help with mama

[Loolie 56]

I feel sorry for you... you should be both happy right now bcoz your already together but i guess thats not whats happening right now. im sure gretchen is a bit dissappointed bcoz she cant help her family back home and same with you bcoz you dOnt have extra mOney to send too. But come to think of it... before you came to gretchen's life her family survived living in the village with the calamities that happened before in thier village... Do you think they wont survive now if you cant send money? Of course they will but the thing is they know that somebody from abroad will send them money... Easy money... Thats why they ask and they will keep asking if you tolerate them. And stop saying they will learn bcoz i think its you who should learn that next time dont be a barney who likes to play pretend that you are rich when your not. its your fault. the best thing you can do is go file the aos so gretchen can have ead and she can work and support her family. Its not your obligation to support her family. think of both of you first before her family.

[rheanick 42]

man, I haven't posted on the thread for a while, jsut letting it take its toll on [people winding out. Sheesh. I love mahal ko. I am happy she spent money on her family and took care of them versus spending money on herself. It shows me how important family is to her. If she cares about her parents and family that much, how much more will she care about our family we have together?

the problem is the lack of forethought. the spending without saving. Being ready for a "rainy day". there is a typhoon right now in northern Philippines. I feel sad for everyone it is affecting.

It is also affecting the village. they cannot fish. I do not have money to send them. I just got back and have to catch up again. MIL went out and spent money on paint instead of saving the money. Now the family is hurting for food, plus learning, I just cannot send money right now. No matter how much I want to, there are bills and responsibilities here now with Gretchen. (MIL had money to make it through rough times until I recovered here and MIL spent it on paint. I can't fix the "little red wagon" when I have to wait on the parts to fix "the wagon" myself.) I even told FIL it will be a few weeks before I can send money and then only 4300php a month. (it cost me including work loss a total of 740,000php for the trip) the problem is they are not and were not considering the expenses here. that money I sent to Gretchen had to be coming from somewhere. there was no thought to the fact the money might be the same amount I would spend to take care of her here in the US per month. I am now in the learning curve. MIL, and the family in the village is learning. If you take form the pocket, you are affecting something else. This time the money you took from the pocket affected their daughter in the US when we got back. I tried to explain to Gretchen how tight the budget was. The first week it worked. The second week, it did not work. I hate putting my foot down right now. But there is no better time to learn. Get through the rough weeks now versus not learning and having to repeat again down the road. Next time, Gretchen will be saying "no" much more often when she knows how it affects things back home.

Darren,

You mentioned that gretchen's mom is a loaner. A person who likes to loan is hard to change. Loaners of this world love you if they could get something from you. Loaners dont care if you have dont have money or you did not eat to give them money. Loaners just want your money, period. And if you could not provide it, then you are the meanest and baddest person in earth.

I'm not blaming you fully on the events that unfolded, just partially.

Good luck on your marriage.

Gretchen has to learn how to handle money and make decisions for her family.

[sunandmoon 450]

I am happy she spent money on her family and took care of them versus spending money on herself. It shows me how important family is to her. If she cares about her parents and family that much, how much more will she care about our family we have together?

so you've gone from shock to in awe... anyways, best of luck with future financial issues with the family and Gretchen having to deal with the financal demands from her family.

[gretchen_darren 67]

hehe, geez. I do not want control. How do I know how to say it???? if I wanted control, I would run for political office and get in politics. Wanting to control to me is like wanting to tame the wind. Forget it, no fun. I absolutely hate it.

It is a good thing she spent money on the family. However, the problem was the lack of concern for us. She never said it was too much, or where the money was going to go. It was for food, and for her and I to talk. Instead of letting me know it was too much, they just used the money, then next month she was out of money again and needed more for us to continue talking. Instead of being thrifty with a little money, they went overboard with excess. Instead of thinking ahead to when I did find out. Of course I was upset and mad when I found out. She knows it upset me. It was for a good cause for the family. However, it has affected things here.

