sending money to the family back in the phils

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Appreciation or lack of it, has been a point of contention with me on several occasions. I actually think I'm at fault for expecting it but it's a hard habit to break.

I don't know if it's common to show a lot of appreciation for gifts in The Philippines. Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. I know my wife has reminded her little brothers and sister and even her mother to say thank you (salamat) each time they received something from us. Maybe the custom varies depending on location.

In the US we are trained from a young age to say please and thank you for every little thing no matter how trivial. We say thank you for someone holding a door an extra second, thank you for a cashier handing us a receipt, etc. etc. I'm fairly certain that isn't the tradition in Phils.

Is it possible that some people might be saving face by not acting grateful? I've never really discussed it much with Jena.

Kev,

My Philippine family never hesitates to express appreciation. From Mom and Dad to the nephews and nieces, the word "Salamat" is never left unsaid. Just as in the US, etiquette is taught from parents to child. My wife's parents lead by example and have taught their children strength is demonstrated through humility.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Appreciation or lack of it, has been a point of contention with me on several occasions. I actually think I'm at fault for expecting it but it's a hard habit to break.

I don't know if it's common to show a lot of appreciation for gifts in The Philippines. Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. I know my wife has reminded her little brothers and sister and even her mother to say thank you (salamat) each time they received something from us. Maybe the custom varies depending on location.

In the US we are trained from a young age to say please and thank you for every little thing no matter how trivial. We say thank you for someone holding a door an extra second, thank you for a cashier handing us a receipt, etc. etc. I'm fairly certain that isn't the tradition in Phils.

Is it possible that some people might be saving face by not acting grateful? I've never really discussed it much with Jena.

I think no matter where people come from whether from Asia, Europe, United States, or any other places that have ever been existed on the earth the feel of gratitude or grateful take a first step in the small community, the family. My family teach me to show respect to olders , love and care to younger ones since I was a little girl. Feel gratitude or appreciation been taught when we were a child.

When an office boy at my work open the door for me, I would say thank you, even maybe some people thinking it is lower job. When my fiance took a water from refrigerator and gave to me, I say thank you or house keeping woman at hotel where my fiance and I stayed for vacation cleaning our room hotel, we always say thank you after did her job.

They are all human being just like us. Feel gratitude for what we have most important and share the happiness is another reason why human is the animal with the highest intelligence. So, it is not a culture or tradition or custom or whatever people put named on it. I would say, It is a part of emotional quation of people. It is a part of family values.

No, never value people for what your eyes seeing in that person. Or not let people value you by money that you have. My fiance sent me the story that touching me.... We can take a lesson from this. http://www.homeofher..._10lessons.html

Edited October 6, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[dirtsquirter 7]

While I agree with most of what you say. The part bolded and underlined disturbs me. No one in my extended filipino family has ever asked me for a dime, (or peso). They work hard and save every available peso to put their kids through college. To say spending all you have is filipino mentality is just flat wrong. I send money every month to my step daughter to help with her college, while she works full time at a call center and goes to college full time. Over generalizations will get you every time.

Well, while I really hate to "disturb" you, almost every foreigner I know here has problems with their extended filipino family wanting more money than they give. I should have clarified my statement to read almost every filipino spends all they have. It's a very true statement, no matter if you believe me or not. I would have to say, after living here awhile, 8 out of 10 filipino's spend what they have, and usually have a credit account at the local sari sari. I know, your family is great, and so is mine, but the fact remains that most don't save, and if they have a steady stream coming from another country, why worry?? Life is good!

[R&W 5]

. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it's not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

How about make it $100 a month?

And tell your wife to talk to her family. They need to be grateful. If they can't.. just stop it all together.

I agree with some comments here that the "attitude" is more of a family values problem than of race.

Good luck to you bro.

[Tahoma 2,292]

@Oregon75...

You and your wife deserve some appreciation for your generosity. If the inlaws don't show any appreciation, then their bad manners should be pointed out to them.

Also, your wife needs to put her sister in her place.

How much do your parents-in-law earn per month?

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I should have clarified my statement to read almost every filipino spends all they have. It's a very true statement, no matter if you believe me or not. I would have to say, after living here awhile, 8 out of 10 filipino's spend what they have, and usually have a credit account at the local sari sari.

