How this story turned out for American man and Russian woman

[Phil N 4]

I wanted people to know how things turned out, so I'm going to summarize and keep it brief and to the point as best I can. I think it's relevant FROM AN IMMIGRATION STANDPOINT, because WHAT THE HECK DO YOU, AS A US CITIZEN, DO WHEN ALL HECK BREAKS LOOSE AFTER YOU'VE BROUGHT YOUR FIANCEE OVER? I mean, most of the VJ people have the happy experience of getting married and living happily ever after. In my case, things went very bad within the first 30 days, and it created a very awkward and ugly situation. Yes, it was a huge mistake to bring my fiancee over in the first place, but that's been covered quite a bit in the other thread.

Well, it started in this thread, and things seem to have run their course.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/319747-has-this-story-ever-turned-out-well-for-american-man-and-russian-woman/

The moderators here at VJ didn't like the drama it created when my ex-fiancee and her American friend started posting their nasty (and mostly false) account of events in that thread, saying awful things about me, etc. Myself, I didn't mind at all. In fact, I rather liked it, because it showed a very different, contrasting point of view, that people could judge for themselves. She claimed she had been held prisoner and "trafficked" among other things. Not exactly claims that stood up to any level of scrutiny.

A quick summary, so you don't have to cope with the 26 pages of the other thread, if you are new to this mess:

1) Fiancee and 15 year old daughter arrived in early July, just after July 4. They are from a location near Odessa, Ukraine. In the interest of some degree of privacy, I am not naming the exact city, but for most intents and purposes, my fiancee and her daughter are primarily Russian/Ukrainian.

2) After 2 days, baffling fights, and my fiancee saying she would go to the police and demand her rights, my fiancee decided she would sleep in her daughter's room instead of with me, until we were married.

3) Fiancee, who is fluent in English and worked as an English/Russian interpreter and translator, began a habit of cursing at me in Russian in front of her daughter whenever I displeased her. She had wild mood swings and also was prone to hitting and physical violence. I told her not OK. She sort of listened and partially observed this limit, for a while, anyway. I managed to video-record a few minutes of her Russian tirades, using my smartphone camera. Not that it did much good, since I don't speak Russian.

4) I was not OK with this. It felt like fiancee was trying to use rationing of affection and intimacy to pressure me into marrying her quickly, and was not acting like a wife-to-be who loved her husband. I had read other threads on message boards where the woman did this, and I couldn't remember any that had a happy ending for the man.

5) I asked for help on VJ forums. People suggested my fiancee was bipolar. I looked. She didn't fit bipolar. I ran across info on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) in my searching. BPD seemed to accurately describe her behavior and way of being.

6) Most on VJ urged me to run, don't walk, away from this relationship. I tried to learn everything I could about BPD and see if the relationship could still be made to work.

7) Things continued to go mostly badly with the fiancee, with a few good points here and there. But it was clear she and I lived in different realities.

8) I confronted my fiancee with my concerns involving BPD, and asked her to get an assessment, and then participate in any recommendations that came out of that. My fiancee decided that I was the one with BPD, and that she would only get an assessment if I first did. Then she decided she would agree to get assessed for BPD promptly AFTER we were married.

9) I began seeing a previous girlfriend. Yes, go ahead and bash me. I was a bad boy, and my fiancee was not sleeping in the same room, not keeping USA hours, not speaking to me in English for days at a time.

10) Things became unsalvageable. While we were driving on freeway at 60mph, returning from visiting her girlfriend who married an American man, fiancee grabbed and yanked steering wheel, endangering my life and life of her 15 year old daughter. Fiancee saw nothing wrong with her actions and blamed me as the cause, I made her angry, as she was convinced I "hated her friends". Fiancee told me she was not ready to go back to her country, I should not change the tickets to earlier, and she would not go back unless I gave her a lot of money.

11) I realized the situation had become very dangerous to me, from assorted threats and violent behaviors by fiancee, to concerns about being set up for false allegations by fiancee. Finally, the previous girlfriend came to my house, and I took the next day off from work and got a domestic violence restraining order. I had my fiancee removed from my house by police, and arranged accommodations for her and her daughter at a local hotel.

12) Fiancee disappeared from hotel after two days, and her friends disavowed all knowledge of her whereabouts. I had no idea where she (they) were and who was taking care of them.

13) Two weeks later, fiancee shows up in family court to fight the restraining order, with coaching from those friends, at least the man, for whom she had worked as an interpreter back in her country. There was a contentious 45-minute contested hearing in family court. I prevailed, there was a finding of domestic violence against my fiancee, and the restraining order was made permanent, at least through her scheduled departure date of early October.

14) Fiancee's American friend acknowledged he had been taking care of her the whole time, and his earlier statements disavowing all knowledge were untrue. He demanded that I pay him money for my (ex) fiancee's living expenses between time of restraining order and her return flight in early October.

OK, so that's a summary of where it left off. Here's what happened afterwards:

THE FINAL CHAPTERS

1) I did not send money to her American friend. After reflecting on the lies, and his overall behavior, and my own challenges of two daughters in college and their Fall school startup expenses, I decided he could pay for his own effort at chivalry, and for their own nice vacation time together. Besides, when my ex-fiancee gives him credit for his generosity, it will truly be his.

