Have I been used?/Is she using me?

[Manda_Uk 2]

You ask 'What did I do wrong'? but I think your missing the point. This isn't about what you did as it sounds like you did absolutely everything you could to be a good husband and to try to make the marriage a good one. This is completely about her and her problems and not what you did to cause her to act like that. I know its very difficult to not take things personally in this kind of situation but really look at the evidence and try to be objective.

I'm not sure what her problem is, I'm not even sure if it sounds like she is using you for a visa because she's not being very subtle if that is in fact what she is doing.But its not our job here to speculate what her issues are you have asked for advice about your situation and I think everyone here is in

agreement that you should move on. It doesn't sound like you have moved her to the US yet or signed a I-864 so that makes the situation A LOT easier.

Regarding the comment about seeing her with someone else - if you decide to move on I would strongly suggest cutting all ties with her there is no point in torturing yourself like that by keeping informed of what she is up to. Why would you ever even need to see her again if you don't live in the same country? Also to go back to a previous point you need to focus on yourself more and stop trying to figure out her problems.

You sound like a more than decent person and so there will be someone out there for you who is better suited to you and will love you for who you are I know it sounds cheesy but its true. Don't let anyone take advantage of you like that. I wish you the best of luck

[bradphatcharin 0]

Dude there are so many great woman out there!!! took me 3 times to find a lady so sweet!

Just leave and learn from this,,she don't deserve you!!! best to you!!!

[EAbbas 213]

I'm sincerely flattered. Thank you, si man.

I normally read entire threads before posting anything, but I stopped here to write, because you asked.

I took a break to put Mrs. T-B. in bed. I told her briefly that a dude on the Visa group is married to a Latina who won't talk to him, doesn't pay attention to him, won't be intimate with him, and he wants to know if he's being used. Her eyebrows went up and she said, "Of course."

I went approximately 19 years between marriages, with a lot of dry spells (no dates when I was aching for them) and a lot of truly awful first-and-only dates. My standards were that I would not see anybody twice if I got the sense that my humanity, thoughts, ideas, plans, or feelings were being disrespected or disregarded. After getting home from dates like that, I'd swallow my disappointment, briefly acknowledge the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and hold a little ceremony where I'd take her phone number or business card, purposefully tear it in half over the trash can, and drop it in as I watched. Then, I'd say aloud in a purposely hopeful tone, "Who's next?" When I determined on April 1, 2006 (no foolin') that the available pool of American women was not going to improve in quality, I resolved to find a worthy, compatible Latina. On December 29, Mrs. T-B.-to-be came to my attention, and the rest has become happy history.

Amigo, you're not just being disrespected and disregarded -- you're being disdained. I had a few experiences like that, and I couldn't WAIT to get away from them. I swear that some of them wouldn't have thought twice about staking me buck-naked and spread-eagled in the desert, then pouring honey and fire-ants atop me. They had that level of depth, humanity, and sensitivity. Yours gives the same kind of a #######.

The good news -- actually, great news -- is that she's saving you a lot of time. You know the truth about her now, before you get twisted in your own underwear personally, financially, or situationally. Your path is clear. Make your "freedom" phone call as others have recommended: "We're getting divorced; please don't contact me again; good luck in your future endeavors." Should she protest then or afterwards, the response is "The decision has been made, and the decision is final." Those are to be your last and only words with her, upon any subsequent contact.

You're so lucky that you haven't filed papers for her! Mrs. T-B. asked whether you had, and she sounded very happy on your behalf to hear that you had not. This will be the easiest, most straightforward break that anyone could have. You're extremely fortunate. Furthermore, I can tell just from the first three pages of this thread that even though you've decided to feel damaged and take this non-relationship personally, you have more strength and resolve than did the forlorn Mcat.

One has to make the decision whether a relationship, like a car, requires maintenance or repair. A good relationship requires only maintenance -- little actions and expressions that keep it running smoothly and happily. A junker car requires good money thrown after bad, week after month after year, and regardless of how attached you may have become to that vehicle, it will no longer take you anywhere. Yours is such a non-relationship that it doesn't even have wheel rims. It's a vehicle to nowhere.

Look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself aloud: "What kind of wife do I want, and how am I going to get her? What changes must I make within myself? What personal qualities and treatment of me will I not compromise my time and principles on?" The man in the mirror may not have your best interests at heart right now, because he's a little conflicted. Make sure that you regularly tell him exactly where you stand, especially at first, and make damned sure that he knows and remembers it, until he believes it just as strongly as you do.

