exactly blame you for that I guess. You really haven't a clue about what you're getting yourself into. Him signing a prenup isn't going to protect you from this guy if he turns into the nightmare that so many others before you have experienced.

Yep, I've been TOLD that I'm a naive, but am not. I've been told I sound like a little girl (soft and all) but am not.

I sought information and resources and this is what I really needed: the resources, contact information, and IMPORTANT numbers to call and all that. Which I thank so many of them for supplying it at this moment. Because, I am the one who has to make up my own bed. (It's an idiom) and it is ME going to be ready to make those phone calls.

Keep in mind, the embassy and I have an appointment on Tuesday and that's tomorrow.

Em

[missmissy 38]

Emily,

In your original post you asked "What do I do"? What do you do?? You wait!

I want to add my two cents on how difficult marriage to a foreign born fiance can be, no matter where he is from. Marriage is hard. Long distance relationships are hard.

We are happily married and things good, but it was HARD. Before we were married, all of our time spent together was vacation. We traveled a lot and it was fun and sexy and thrilling. We were always on our best behavior because we knew our time was limited. I remember gushing to anyone that would listen to me about how wonderful life would be once he was here...if he was just here, life would be perfect! I was going to be the best wife ever, blah, blah, blah.....Once he was here permanently it quickly became obvious how little we really knew each other and little we were prepared for "real life." I don't know about anyone else, but our new life together wasn't rainbows and unicorns all of the time.

When he arrived here, I had to learn how to share everythig. I learned he had a lot of irritating habits that I was going to have to get used to AND I learned about all of MY irritating habits too. It wasn't MY house anymore, it was OURS (and to be completely honest, learning we/ours was really hard for me), I had someone to call if I was going to be late, I spent a lot of time explaining and answering questions about anything and everything, I had someone that wanted to go to the grocery with me and "help"..... I think we both walked on egg-shells for a long time and that just delayed the process. There were times when I wished he would go so I could miss him again and get "that feeling" back.....it was such a big adjustment for both of us and it wasn't fun, and the sexy part...forget about it! And, even though Lars spoke flawless English - I learned he doesn't really speak "southern" and that's been interesting. We've been together since 2006 and married since 2009 and it was just in these last 8 months or so we started to feel "normal" again.

Lars is 8 years older than I am, we are both over 50 (me, barely!), we have both lived away from our families and friends before and have been on our own for many years before we married. We have both been married before and our children are grown. Your fiance is 25, you are 40 - he is 15 years younger than you, has never lived away from his home, family or friends and has never been married before. He is not deaf and I assume he has never traveled to the United States before. This would be a very difficult transition for anyone. If I were you, I'd wait at least another year and try to have another visit or two with him and you two get to know each other a little better.

[msheesha 548]

Emily,

In your original post you asked "What do I do"? What do you do?? You wait!

I want to add my two cents on how difficult marriage to a foreign born fiance can be, no matter where he is from. Marriage is hard. Long distance relationships are hard.

We are happily married and things good, but it was HARD. Before we were married, all of our time spent together was vacation. We traveled a lot and it was fun and sexy and thrilling. We were always on our best behavior because we knew our time was limited. I remember gushing to anyone that would listen to me about how wonderful life would be once he was here...if he was just here, life would be perfect! I was going to be the best wife ever, blah, blah, blah.....Once he was here permanently it quickly became obvious how little we really knew each other and little we were prepared for "real life." I don't know about anyone else, but our new life together wasn't rainbows and unicorns all of the time.

When he arrived here, I had to learn how to share everythig. I learned he had a lot of irritating habits that I was going to have to get used to AND I learned about all of MY irritating habits too. It wasn't MY house anymore, it was OURS (and to be completely honest, learning we/ours was really hard for me), I had someone to call if I was going to be late, I spent a lot of time explaining and answering questions about anything and everything, I had someone that wanted to go to the grocery with me and "help"..... I think we both walked on egg-shells for a long time and that just delayed the process. There were times when I wished he would go so I could miss him again and get "that feeling" back.....it was such a big adjustment for both of us and it wasn't fun, and the sexy part...forget about it! And, even though Lars spoke flawless English - I learned he doesn't really speak "southern" and that's been interesting. We've been together since 2006 and married since 2009 and it was just in these last 8 months or so we started to feel "normal" again.

Lars is 8 years older than I am, we are both over 50 (me, barely!), we have both lived away from our families and friends before and have been on our own for many years before we married. We have both been married before and our children are grown. Your fiance is 25, you are 40 - he is 15 years younger than you, has never lived away from his home, family or friends and has never been married before. He is not deaf and I assume he has never traveled to the United States before. This would be a very difficult transition for anyone. If I were you, I'd wait at least another year and try to have another visit or two with him and you two get to know each other a little better.

Dealing with the annoyances of your spouse, and vice versa, on a daily basis can not be compared to the issue of wanting to control a spouse and take away her means of communicating with the world.

All that you wrote is valid, but I don't think it's applicable to OP's situation. Apples & oranges.

Edited October 31, 2011 by msheesha

[msheesha 548]

OP - what exactly do you see as a happy resolution to your situation?

Him coming here & changing & realizing that what you do is valuable and meaningful?

It's unclear what you envision as a happy ending because you've already envisioned and written

about all the negative endings you see coming. It doesn't seem like a happy ending can be envisioned, so

WHY put yourself through all of this?

You've described your interactions with him in terms of combat and games - being "armed", going a "second round", "overplaying" and "underplaying" hands. You described him as inhumane and compared him to a Salafist Jihadist.

Do you really believe this could end well at all?

Also, it's really sad that over the last few days (interview day included) you've had more communication with people on VJ than you've had with the man you seem to be planning to bring to the US and spend the rest of your life with????? It doesn't make any sense to me.