vawa

[thelastpetitioner 218]

Really?

Uninsured with pre-existing condition. That's gonna cause her a problem getting new coverage.

She should look into Medicaid or it's equivalent when you live. With a chronic illiness and no insurance she should qualify.

Oh and FWIW, controlling someone with the threat of withholding immigration benefits is considered a form of mental abuse.

You know im tired of men being so damn inconsiderate.all op is worried about right now is his green card instead of his sick wife.that is inconsiderate and to be honest gets no sympathy.

He doesn't need her to get his beloved green card so why not just cut the misery and bullshit?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

You know im tired of men being so damn inconsiderate.all op is worried about right now is his green card instead of his sick wife.that is inconsiderate and to be honest gets no sympathy.

He doesn't need her to get his beloved green card so why not just cut the misery and bullshit?

You know, I'm tired of the constant double standard...

First, we don't know the whole story...

Second, my post was a simple statement of fact...

If a man brings a woman here on K-1, marries her and uses the promise of AOS as a method of control almost everyone would vilify him.

Sure it's sad that the OP's wife has cancer but that DOES NOT GIVE HER FREE REIGN TO ABUSE HIM...

It's not his fault she doesn't have medical insurance. She chose to marry him and her father chose to drop her as a result.

Edited October 10, 2011 by Bob 4 Anna

[thelastpetitioner 218]

You know, I'm tired of the constant double standard...

First, we don't know the whole story...

Second, my post was a simple statement of fact...

If a man brings a woman here on K-1, marries her and uses the promise of AOS as a method of control almost everyone would vilify him.

Sure it's sad that the OP's wife has cancer but that DOES NOT GIVE HER FREE REIGN TO ABUSE HIM...

It's not his fault she doesn't have medical insurance. She chose to marry him and her father chose to drop her as a result.

I wasn't talking about you being inconsiderate it's the op and his whining about how his wife quit her job and makes him pay for everything and blahb lah blah that bothers me.

Minus all the visa and green card ###### he is going through, he is in a (hopefully ) legit relationship.if the wife doesn't wanna work considering her situation she shouldn't have to. OP's argument is invalid. What is his ground for abuse? His wife not wNting to go through with the green card?is that what he is going to tell USCIS?there'd are two sides to each story and I dying to hear his wife's

[VanessaTony 3,567]

You know, I'm tired of the constant double standard...

First, we don't know the whole story...

Second, my post was a simple statement of fact...

If a man brings a woman here on K-1, marries her and uses the promise of AOS as a method of control almost everyone would vilify him.

Sure it's sad that the OP's wife has cancer but that DOES NOT GIVE HER FREE REIGN TO ABUSE HIM...

It's not his fault she doesn't have medical insurance. She chose to marry him and her father chose to drop her as a result.

I guess I'm in the minority that WOULDN'T vilify him. I would say the K1 obviously just wants a GC, he knows that and is using it against her (you could say SHE'S being abusive by only marrying him for a GC), and she should leave. Simple. You're supposed to marry for love, not benefit. It's obvious the OP wants the GC and, once he gets it, will run screaming for the hills while he leaves his wife (probably soon ex-wife) to wither away and die, being (likely) unable to work due to her illness (if not yet, eventually) and unable to get insurance.

If he wants to try it there's nothing stopping him, but I don't think it's abuse and I think once they (USCIS) realise that he's abandoning his USC wife after she was diagnosed with cancer and unable to financially support his AOS, they'll see it for the scam it is. Probably more worried she's gunna die before he gets his GC than he is that she's dying at all

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

If he wants to try it there's nothing stopping him, but I don't think it's abuse and I think once they (USCIS) realise that he's abandoning his USC wife after she was diagnosed with cancer and unable to financially support his AOS, they'll see it for the scam it is. Probably more worried she's gunna die before he gets his GC than he is that she's dying at all

We really shouldn't be making assumptions either way now should we?

How many close relatives have you watched die from Cancer?

We lost my Step mother a few years ago, it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I had it easy (relatively speaking) because I lived over a 1,000 miles away but my step brother (her oldest son) was in the middle of it. My father (living in the same house as her) simply couldn't handle it so he shut down. Two people who loved her and were right there reacted differently: my Dad took flight, my Brother took-up the fight...