I think your statement either discounts or fails to acknowledge why that is the norm.

A vast majority of Filipinos simply don't have the kind of revenue streams we are used to. Their idea of saving for the future is investing in and taking care of their younger family members today as they will be depending on them for future support and care.

Just look at how they shop compared to how we shop.

In the Philippines Anna went to the market/store almost daily. She purchased soap, shampoo etc is single use sachets not because it was more convenient but because it was more affordable to buy 3 days worth of shampoo than to buy a whole bottle that would last a month (in the long run it really is more expensive but more on that later).

There a a few reasons for the shopping differences (I know this isn't a complete list but you get the idea).

• Their money flow is different it is earned in dribs & drabs so they spend it in dribs & drabs.
• Refrigerators are not nearly as common there as they are here.
• Locally produced fresh produce & veg is more easily obtained there.

So while their way of doing things may not make a lot of sense to us it is how they as a culture have adapted to their economic environment.

BTW, you should have seen the look on Anna's face the first time I took her to the warehouse store! Now she want's to keep the pantry (that's almost as large as her bedroom in the Philippines) fully stocked all the time but it took her a while to adjust to the idea of a big shopping trip every 2 or 3 weeks instead of a small one every day or 2.

[BJZags 17]

As I suggested,,, if you can afford it.

Many times your new wife was adding income to the larger family. Especially, if she was the eldest and educated. It is only

reasonable to think... With her leaving the Philippines, there will be a loss of income to the family. Again, if you can

afford it... replace the income -- keep the peace. In my wife's case,,, Educated as a nurse in the Philippines and now a

Nurse her in the USA. So,,, it is the least we can do.

Regards,

I think you are missing the point of my argument. The $300 a month "stipend" the OP is giving more than equals the ENTIRE salary of a nurse in the PHL. Already the family is receiving a windfall that would have been there but for marriage to a foreigner, so the family actually has a significant net gain, rather than loss from the daughter leaving the Philippines. The amount being sent is more than "fair" in light of the OP's circumstances.

[DouglasFiel 53]

I think you are missing the point of my argument. The $300 a month "stipend" the OP is giving more than equals the ENTIRE salary of a nurse in the PHL. Already the family is receiving a windfall that would have been there but for marriage to a foreigner, so the family actually has a significant net gain, rather than loss from the daughter leaving the Philippines. The amount being sent is more than "fair" in light of the OP's circumstances.

I do get the point the OP is being very generous. The standard of living for the family in the Philippines is being maintained or in this case exceeds

the standard before the marriage and subsequent immigration of the wife.

I also,,, think it is a discussion that the husband and wife need to have,,, regarding the level of support (if support is needed)... Is it to...

1. Maintain their current standard of living

2. Elevate their standard of living

3. Help them become self sustaining

So,,, for option 1,,, give them a fish,, option 2,,, give them two fish,, option 3,,, Buy them a fishing boat.

FYI,, that was a lame attempt at a joke...

Regards,

[MI.PI 7]

First and foremost, it should not be an obligation of any child to support the parents/family financially once they move out of the house and get married. I don’t understand why it has become an unspoken agreement in most cases that when a foreigner marries a Filipina, then the foreign husband is obligated to send money to the wife’s family back in the Philippines. I wonder who sets the expectation and/or give the wrong impression? Life is hard in the Philippines and it is good to help out IF you can, but it should never be implicitly imposed upon the couple. Just my opinion.

Anyhow, to the OP, you’re asking if you’re sending too much or too little, if it is fair or not. Honestly, there’s no such thing as too much or too little as far as money spending is concerned. It is how they spend what they have. If you give them more, then they’ll spend more, if you give them less, then they will have to learn to budget. They survived before you even met them, they’ll continue to survive without much help from you or your wife. As to being fair, it’s fair enough that you’re helping them and you deserve to be appreciated for this. I suggest you talk to your wife and let her handle this situation with her family. I am not saying you should not help them at all, but only do it to the extent that you can afford without sacrificing your own budget and comforts.

[rlogan 2,036]

Thank you for everyones response! To be honest, in our situation her parents dont seem too greedy, but the oldest sister living in Cebu is really the bad one who made the very rude comments to my wife about our contributions. Shes extremely controlling, unappreciative, and greedy and she doesnt even hold a job! She expects my wife (her sister) to make the family live in luxury over there now that my wife is in the USA. I know its not an easy life in the Philippines but at some point enough is enough.