The hierarchy of personal happiness is, from best to worst:

1. Happily married

2. Happily single

3. Unhappily single

4. Unhappily married.

You're situationally at #4 and functionally at #3, with #2 very much within range and grasp. Make that one phone call, hang up, sit down, crack a celebratory beer, and announce aloud to no one in particular except yourself and the whole world out there, "I'm free!" Before you know it, you'll have a whole world of women available who will join you in -- and treat you as -- #1.

Si, man.

TBone.. what a great post and giving your personal experience hopefully will help this man get his life back together.

It is unfortunate that there are individuals out there who do prey on others like this to gain benefits, money or more. There are countries that it is high fraud (pakistan included) I just thank God that my relationship over the last 3 years iwth my husband has been nothing more than genuine and real. I feel so sorry for these ppl who have been the victims of others and their scams... When we got married we talked about me living in paksitan.. him coming here was not the first choice but since i have small children it was the only choice for now. Cos in USA you cant take children overseas without the permission of the ex spouse and that wasnt going to happen and I cant leave them here alone. So for us, at this moment it is the only option but we havent totally given up the idea that in the future we may move back to pakistan for a few years.

He never asked me for money, he never asked me for anything... just my love and sincerity... when you have a respectful loving marriage you talk a lot and understand eachother without giving up who you are... your spouse should be understanding and supportive and compromise does come with a marriage... both parties compromise for the benefit of the marriage. There are struggles in every marriage but its the way both parties answer to the call of the struggle that either makes or breaks a marriage.

I put my husband first in our marriage and he puts me first... together both our needs are met and our love grows stronger. If one of us was only giving it all that isnt a marriage. A marriage should never be what can you do for me but what can i do for you... if both parties do this the marriage is solid.

I wish you luck in whatever you decide but as TBone stated its fortunate you ahve not applied for her at all and can make the break without the extra money of filing... just the loss of funds you ahve already given to her. Cut your losses now.. take time to grieve.. your first thought at this time should be yourself... take care of you.. as you are the most important right now.

[BangasWifeJA 0]

Hi your story sounds crazy! I'm a woman and yes she is using you!!!! I can relate to how you may feel being a petitioner, but if your story is valid RUN! If u go back there I hope its 4 a divorce, don't even try 2 work it out! Good luck.

[Daniel&Theary 30]

RUN FOREST RUN......... DONT BE ON THE HOOK FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT LOVE YOU

[krieg_n_aice 2]

She does not deserve someone like you...

Get on with your life and find your own happiness.

[puru444 44]

You already got so many replies and I agree with them.

But, ur life will become more worse when she will get a greencard and comes to US. There are many cases out there where husbands have to pay their spouses on monthly basis a large amount of their salary plus shares assets as well, Men has to take care of kids whereas her spouse lives without any care and responsibility with her boyfriend and has tendency to switch new boyfriend although they dnt have any tension bcoz they gt a strong financial flow of funds by their hubby.

She might file a suit against you and the law will goes in favor of women's right and the whole matter will pull you in no where situation like black hole. Her intention is not good, all what she wants from you NOT ONLY greencard but money as well. Its high time for you, i suggest you to take a divorce asap bcoz once she comes there you never know how much u have to pay for ur lifetime mistake and ur remaining life will become hell. Dont take risk by knowing all these circumstances, its a question abt ur life, u should get an advise by immigration attorney and he will depicts the real picture of ur black future in front of you. Pull back urself its never too late unless u wont be able to do anything and left behind with dead hopes and regret for a lifetime.

Right now, you are feeling very bad and ur very upset bcoz of her behaviour. I think ur lucky to get a chance to see the reality before she joins you, god is helping you and giving u hints to make ur life better and beautiful rather than spoiling it on anybody who's not even bother about ur father's death ........ Im sorry but if I were at ur place i throw her outta of ma life at that very day, seriously i dnt understand how can u tolerate all these things .......

Best of luck for ur future, i hope everythng will be alright but it seems very difficult and next to impossible after reading ur problems.

[lentoush 0]

Honestly,

She doesn't love you. Do yourself a favor... file a divorce or annulment or whatever legally makes the most sense to protect yourself and cut her off. Do not continue to torture yourself, it is very unlikely that she will love you. It is questionable if she ever loved you seeing as the transformation happened so fast.

