Language - Going from foreign to english at home

[106206 15]

My wife is from Venezuela and I am American. We are both ethnically half Italian and both speak Italian and that is our shared cultural connection. Note we both learned Italian in our 20s not as a native language at home, we're not immigrants from Italy, etc.

We met here in the USA, and while we both speak English and Spanish, our most universally fluent language is Italian. So, we've literally spoken that every day since our first words to each other.

What we are finding is that it is very hard to break the barrier of speaking only in Italian. We will talk in Spanish maybe 5% of the time and English another 5% but to just say OK we are going to start talking in English all the time seems really weird. If I cut into Spanish she reverts into Italian, and if I start speaking into English she will do the same.

She is enrolled at an ESL program at a very good University here, taking 4 classes (20 hours a week) and doing anywhere from 2-4 hours of homework a day, so she is basically "working" 30+ hours a week learning English. This program is 8 weeks long, she is at the halfway point, and is kind of burnt. She wants to do the next sequence (it is level 1-7 and she came in at level 4) for 2 classes (writing & grammar) as she feels like this is overload; she is mentally drained every day.

What I want to know is how others have gone from a situation like ours with another language being the dominant one then how they migrated to English. Is it normal to keep speaking the foreign language at home and in casual situations outside of the house? I think that maybe I need to just start talking to her in English only, but I'm afraid her head might explode. And while I could spend the rest of my days talking Italian with her, we're in the USA not Italy. So at some point I feel like we need to hang it up and just start talking English as the predominant language. Or move to Italy which would be fine!

Any experiences to share would be helpful for us!

Edited September 20, 2011 by caterino

[garrobito 1]

Hi there!

I speak Spanish, English and Italian; I considered myself fluent on these language but when I'm home I speak mostly Spanish with my folks.

I think you can speak one day just English and another Italian if you want; for dominate better the language I always see TV on English with caption; that help a lot with pronunciation and grammatical questions.

For somebody who have little knowledge on English dominate more or less the language could take between one to 3 years.. give a little more time at your partner... Believe me, it's not that easy..

Good luck!

[Mononoke28 134]

We speak Spanish 99% of the time because it's extremely uncomfortable for us, this is inside the home and outside as well. I know that my husband would benefit more from us speaking English at home so he can practice but it's awkward and fake, it's just weird.

So I say, speak what you want at home or out on the street, whatever makes you comfortable. Also, ask your wife if she wants you to speak English at home to help her out while she's learning, it's really up to her.

Diana

[106206 15]

Thank you for the replies, its helpful to hear that others have worked through this.

I think that her doing the hardcore ESL program is giving her more of what she needs and when she comes home she can at least relax a bit.

Although I will say I didn't know how poor I was at my own language until I have spent 1 hour a night helping her with her homework. Who knew the 5th grade would come back to haunt me!

Edited September 20, 2011 by caterino

[catracha85 6]

My husband and I, we both speak english and spanish. He prefered talking english at all times. He accused me, that because of my faulth, he have now a slight accent, because he now talks more spanish

and he talks to me in english and I answer in spanish, simply because I just don't want to answer him in english, because...??? ummm idk.! So, you just talk in what ever language makes you comfortable.

[fozzie 41]

Surely if you will be living in the US it would make sense to make every effort to make English your primary language. I just feel like you would limit your opportunities any other way.

[106206 15]

Surely if you will be living in the US it would make sense to make every effort to make English your primary language. I just feel like you would limit your opportunities any other way.

I think that it is hard to disagree that the more you use English the better you will get at it.

The question at hand here is how much is critical mass before it becomes counter productive. She just came home with 3 hours of homework on critical writing and grammar, that was after 4 hours of class work, and taking a train home carrying 20 lbs of books for a mile. For some poeple that's a light day. For her that's a lot, and if I start hammering her in English the wagon wheels are going to get wobbly and fall off.

I think that there's only so much change we can expect people to absorb and still be able to have fun. We are newlyweds and these early days will define our marriage and how we treat each other. So I'll try to just be supportive, help her with her english without coddling her or being overly defensive. She'll figure it out, she's a smart cookie.

[yachachiq12 43]

Surely if you will be living in the US it would make sense to make every effort to make English your primary language. I just feel like you would limit your opportunities any other way.

Are you aware that there are now more "non-white" babies than "white" babies born in the US? Over 50% of Americans are going to be of ethnic minorities in the most recent generation. A good percentage of those will not be speaking English at home. The OP is doing the right thing by supporting his wife in her intensive English course. However, the language one feels comfortable speaking with one's family does not limit their opportunities otherwise.

The 2010 US Census found that 20% of persons under age 5 speak a language other than English at home: http://factfinder2.census.gov/faces/tableservices/jsf/pages/productview.xhtml?pid=ACS_10_1YR_S1601&prodType=table

That's 2% higher than the 2000 Census indicated: http://www.census.gov/population/cen2000/phc-t20/tab05.pdf

OP, seems you should speak the language that makes you both feel comfortable. Let her get through her coursework and then she can reach out to you in English when she's prepared (if at all; she may find she only wishes to use her skill with non-family). When out with friends, speak their language so there is no sense of concealment or bad manners.

By the way, I accidentally pressed "+1" when intending to reply. I take it back

[TBoneTX 45,014]

No matter how I practice, whenever I try to say ANYTHING in Spanish, people look alarmed and immediately point me toward the nearest bathroom, si man...

