sending money to the family back in the phils

[Tahoma 2,292]

BTW, our needs includes our savings goals.

^^^ Good point, Bob.

@OP...Are you meeting your savings goal for retirement?

[BJZags 17]

I'll repeat my comments of the past regarding this same topic...

If you can afford it,,, try to replace the potential income she could of added to the family...

Example: If she is educated as a nurse, teacher, or similar, they could make 10-15k per month.

Just a thought...

Regards,

What are you suggesting? If the wife/gf/fiancee was a nurse in the PHL, you should be obligated to send more? He's already sending $300 a month which at current exchange rate is P12,000 plus a month, which would be the entire salary of a typical "professional" in the PHL.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

is this like a typical thing?! i do not know, hence me asking..

marrying a fillipino, and then you have some kind of "understood" obligation to care for extended family back on the islands?!

Yes and No...

There are actually a couple of different things in play here:

The Philippines main export is Manpower, the concept of OFW (Overseas Filipino Worker) supporting the family who stays behind has become as normal as having a job locally to support your family.

Then there is the stronger extended family ties. Even once the kids are out of the house (which typically happens later than in the US) they still contribute and help their parents.

These 2 things come together when a member of the family marries someone overseas. They Filipino feels the sense of obligation to help support their family back home.

This can be realized in a few different ways:

Some limit their remittances to money they have personally earned, sending some or all of it but never dipping into their spouse's income.

Some expect their spouse to pony-up and send money regardless of their own earning situation.

Some simply don't send anything unless there is a real need.

Regardless of which scenario (or variation thereof) is chosen it's important for the couple to have had a discussion about this subject LONG before any immigration paperwork is completed or there will be issues like we often see in threads where the 2 halves of the relationship are strained by this issue.

[skiptex 225]

Bob.. thanks!

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I'm sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it's become obvious to us that we can't afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we're having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we're being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we're rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it's not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

I think everyone is in different situation.I'm glad my big family always teach me to working hard if I wanted something. I'm not from rich family but all my family (sister, brothers, mom) live independently and I have a good job. That's why in my 3 years relationship with my fiance, I've never asked for money. I can afford all my expenses, internet bills, insurance, credit cards, everything. He wanted to send me money which I refused it. He quite impressed of me because he had Asian ex-gfs that kept asking him for money.

But he paid for vacation and told me he doesn't want use my money (he has a very good job too). One time, when we went to Singapore, he run out Singapore dollars and only had US dollars. I offered him use my credit cards because he only use his for hotel bills and plane ticket for both of us (he doesn't trust small stores and I felt bad because it was the first time he use his credit cards online to buy plane tickets). He refused and insisted that as fiance he would paid for everything.

My point is, I think it came first about an agreement. Have you an agreement before about money to her family? Did you promise would give them some amount money? Some Asians thinking married westerners mean living in a luxury life. I have some girl friends that have an issue like that on their family. I think your wife must support you and not let her family take in charge. Money is very sensitive talking and often cause problem in marriage. Some guys because their sense of feel being responsible tried to fulfill what people demand to them.

Speaking about amount of money, I think it depends where they are living. If they are living in small town, I guess 300 US dollars must be enough. It would totally different if they are living in a big city. I guess it would never be enough especially if you paid all expenses of the BIG family (unless you are Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Clinton). I feel bad about that they called you in such ways but most important that you have to put your wife and kids first and then her family. If you have a bad situation and don't have anything, would they give you some help as well? Do not let people value you by your money because when all gone they would left you behind. Sorry for long explanation..

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I think everyone is in different situation.I'm glad my big family always teach me to working hard if I wanted something. I'm not from rich family but all my family (sister, brothers, mom) live independently and I have a good job. That's why in my 3 years relationship with my fiance, I've never asked for money. I can afford all my expenses, internet bills, insurance, credit cards, everything. He wanted to send me money which I refused it. He quite impressed of me because he had Asian ex-gfs that kept asking him for money.

But he paid for vacation and told me he doesn't want use my money (he has a very good job too). One time, when we went to Singapore, he run out Singapore dollars and only had US dollars. I offered him use my credit cards because he only use his for hotel bills and plane ticket for both of us (he doesn't trust small stores and I felt bad because it was the first time he use his credit cards online to buy plane tickets). He refused and insisted that as fiance he would paid for everything.

My point is, I think it came first about an agreement. Have you an agreement before about money to her family? Did you promise would give them some amount money? Some Asians thinking married westerners mean living in a luxury life. I have some girl friends that have an issue like that on their family. I think your wife must support you and not let her family take in charge. Money is very sensitive talking and often cause problem in marriage. Some guys because their sense of feel being responsible tried to fulfill what people demand to them.

Speaking about amount of money, I think it depends where they are living. If they are living in small town, I guess 300 US dollars must be enough. It would totally different if they are living in a big city. I guess it would never be enough especially if you paid all expenses of the BIG family (unless you are Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Clinton). I feel bad about that they called you in such ways but most important that you have to put your wife and kids first and then her family. If you have a bad situation and don't have anything, would they give you some help as well? Do not let people value you by your money because when all gone they would left you behind. Sorry for long explanation..