2) After about a month of being gone and out of my house, I got a call from the county sheriff's department. It was from their lead sex crimes investigator. They wanted to talk to me about allegations my ex-fiancee had made against me. She had alleged that I had kept her and her daughter prisoner in my house, and that I had forced myself on her non-consensually, aka "rape". The allegations were, of course, desperate lies, some sort of Hail-Mary pass, possibly angling for a "U' or "T" visa for crime victims or trafficking victims. Or possibly just spiteful to try to damage me and cause me expense and difficulty.

3) I obtained some translations of Russian phrases my ex-fiancee had said, from the few minutes of video I had taken out of hours of her apparently cursing at me in Russian. She was saying some very unkind things to me. A few excerpts are below. Her performance in these videos would have been very problematic to a prosecutor trying to paint her as a sweet, innocent sympathetic victim and me as an evil villain.

4) A few days later, I met with the sex crimes detective, and gave him the best briefing I could on the situation and the events. Many advised me to have an attorney present with me. I didn't, as I believed I could handle myself. The allegations of being "imprisoned" that she described, the detective had already told her were not crimes. In other words, me failing to provide 24x7 taxi service to a fiancee who was still operating on Ukraine time, rising at 1pm, to bed at 3 am, did not rise to the level of a crime. The allegations boiled down to one specific morning, about 2 weeks before I got the restraining order and had her removed, where she was very belatedly alleging that she said "no" and I proceeded anyway. Absent physical evidence, corroborating witnesses, etc., it was a he-said, she-said case. The detective said he would forward his report to the county prosecutor for a charging decision.

5) I supplied the detective with additional information about witness credibility problems the state would have at trial, if they charged me. I heard no feedback from the detective, and also did not hear anything from the county prosecutor.

6) The return date of my ex-fiancee's ticket arrived, which was also the 90th day of her K-1 visa. When I called the airlines, they confirmed that she and her daughter had boarded the scheduled flight. So, assuming they continued with their itinerary, they are safely back home, on the other side of the world. I am assuming this also ends any possibility of charges being brought.

First, obviously, thank God I didn't marry her. Imagine what I would have been in for. And the VAWA and DV machinery that would have been used against me. I also learned that, had I married her, even briefly, I probably would have been ordered to pay large sums of spousal support to her for up to a year or more even if I quickly divorced her. A man with a similar don't-touch-me-marry-me-immediately story, who gave in and married his fiancee quickly, was ordered by California family courts to pay her about $3,000 per month for the foreseeable future.

For my part, I am very glad I chose to obtain the Domestic Violence restraining order. As she said numerous times to me, in between making throat-slashing motions towards me, "You have NO IDEA what I am capable of!" I may have only been a day or two away from her executing a plan to set me up but good for some false allegations. False allegations are certainly one form of domestic violence that is under-recognized, but just as awful as physical violence, and with very life-damaging consequences to the falsely accused. Several VJ posters advised me to get her out of the house, and that her next step, the next play in the playbook, would in fact be to try to set me up this way. As much as I didn't want to believe this about her, they were right.

Day 11 video translation, excerpts. Note that her 15 year old daughter was present for all of these tirades, and understood everything mama was saying. That is some very interesting parenting. Below are what the things she said in Russian translate to, in English.

"seems like somethings wrong in the head, Your mental, somethings not okay with u. what care? look at ur self in the mirror.. look how u act. look hes mental, did no one respect you, mom and dad probably didnt love you. whats ok? look how u act. who needs u? you pushed me to the edge, i cant see you anymore, i cant see you,understand? i cant see you i cant speak english with you. you pisz me off. a little bit, a little bit, i dont give a f--, you wont be able to pick up ur pieces with ur asz. "

"Too bad don’t have anything to f-- you other way I would to. "

"That emotional state that you drive me today is a nothing compare to what I’m capable for. You will “fly” in an apartments like a ball... I will be kicking you off all walls, f---."

"I want you to go and shoot yourself, f---. I hate you so much. If you just knew how much I hate you. And even if you saying that you don’t understand what I’m saying – you should feel hate I feel to you, without words. Understand? Capisce? "

I'm not necessarily looking for any advice or comments here. I simply wanted people on VJ, and other places I have posted about this whole episode, to know how things ended. I don't claim that I was blameless or perfect. I believe my fiancee has BPD. It's really a moot point, because what's important is that we were living in different, and incompatible, realities.

I would be fine with it if VJ moderators immediately locked this thread. The immigration-related issue here, is how did this all end. I wanted people to know what happened next, after she was removed from my house with a restraining order, and that now, apparently, the final chapter has been written, with her return to her home country.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

Honestly,after you trying to find answers in the form of a mental illness and labeling her as bipolar and bringing another woman into your house,I doubt anyone even cares

[tom&tanya 48]

Phil, please stop subjecting us to your ridiculous nonsense.

[Ban Hammer 13,352]

thread closed for tos violation - previous thread closed for tos violation and warning issued not to restart the thread.