This is not a reflection on you. You did nothing wrong, and you are a good person. Even more, it is not a reflection on the ability of other people to love you...

However, you should look into yourself and find out why you wish to be treated this way. Generally if you have to ask the question, then you already know the answer. What I mean by this is that if you have to ask if the girl is using you and present evidence, then you already know that she is. The question you need to be asking is why are you allowing her to use her. What does she provide you with by abusing you. Rather than focusing your time on questioning how you can get rid of her emotionally and why you can not move on or whether you can get her back or any of those other things, you should close that connection and focus your attention on figuring out how you can transform your feelings and behaviors to something that would be more healthy and lead to your happiness rather than your constant misery.

I tell you the above from experience. I sat where you sat some years ago... afraid to leave someone who clearly was not into me, I had strong evidence was cheating on me, and whatever else... I've moved on and a few years later I am with someone who loves me very much, and you can be there too, or you can be happily single as one of the other people pointed out (I went through that phase as well). Simply you must begin to value yourself enough that this sort of abuse shouldn't be tolerated. At one point, I couldn't dream of leaving a person who treated me like your wife has started treating you.... now I cannot imagine not walking away... if my fiancé suddenly turned into that on a constant basis.. even after she has become my wife... I would not hesitate to face the fact, cut rope, and move on. The first time hurts a lot... the second time stings.. the third time you get used to it and after the fourth you realize the fact of the world and deal with it...

The sooner you cut and run, the sooner the healing begins.. I wish you luck and I understand your pain.. you have some dark times ahead of you, but keep your eye on the light because life is worth while on the other side. I recommend traveling.. from a brain chemistry perspective the adrenaline and dopamine rush from this activity will keep you going (but clearly I would not recommend latin countries.. places that won't remind you of her help).

Good luck

lentoush

[Josie-Be-Happy 11]

Heres the facts and ill tell it from another angle and then you can decide. Every time i visit my Fiancee she is there waiting for me with a huge smile and we make love, real passionate love like it has been an eternity since we last seen each other. When i leave her shes in tears or at least the first few times, now we are both very sad but have come to terms that ill always go back until shes here with me. My Fiancee shows some jealousy but in a good way, a way that lets me know she cares. We talk every day for the last year and a half for 3-5 hours a day and even im at work shell text me on her lunch breaks to see how i am doing. This is the exact opposite of what you have described and i would have been running by now. I hope you move on and wish you the best of luck but it seems pretty clear to everyone here whats going on.

I'm with you on that one. My husband is from Lebanon and there is a 9 hour time difference. We make sacrifices every day just to be able to talk and see each other. I send him a loving text message every night so that when he wakes up, he sees it. One day I forgot to send him a text message and he was disappointed. It's the little things that we do that makes a relationship stronger. I talk to him on Yahoo when I am at work and there is not a day that goes by where we don't say good night or I love you before he goes to bed. When I visit my husband, it gets harder every time because we both know I have to leave and go back to the US. Our last trip, we got married in Cyprus and spent some time in Lebanon. We both were sad about me leaving when we still had 4 days left. We both could feel it, saw the pain in our eyes. He stayed at the airport and watched me until he could not see me anymore. And when I got on the plane prior to departure, he sent me a text message telling me that our trip together was the best days of his life. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with out him.

OP - you stated that you didn't contact her for 3 weeks and she never even called you to see how you were doing? Wow, that says a lot. You contemplated suicide?? Please don't think this way, even if you feel you have hit rock bottom. The lack of support she gave you when your father passed away is horrible no matter if she knew your father or not. A good wife cares about how her husband feels. When my husband is sad, I am sad, we both can feel it. You also mentioned that you got sick when you went to visit her and she did absolutely nothing and just left you there by yourself. On my second trip to Lebanon, I got sick, have no idea from what, but my husband took care of me, got me some medicine and made sure that I was okay every time he had to leave the apartment and he would call and check on me.

You know what you have to do, stop thinking about what you had with her...really, you had nothing and she had everything. I wish you the very best.

[habibi83 12]

I would also like to add, after much thought of not wanting to add it, but I will share it with everyone to let you's know and help me understand better my situation.....

We have sex (when I'm there) MAYBE ONCE every week to two weeks. And when we do, it lasts five minutes because she tells me "hurry up and finish". Like, we will start, and within 5 minutes, she will say "hurry up, finish already!!!"...

And I feel like I've been used or i'm some sort of prostitute. I feel really bad inside,and my self-esteem goes right down the drain,because that is something very intimate. I become afraid to even want to attempt it again with her out of fear of her saying that again which she usually always does.