Sorry I meant, Bill Gates.Lol.

[skiptex 225]

Sorry I meant, Bill Gates.Lol.

Bill Clinton.. probably has Several Girls in the Phills.. LOL that naughty man!

[Girl from Celebes 588]

Bill Clinton.. probably has Several Girls in the Phills.. LOL that naughty man!

. I am as innocent as baby...I was thinking about Microsoft and it turns out I typed Bill Clinton. Too many Bills around the world... Thank God Hilly Billy did not crossed on my mind at that time. I must be sounded so silly then.

Edited October 5, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[TeapotGirl 66]

I am the eldest in the family and here, the eldest is next to ranking if the parents can't do their job for some reason and that includes financial support.

I worked in a call center and didn't pursue a career that I like because I need money right away. I sent my brother to school, feed him, gave him shelter, pay for all of out utilities. While I am still here, I am already conditioning him and the rest of my family about money.

1. I don't have an obligation to support all of you. I have already sent you (my brother) to school, use it so you can get a job and feed yourself.

2. I don't want to hear asking financial help because you messed up. I will not send money to bail your #### out in the jail or pay for the car that you hit. Take care of it!

3. I don't want to be asked about something that I have already asked before. If problems keep on reoccurring, then do something to prevent it.

4. If you want a luxury items like tablet, expensive watch, you work for it.

I know my family has a high regard of me. They listen to what I say, so I suggest have your wife take care of it. It should be a mutual decision so it won't sound to parents that you're the villain.

[Girl from Celebes 588]

I am the eldest in the family and here, the eldest is next to ranking if the parents can't do their job for some reason and that includes financial support.

I worked in a call center and didn't pursue a career that I like because I need money right away. I sent my brother to school, feed him, gave him shelter, pay for all of out utilities. While I am still here, I am already conditioning him and the rest of my family about money.

1. I don't have an obligation to support all of you. I have already sent you (my brother) to school, use it so you can get a job and feed yourself.

2. I don't want to hear asking financial help because you messed up. I will not send money to bail your #### out in the jail or pay for the car that you hit. Take care of it!

3. I don't want to be asked about something that I have already asked before. If problems keep on reoccurring, then do something to prevent it.

4. If you want a luxury items like tablet, expensive watch, you work for it.

I know my family has a high regard of me. They listen to what I say, so I suggest have your wife take care of it. It should be a mutual decision so it won't sound to parents that you're the villain.

That's brilliant. It depends on agreement at first place..

[DouglasFiel 53]

What are you suggesting? If the wife/gf/fiancee was a nurse in the PHL, you should be obligated to send more? He's already sending $300 a month which at current exchange rate is P12,000 plus a month, which would be the entire salary of a typical "professional" in the PHL.

As I suggested,,, if you can afford it.

Many times your new wife was adding income to the larger family. Especially, if she was the eldest and educated. It is only

reasonable to think... With her leaving the Philippines, there will be a loss of income to the family. Again, if you can

afford it... replace the income -- keep the peace. In my wife's case,,, Educated as a nurse in the Philippines and now a

Nurse her in the USA. So,,, it is the least we can do.

Regards,

[Girl from Celebes 588]

As I suggested,,, if you can afford it.

Many times your new wife was adding income to the larger family. Especially, if she was the eldest and educated. It is only

reasonable to think... With her leaving the Philippines, there will be a loss of income to the family. Again, if you can

afford it... replace the income -- keep the peace. In my wife's case,,, Educated as a nurse in the Philippines and now a

Nurse her in the USA. So,,, it is the least we can do.

Regards,

An honestly I just knew sooner after joined VJ forum about these things regarding to Philippines family ties. I spent many hours read the threads (one of them was a thread from another poster with topic," help with mama." It came a big surprise to me that such things never or at least a few happened in my country about the eldest ones is the source of family income when father/mother can't work to support family or whatever it is reason behind.

We (Indonesians) have some obligations like that here though not necessary forcing daughters/sons to be the source of family income. They (parents) sent their children going to school, graduated, and start to have a job but parents never set that their children have to pay back for what parents had given to them. I have stable job and my parents never ask for money . So, would I say it is a culture or maybe I just can't figure out what exactly tradition for Filipinos family ties?. I might be needed some enlighten for my curiosity. Big pardon if I did make an offended statements.Not my intention...

