help with mama

[sunshinearizona 21]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law? told her and the family: "akin sya ngyon" (she is mine now. Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do. We are not married yet in vows, but you live with me here. In my heart, we are already married.")

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them. mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA. She does not seem to understand USA too much. the others helped out their family. They could barely afford to do that and right now have lost much. mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel". I told the brother I am trying to be nice. mama does not want to make me upset. (I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train". I am focusing on here now with Gretchen. I have told papa very little money will be coming until I recover financially from the trip. Gretchen and I went shopping here tonight. Gretchen noticed the cost of food and items was much, much higher than back home. Plus, we have to go Sept 8 through Sept 29 with no paychecks. What we spent while I was there in the philippines is now affecting us here. Gretchen is learning the budget was there for a reason. the next 2 or 3 weeks will be tough, but better to teach now than later. Friends have offered to help out, but i have told them, "thanks, but helping out does not re-enforce the budget or how her parents home affects her new home. How she lives here is directly affected by the money which was spent over there.")

Also, I am going to be really putting down my foot. Seems mama was out buying paint today. I just saw things while I was there. I believe and not yet confirmed the 6,000php I gave to Gretchen in Manila went directly to mama with or without papa knowing. Mama getting her hair done right after we landed, eating lunch at the mall makes me believe that. papa may not have known since he asked me for money to go home and food. Or maybe they told Gretchen not to tell me. (they bought a new purse for Gretchen and underwear (Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) as well which makes me believe they had the 6,000 php) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing. I have told Gretchen to tell me her needs and wants. Gretchen did not yet see herself as belonging to me while we were there. I hope I have finally cleared this up.

I have told the oldest brother, mama would do well and may fare better in the long run by listening to the daughter of the mom who I am friends with here. I have talked with Gretchen about this too in much length today. (I will post more on this discussion later.) Gretchen now understands fully where I am coming from.

when you marry a little filipina girl, you marry her whole family. i don't know why we need to know your life story but this is what happens when you STEAL from the crib.

[iloverb 5]

omg wish you treated ur girl like a princess....might you make her'a maid'oo peace bro...u stepped thier feet for keeping telling stories about them...share your blessings

[B_J 2,752]

ok, new post. Sorry so long but hopefully the more information, less torment from others. How to deal with mama in law?

I really truly very very very very much respect the parents of mahal ko.

mama is holding a grudge against others from the village here in the USA because they are not helping out the village. mama does not want her daughter associating with them. mama does not understand if mama cuts off her daughter from them, her daughter may not succeed in adjustment to USA. She does not seem to understand USA too much. the others helped out their family. They could barely afford to do that and right now have lost much. mama seems to want to really "run the village since she is president of the chapel". I told the brother I am trying to be nice. mama does not want to make me upset. (I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA. the same people mama does not want Gretchen seeing will confirm the marriage and help Gretchen to stay here. mama is messing with Gretchen's future and in turn mama's own future.)

(But when I hear mama trying to influence things on her daughter, who no longer lives at home, she had better start thinking who wears the pants and who wears the dresses. Also mama needs to start thinking of the "gravy train".

Okay, I'm assuming that you really are sincere when you're asking how to deal with mama in law? So, I'm going to just answer that question and ignore all the controversial parts of the post.

I'm going to assume that you meant the part about respecting Gretchen's parents; but the problem is, your actions don't seem to show that respect. If mama doesn't want Gretchen associating with certain people, I think it's disrespectful to totally ignore her wishes. Plus, you haven't even told Gretchen that the people will be at the wedding. Doesn't Gretchen get to help decide that? Would Gretchen want to go behind her mother's back? You're showing a lack of respect to both Gretchen and her mother.

You also have a problem with mama trying to influence Gretchen. If you have respect for the person Gretchen is, then you should have respect for her mother because there is probably nobody who has been more influential in her life. And to start talking about the gravy train also shows a lack of respect. You get to make all the decisions now because you're the man with the money. Do you seriously want to say that? What happened to the respect?