[garrobito 1]

No matter how I practice, whenever I try to say ANYTHING in Spanish, people look alarmed and immediately point me toward the nearest bathroom, si man...

jajajja.. Yep... Don't try to mess con el idioma de Cervantes...

Anyway back to the point about how much... I think more class is not gonna give at your wife better skills on English; she need to understand learn a language take time and patience...

Best regard

[fozzie 41]

Are you aware that there are now more "non-white" babies than "white" babies born in the US? Over 50% of Americans are going to be of ethnic minorities in the most recent generation. A good percentage of those will not be speaking English at home. The OP is doing the right thing by supporting his wife in her intensive English course. However, the language one feels comfortable speaking with one's family does not limit their opportunities otherwise.

The 2010 US Census found that 20% of persons under age 5 speak a language other than English at home: http://factfinder2.c...&prodType=table

That's 2% higher than the 2000 Census indicated: http://www.census.go...c-t20/tab05.pdf

OP, seems you should speak the language that makes you both feel comfortable. Let her get through her coursework and then she can reach out to you in English when she's prepared (if at all; she may find she only wishes to use her skill with non-family). When out with friends, speak their language so there is no sense of concealment or bad manners.

By the way, I accidentally pressed "+1" when intending to reply. I take it back

Nobody said anything about 'white' or 'non-white' babies, so don't start! Is there a "-1" button? if there were i'd hit it.

My point is thus: Your employment opportunities are limited if you do not become fluent in English. By all means speak Italian, Spanish, Chinese or whatever you want but being fluent in English will enable you to have better opportunities and therefore the chance of a better life for your family. Being Bi-lingual/tri-lingual will be a huge benefit to you even if you later move to Italy or Spain or stay here. Many companies want people who can speak spanish in their ranks but not at the expense of English.

[yachachiq12 43]

Nobody said anything about 'white' or 'non-white' babies, so don't start! Is there a "-1" button? if there were i'd hit it.

My point is thus: Your employment opportunities are limited if you do not become fluent in English. By all means speak Italian, Spanish, Chinese or whatever you want but being fluent in English will enable you to have better opportunities and therefore the chance of a better life for your family. Being Bi-lingual/tri-lingual will be a huge benefit to you even if you later move to Italy or Spain or stay here. Many companies want people who can speak spanish in their ranks but not at the expense of English.

You're getting closer to responding to the OP's original question, but not quite getting it. He wants to know if it's normal that they speak Italian at home and when out in public together. Obviously they are already confronting the issue of improving her fluency for professional purposes. He's asking about personal purposes.

Your initial comment smelled of ethnocentrism and you're mitigating here. My point about demography is that "if you're living in the US, speak English" just isn't going to cut it for much longer.

Bottom line to anyone in this situation: if you want to speak Klingon at home, go for it. If your ESL spouse is making efforts to improve their English fluency outside the home, don't go overboard by forcing the practice and make them shut down. Speaking English should be fun!

[fozzie 41]

You're getting closer to responding to the OP's original question, but not quite getting it. He wants to know if it's normal that they speak Italian at home and when out in public together. Obviously they are already confronting the issue of improving her fluency for professional purposes. He's asking about personal purposes.

Your initial comment smelled of ethnocentrism and you're mitigating here. My point about demography is that "if you're living in the US, speak English" just isn't going to cut it for much longer.

Bottom line to anyone in this situation: if you want to speak Klingon at home, go for it. If your ESL spouse is making efforts to improve their English fluency outside the home, don't go overboard by forcing the practice and make them shut down. Speaking English should be fun!

At no point did I even suggest it was a case of "if you're living in the US, speak English", neither has anyone else. Also you are the one who introduced ethnicity into the conversation.

My point is that the best way to become fluent in a language is to immerse yourself in it and use it on a daily basis so my advice is to try and use it at home too. They are under no obligation to do this and I am sure it will be difficult to communicate with each other which is the bedrock of a good relationship. Therefore try and use it home in conversation but revert to the language you are most comfortable with when you really need to communicate. It's just advice, take it or leave it but if your English language skills are only sufficient to get by you will rarely rise to the top of any career in the US or create strong friendships outside your own immediate community.

Edited September 24, 2011 by fozzie

[yachachiq12 43]

Surely if you will be living in the US it would make sense to make every effort to make English your primary language. I just feel like you would limit your opportunities any other way.

This obviously deserved more nuanced explanation than you gave it if that was not your intention.

[106206 15]

I just saw the replies. Thank you again. Interesting way how the dialogue evolved.

She and I certainly get how important English is in America particularly in a work enviornment. I am in a professional / exec role and see how even native speakers are limited sometimes by how they use English.

My question was less about the work part (that seems obvious to us) and more about the relationship part.

I don't want her to feel overburdened and I don't want to create a goofy dynamic in the relationship. I want to be a good husband and a good supporter and not lose the magic between us. But yes obviously want to help her out. I'm the one who found this ESL program. But it was up to her to decide to try it. I'm trying to be her husband & not her dad.

She is being pushed to her limits with this ESL program now for 30h a week. To me I like to be in over my head and excel when failure is a possible, if not likely outcome. But for her not so much. She's not from a culture where they do it differently. So if I start talking with her in english and she is having that hammered into her head 24x7 at some point she is going to blow a circuit. If she was like me that would be different. But if she was like me we probably not be a good couple

Thanks