My step mother also didn't get angry at anyone for her situation. She never said a cross word about my Dad despite his inability to really be there for her when she really needed him.

[Germanimmigrant 12]

Ok, the original poster suspects that his wife is "bipolar." I do wonder if this is just a home-spun assessment that he has impressed on her or if there is really evidence to said claim. If it were real, then yes, this would make a relationship very hard to endure. I assume, though, that most people who call others "bipolar" do so as to put a label of insanity on someone without actually knowing what the symptoms of bipolar disorder are. They have picked up such labels from consuming popular media and are familiar with terms such as depression or bipolar or other disorders. Upon encountering behavior that they classify as not normal, they then pick a term that they think represents best what they have observed.

I have a friend who is bipolar, and the illness is complex to say the least. If the original poster has been with his now wife for about 17 months altogether (that was his claim) he would have certainly observed the swing from the manic to the depressive episode every couple of months or so. Claiming now that she is "bipolar" seems far-fetched to me...

I wonder if this is the wife's cry for help in a desperate situation. As a husband, one would have to take care of one's wife. After all, that's the promise upon entering marriage. It's not just a piece of paper that enables the OP to draw immigration benefits but it comes with real responsibilities.

I don't want to play to pretend to be a moral prig and a paragon of virtue. I have my flaws, too. However, this story seems highly suspicious to me. I cannot see a tangible claim of abuse.

Ok, the original poster suspects that his wife is "bipolar." I do wonder if this is just a home-spun assessment that he has impressed on her or if there is really evidence to said claim. If it were real, then yes, this would make a relationship very hard to endure. I assume, though, that most people who call others "bipolar" do so as to put a label of insanity on someone without actually knowing what the symptoms of bipolar disorder are. They have picked up such labels from consuming popular media and are familiar with terms such as depression or bipolar or other disorders. Upon encountering behavior that they classify as not normal, they then pick a term that they think represents best what they have observed.

I have a friend who is bipolar, and the illness is complex to say the least. If the original poster has been with his now wife for about 17 months altogether (that was his claim) he would have certainly observed the swing from the manic to the depressive episode every couple of months or so. Claiming now that she is "bipolar" seems far-fetched to me...

I wonder if this is the wife's cry for help in a desperate situation. As a husband, one would have to take care of one's wife. After all, that's the promise upon entering marriage. It's not just a piece of paper that enables the OP to draw immigration benefits but it comes with real responsibilities.

I don't want to pretend to be a moral prig and a paragon of virtue. I have my flaws, too. However, this story seems highly suspicious to me. I cannot see a tangible claim of abuse.

[Miss smarty pants 84]

Me either.

[thelastpetitioner 218]

We really shouldn't be making assumptions either way now should we?

How many close relatives have you watched die from Cancer?

We lost my Step mother a few years ago, it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I had it easy (relatively speaking) because I lived over a 1,000 miles away but my step brother (her oldest son) was in the middle of it. My father (living in the same house as her) simply couldn't handle it so he shut down. Two people who loved her and were right there reacted differently: my Dad took flight, my Brother took-up the fight...

My step mother also didn't get angry at anyone for her situation. She never said a cross word about my Dad despite his inability to really be there for her when she really needed him.

You know what really chaps my ####### about you or any other regular defending this guy?

You have been on this website for a long long time,we give people like OP's wife advice all the time. People who just wanna send their spouse "back". The petitioner in this case simply doesn't wanna go through with the AOS anymore, what's the big deal?

I have lost both family and friends to cancer, but as a young woman I can't even imagine the pain and misery OP's wife must be feeling. I think we can both agree that people handle disasters Differently, but to be young, have to deal with a failing marriage AND have to deal with an illness that challenges you and your femininity as a woman, it's just too much.

[james&olya 1,121]

She should look into Medicaid or it's equivalent when you live.

In some states Medicaid is near worthless already and with republican efforts to cut 'entitlements' it is due to get a lot worse.

