Have I been used?/Is she using me?

[love02maroc 0]

Wow, I'm sorry OP. She seems very cold. I am a Latina myself. Therefore, I can tell you that we are not like that! When two people are in love, all they want to do is be with each other every second, if possible. I do agree with you that she should treat you a million times better than she did with her ex-boyfriends. Just the fact that you are her husband means she should be devoted to you. If she can't be there for you in the lowest points of your life, than she is not living up to the "wife" title she holds onto. If you are putting in 100% into the relationship and she's only putting in 50% or less, than this won't work out. You will always be let down. Like my parents always taught me "the beginning is when they he/she should be at their very best behavior, anything that you don't like from the beginning, will only get worse." She obviously does not seem like she is in love with you, I'm sorry. Love is out their waiting for you, don't waste your time!

[charlize56 4]

it so obvious that shes just using you! from what u wrote here,i think youre such a nice guy,you deserve a good woman.you can find a good women and stop comunicating with your wife,she really doesnt love you.for ldr without talking in 3weeks damn im goin crazy without talking to the person i love! when my fiance is so busy at his work and didnt call me,i make sure i will call him,to check if his okay,even if i didnt have money. theres a saying if theres a will,theres a way and that is love!

[haveibeenused 1]

Test her dude!... Say to her that process cost about 20 grands! and take about 3 years.... and you dont have money at the moment... so, she will say what really think!

already told her that too!

[inlababo 1]

I do not know what to do,and maybe I am TOO BLIND to see the REALITY but I need honest opinions/answers.

I met a girl in 2009 and after a few visits, we decided we would get married. So, in december of that year we got married. But its almost as if that same night,she changed. And here is what I will explain.

She became unemployed and wanted to start a business,but had no money, and I,out of good faith, sent her money to be able to start this business,and because those particular items were expensive there, I purchased them here at half the price to be able to help her out. I had already visited her twice at this time.

The night of our wedding,when we were meant to have the "first dance" as the newly wedded couple in front of 200+ people,she didn't want to, because she said she was "embarrassed" by it and did not want to do it, and I felt very bad inside because to me, I felt that it was the most important/intimate/special moment of our lives getting married. Well...the wedding went from 7:00-1:00 in the morning, and then after that, when we got home, I THOUGHT that we were going to have a "romantic" rest of the night,...but we never even "consumated" the marriage, instead...she just went to sleep. She just simply said "i'm tired, i'm going to bed"

So I felt that was very wierd that those 2 things occurred on our wedding night. Anyways, I left 4 weeks later because I had to return to keep studying.

And I returned in may of 2010. Everytime I go down there, I always make sure to bring her something. But when I get there, she asks me straight away BEFORE asking how I am "so what did you bring me?!?!?", and well, we get to her place, and so she asks me that again, and I give it to her, and as soon as I have given her the things that I have brought for her, its almost as if her interest immediately turns off.Like I don't exist.

So while I was down there, I also found out that a particular ex boyfriend from 2-3 years previous kept sending her emails with photos of them when they were together and she would keep them and I personally felt that it was very disrespectful since I am married to her. And only after begging her to get rid of them, did she get rid of them. She states that there is nothing anymore between them, but that day until the day I left in August 2010, I felt very unawkward with her.

So in DECEMBER of that same year (2010)I decided to take her to a place for vacation, and there was a beach there, we went for like 5 days. On the beach, everytime I tried to walk close to her to put my arm around her or hold her hand, she would just walk away, and when we ate together, there was nothing but this dead silence, and I would try to start a conversation with her, and she wouldn't talk at all. I did not know WHAT was wrong, I asked her and she said "oh nothing"

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, after this particular continual "strange behaviour" I asked her family/friends "Is she just like this with me?? or was she like this with all her ex boyfriends???"

And to my surprise, her brother said "She always cooked for all her ex boyfriends everytime they came over and had it ready for them"...and for me,she won't even make me a sandwich. I am the one that has to cook, if I dont cook...we don't eat. She is from a CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY.

