Hilarious Jon Stewart segment on Mitt Romney (transcript only, no video)

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So as Republicans absorb the disappointment that Christie is really, truly, unequivocally, probably not running, and Republicans continue checking underneath every available flag pin and Bible for viable candidates, presumed de facto frontrunner candidate Mitt Romney's gotta be thinking, "What the fudge? This is starting to hurt where my feelings should be."

I mean, Romney has been running for President since 2007. Romney's the former governor of the state where the actual Tea Party happened. He's the son of a popular midwestern governor. He's rich. He looks like a guy you'd cast as the President in a movie, and not a movie where the President is corrupt or an asteroid is about to hit the earth, but more of a light-hearted President Dad-type movie, where he commands an army but can't connect with his kids.

I mean, the only obstacle to Mitt Romney winning next year's Republican nomination is that up until very, very recently, he was the antithesis of everything Republicans stand for.

MITT ROMNEY (10/25/1994): Look, I was an independent during the time of Reagan/Bush. I'm not trying to return to Reagan/Bush.

MITT ROMNEY (10/29/2002): I do not take the position of a pro-life candidate. I'm in favor of preserving and protecting a woman's right to choose.

To be fair to Romney, at that time he did believe very deeply in his heart that he wanted to be elected Governor of Massachusetts. But now it's 2011. He's not an irresponsible kid in his mid-50s anymore. He's matured and learned an important lesson about wanting to be elected President. Yes, Mitt Romney has a little bit of a problem, and that to win the Republican nomination, he has to convince Republican voters he's not actually Mitt Romney.

10/2/2011:

MITT ROMNEY: My view is that the Supreme Court should reverse Roe v. Wade.

...

MIKE HUCKABEE: Would you have supported the Constitutional amendment that would have established the definition of life at conception?

MITT ROMNEY: Absolutely.

....

MITT ROMNEY: I am pro-life.

Yeah, I'm pro-life, as in, "Hey, I lied before, that's life." How hard will his task be? Here's Romney's 2003 State of the State address as Governor of Massachusetts, in which he promised:

MITT ROMNEY (2/25/2003): "We'll plug corporate tax loopholes so companies will pay their fair share."

Unfortunately, we don't have that quote on video. But we found a nearly identical sentiment.

BARACK OBAMA (9/22/2011): Let's close those loopholes, let's eliminate those tax breaks, and let's make sure that everybody's paying their fair share.

I can't believe Mitt Romney's a socialist Muslim Kenyan!

MITT ROMNEY (8/11/2011): In my opinion, a loophole is when someone takes advantage of a tax law in a way that wasn't intended by the legislation. ... But, there are a lot of people who use the word "loophole" to say let's just raise taxes on people, and that I will not do. I will not raise taxes!

Holy chit, I think he just found a loophole to get around the word "loophole"! And not only does Romney have to disavow his positions, as former Governor and veteran of two other unsuccessful political campaigns for Senate and President, also has to disavow his chosen vocation.

9/28/2011:

CHILD: I was wondering what you would tell my class that would make us want to be a politician.

....

MITT ROMNEY: She would ask me what I would tell her classmates to encourage them to become a politician. And the answer is nothing. Don't do it. Run. Run as far as you can.

(in Romney impression) "Run as far as you can. You see, I'm no good, kid. I'm a bad man. You don't want to be like me. Politics. It's dirty."

Actually, Romney's just telling those kids not to go into politics, because he knows if they did, they'd be the new Republican frontrunners.

See, Romney's not a moderate pro-choice wealth-redistributing corporate-loophole-closing career politician. He's a Tea Party pro-life outsider! And there's one other thing this quarter of a billionaire wants you to know before you vote for him.

MITT ROMNEY (9/21/2011): We oughta provide help to the people who've been hurt most by the Obama economy. And that's the middle class. ... It's for the great middle class, the 80-90% of us in this country.

Who you callin' "us"? I'm not even middle class! The transformation is complete! Where in the world, Mitt Romney, are you middle class? You're not middle class at a reunion of your Harvard Business School colleagues. You wouldn't be middle class at an OPEC meeting.

But I guess it's nice to know, even if Republican voters know who the real Mitt Romney is, Mitt Romney doesn't.

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/10/05/1022962/-This-Jon-Stewart-clip-will-destroy-Mitt-Romneys-campaign

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Another reason to support Cain. The mainstream media will be afraid to criticize him.

[The_Dude 1,142]

Perry has the same problem. He was a centrist in the 80's and 90's before he became a teabagger.