As Khalil Gibran says on a beautiful piece work of poetry:

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Edited October 5, 2011 by Girl from Celebes

[oregon75 0]

Ok, here is our problem. One that I’m sure is all too common! My wife has been in the USA for over three years and thankfully all is well with us here. Our problem is trying to help out the family back in the Philippines. My wife has three sisters and her two parents living back in Cebu. The Mom and Dad left their property in the province years ago over some family fights. They only had a nipa roofed house anyways. They then moved to the city with the oldest sister who had met a foreigner. The Mom, Dad and sisters stayed with the older sister and foreigner for a few years until recently more infighting and bickering led to her parents finding their own apartment in the city (with our financial support of course). Now it’s become obvious to us that we can’t afford to pay rent for them and help with all their living expenses. Some of them work, but they make next to nothing. Once we told them that we’re having problems sending more money there is more arguing and fighting and we’re being called cheap and selfish!!! This really hurts, especially when some of our hard earned money is going over there and there seems to be no appreciation. Of course they all think we’re rich, and I wish we were. They have no idea the cost of living in the USA.

We are currently sending about 300 USD a month. This seems like a lot to us but it’s not enough for them. Please give me some advice. Is this a fair amount, too much, too little??

Thank you for everyone’s response! To be honest, in our situation her parents don’t seem too greedy, but the oldest sister living in Cebu is really the bad one who made the very rude comments to my wife about our contributions. She’s extremely controlling, unappreciative, and greedy and she doesn’t even hold a job! She expects my wife (her sister) to make the family live in luxury over there now that my wife is in the USA. I know it’s not an easy life in the Philippines but at some point enough is enough.

Thankfully I did discuss financial matters with my wife before we ever got married. I was very specific that I understood her commitment to her family. We both agreed that we would help contribute money to the family back in the Philippines but we would NOT fully support them. I made it a point that there is a big difference between helping out and supporting the whole family. I agree with some of the posts that some people will have no motivation to work hard and make their own way when there is free money showing up every month. I have no problem sending some money to help out, but at some point it becomes unfair and we just become suckers. I think if we just kept sending more and more money the family would sit around doing nothing, with multiple nannies waiting on them hand and foot while we’re working our butts off over here in the USA. Hopefully the family will understand and just be appreciative of what we are sending. That’s really all my wife and I want, just some appreciation!

[Theresa0828 65]

Hello, I am a filipina and this has been my problem ever since I got a job...

My mom is a single mother and we kids have seen her hardships raising us... she support us by selling magazines and comics in the market when we are young, she has a small place and it was really a good business until almost everything become computerized and magazines and comics lost its charm. My older brother ask him to leave the business since he was earning a bit at that time and my my mom is incurring more debt than income.

So right after my graduation, my brother said that he will start a family and they just waited for me to graduate, and if I can take care of my mom and my younger brother. I got a really good job, and young as I was, I think my first mistake was give most of my salary to my mother, leaving only an allowance for me to get on with the next pay day... I was thinking at that time that she can do the budgeting since she has been doing it for years... Later I realize that my mother doesn't know how to budget!!! She's a typical "one day millionaire", who cannot stop spending the money she has on her hand... and I realize that the way she runs the magazine business before was to borrow money in the morning to buy stocks from the publishing house... then pay it in the afternoon... so she was trying to do that with my salary... spent everything, borrow when all the money is gone... then pay when i give my salary again... I was dumbfounded and when I realize that... I decided to do everything in the house, pay the bills, grocery etc... and just give her a daily allowance like if she thinks of buying some snacks or something... She got so mad with this that it became a constant battle for us... So I decided to leave the city and went to Manila...

I worked in Makati for 5 years and I told her... I don't know what will you do with the money, but this is the only monthly amount you are going to get every month... then I am also telling her how it is hard for me to live in the city, even if my salary is bigger, the cost of living is also higher... etc etc etc, she slowly changed but i can feel that it was a constant struggle, I still get surprises like she owes this much to this person... but at least its something manageable... and when i married my husband... i told them point blank that he is not rich... and i also told my husband before that please do not spoil her or show that you can spoil her...

Right now, the arrangement was to give my mom P15,000 pesos (which is approx. $350), every month, she do not have to pay rent though coz she own the house. My older sister (she is japan-based and just became stable a few years back) and I alternate every other month which is really good. We still get surprises like we need to repair this side of the house or your nephew has to attend a jamboree camp or my brother need a new tire for the car but we are given enough notice... and my sister and I will talk who will give this or that...

So the lesson of the story... Do not pamper them, if you start giving your hand, they will want your whole arm later.... And no matter how good you are with them... you will only be as good as the last money you sent... Disregard the small talk, just give what you can so that they can learn to live with that.

[kev_n_jena 89]

Appreciation or lack of it, has been a point of contention with me on several occasions. I actually think I'm at fault for expecting it but it's a hard habit to break.

I don't know if it's common to show a lot of appreciation for gifts in The Philippines. Maybe someone can shed some light on the subject. I know my wife has reminded her little brothers and sister and even her mother to say thank you (salamat) each time they received something from us. Maybe the custom varies depending on location.

In the US we are trained from a young age to say please and thank you for every little thing no matter how trivial. We say thank you for someone holding a door an extra second, thank you for a cashier handing us a receipt, etc. etc. I'm fairly certain that isn't the tradition in Phils.

Is it possible that some people might be saving face by not acting grateful? I've never really discussed it much with Jena.