People of bad character know very well that money does not grow on trees here and that she is an undeserving leech - so they go on the offensive by calling you cheap for "only" giving 13,000 pesos a month. The best lesson for this one is to cut her off completely.

Hopefully the family will understand and just be appreciative of what we are sending. Thats really all my wife and I want, just some appreciation!

The Filipino model is extended family RECIPROCITY, not one-way giving and one side always in the debt of the other. When it is extended family Filipino-to-Filipino, everyone is immediate neighbors. So uncles and nephews and aunts and nieces are helping each other back and forth. Anyone acting like a leech and doing nothing is ostracized from the family.

But when a daughter leaves for a foreign husband, the reciprocity can be understandably terminated by thousands of miles distance. They can't babysit your kids or work in your business or whatever - and you can fall into the habit of just sending them money with no management of its disbursement and nothing is done in return.

If communication is not clear and if it is not handled right, you can turn the family into professional con-men and thieves by rewarding bad behavior. The most important thing you have to learn is how to say "no". Say no, and say nothing else.

Edited October 7, 2011 by rlogan

[The Humanists 10]

is this like a typical thing?! i do not know, hence me asking..

marrying a fillipino, and then you have some kind of "understood" obligation to care for extended family back on the islands?!

I'm not an anthropologist, and I haven't made any scientific study about the Filipino culture, but I can answer that based on observations I've made from living here. And I've lived here my entire life. The answer is that it depends on the Filipino family's economic status. If the Filipino parents are poor, and they have to borrow money to send their kids to college, then after those kids have graduated and gotten jobs, they are expected to give back and help the family rise from poverty. I have actually heard Filipino parents say those exact words (in Tagalog); the reason they are sending their children - especially the older ones - to school is so their children can solve the family's financial problems. If you were the Filipino kid who saw the sacrifices your parents made to get you that precious degree, you would feel the need to "reimburse" your parents for all their troubles. You would probably feel it was mandatory on your part. Now, if you happened to go abroad, especially to a Western country, either to work or get married, your parents would naturally expect you to send more money than you could if you only had a local, rank-and-file job.

If the family's middle class, the situation may be different. Some middle class parents expect some kind of financial help when they get old, and they see this as a "thank you" for all the hard work they put into raising their children. Some don't. My family's middle class, and my parents have never asked me for a single peso. They've always told me that I can thank them for all their hard work - and the hell I put them through when I was younger - by making something of myself.

If you're the eldest child, then you'll often have more responsibilities than your younger siblings. Your younger siblings may not be expected to help out financially at all. My best friend's family is upper middle class, and her parents have their own business, but she still gives money to her parents because she's the oldest. From what I understand, her parents have never obligated her to give them money. She just feels the need to do it out of a sense of gratitude and responsibility.

We Filipinos never want to be called an "ingrate" by our parents. That's one of the most hurtful things your family can say to you. If you have parents who are expecting some kind of remittance after you leave to live and work in a first-world country, and you don't give them what they want, then they will definitely see you as an ingrate. It's not that they're evil or mean. It's just that in this culture, it's important to "look back at where you came from." If you don't, you'll be seen as an arrogant, selfish person who doesn't appreciate his or her roots.

If you're the USC, and your fiancée or wife has been helping out her parents financially her entire life, you'll probably cause a rift if the family dynamics change after she leaves for the US to marry you. To save yourself a lot of grief, you should tell your Filipina and her family from the get-go what you are and aren't willing to do.

[BJZags 17]

I also,,, think it is a discussion that the husband and wife need to have,,, regarding the level of support (if support is needed)... Is it to...

1. Maintain their current standard of living

2. Elevate their standard of living

3. Help them become self sustaining

#1 is relatively easy.

#3 from scanning the multitude of posts on this topic is hardly ever successful.

#2 can be scary because there is elevated, and then there's elevated.

[rlogan 2,036]

#3 from scanning the multitude of posts on this topic is hardly ever successful.

That's because giving them money is the opposite of them earning it. So it has to be managed, not just dumped on them.