When it does happen,she makes sure that it happens in the morning, to avoid doing it at night time with me.

When I leave to come back to the U.S...I know that it will be like 3 months before I will see her next, so the night before I leave, well, I want to make the most of it as possible knowing we wont see each other for a while, and well....it either doesnt happen at all, or it will happen for only 5 minutes and thats it.

And I KNOW what she was like with her ex boyfriends,because she would OPENLY tell me what she used to do with them. And me being her husband, she doesnt do the same+more with me, I feel really bad.

Like....she doesn't talk about having kids with me. BEFORE we got married she would, but its like as soon as we got married, the topic is like pure taboo with her.

She'll see me off at the airport,...and I don't know ***sigh***,I will be crying, and she is just there without any emotion at all in her face, like she doesn't care I'm leaving, and its been like this basically with EVERY SINGLE VISIT. Because I will constantly look back when Im boarding the plane,...and most of the time,she won't even stay to see it go, she'll just walk out and leave the airport.

I HAD a sponsor, but one day, the person that was going to sponsor her, came up to me and said "I dont feel right about sponsoring someone I dont even know and being responsable for that person for the next 10+ years." (and I hadn't even told him about my situation)

So I knew that I was most probably going to have to move to HER COUNTRY for a while until we could figure things out. I do have a job offer there,...and a good one, BUT I just simply don't see the point going to live there if Im going to be in that situation. If she was not like that, then of course I'd go in a heartbeat.

But I always feel like "why would I move there,just for her to treat me like some type of "friend" IF THAT, for just financial support.

She is in her mid 30's...and from a CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY...which for me is EXTREMELY WIERD because I know how the culture is, and the women usually take VERY GOOD CARE of their men due to the culture,..... she however is the complete opposite.

I'm sorry if I'm bothering everyone,..its just that I can't understand WHAT I've done wrong,...everytime she's needed money, I've sent it to her in good faith, even if it meant I went hungry or without my basic needs. When im THERE in HER COUNTRY, I'd do everything possible for her,...I'd bring her food to her work because for some strange reason when I was there, she never came home to eat, but when i was not there, she would come home to eat.

Its hard, because when Im there,..the time is as most of you's know from experience, the time is SHORT, so you want to make the most of it. Well...when Im there, on the weekends instead of going out with me,...she just sleeps. And me??..well..bored watching t.v.

=(...Am I THAT BLIND??..am I THAT DUMB?? am I THAT STUPID?? have I been used that easily???

Well just a quick reply to ur posting. I am also in a long distance marriage and it is very difficult since it's impossible to be with the person on day to day basis to see exactly how they are and what they are about. From what you say about ur wife she sounds very cold toward you, especially since she is a latin woman. These type of women act totally opposit and are known to be warm and all about family and their men. What my advise to you would be since you are able to get work there, move there. Tell her you can't wait any longer to be with her and you've decided to stop the visa process and you will be moving there. THEN YOU WILL SEE HER TRUE REACTION. If she wants you for you, then she will accept you moving to her. If she wants to be with you only to "improve" her own life, then she will not want you to come. If I was in ur situation, I would move there for at least several months and try to live there with her and that way you will see what kind of person she is. DO NOT SEND HER ANY MORE MONEY! Suprise her, tell her the process is stoped and you will finally be together because you are moving there (but do not actually stop the process yet). you will get your answer based on her reaction. Good luck.

This immigration process sometimes is very long for a reason...somehow true colors of the other person come out and its better if the truth comes out before she gets here.

[habibi83 12]

I'm with you on that one. My husband is from Lebanon and there is a 9 hour time difference. We make sacrifices every day just to be able to talk and see each other. I send him a loving text message every night so that when he wakes up, he sees it. One day I forgot to send him a text message and he was disappointed. It's the little things that we do that makes a relationship stronger. I talk to him on Yahoo when I am at work and there is not a day that goes by where we don't say good night or I love you before he goes to bed. When I visit my husband, it gets harder every time because we both know I have to leave and go back to the US. Our last trip, we got married in Cyprus and spent some time in Lebanon. We both were sad about me leaving when we still had 4 days left. We both could feel it, saw the pain in our eyes. He stayed at the airport and watched me until he could not see me anymore. And when I got on the plane prior to departure, he sent me a text message telling me that our trip together was the best days of his life. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like with out him.

