Snakes

[Dan and Judy 614]

Went for a walk along the irrigation canal yesterday - well the path anyway - I ain't big J

I saw a Western Diamond back rattle snake in the grass between the path and the canal

Turned round so I didn't have to walk past it

On the way home I though somebody might take their dog for a walk along there - and if the dog sniffed at its tail then pow !

We had a Mountain Lion in a back yard half a mile away and the coyotes kill a lot of cats - it's their main food - so its a pretty dangerous place once it gets dusky - and that's before the undocumented hookers come out.

Should I have reported the snake's presence to someone or is it just normal here in cowboy country and perhaps there were more further on - or a bear or Mexican bandidos or lions

... and so not to worry

You should have picked it up and put it in a bag so it couldn't bite anyone.

[Golden Gate 530]

You do not have only garter snakes in Michigan.

...that I know of, yes...

[Captain Oates 911]

You should have picked it up and put it in a bag so it couldn't bite anyone.

Well I didn't have a bag or snake gloves. I did have a 38 special +P with hollow points but I thought that might be a little disproportionate.

I guess I could have taken my shirt off and made a bag but I didn't want to be mobbed by all the house wives. Its a bit remote round here and those farmer gals don't get out much and even the TV signal is weak out there so they are bored rotten.

Anyway what if it pooed in my shirt - they might stink like skunks for all I know

Perhaps I should have asked wifey to take her bra off and then clapped that round its ears - but she was going south at a rate of knots by then

[Captain Oates 911]

Are garter snakes found in gentleman's clubs ?

[Golden Gate 530]

trouser snakes ?

[TBoneTX 45,291]

I hate spiders

I know that I'm not going to understand women, no man. I'll never understand how they can take boiling-hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider, no man.

I want to be reincarnated as one of those industrial-sized boa constrictors that live in the South American jungles. I'd hang by my tail from a tree all day, and then when Lunch walked by, in the form of a human or a donkey, I'd slither down, swallow it whole, and then nap for three days while digesting it. Heaven, si man. Either that, or I want to be a bull, so I can go through a china shop.

In Mrs. T-B.'s hometown in Ecuador, we were on the street one evening when we saw a group of guys staring interestedly at something on the sidewalk. It was a tiny snake, perhaps 3 inches long. Mrs. T-B. said that they don't see those there very often. I summoned my entire Spanish vocabulary and said "Mira! Una anaconda!" ("Look! An anaconda!") My hilarious and timely joke was ignored because they couldn't understand my gringo accent, except for one guy who looked greatly alarmed and pointed me toward the nearest bathroom, oof man.

Exactly what do snakes use for genitalia? They don't have trouser-snakes of their own, presumably, probably in part because they usually wear no trousers, no man.

[Captain Oates 911]

I know that I'm not going to understand women, no man. I'll never understand how they can take boiling-hot wax, pour it onto their upper thigh, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider, no man.

I want to be reincarnated as one of those industrial-sized boa constrictors that live in the South American jungles. I'd hang by my tail from a tree all day, and then when Lunch walked by, in the form of a human or a donkey, I'd slither down, swallow it whole, and then nap for three days while digesting it. Heaven, si man. Either that, or I want to be a bull, so I can go through a china shop.

In Mrs. T-B.'s hometown in Ecuador, we were on the street one evening when we saw a group of guys staring interestedly at something on the sidewalk. It was a tiny snake, perhaps 3 inches long. Mrs. T-B. said that they don't see those there very often. I summoned my entire Spanish vocabulary and said "Mira! Una anaconda!" ("Look! An anaconda!") My hilarious and timely joke was ignored because they couldn't understand my gringo accent, except for one guy who looked greatly alarmed and pointed me toward the nearest bathroom, oof man.

Exactly what do snakes use for genitalia? They don't have trouser-snakes of their own, presumably, probably in part because they usually wear no trousers, no man.

In the words of Basil Fawlty - the reason he can't understand me is he seems to have picked up this gutter accent, whereas I learned classical Spanish

Snakes are like religious southern virgins - they can get pregnant by kissing

If I were a snake, I would be so scared when I looked in the mirror that I would buy a nice blond wig so that everyone would want to kiss and cuddle me

[TBoneTX 45,291]

Snakes are like religious southern virgins - they can get pregnant by kissing

It sounds far too easy, si man.

If I were a snake, I would be so scared when I looked in the mirror that I would buy a nice blond wig so that everyone would want to kiss and cuddle me

Blond wigs = good, but if snake & family poked out through said wig, they would look like Medusa, see man.

[Captain Oates 911]

It sounds far too easy, si man.Blond wigs = good, but if snake & family poked out through said wig, they would look like Medusa, see man.

I think you must have been to the same night clubs as me..that 2am greenish street lighting when you get em outside

I'm with the mammals. Cant go wrong with a mammal. No se puede perdido !

[MyLittlePony 340]

I see spiders all the time and i use a book to swat the piss out of them i see big ones small red one and black ones they make a mess of webs in the trees and front of house.

[TBoneTX 45,291]

I think you must have been to the same night clubs as me..that 2am greenish street lighting when you get em outside

Most women tended to look better at or after 2 a.m., hic man.

I'm with the mammals. Cant go wrong with a mammal.

Is a camel a mammal? Is your mama a llama?

No se puede perdido !

English-only (British English, if absolutely necessary) outside the Regional Subfora, yes hombre ("ootside" if in Canada, eh man).

I see spiders all the time and i use a book to swat the piss out of them i see big ones small red one and black ones they make a mess of webs in the trees and front of house.

The itsy-bitsy ones tend to go up the waterspout, si man.

[Captain Oates 911]

I see spiders all the time and i use a book to swat the piss out of them i see big ones small red one and black ones they make a mess of webs in the trees and front of house.

...and skeeters. They like me but don't bite wifey ever. internet says it means I could have diabetes because they smell the sugar in your skin. Doc can't detect it - but they LOVE my flesh - huge mountainous boils for 10 days. Straight through a thick shirt all over my shoulders and my elbows. Repellant just makes em really party and call their pals.

Fee Fi Fo Fum - I smell the blood of an Englishman. Racist insects. Becoming a US Citizen doesn't seem to have put em off.

Winter is coming - no more bears/snakes/insects - just ravenous mountain lions and Mexican drug gangs.

It's like the wild west here in the wild west

Edited October 4, 2011 by Austin Devon

[TBoneTX 45,291]

It's like the wild west here in the wild west

"We are always here, except when we are gone."