[M.Add 5]

i have seen an attorney she think that i do have a case but i m still confuse about vawa i need to make sure that i do have a strong case before i file for it

WOW!!!

Sorry but this is a bunch of BS!!! You had the time to contact a lawyer but you didn't have the time to call the AMERICAN CANCER SOCIETY on behalf of your WIFE!!!

Dude!!! She has CANCER!!! without treatment she is DEAD!!! You scram ABUSE because she is blackmailing you with INS papers and because she was rude to your sister? Again BS!!! She is not MANIC~DEPRESSIVE but just a woman scared out of her mind, facing her own death! Put yourself in her shoes! Yould you be all kissy kissy if you were the one about to see your maker in a matter of time?

If i was her, i would be the one to SCREAM ABUSE because my dear husband doesn't give a ####### about me, and by the way he is acting I would also think about calling ICE and report our marriage as FRAUD before i DIE!!!

I had more pitty for my dog when she pulled a muscle, than you have for your spouse. The puppy was supposed to take 1 tiny pill/ day for a week and i was ready to send my husband and kids on that expensive vacation that we planed for 3 years just to be there for my pet when she was in pain! My neighbors convinced me to go but i drove them nutts by calling 10 times a day to check on my "baby". All i wanted was to be back home to hold her tight in my arms and hope my love and affection would ease her pain!

I have some rhetorical questions for you!

If you married her for love and she was the ONE. What good is that GC when she is long gone?

What are your plans in the US, because i don't think you want that GC to go visit you wife's GRAVE and cry at her HEADSTONE!!!

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

You know what really chaps my ####### about you or any other regular defending this guy?

You have been on this website for a long long time,we give people like OP's wife advice all the time. People who just wanna send their spouse "back". The petitioner in this case simply doesn't wanna go through with the AOS anymore, what's the big deal?

I have lost both family and friends to cancer, but as a young woman I can't even imagine the pain and misery OP's wife must be feeling. I think we can both agree that people handle disasters Differently, but to be young, have to deal with a failing marriage AND have to deal with an illness that challenges you and your femininity as a woman, it's just too much.

You know what chaps my ####### about you? You're apparently the Queen of Assumptions... Show once where I have directly defended the OP?

I have simply railed against double standards but in your man-hating blind obsession to vilify anyone who doesn't agree with you (or would state that there might be another side to the story) you now seek to vilify me as defending the horrible man who should be above the effects of the changes in his life & relationship.

Don't read any of my posts as directly defending the OP, none of us know the whole story. I'm just saying look past your own preconceived notions...

I really like how you seem to think that the OP's wife is the only one in the relationship who is dealing with the cancer. How about being the other half of the relationship? He would also be dealing with being young, having a failing marriage AND having to watch someone he loves stare death in face knowing that he is powerless to help her which severely challenges any man's masculinity but I guess that would never be too much for a man to deal with now would it? Therein lies the double standard that you are defending.

People handle things differently, she's having a hard time handling her situation and blames him for it. Maybe he hasn't done the best job of explaining his situation and he comes off as less sensitive than he really is about the subject (after all English may not be his first language).

If you take this quote from the OP at face value:

now the situation is that she has quit her job she makes me pay all the bills and rent plus i have to give her money for her personal expenses. if i dont she hold threat of withdrawing i 130 and get me deported

His wife has not simply changed her mind, she is now using the pending AOS Case as a tool to control him. That is simply wrong, having Cancer doesn't excuse bad behavior. If she doesn't want him anymore then she should leave him and drop her support for the Pending AOS Case PERIOD...

As I said my Step Mom never once during the last few years of her life treated anyone around her with anything less than dignity & respect. I hope that if I'm ever in that situation I can follow her example.

Let's assume that he has told the story accurately:

suddenly my wife's behavior started to change towards me . she was diagnosed with ovary cancer just after we got married but she can not afford a treatment because she was covered by her father's health insurance and she was excluded from it because of her marriage to me. she started to blaming me for every thing she has been going through and started treating me badly cursing yelling at me calling me names infront of my family and friends

The OP came here on a student Visa, he has been working towards building a life here. I'm not offended that he wants to remain here.