My advice is start showing real respect to her parents and even more importantly, show respect to Gretchen. Don't make decisions without her being a part of it. Don't deceive the mother in law. Think about the point of view of others. And do a lot more listening.

Hope that helps.

[Tim/Mav 305]

when you marry a little filipina girl, you marry her whole family. i don't know why we need to know your life story but this is what happens when you STEAL from the crib.

Darren, I'm shocked and disappointed by your post/thread.

One reply said: Run Run Run. Hard to run 6000 Miles . The bait was set. A wealthy american serching for a young lady.

I'm just disappointed in what you said.

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

"Your parents no longer control you, I do"?????

I don't think I even know what to say to that!

[kev_n_jena 89]

Darren,

As I mentioned in a previous post quoting you, you have a lot to learn. I hate to say it, but the way you are setting up this relationship I think you are creating some problems for the two of you. I also mentioned earlier not to leave the wrong impression with her family but I may have been too late on that comment. I'm sure their expectations are higher than you imagined.

I think you really need to scramble at this point. It's going to take a lot of long conversations between you and your future wife to set things straight. Concentrate on your relationship with her now. It may be hard for her to open up to you and express her true feelings at first. Be prepared for that. Don't try to control her every move, it will only lead to trouble.

Have you introduced her to any Filipinos here yet? They will be able to help explain things to her in her own language about your relationship with her family. She needs another friend here besides you. Preferably someone who has gone through what she's going through.

Good luck to both of you,

[sunandmoon 450]

I haven't told Gretchen or her parents yet, but those same people mama does not want her daughter to associate with will be the witnesses for the wedding here in the USA.

they bought a new purse for Gretchen and underwear (Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) as well which makes me believe they had the 6,000 php) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing.

these seem to be contradictory statements.

[fil01 16]

America is the only country which chooses to call the mentality "old fashioned".

pure bs!!

[Markieboy 104]

Oh boy...here we go again...

I understand the fact that you're not the most articulate person in the world, but do you think about what you say before you say it???

Some comments you made are very degrading and humiliating. Other comments just contradict themselves.

I believe much of the problems you are experiencing are the same problems YOU created.

(she is mine now. i told Gretchen "your parents no longer control you. I do.

Do you really believe this? Even though she may marry you in the near future, you must remember that she'll always have ties to her parents. She probably holds their advice and opinions with very high esteem and respect. That doesn't mean that her parents "control" her, and neither should you. I'm hoping you would want Gretchen to be a successful, independent woman who is capable of making her own intelligent decisions.

Gretchen is extremely happy I said this. It seems to have really improved our relationship.

I highly doubt both of these claims.

In general, women don't appreciate being treated like #######. They don't like to have their minds made for them. Instead, they prefer to be treated with love, respect and admiration. Putting these qualities into practice helps improves relationships.

gretchen is not property. Gretchen is mine just like I am hers. The idea is Gretchen and I are a family unit belonging to each other. Gretchen can make her own decisions. the idea is Gretchen and I make decisions together.

Again, contradictions. Is she capable of making her own decisions? Or do those decisions need approval from you first?

(Gretchen told them but not me which upset me) Either way, it has upset me and Gretchen now knows hiding things from me is a bad, bad thing. I have told Gretchen to tell me her needs and wants. Gretchen did not yet see herself as belonging to me while we were there.

It upset you that Gretchen willingly decided to give her mother P6,000? Seriously?

Perhaps if you weren't so controlling and dominating, Gretchen wouldn't feel the need to hide things from you. Have you considered that?

I hope I have finally cleared this up.

Nope, not in the slightest.

Gretchen now understands fully where I am coming from.

That's not necessarily a good thing.