I am a contractor. I do not work. No money. I lost as much money from not working as the trip cost me. And yes I came back with $300 in my pocket, $17 in savings, and $500 overdraft in my checking account with no payday for 10 days. From Saturday to payday, we are living on $30. Now that I am working, money will start flowing again. But I will have gone 21 days without a paycheck.

AS for her working, that is not what we want. She wants children. I want her to be at home with the children. I do not want her working. To me family is important. Very important. Also, in her village no women work. It is not like the "modern" society views. Sorry, but those of you who a liberals on here. I am a traditionalist. I respect your views, please respect mine and Gretchen. her working to send money home to family does not solidify our marriage. She ends up being married to me so she can send money home to mom and dad. How is that a good thing for the marriage? Her parents are still her master, not you. In a marriage, there is a family unit. If she is serving her parents by working to send them money, How are you and her being a family?

In my own humble opinion, the parents need to be told what I told my fiancee's family. She is mine now. We will take care of you. But do not make any demands of her without ME knowing. Do not put pressure on her, come to ME. I am the head of the household. I care for her and for her family. But I will not allow them to make demands or cause her to hide things from me as has been done. I am cutting to the root of the cause. I now know you enjoyed the "excess" money I sent. I now know I sent too much money. Your house is built, you have done things. Now I am building my house with my fiancee. Once our house is built and in order then and only then will we come back to the family in the village. You have enjoyed excess. You have taken advantage. I need time to think this over with Gretchen and talk with her. my house is important. Just as your house is there. However, I am not moving to the village, nor do I intend to live in the Philippines. Gretchen does not want to live in the Philippines either. I am allergic to fruit pollen and some raw fruit. I suffered while there. Only Gretchen knows and I did not tell her until we were leaving.)

Right now, my ex is pissed over Gretchen and hauling me back to court. I have to take care of that issue now. and my ex does not even know I know yet. She thinks it is still a surprise.

[momsjourney 6]

Right now, my ex is pissed over Gretchen and hauling me back to court. I have to take care of that issue now. and my ex does not even know I know yet. She thinks it is still a surprise.

What a mess. I feel sorry for your Gretchen.

AS for her working, that is not what we want. She wants children. I want her to be at home with the children. I do not want her working. To me family is important. Very important. Also, in her village no women work.

Give her a year or 2 when she gets bored in the house taking care of you and started to feel like a prisoner. By that time she would wish she had a job.

[sunandmoon 450]

hehe, geez. I do not want control. , no fun. I absolutely hate it.

... She is mine now. We will take care of you. But do not make any demands of her without ME knowing. Do not put pressure on her, come to ME. I am the head of the household. I care for her and for her family. But I will not allow them to make demands or cause her to hide things from me as has been done.

you don't want control?

[Ban Hammer 13,293]

one post removed for taking a quote of a member and then editing the quote to make a personal insult towards that member.

[gretchen_darren 67]

Gretchen knows exactly all that is happening. I do not hide anything from her. I tell her all that is going on. She has seen my ex. But they have not spoken. I do not know how Gretchen will re-act to her. Gretchen is very very shy. But I think if you corner her, you had better watch out. I don't think Gretchen is a girl you can push around. My ex may make that mistake and find out exactly what filipinas are like. Gretchen and I make jokes about "clubs" and "husband attention getters" (rolling pins and skillet-cast iron pans) But she knows how much I love her. nothing is as important to me as she is.

My frustration is just over the cost of the trip with the little incidentals the second week of the trip, with the "unknown" issues coming back. It is like saying no is something which makes you look bad because of what has been said about you by her family. then when she comes back here, she finds out you are not rich but just living a normal good life. And food is something you have plenty of. Also working a normal 9 to 5 job is something new. You work everyday. (sometimes more) and when you say you are leaving to go somewhere, you are actually going somewhere. Village life is much more relaxed then life in the USA.....