So, I also said to them "she ses she never stayed out late either",and immediately her freinds replied "noooo,she used to stay out until 4:00-5:00 in the morning in night clubs with her ex boyfriends dancing with them and partying"....but yet with ME on our wedding night and even after, I can't get her to dance with me(we have not even danced once yet as a couple) and she ALWAYS wants to go to bed early at like 10:00-11:00 everytime I'm there.

One day, she left open her email, and well, I saw ALOT of attatchment photos from a year or so previos before I was in her life. And when I opened up the photos, they were all still with her ex boyfriends, all smiling and happy,...but yet with me, there is not a single photo where she is smiling.

Whenever we talk, she only asks me "what" am I going to bring her, and "why" haven't I done her papers yet. Well...after the may 2010 incident, I started to become skeptical about even doing her papers because I thought "if shes like this now, I dont want to know what she'll be like if/when I bring her here to the U.S."

She never writes me....she never calls me. She can CALL ME FOR FREE WITH A MAGICJACK and NEVER calls me. When I call, it costs me between $5-$10 everytime I call. If I dont call, she won't call me. EVEN WHEN IM THERE IN HER COUNTRY, she will simply go to work from 9:00 in the morning until 8:00 at night, and I won't hear from her AT ALL during the WHOLE DAY NIGHT...nothing. And when she gets home, she won't talk to me, she'll just come home,...take a shower, eat,..and go to bed and I try to start a conversation with her, and she just won't even talk to me.

Whenever I have money,I'm good for her, whenever I don't have money,...I feel like im simply discarted straight away.

My dad died last year in October, and when he died, she didn't say/do anything,...instead she went off and played bingo with her friends.I tried to justify it saying "well, she didn't know him personally so she can't really feel anything?!",...but once again, my friends said to me "weather or not she knew him or not, your her husband and she still has to offer some type of emotional support"...(which she didn't)

What I'm TRYING TO GET AT HERE WITH EVERYONE, is that I PERSONALLY FEEL, that as her HUSBAND she should do EQUAL TO AND MORE than she has done with her ex boyfriends,...especially if I'm the "love of her life". But....her behavior seems to tell me otherwise. She just doesn't show any interest in me at all.

For our anniversary of 6 months I was in her country, and I took her out to eat, and I wanted to have a good night with her, instead, she wanted to go home by 8:00 and was in bed by 8:30...so I let THAT ONE GO.

For our 1 YEAR anniversary, i was there in her country. WELL, knowing what happened with the 6 month anniversary, I decided to go romantic, and walked from one side of her city to the other looking for rose petals, and candles, and that same night, I cooked for her.

When she came home, she didn't even look impressed, she ate what I cooked for her, then just went straight up stairs, took a shower and went to bed.

I WAS DEVASTATED!!!. I don't understand...I don't know what I've done wrong. When I explain this situation to a few of my friends, they say "she doesn't love you and is using you"

I was MEANT to go there NOW in June, BUT where I was meant to arrive is an extremely dangerous city, and I asked her "can you please come to this city to pick me up, I don't feel safe here alone to make it to your city"....knowing HOW DANGEROUS it is,..she said "no,because it costs money to pick you up"..

But yet she had a boyfriend from a few years previous in that SAME CITY who she would visit every week to two weeks. SOOOOO I said "well, if you can't even come here to pick up your own HUSBAND yet you can go visit some doochebag boyfriend, I'm not comming"...SO I didn't go there. I missed my flight and the money on the flight was wasted because it was non-refundable....

What do I do??? Am I being used?? I have spent a lot of time with her, ADDING UP ALL THE VISITS I have done there, it totals 1 year.

Help me please....Im at a loss for words. I really feel that "fixing her papers" to come here legally WONT change anything, if anything, it will make it worse, because of how she acts NOW and how shes acted for the past 2 years...help me please

The answer is all there, you just have to make a decision.

[Baby Cookie 6]

NO, she doesn't love you. And YES, you are being used. Doing her paperwork and bringing her to the US won't change her for the better, but it will for the worst. You're already given all the signs, what else could you ask for?