[gretchen_darren 67]

ok, I know some parts of what I have said are objectionable to some. I hope people understand I do not "own" or "control" Gretchen except in sense which helps her to "feel" as such in her culture. Please note the phrase I posted means more in their culture, plus establishes me as the "role" in the family for me and Gretchen. I am having to walk a very hard line between being respectful, and dealing with other issues. AS for the people at the wedding. These are the "family" they introduced me to. Stating in the beginning these people were "family". Arrangements to have them at the wedding was made a long time ago just after Gretchen and I were engaged in order to provide witnesses for the finalizing of the k-1 visa to AOS. This was before the moeny I started sending to support Gretchen each month. There was a major falling out between families after my second visit. Not sure what it was, but believe it was related to support I was sending Gretchen. Seeing what I saw my last visit. I think it was the purchasing of furniture and other items for the house in June without telling me. Just taking the money and abusing what I was sending. the "family" who they introduced me to tried to warn the mother-in-law, but mama-in-law chose to ignore them. I am not sure the whole story yet. But I am digging very very deeply now before the wedding.

this is the part I am trying to deal with the demands for money from Kanos. I learned about the "what goes in, goes out". Having been working with Gretchen on it. However, the hard part is her turning over money to her parents, thinking I just had more money to give or for to support both me and Gretchen. I am trying not to offend people on here. Nor am I trying to offend her parents. However, I know I have to start setting some ground rules on money or I will go nuts trying to make everyone happy. then when I am broke no one will understand why in the heck we cannot send any money.

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth from village. Money to rent a jeepney. Money for class party. Money for a church seminar. No load on phone, No load in internet smart card. The phone you bought me went to my brother. I bought this phone with money you sent me, it now is going to my mother. Mother got electric to the house in her name. Some of the clothes I took for Gretchen ended up going to other aunts and cousins in the family. It was getting tiring for me. Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. Internet per month was only 1200 php (200php unlimited internet for 5 days, I found this out as leaving.) With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. Spending time with the kids. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

I am not trying to control. But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages. But the problem is the expectations. Somehow there is this thinking the money came in, just spend it. then when she runs out for load, he will send more. No thought as to how it made me feel when I found out what had been going on. You can say all you want about culture, this, that, robbing the cradle. But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

[analou scott 8]

View Postgretchen_darren, on 20 September 2011 - 07:02 AM, said:

I hope I have finally cleared this up.

Nope, not in the slightest.

:thumbs:

[gretchen_darren 67]

Oh boy...here we go again...

I understand the fact that you're not the most articulate person in the world, but do you think about what you say before you say it???

Some comments you made are very degrading and humiliating. Other comments just contradict themselves.

I believe much of the problems you are experiencing are the same problems YOU created.

Do you really believe this? Even though she may marry you in the near future, you must remember that she'll always have ties to her parents. She probably holds their advice and opinions with very high esteem and respect. That doesn't mean that her parents "control" her, and neither should you. I'm hoping you would want Gretchen to be a successful, independent woman who is capable of making her own intelligent decisions.

I highly doubt both of these claims.

In general, women don't appreciate being treated like #######. They don't like to have their minds made for them. Instead, they prefer to be treated with love, respect and admiration. Putting these qualities into practice helps improves relationships.

Again, contradictions. Is she capable of making her own decisions? Or do those decisions need approval from you first?

It upset you that Gretchen willingly decided to give her mother P6,000? Seriously?

Perhaps if you weren't so controlling and dominating, Gretchen wouldn't feel the need to hide things from you. Have you considered that?

Nope, not in the slightest.

That's not necessarily a good thing.

Please note, I am dealing with a tribal customs not todays mentality in most of the world. Everything Americans believe or hold true go out the door in this area. they are not barbaric, however, there are certain customs of a tribal nature which hold true. I am dealing with mentality of a "Kano" in their minds, plus the customs and traditions they hold to. What I am not posting is much more shocking then what I am posting. What I am learning and the translations would send most Americans into fits, tantrums, and human rights activists screaming.