[sunandmoon 450]

My frustration is just over the cost of the trip with the little incidentals the second week of the trip, with the "unknown" issues coming back. It is like saying no is something which makes you look bad because of what has been said about you by her family. then when she comes back here, she finds out you are not rich but just living a normal good life. And food is something you have plenty of. Also working a normal 9 to 5 job is something new. You work everyday. (sometimes more) and when you say you are leaving to go somewhere, you are actually going somewhere. Village life is much more relaxed then life in the USA.....

in a previous post you said the budget went nuts in the second week, now it's little incidentals. your posts can be confusing at times.

I guess you can see now how this is an issue that should have been discussed months ago with Gretchen. were you caught totally off guard that you were thought of as a rich american with an unending flow of money or is it something you ignored, figuring you'd deal with it once Gretchen was in the USA? you've asked for input in this thread, but you only seem to respond by making excuses for your actions.

[GLJ1322 5]

Right now, my ex is pissed over Gretchen and hauling me back to court. I have to take care of that issue now. and my ex does not even know I know yet. She thinks it is still a surprise.

Work then there's money, communicate then there's clarity. If you're happy then awesome. You're getting all those response because you share a lot. People are now curious on what you post so good luck hopefully you and your ex will have closure on what ever matter she's pissed about.

[rlogan 2,036]

nothing is as important to me as she is.

There's no love like that of an old man for his young bride. Speaking from personal experience anyway.

It is like saying no is something which makes you look bad

I told you about emotional blackmail and the double-bind when they were putting the squeeze on you for the Flores De Mayo. This wasn't the first time it happened.

The irony is that you actually look bad when you do what they want. There's no dignity or respect you gain by being a tool of a con-man. When you say no, that is what gives you dignity and respect.

While you say "this is it" and there is no more money, just wait until they roll that dead grandma out. They might even be feeding her small doses of strichnine already. Maybe they'll shoot their Caribau. Someone is going to be sick or hospitalized. Then there's the village. The tradition they aspire to in soaking foreigners for a community bath house with side bar and casino wheel.

Time will tell.

Gretchen's got the goodies, and she's the one who decides whether to put on the charm or make your life miserable.

[Loolie 56]

darren likes to give so much information bcoz he likes the attention that is given to him by all the members who posted here... same as in the village too he liked the attention that was given to him by the village thats why he loose out of control in spending his money. its already sickening hearing about the MIL issues now he is pulling out the ex issues... Its a never ending drama... you can almost make a tele novela out of your dramatics.

[sunandmoon 450]

darren likes to give so much information bcoz he likes the attention that is given to him by all the members who posted here... same as in the village too he liked the attention that was given to him by the village thats why he loose out of control in spending his money. its already sickening hearing about the MIL issues now he is pulling out the ex issues... Its a never ending drama... you can almost make a tele novela out of your dramatics.

we can either stayed tuned for the next episode or change the channel. giving input or advise to Darren seems to be the same as talking to the TV.

[NoneYa 73]

Yes, I think the guy probably loves her and is frustrated. That being said, I would realize that you are in control if you make the money. Give her a budget. Teach her. Support her. Become best friends. Everything else will work itself out if you handle this the right way. Certainly, I would change the way you present things but she is under a learning curve. I bet she will be the best wife you could have found if you take the time to explain it to her..

Be careful of how you present things. Educate her. It's going to take time. She's a wonderful investment. Treat her well and it will pay big dividends. Don't get frustrated. Stay calm throughout the entire process and keep a cool head.

[rlogan 2,036]

OMG I missed the post with the cryptic comment about the ex hauling Darren back to court.

Geez. Yer makin' it too easy Darren! Drama 101. Did I forget to mention I was up on two counts of capital murder with aggravating circumstances in Idaho?

I thought there was a boat in this deal that is still forthcoming. I got a pretty modest one there (Mindanao) but a beefy one here. I commercial fished in the Bering Sea for salmon. Drift gillnet out of Emmonak. I can do some boat scouting for you there. You have to know fishing on Mindanao to get the right boat.