help with mama

[sunandmoon 450]

Darren, you've said many times that you understand the Philiipine culture, but it seems you do not understand human nature. the monthly support you were sending for Gretchen was a windfall. you knew the way Gretchen lived, yet you sent far more than what was needed to support her and now your shocked how all the money was spent. you brought her more clothes than she needed, now are surprised she gave some to members of her family.

Gretchen is the one who now will have to deal with the financial expectations of the her family back in the Philippines. you will need to work together with her, not just laying down the law. it seems there are many things do not see without your glasses...

[Mhayonaise 14]

Darren what's happening today are consequences of your previous acts. You impressed them too much. Now, stop complaining but rather start working things out the right way

I wish you guys a happy life ahead.

[kev_n_jena 89]

Gosh, more and more information keeps coming out. Darren, from your early posts I got the impression that you felt you were an expert on Filipino culture. First let me say, I'm not, but then again, you certainly aren't. Where did you get your expertise, a book from the 1950s?

So it turns out you got taken advantage of by a pretty smart lady, your mother inlaw. She's got her hooks in you now. She'll probably try to lay a heavy duty guilt trip on her daughter to get more out of you. Before your recent posts I thought you would be ready for that, but maybe not. The guilt WILL take a toll on you both, especially Gretchen since she is so young and has never lived away from her parents. You can't blame them for trying to help themselves any way they can. Opportunities are few and far between from what you've described.

As I said before, now is the time to build a strong and trusting relationship with your soon to be wife. That is all you can do to help your situation.

To others reading this post, I understand that most phil/am love stories do not involve money issues like the ones being discussed here.

[LoveLoveLove 18]

This is the only thing i can tell you, you have put yourself in this situation darren. In the first place, it was you who offered money to the family. It was you who provided your young girl financial support every month. i am no saying that it is bad, however you came to their lives giving out the wrong notion that you are papa santa claus who will raise them up from poverty. and now bec of your money, you think you can control their lives and you can dictate them how they are going to live their lives

[BobnCherry 10]

and also: THINK before you/i/we CLICK.

i just think that there are things better left "unpublished" here... well, it's just me... and that's how i see it.

To Gretchen, i sincerely wish her true happiness.

[analou scott 8]

you lost control the minute you stepped on the plane to meet a girl 19 years old, that you knew for less than 3 weeks. now you want it back? you set a precedent that will take lots of time, patience, and understanding to work through. my advise is the next time Kleenex is on sale, buy lots!

[I_Am_That_I_Am 46]

nyahahahaha!!!! magtirik na ng kandila. haaaayy.... like i said, i don't understand why these things have to be published here...

here's one simple advice for you, mr. american: little talk, little mistake. Good Luck!

Your posts are getting weirder and weirder. Do you expect anyone to believe that pile of jebs?

Do you even realize that Markieboy is Filipino? Sheesh...

I'm going to enjoy reading the responses from the rest of the tribe!!!

By the way, I find it strange that you would whine about how your inlaws are pissing away money, then go on to describe how you didn't stick to your own budget.

It must be h*ll when a control freak loses control.

Gretchen...we will pray for you!

OK tribe...Magdasal na tayo.......

[xoxo_rm 3]

this is so personal concern darren, i suggest to seek for professional help, and/or seek for friend advice with your concern and not brought up your personal concern in life in this site, cause we don't know you personally, others may have sympathy on you others won't.. i hope you do earlier research that it takes a lot of adjustments and understanding in marrying a girl with different culture.

it seems you have a culture shock.

right know you have to focus on starting your new life with gretchen.

[sunshinearizona 21]

ok, I know some parts of what I have said are objectionable to some. I hope people understand I do not "own" or "control" Gretchen except in sense which helps her to "feel" as such in her culture. Please note the phrase I posted means more in their culture, plus establishes me as the "role" in the family for me and Gretchen. I am having to walk a very hard line between being respectful, and dealing with other issues. AS for the people at the wedding. These are the "family" they introduced me to. Stating in the beginning these people were "family". Arrangements to have them at the wedding was made a long time ago just after Gretchen and I were engaged in order to provide witnesses for the finalizing of the k-1 visa to AOS. This was before the moeny I started sending to support Gretchen each month. There was a major falling out between families after my second visit. Not sure what it was, but believe it was related to support I was sending Gretchen. Seeing what I saw my last visit. I think it was the purchasing of furniture and other items for the house in June without telling me. Just taking the money and abusing what I was sending. the "family" who they introduced me to tried to warn the mother-in-law, but mama-in-law chose to ignore them. I am not sure the whole story yet. But I am digging very very deeply now before the wedding.

this is the part I am trying to deal with the demands for money from Kanos. I learned about the "what goes in, goes out". Having been working with Gretchen on it. However, the hard part is her turning over money to her parents, thinking I just had more money to give or for to support both me and Gretchen. I am trying not to offend people on here. Nor am I trying to offend her parents. However, I know I have to start setting some ground rules on money or I will go nuts trying to make everyone happy. then when I am broke no one will understand why in the heck we cannot send any money.

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth from village. Money to rent a jeepney. Money for class party. Money for a church seminar. No load on phone, No load in internet smart card. The phone you bought me went to my brother. I bought this phone with money you sent me, it now is going to my mother. Mother got electric to the house in her name. Some of the clothes I took for Gretchen ended up going to other aunts and cousins in the family. It was getting tiring for me. Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. Internet per month was only 1200 php (200php unlimited internet for 5 days, I found this out as leaving.) With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. Spending time with the kids. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

I am not trying to control. But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages. But the problem is the expectations. Somehow there is this thinking the money came in, just spend it. then when she runs out for load, he will send more. No thought as to how it made me feel when I found out what had been going on. You can say all you want about culture, this, that, robbing the cradle. But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

you practically bought this little girl....why didn't you just settle with an american girl and save you a bunch of moolah and aggravation???? i wonder why...oh why...oh why? you knew what you were getting into..besides, you should've picked someone who is professional or someone as smart as you? naaahhh....you would not be able to manipulate someone who is mature and educated.

[Dan and Judy 614]

If this thread was moved to RUB , Darren would get more moral support and less thrashing

[moonandsun 16]

Good Luck and God Bless you Darren and Gretchen!

[Tahoma 2,292]

If this thread was moved to RUB , Darren would get more moral support and less thrashing

Watch it Dan...calling the RUBs morons is a violation of the TOS.

[GLJ1322 5]

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth

Lols my family and friends asks me for a farewell party but I said I'll see if my budget is ok for that and I said it's better to pay it for bills at home rather than spending it on party, but anyway my sister insisted having it and I said it's ok and up to them, coz the good part is, its their treat. The lesson here is not only you deciding on things, both of you should talk about it and come up unto an agreement, specially about financial matters. Money is a necessity but few times or so it's a root of evil(problems)Good luck.

[Ban Hammer 13,293]

the innuendos/swipes at the op and general stereotyping need to cease.

[Tim/Mav 305]

the innuendos/swipes at the op and general stereotyping need to cease.

Yes Charles, I don't think it was so much an Attack on Darren but he asked for Imput, Imput, Imput. I knew he would not get the reassurance he was looking for with his post. But, he did recieve thoughts of members that relate to his currant status. Members were honest and we all watch eachothers cases. Maybe it will help him?