[richo_006 0]

Sorry tohear your story...you already know what to do...you just need courage to do it...good luck to you

[Uliana+abdo 1]

I m very sorry to hear it but cut it short and move on , there is plenty of fish out there that will appreciate you for who you are ,u not being used but she's the one who ll be used very badly, what goes around comes around ,and find someone to forget what happen ASAP

[Robert&Karen 264]

You gave it a shot, and you gave all you could. You are being used and abused. You need to bail.

If the marriage was never consummated check into an annulment. Even if it was there appears to be plenty evidence of fraud.

So sorry.

[clarence954 20]

haveibenused, you kind of knew it all along, but your emotions keep you from seeing it until the day of your marriage. you kind of mentally blocked everything out because you knew if you didn't you wouldn't have gone through with the wedding. If you took the leap with her chances are you will complete the process with her. no matter what we tell you here because you already know for yourself and you went ahead with the wedding.

You already know what you have to do. just do it fast and in a couple of months the pain will stop and life will be back to normal for you.

[bigdog 376]

Stop now, run and do not look back. Been there and done that, follow your gut.

[ReetuAndMike 0]

Hi.

I am so sorry to hear about your story.

And she is using you and she doesn't seem to love you at all.

I think love is much more deep and you actually care about the person you love..

You are not dumb, you are not stupid, you are just a human dealing with your own emotions.

You are having difficulty in accepting that she doesn't love you and is using you.

I am a computer engineer. I do all the things with logic.

Here is what you do: Make a list.

On one side write all the things she does because you think she loves you.

On other side, write all the things she does which hurt you.

Whichever list is long. you will know the answer.

Talk to parents and friends.

Their support will help you get out of this mess.

Edited September 17, 2011 by ReetuAndMike

[trulyinlove 3]

Im so sorry to hear that....Im sure she has nothing on her mind but using u, file her a petition so she can go to US,use ur money and everything... She should do something special to u of all the things uve done to her. Honestly I met american man in 2008 and became bf/gf after 6 months.Then i always show to him that I love him ,he sending me money(im here in Philippines now)everymonth,we talk two times everyday morning and night time,when he is not available to call me I buy phone card to call him ,bcuz I wanna know why he is not online and also what's happening to him ,He visit me here twice ,we had a great time with my family and Iam so proud that we walk holding hands. I never asked him 'what he bring me"never...But instead asked him hows the flight? Do u wanna take a rest after a long flight?Hows the boys (his kids).And with the 2 visits he made he never brought something for me lol....But its ok I understand bcuz I know he sending me money every month ,and that is more than enough ...With that said Im the one who bought him Guess watch for his birthday.One thing more $500 dollars a month is a big help for me and my 2 kids but sometimes im also tight but never ask him more to send.I never ask something since we been together unless he offer.My opinion is u should not marry the woman u dont know better,and like u said she never show love and respect to u not very good,when u asked her to dispose all the pictures or delete them .When my fiancee asked me to delete my exbf on my friends list on facebook ,I did bcuz i dont wanna hurt his feelings and its really not approriate to keep. If she truly love u she will cook for u,caress u,make u happy,and will stay late at night talking to u or drink with u.And after how many months u dont see each other , oh god she should be sweet and excited to see u not what u have for her lol..She is lucky bcuz u gave her small business,care for her,love her,and she should do the same in return.I know someone who using american she is neighbor of my mom,the american gave her $10,000 for computer shop business,but then she has a filipino bf who also the benifiacry of the money he sending to her lol.She is became rumor in my mom's place that she is lucky to have the american. She is very different now ,always go to casino,vacation in hongkong,people asked me why my bf not giving me business? I said he doesnt have money for that,but he gave me the love,respect and true happiness i was asking for a very long time. It sad that u feel that ,hope u will find the woman that will love and respect u and make u happy for the rest of your life. Just pray and he(God) will listen to u. Cheer up she is not the only woman in this world. Im sure u deserve someone that honest and will care for u. God bless friend !!!

[TBoneTX 45,918]

Also TXbone who has a wife from Ecuador, I'm waiting his comments also.

