College/university humour

[Saddle Bronc 124]

On one of a university's bulletin boards was the following notice:

Thermodynamics text: McCabe & Smith, never used, $65

Contact: A.N. Other, 248-277-1771

A prospective buyer who noticed it and thought the price somewhat high (a new copy of McCabe & Smith at the university's bookstore ran about $90) put a post-it there asking:

Are you absolutely positive it's unused?

E. Bloggs

The next day, Bloggs found the following post-it note added:

Would a prof's attestation work? I guarantee Other never read it--I graded his Thermodynamics midterm and final.

Dr. M.A. Zaman

[TBoneTX 46,715]

MEMORANDUM

UNIVERSITY TRAVEL REGULATIONS

rev. 7.27.94/A

Due to budget constraints, the following University policies are announced regarding employee travel for official University business. The policies are effective immediately.

TRANSPORTATION

Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to departure on University business trips. Bus transportation will be used whenever possible. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and the lowest fare will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

LODGING

All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on University business. If weather permits, public areas, such as parks and parking lots, should be used for temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

MEALS

Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery chains, such as Kroger and Piggly Wiggly, provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can often be procured in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should patronize establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will prove especially cost-effective for employees traveling together, because a single plate can be used to feed an entire group. While on University business, employees are also encouraged to bring their own food; cans of tuna, Spam, pork & beans, and Beefaroni can be conveniently consumed at leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.

ENTERTAINMENT

Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are unavoidable, others should be encouraged to "pick up the tab." Such action will save the University money and convince everyone of the University's concern over spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to our visitors on campus should also be tastefully cost-effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in the parking lot near the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be provided for University guests.

MISCELLANEOUS

All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in this team effort to save University dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layovers and used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "red caps" will be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for helping other travelers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

[TBoneTX 46,715]

The Best & Worst Comments Received, taken from MIT's Course-Evaluation Guide, Fall 1991 (I like the last one best, si man):

"Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."

"He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."

"In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."

"Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"

"Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."

"The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."

"His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame"

"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoken in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking-lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

"Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where I was, and what I was doing...it's a great stress-reliever."

"I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."

"The absolute value of the T.A. was less than epsilon."

"T.A. steadily improved throughout the course... I think he started drinking, and it really loosened him up."

"Information was presented like a ruptured fire-hose, spraying in all directions -- no way to stop it."

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets."

"What's the quality of the text? 'Text is printed on high-quality paper.'"

"The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."

"Problems sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential Exam material."

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."

[Saddle Bronc 124]

All of these ones I found accurate.

...

"Textbook is confusing...someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."

"Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoken in another? That's the way I felt all term."

"This class was a religious experience for me... I had to take it all on faith."

"The recitation instructor would make a good parking-lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."

...

"I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes that I used while doing the problem sets."

...

"He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."