OP - you stated that you didn't contact her for 3 weeks and she never even called you to see how you were doing? Wow, that says a lot. You contemplated suicide?? Please don't think this way, even if you feel you have hit rock bottom. The lack of support she gave you when your father passed away is horrible no matter if she knew your father or not. A good wife cares about how her husband feels. When my husband is sad, I am sad, we both can feel it. You also mentioned that you got sick when you went to visit her and she did absolutely nothing and just left you there by yourself. On my second trip to Lebanon, I got sick, have no idea from what, but my husband took care of me, got me some medicine and made sure that I was okay every time he had to leave the apartment and he would call and check on me.

You know what you have to do, stop thinking about what you had with her...really, you had nothing and she had everything. I wish you the very best.

Hello,

I just love your post! My husband is Egyptian and we have a very similar situation. We just had one year anniversay, we got married in cairo, Egypt sep 15,2010. We are waiting for him to get an interview at U.S. Embassy in Cairo. We have both good and bad times but we find a way together to make it work. We have talked every single day since the day he proposed to me (last June). It's a long and difficult process but God willing it will be over soon. Good luck to you!

[Darnell 8,479]

i vote for 'you've been used'. I won't even ask about the bedroom activities.

[Penny Lane 8,159]

WELL, I didn't call her for like 3 weeks THINKING she'd call me....and she didn't. And I felt that 3 weeks was WAAAAYYY too long on her part.

Wow, that says a lot right there. I know if my fiance didn't call me for 3 DAYS, I'd be absolutely worried sick thinking something awful had happened to him. Three weeks tells me that she couldn't care less about you.

Let this girl go. You seem like a good guy, and you deserve better than this. Don't spend any more money on her. Don't marry her. Don't bring her over to the US. Cut your ties and move on with your life.

[NoneYa 73]

I was taken advantage of once but mine wasn't as obvious as yours. Let me tell you what the result was. It cost me $ 100,000 after we were married and divorced in less than 3 years. I moved out of my own house to get her to leave. I was finally able to get back in my house 10 months after I filed for divorce. She would not leave. What that taught me was that if I ever got married again, I would never marry someone based on what they tell me. Words are cheap. I also would not trust any woman until they were trust worthy. I would marry someone based on their actions. My first advice to myself, don't date or marry a party girl. If they spend their time in bars even occassionally, that is not what I want. I wanted someone to be a mother and good wife and a woman that goes to bars is not ready for marriage in my mind. Also, love is a two way street. If I couldn't find someone as excited to be with me why would I pursue it? Why would you call her if she doesn't call you?

I am glad you are asking for advice and I don't know the details but you sound like a great guy, with little dating experience with deceitful women , she's probably much younger and prettier than you are used to which keeps you hanging on. Remember, that beauty is only skin deep. When you find out she is lying to you... she will be the ugliest person you have ever met. You keep trying to work this out??? This woman might as well hold up a sign saying "I only love your money. Not you!". By the way, my fiancee has told me multiple times not to send anymore money, she doesn't need it and she works.

Let me tell you friend. You are not 1/10th of the way there in expense or heart ache yet. I would send her an email with your concerns and then she will call you crying. If you argue with her about it you are a fool. The email at the end should say "Good Bye !". There are a million women out there and it only took me about a month to find the best one for me but I had to take the chance and fly 8,000 miles to meet her. She now contacts me twice a day before and after work, we have none of the problems you do. I would throw that Shark back and go get an Angel fish. You could stay in the game and get abused like I was but I don't think you make the money I do and it will probably ruin your life where it only took me about 4 years to recover emotionally and financially. Kick her to the curb now !

[haveibeenused 1]

i vote for 'you've been used'. I won't even ask about the bedroom activities.

I was waiting for you to comment as well..you and TXbone in particular you's two.

Well...its like everytime I think about the sitation,more "un-normal" things keep comming up...

For example...

-She after more than 1 year, didn't even know the city I was born in

-After more than 1 year, didn't even know what the names of my parents were

-After more than 1 year, didn't even know the town that I grew up in

I mean...to me, thats just "trivial", and she didn't even know that. And we'd argue A LOT over things like that. I would always say to her "you don't even know what the name of the town that I was born in,but yet you want me to file your papers to live in the U.S."

Its like nothing with her ever made sense and I would be there sitting there ALL night thinking "WHAT" have I done wrong...where did I go wrong,..."what" did I do to her...

Love really is blind...