His wife's behavior has changed, if she didn't have cancer then everyone would be telling him it's horrible that she's changed so drastically and is blaming him for her father's choice to be a jerk and drop her from his insurance. If he was in it for the Greencard then the smart thing for him to do would be just keep his head down and shut-up for a few months until he gets approved then he doesn't need her anymore. How difficult would it be for him to play the caring doting husband for a few months knowing that once he has the Greencard in hand he can walk out the door and never look back?

I'll say it again: HAVING CANCER DOESN'T EXCUSE ONE'S NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR.

Edited October 12, 2011 by Bob 4 Anna

[M.Add 5]

I'll say it again: HAVING CANCER DOESN'T EXCUSE ONE'S NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR.

In my opinion you are right and wrong at the same time.

I read this post earlier and out of impulse i posted a harsh comment. I couldn't get this "story" out of my head and i came back to read the OP's initial post. When i've seen your "HAVING CANCER DOESN'T EXCUSE ONE'S NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR" i realized why i couldn't wrap my mind around this sad situation. I could see his "negative behavior" and you were pointing out hers. The magic word for both our initial opinions is CANCER...

Now, let me tell you why i said you are right and wrong (and why we are all wrong by taking sides)

This woman and this man, both, know there is a treatment for her condition. There can be hope one day she will be cancer free, but this treatment is not available to her due to the circumstances. The only option left for her is death.

So, in a few words, right now, both of them are going through THE STAGES OF GRIEF. I will give you the examples for the 5 stages in the OP's own words. Keep in mind that the stages are not always in this speciffic order, the person might not even know at the time he/she is in one of these stages and the time to go to the next stage is different from person to person !

For HER:

1. Denial and Isolation - This is the first wave of pain as a terminal illness patient (Denial - "she can not afford a treatment cz she was covered by her father's health insurance and she was excluded from it cz of her marriage to me"; Isolation - "my wife did not even let her in the house you know why .. just because she doesn't like the way my sister was dressed up"

2. Anger - she is resenting him for causing her the pain ( See the Denial stage + "started treating me badly cursing yelling at me calling me names infront of my family and friends.")

3. Bargaining - She needs to get control of the situation, but since she can't control her cancer she is trying to control her husband. ("she makes me pay all the bills and rent plus i have to give her money for her perseonal expenses . if i dont she hold threat of withdrawing i 130 and get me deported since illegal immigration law has been passed in alabama")

4. Depression (See stage Isolation + "she has quit her job")

5. Acceptance (She is not there yet and I hope she will never reach this stage. In my opinion i would seek treatment, go in debt and face bankruptcy than know i will die).

For Him:

1. Denial and Isolation - the " i will be fine stage" - (Denial - "i perseonally think she is suffering from a bipolar disorder" .(making excusses for her behavior); Isolation (from her) " now a friend told me about vawa self petition")

2. Anger - (" this marriage is so over i can not be with this woman any more .. if my vawa approved or not if i get deported or not i am over with this thing.")

3. Bargaining - it might sound a little bit of a streach but bargaining stage = the big "IF" - ( "she was diagnosed with ovary cancer"... "she was covered by her father's health insurance"..."she was excluded from it cz of her marriage to me"..." vawa self petition can be my way out of this " )

4. Depression: (" i have been going through a lot of stress and anxiety"... "and letter from my therapist")

5. Acceptance - Not there yet, either.But he is trying to "run" away from pain.

PS... OP...Sit down with your wife and have a discution about eachother's feelings when it comes to her illness. Try to find some options. I (finally) understand your anger but the last thing she needs right now is to loose you, too! ... And... one day, when all your anger is gone, you don't want to wake up each morning asking yourself "what if"...

Take care....

[thelastpetitioner 218]

I tried to qoute you bob,but I couldn't,this damn iPad.

Anyways. You know what the beauty of the immigration system is? The beneficiary is just as important as the petitioner.if this guy cared even one single bit for his wife, he would get a divorce, file for his AOS on his own without depending on the wife. If he is as honest and clean as he claims to be, he will have no problem proving entering the marriage in good faith.