I'm sincerely flattered. Thank you, si man.

I normally read entire threads before posting anything, but I stopped here to write, because you asked.

I took a break to put Mrs. T-B. in bed. I told her briefly that a dude on the Visa group is married to a Latina who won't talk to him, doesn't pay attention to him, won't be intimate with him, and he wants to know if he's being used. Her eyebrows went up and she said, "Of course."

I went approximately 19 years between marriages, with a lot of dry spells (no dates when I was aching for them) and a lot of truly awful first-and-only dates. My standards were that I would not see anybody twice if I got the sense that my humanity, thoughts, ideas, plans, or feelings were being disrespected or disregarded. After getting home from dates like that, I'd swallow my disappointment, briefly acknowledge the empty feeling in the pit of my stomach, and hold a little ceremony where I'd take her phone number or business card, purposefully tear it in half over the trash can, and drop it in as I watched. Then, I'd say aloud in a purposely hopeful tone, "Who's next?" When I determined on April 1, 2006 (no foolin') that the available pool of American women was not going to improve in quality, I resolved to find a worthy, compatible Latina. On December 29, Mrs. T-B.-to-be came to my attention, and the rest has become happy history.

Amigo, you're not just being disrespected and disregarded -- you're being disdained. I had a few experiences like that, and I couldn't WAIT to get away from them. I swear that some of them wouldn't have thought twice about staking me buck-naked and spread-eagled in the desert, then pouring honey and fire-ants atop me. They had that level of depth, humanity, and sensitivity. Yours gives the same kind of a #######.

The good news -- actually, great news -- is that she's saving you a lot of time. You know the truth about her now, before you get twisted in your own underwear personally, financially, or situationally. Your path is clear. Make your "freedom" phone call as others have recommended: "We're getting divorced; please don't contact me again; good luck in your future endeavors." Should she protest then or afterwards, the response is "The decision has been made, and the decision is final." Those are to be your last and only words with her, upon any subsequent contact.

You're so lucky that you haven't filed papers for her! Mrs. T-B. asked whether you had, and she sounded very happy on your behalf to hear that you had not. This will be the easiest, most straightforward break that anyone could have. You're extremely fortunate. Furthermore, I can tell just from the first three pages of this thread that even though you've decided to feel damaged and take this non-relationship personally, you have more strength and resolve than did the forlorn Mcat.

One has to make the decision whether a relationship, like a car, requires maintenance or repair. A good relationship requires only maintenance -- little actions and expressions that keep it running smoothly and happily. A junker car requires good money thrown after bad, week after month after year, and regardless of how attached you may have become to that vehicle, it will no longer take you anywhere. Yours is such a non-relationship that it doesn't even have wheel rims. It's a vehicle to nowhere.

Look at yourself in the mirror, and ask yourself aloud: "What kind of wife do I want, and how am I going to get her? What changes must I make within myself? What personal qualities and treatment of me will I not compromise my time and principles on?" The man in the mirror may not have your best interests at heart right now, because he's a little conflicted. Make sure that you regularly tell him exactly where you stand, especially at first, and make damned sure that he knows and remembers it, until he believes it just as strongly as you do.

The hierarchy of personal happiness is, from best to worst:

1. Happily married

2. Happily single

3. Unhappily single

4. Unhappily married.

You're situationally at #4 and functionally at #3, with #2 very much within range and grasp. Make that one phone call, hang up, sit down, crack a celebratory beer, and announce aloud to no one in particular except yourself and the whole world out there, "I'm free!" Before you know it, you'll have a whole world of women available who will join you in -- and treat you as -- #1.

Si, man.

[John & Flor 3]

Sorry to heard your story ,yeah she is using you and stop sending her a money she wants your money.And she didn't love you i'm sure cause if she loves you she appreciate what do for her.She is from PHILIPPINES?

[Jannet Miranda 2]

wow i'm sorry there are such witches out there and you seem like like a nice person...i dont think you should be married to a person like her i really hope you move on and find some one better because it seems to me that you deserve much much better good luck