In our case, the father had been unemployed for a long time, but he's a good mason/carpenter. So we built a house together, which basically only cost me the raw materials. Nobody was going to the hairdresser or buying clothes. Every peso had a receipt. Not everyone in the family could be trusted to bring the receipt and the change. So that person does not get cash.

After three months of building I left the father to finish interior work, and they proved trustworthy about money for a few more months. When it was done we put together a resume on the computer, and in a few minutes (from here) I found the lead engineer for a huge construction company. They hired him the next day. He has been continuously employed for almost four years. Now he has power tools that increased his pay, and he's going to be a construction foreman level employee eventually.

Her eldest sibling is completing his first year in Merchant Seaman school, and we're paying the modest tuition. The agreement is that he takes the parents in when they are retired. They already have a house and I'm sure we'll build another one. There is another sibling after that and she has the best opportunities of all because we got to her education matters at age 11. There are horrible schools there, no offense to Filipinos there are horrible schools everywhere or no schools at all even - but you have to tend to their educations.

They were seven people living in a 7' by 11' split bamboo and scrap-board shack four years ago. So it's a success for us, and I know there are a lot of other people too who are not posting but doing the same kinds of things. Out of seven, not everyone is behaving honestly and can't be trusted with money. Everyone else can though, and no family is perfect so we just treat each one according to what kind of trust they have earned.

Edited October 7, 2011 by rlogan

[TeapotGirl 66]

So, would I say it is a culture or maybe I just can't figure out what exactly tradition for Filipinos family ties?. I might be needed some enlighten for my curiosity.

I don't know if it's common to show a lot of appreciation for gifts in The Philippines. Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. I know my wife has reminded her little brothers and sister and even her mother to say thank you (salamat) each time they received something from us. Maybe the custom varies depending on location.

In the old times (even now), women stays at home to raise her kids once married. If she has a career, she will give it up to raise "better kids". A lot of women here can't take the idea that their kids will be closer to the nanny. So, the mother has totally forgot herself and will just be totally dependent on her husbands earnings. Later on in life, she gets old gets sick, husband gets sick too, average family means no insurance (voluntary like PhilamLife, SunLife, etc), no pension (SSS), no health care benefits (Medicard etc). Who are they going to turn to? The kids. Especially the eldest (like me).

I remember one of my officemates mother got a cancer. All 4 siblings didn't have a job, just her but she's married and got a son. The burden of chemotheraphy and the medicine expenses are in her shoulders because she's the only one that earns. That's crazy. If it's me, I'm gonna lose my mind!

Here if you made it big, you have to share, at least a little. If you are generous, then they would love you, they're so proud of you, you will be your parents topic whoever they talk to. See Manny Pacquaio? His mother is swimming in Hermes, diamonds and Louis Vitton bags.

A vast majority of Filipinos simply don't have the kind of revenue streams we are used to. Their idea of saving for the future is investing in and taking care of their younger family members today as they will be depending on them for future support and care.

I have to agree with this one. I am 28 yrs old. Most of my friends are already married or just had a kid out of wedlock. They keep on asking me (just a joke), when are you going to have a kid on your own. I say, "I am not sure if I want to have one. I may not want to." They are shocked why "Don't you want to have someone take care of you when you get old?"

But again, it depends on the environment and on the person. I am different so I say, I am one of the minority who got this kind of mentality here.

Edited October 7, 2011 by teapotgurl1983

[TeapotGirl 66]

We Filipinos never want to be called an "ingrate" by our parents. That's one of the most hurtful things your family can say to you. If you have parents who are expecting some kind of remittance after you leave to live and work in a first-world country, and you don't give them what they want, then they will definitely see you as an ingrate. It's not that they're evil or mean. It's just that in this culture, it's important to "look back at where you came from." If you don't, you'll be seen as an arrogant, selfish person who doesn't appreciate his or her roots.

CHILDREN DO NOT OWE ANYTHING TO THEIR PARENTS. Parents brought their kids into this world and it's their job to feed them, dress them, discipline and send them to school all the way to the college. It's not right to carry a baby in your womb and think it as an investment when you get old. While you are still young, you work hard, save money, do things right, try not to mess up and make good decisions. That's how you prepare for the old age.

But I've been vocal about it so my family know their place.