Let's all just say the wife is a ######, cancer free or not. That is not enough to get vawa approved. Plain and simple. He has a chance to save his dignity and pride and get out of the relationship and get his green card. There are other ways but vawa, which means e lawyer is full of it as well.

As to if he was a scammed he would shut up and go on for a couple of months, scammers aren't always as smart as one would think they are. The idea of a green card or living in the states is enough for some of them to get themselves into something they don't even understand.

I'm not even gonna get into the cancer aspect of all this with you, because you keep bringing up your step mother god bless her soul, but like I said, people handle things differently. I doubt your step mother and OP's wife are the same age, from the same state or same type of family.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

In my opinion you are right and wrong at the same time.

I read this post earlier and out of impulse i posted a harsh comment. I couldn't get this "story" out of my head and i came back to read the OP's initial post. When i've seen your "HAVING CANCER DOESN'T EXCUSE ONE'S NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR" i realized why i couldn't wrap my mind around this sad situation. I could see his "negative behavior" and you were pointing out hers. The magic word for both our initial opinions is CANCER...

::Snipped a lot::

PS... OP...Sit down with your wife and have a discution about eachother's feelings when it comes to her illness. Try to find some options. I (finally) understand your anger but the last thing she needs right now is to loose you, too! ... And... one day, when all your anger is gone, you don't want to wake up each morning asking yourself "what if"...

The only thing I'm going to disagree with you on is the impression that I was giving his negative behavior a pass. There really was no need for me to point it out as several others have done a good enough job beating him up over it.

I was simply saying "Look at this also", not once did I say "Ignore his reaction".

Anyways. You know what the beauty of the immigration system is? The beneficiary is just as important as the petitioner.if this guy cared even one single bit for his wife, he would get a divorce, file for his AOS on his own without depending on the wife. If he is as honest and clean as he claims to be, he will have no problem proving entering the marriage in good faith.

Let's all just say the wife is a ######, cancer free or not. That is not enough to get vawa approved. Plain and simple. He has a chance to save his dignity and pride and get out of the relationship and get his green card. There are other ways but vawa, which means the lawyer is full of it as well.

As to if he was a scammer he would shut up and go on for a couple of months, scammers aren't always as smart as one would think they are. The idea of a green card or living in the states is enough for some of them to get themselves into something they don't even understand.

I'm not even gonna get into the cancer aspect of all this with you, because you keep bringing up your step mother god bless her soul, but like I said, people handle things differently. I doubt your step mother and OP's wife are the same age, from the same state or same type of family.

Just to point out a logical fallacy in your statement here: Without being married to a US Citizen he doesn't have a path to AOS. If he already had Adjusted Status then he could divorce and ROC without her support.

Further, I never defended his character or said he's "as honest & clean as he claims to be". If he cares for his wife then he'll find a way to endure & be supportive of her as she fights the most important battle of her life. Unfortunately not everyone is strong enough to do that regardless of how much they love their spouse.

I'll agree that not all scammers are smart enough to game the system properly but most of them do seem to have enough resources to stumble through it. I just don't think there's enough of either side of the story to jump to the conclusions that many have in the thread.

Regarding the VAWA, nowhere did I say that he has enough to be successful. What I did say is that using the threat of withholding immigration benefits is just as much a form of mental abuse as other forms and it has been accepted as such by USCIS. I've seen it in threads right here on VJ. Granted I doubt it is the only form of abuse those immigrants suffered but it is one of them.

Finally, this young man has been living in the US for a while now (I'll assume) as he's here as a student. If he was marrying just for a Greencard he could have probably found someone who had a family that didn't mind the marriage to make his scam less stressful. I know that flies in the face of your theory that this guy is an idiot despite his college education.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH INFORMATION TO SUPPORT THE WILD ASSUMPTIONS & CONCLUSIONS THAT ARE BEING REPEATED IN THE THREAD. Respond to that statement please...

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I just want to add this link for those who think using the threat of denying immigration benefits/holding the threat of deportation over your alien spouse's head isn't considered emotional abuse:

A thread where the OP reports his estranged wife AOSed through VAWA for emotional abuse based on threat of deportation.