[B_J 2,752]

ok, I know some parts of what I have said are objectionable to some. I hope people understand I do not "own" or "control" Gretchen except in sense which helps her to "feel" as such in her culture. Please note the phrase I posted means more in their culture, plus establishes me as the "role" in the family for me and Gretchen. I am having to walk a very hard line between being respectful, and dealing with other issues. AS for the people at the wedding. These are the "family" they introduced me to. Stating in the beginning these people were "family". Arrangements to have them at the wedding was made a long time ago just after Gretchen and I were engaged in order to provide witnesses for the finalizing of the k-1 visa to AOS. This was before the moeny I started sending to support Gretchen each month. There was a major falling out between families after my second visit. Not sure what it was, but believe it was related to support I was sending Gretchen. Seeing what I saw my last visit. I think it was the purchasing of furniture and other items for the house in June without telling me. Just taking the money and abusing what I was sending. the "family" who they introduced me to tried to warn the mother-in-law, but mama-in-law chose to ignore them. I am not sure the whole story yet. But I am digging very very deeply now before the wedding.

this is the part I am trying to deal with the demands for money from Kanos. I learned about the "what goes in, goes out". Having been working with Gretchen on it. However, the hard part is her turning over money to her parents, thinking I just had more money to give or for to support both me and Gretchen. I am trying not to offend people on here. Nor am I trying to offend her parents. However, I know I have to start setting some ground rules on money or I will go nuts trying to make everyone happy. then when I am broke no one will understand why in the heck we cannot send any money.

I mean things started getting out of hand on the second week being there in the village. Money to get home and for food. Money for a farewell party. Money to travel back and forth from village. Money to rent a jeepney. Money for class party. Money for a church seminar. No load on phone, No load in internet smart card. The phone you bought me went to my brother. I bought this phone with money you sent me, it now is going to my mother. Mother got electric to the house in her name. Some of the clothes I took for Gretchen ended up going to other aunts and cousins in the family. It was getting tiring for me. Also, please understand I have sent 160,000php since meeting Gretchen. the money was to support Gretchen. Internet per month was only 1200 php (200php unlimited internet for 5 days, I found this out as leaving.) With the money I sent, they could have bought a boat had they saved each month. But the money was spent on other items without thought to when Gretchen was leaving. Now Gretchen is seeing the living here. Wondering why no furniture yet. buying groceries. Spending time with the kids. My work. Gretchen is happy. But I feel so bad because of how much the trip bit into finances for home here. the first week was fine. the second week, in the village. The budget went nuts. It should have been less for just the two of us. But it absolutely went crazy. The harder I tried to keep on budget the worse it got. I spent nearly 60,000 php or better the second week compared with 35,000php the first week and I did not know the 6,000php was gone until Saturday, the 17th. Talk about being shocked.

I am not trying to control. But I went on a limited budget, with some allowances for overages. But the problem is the expectations. Somehow there is this thinking the money came in, just spend it. then when she runs out for load, he will send more. No thought as to how it made me feel when I found out what had been going on. You can say all you want about culture, this, that, robbing the cradle. But I feel so much like a schmuck over all the money sent.

You obviously spent too much money initially and now some think there is a never ending supply. Of course, you can't go back and change the past and I have no idea how to fix this situation you're in. Good luck with that. Honestly, I think Gretchen is going to have to explain to people back home what your budget is like.

my thoughts to you in the future; always read your posts a couple of times before hitting submit. There will be a lot less controversy for you then.

[gretchen_darren 67]

"Your parents no longer control you, I do"?????

I don't think I even know what to say to that!

This is a tribal custom. A right of passage into marriage for a girl. It is the changing of being a child into being a responsible adult. I am having to research the old tribal customs of the philippines to even understand these things myself. I am involved in many tribal customs having to be performed. I just wish I knew how to explain it. It is more closely related to native american customs then anything else I can find. But even then the customs as still different.

[DouglasFiel 53]

Lots of red flags here,,, and some of making your own bed and now you have to sleep in it.

However, all is not lost just need to scale expectations and move forward cautiously.

Perhaps, start with income replacement (Her leaving could leave a hole in the extended

families finances).

My wife a new nurse,,, in the Philippines could make 10 to 15k pesos per month. That

might be a good target (if you can afford it) to start with. Once she starts working

in the US,, then she can send a mutually agreeable monthly stipend to help her family.

Just a thought.

Regards,