help with mama

[Tahoma 2,292]

I think ya'll scared Darren off! Well, sometimes the truth hurts.

nah, don't think so. he's just too busy researching...

Maybe he's looking for his glasses...

[Tahoma 2,292]

the innuendos/swipes at the op and general stereotyping need to cease.

I ain't looking for sympathy.

[analou scott 8]

yes darrin made mistakes, and yes we warned him, but he is not the first person to be in this situation. everytime i am in cebu i see "kanos" with their cute gf at the mall with armloads of bags from a days worth of shopping. another girl sees it and tells her friend who tells her friend and so it goes. in a country that speaks little or no english, it is our actions that tells the story, not our words.

[TinTin and Samby 11]

I think gretchen should deal with her family not really you. she should be the one to explain to them or make her family realize that living here in US is not easy. i dont know know why you need to talk to them about money, boat or whatever... your making them expect something from you... Its like your trying to be the man who will rescue them from poverty or something like that... just forget about the family in the philippines and just deal with your finances first. And tell gretchen to talk to her family coz shes the one who can only stop or tolerate her family from asking money. And you just keep quite.

Excellent Advice!

[vanessa_r 0]

omg wish you treated ur girl like a princess....might you make her'a maid'oo peace bro...u stepped thier feet for keeping telling stories about them...share your blessings

Life here is hard! Money doesn't come from trees. You have to work hard for it...

[vanessa_r 0]

ok, I know some parts of what I have said are objectionable to some. I hope people understand I do not "own" or "control" Gretchen except in sense which helps her to "feel" as such in her culture. Please note the phrase I posted means more in their culture, plus establishes me as the "role" in the family for me and Gretchen. I am having to walk a very hard line between being respectful, and dealing with other issues. AS for the people at the wedding. These are the "family" they introduced me to. Stating in the beginning these people were "family". Arrangements to have them at the wedding was made a long time ago just after Gretchen and I were engaged in order to provide witnesses for the finalizing of the k-1 visa to AOS. This was before the moeny I started sending to support Gretchen each month. There was a major falling out between families after my second visit. Not sure what it was, but believe it was related to support I was sending Gretchen. Seeing what I saw my last visit. I think it was the purchasing of furniture and other items for the house in June without telling me. Just taking the money and abusing what I was sending. the "family" who they introduced me to tried to warn the mother-in-law, but mama-in-law chose to ignore them. I am not sure the whole story yet. But I am digging very very deeply now before the wedding.

this is the part I am trying to deal with the demands for money from Kanos. I learned about the "what goes in, goes out". Having been working with Gretchen on it. However, the hard part is her turning over money to her parents, thinking I just had more money to give or for to support both me and Gretchen. I am trying not to offend people on here. Nor am I trying to offend her parents. However, I know I have to start setting some ground rules on money or I will go nuts trying to make everyone happy. then when I am broke no one will understand why in the heck we cannot send any money.

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth from village. Money to rent a jeepney. Money for class party. Money for a church seminar. No load on phone, No load in internet smart card. The phone you bought me went to my brother. I bought this phone with money you sent me, it now is going to my mother. Mother got electric to the house in her name. Some of the clothes I took for Gretchen ended up going to other aunts and cousins in the family. It was getting tiring for me. Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. Internet per month was only 1200 php (200php unlimited internet for 5 days, I found this out as leaving.) With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. Spending time with the kids. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

I feel for you Darren... Your responsibility is only to your wife and not her entire clan! Life here is hard. We don't get money on trees! We can't please everyone back in PI... We have to live here too!

I am not trying to control. But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages. But the problem is the expectations. Somehow there is this thinking the money came in, just spend it. then when she runs out for load, he will send more. No thought as to how it made me feel when I found out what had been going on. You can say all you want about culture, this, that, robbing the cradle. But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

[Rebecca Jo 1,962]

Jeez.

160,000 php is about $3700 US dollars. Plus you traveled to the Philippines three times in nine months. What did that cost in dollars? Ten grand?

What the hell did you think her family would think!

You set yourself up for this.

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

nyahahahaha!!! very funny! i wonder what Gretchen has to say to all of these... does she even know that her future hubby "broadcasted" their lives here???? Dios Mio! Muy Mal!!!!

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing.

I had this song in my head all damn day.

Edited September 23, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Dan and Judy 614]

I think Gretchen could be very happy with Darren, If she is used to Momma running her life and Darren takes over that role thats not that big of a change.

Darren has indicated that he wants her to interact with the fillipinos here that come from her own village. That's not exactly like locking her in a closet.

[jimmysmitts 9]

Personally I shared all of my finances with my wife and mother before we got married. I told them I was not rich and that everything costs more in the USA (mortgage, food, cars, health insurance). I showed them how much was coming in and how much was going out along with what the money I was saving was going to be used for (wedding and buying a house).

I felt like I was chanting a mantra letting them know I was not rich and that I was not going to instantly make them rich with streams of money and we still had problems with them thinking money grows on trees.

I tried to over communicate with them since I know it is a common problem foreigners who marry filipina have.

Just a note on dealing with mother in-laws a Philippine saying I heard is "husbands come and go but you only get one mother", if she has to choose between you and her mother she is probably going to choose her mother.

[tmma 467]

This is a tribal custom. A right of passage into marriage for a girl. It is the changing of being a child into being a responsible adult. I am having to research the old tribal customs of the philippines to even understand these things myself. I am involved in many tribal customs having to be performed. I just wish I knew how to explain it. It is more closely related to native american customs then anything else I can find. But even then the customs as still different.

Here's the thing, Darren. She is a minor child and will still be after you two are married. Gosh, she's only a handful of years older than my child.....*shudder*.....Hell, in most States here she isn't old enough for a beer.

Oh man so young and all this. Hubby to be battling with mom over the ' gravy train' and hubby to be over spending and bitching about it later...renaging on the ' boat' deal and money flow that was supposed to happen once hubby gets Gretchen to the States..

Darren do you realize how awful your stories/posts/ phrases make you look?

[tmma 467]

Jeez.

160,000 php is about $3700 US dollars. Plus you traveled to the Philippines three times in nine months. What did that cost in dollars? Ten grand?

What the hell did you think her family would think!

You set yourself up for this.

Exactly.

You sold yourself as the uber- rich, uber- generous macdaddy and now you are wondering why they are expecting it.

edit- it is curious though, as to why you didn't have a problem with the money flow to them BEFORE you got Gretchen on US soil.

Why didn't you say anything in the PI when you were there?

Edited September 23, 2011 by tmma

[Tahoma 2,292]

I think Gretchen could be very happy with Darren, If she is used to Momma running her life and Darren takes over that role thats not that big of a change.

Darren has indicated that he wants her to interact with the fillipinos here that come from her own village. That's not exactly like locking her in a closet.

I smell trouble...

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them.

[TiklingGuy 211]

I just want to say Good luck, were all counting on you.