Have I been used?/Is she using me?

[pantherblue 3]

I do not know what to do,and maybe I am TOO BLIND to see the REALITY but I need honest opinions/answers.

I met a girl in 2009 and after a few visits, we decided we would get married. So, in december of that year we got married. But its almost as if that same night,she changed. And here is what I will explain.

She became unemployed and wanted to start a business,but had no money, and I,out of good faith, sent her money to be able to start this business,and because those particular items were expensive there, I purchased them here at half the price to be able to help her out. I had already visited her twice at this time.

The night of our wedding,when we were meant to have the "first dance" as the newly wedded couple in front of 200+ people,she didn't want to, because she said she was "embarrassed" by it and did not want to do it, and I felt very bad inside because to me, I felt that it was the most important/intimate/special moment of our lives getting married. Well...the wedding went from 7:00-1:00 in the morning, and then after that, when we got home, I THOUGHT that we were going to have a "romantic" rest of the night,...but we never even "consumated" the marriage, instead...she just went to sleep. She just simply said "i'm tired, i'm going to bed"

So I felt that was very wierd that those 2 things occurred on our wedding night. Anyways, I left 4 weeks later because I had to return to keep studying.

And I returned in may of 2010. Everytime I go down there, I always make sure to bring her something. But when I get there, she asks me straight away BEFORE asking how I am "so what did you bring me?!?!?", and well, we get to her place, and so she asks me that again, and I give it to her, and as soon as I have given her the things that I have brought for her, its almost as if her interest immediately turns off.Like I don't exist.

So while I was down there, I also found out that a particular ex boyfriend from 2-3 years previous kept sending her emails with photos of them when they were together and she would keep them and I personally felt that it was very disrespectful since I am married to her. And only after begging her to get rid of them, did she get rid of them. She states that there is nothing anymore between them, but that day until the day I left in August 2010, I felt very unawkward with her.

So in DECEMBER of that same year (2010)I decided to take her to a place for vacation, and there was a beach there, we went for like 5 days. On the beach, everytime I tried to walk close to her to put my arm around her or hold her hand, she would just walk away, and when we ate together, there was nothing but this dead silence, and I would try to start a conversation with her, and she wouldn't talk at all. I did not know WHAT was wrong, I asked her and she said "oh nothing"

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, after this particular continual "strange behaviour" I asked her family/friends "Is she just like this with me?? or was she like this with all her ex boyfriends???"

And to my surprise, her brother said "She always cooked for all her ex boyfriends everytime they came over and had it ready for them"...and for me,she won't even make me a sandwich. I am the one that has to cook, if I dont cook...we don't eat. She is from a CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY.

So, I also said to them "she ses she never stayed out late either",and immediately her freinds replied "noooo,she used to stay out until 4:00-5:00 in the morning in night clubs with her ex boyfriends dancing with them and partying"....but yet with ME on our wedding night and even after, I can't get her to dance with me(we have not even danced once yet as a couple) and she ALWAYS wants to go to bed early at like 10:00-11:00 everytime I'm there.

One day, she left open her email, and well, I saw ALOT of attatchment photos from a year or so previos before I was in her life. And when I opened up the photos, they were all still with her ex boyfriends, all smiling and happy,...but yet with me, there is not a single photo where she is smiling.

Whenever we talk, she only asks me "what" am I going to bring her, and "why" haven't I done her papers yet. Well...after the may 2010 incident, I started to become skeptical about even doing her papers because I thought "if shes like this now, I dont want to know what she'll be like if/when I bring her here to the U.S."

She never writes me....she never calls me. She can CALL ME FOR FREE WITH A MAGICJACK and NEVER calls me. When I call, it costs me between $5-$10 everytime I call. If I dont call, she won't call me. EVEN WHEN IM THERE IN HER COUNTRY, she will simply go to work from 9:00 in the morning until 8:00 at night, and I won't hear from her AT ALL during the WHOLE DAY NIGHT...nothing. And when she gets home, she won't talk to me, she'll just come home,...take a shower, eat,..and go to bed and I try to start a conversation with her, and she just won't even talk to me.

Whenever I have money,I'm good for her, whenever I don't have money,...I feel like im simply discarted straight away.

My dad died last year in October, and when he died, she didn't say/do anything,...instead she went off and played bingo with her friends.I tried to justify it saying "well, she didn't know him personally so she can't really feel anything?!",...but once again, my friends said to me "weather or not she knew him or not, your her husband and she still has to offer some type of emotional support"...(which she didn't)

What I'm TRYING TO GET AT HERE WITH EVERYONE, is that I PERSONALLY FEEL, that as her HUSBAND she should do EQUAL TO AND MORE than she has done with her ex boyfriends,...especially if I'm the "love of her life". But....her behavior seems to tell me otherwise. She just doesn't show any interest in me at all.

For our anniversary of 6 months I was in her country, and I took her out to eat, and I wanted to have a good night with her, instead, she wanted to go home by 8:00 and was in bed by 8:30...so I let THAT ONE GO.

For our 1 YEAR anniversary, i was there in her country. WELL, knowing what happened with the 6 month anniversary, I decided to go romantic, and walked from one side of her city to the other looking for rose petals, and candles, and that same night, I cooked for her.

When she came home, she didn't even look impressed, she ate what I cooked for her, then just went straight up stairs, took a shower and went to bed.

I WAS DEVASTATED!!!. I don't understand...I don't know what I've done wrong. When I explain this situation to a few of my friends, they say "she doesn't love you and is using you"

I was MEANT to go there NOW in June, BUT where I was meant to arrive is an extremely dangerous city, and I asked her "can you please come to this city to pick me up, I don't feel safe here alone to make it to your city"....knowing HOW DANGEROUS it is,..she said "no,because it costs money to pick you up"..

But yet she had a boyfriend from a few years previous in that SAME CITY who she would visit every week to two weeks. SOOOOO I said "well, if you can't even come here to pick up your own HUSBAND yet you can go visit some doochebag boyfriend, I'm not comming"...SO I didn't go there. I missed my flight and the money on the flight was wasted because it was non-refundable....

What do I do??? Am I being used?? I have spent a lot of time with her, ADDING UP ALL THE VISITS I have done there, it totals 1 year.

Help me please....Im at a loss for words. I really feel that "fixing her papers" to come here legally WONT change anything, if anything, it will make it worse, because of how she acts NOW and how shes acted for the past 2 years...help me please

Sad to hear your story, well.. every one who gave you some comment seems right.. don't risk your life with her, you better get rid of her rather than bringing her here in the US that she's showing her bad behavior into you. She doesn't deserves you. You seems very good and nice to her but she never appreciate all what you've done. All she cares is herself. Sad you did not find out first before you get married so you can do the right thing.Don't get me wrong but all I can think about on her behavior is to use you to get in here in the US,to have a green card then get rid out of you so she can go back to her boyfriends. No doubt when you were not her beside her she's with one of her "EX" boyfriends! Even if you ask her to get rid of their photos, BUT still she can always make a way to get in touch with them. That's for sure.

Well, at least she showed you now what really she is now, even though she is your wife now, but if you already felt doubt you better think wisely for bringing her here.. so no regrets in the end.

I am a married to a American citizen also, but he is not romantic and sweet as you are compare to what you've done to her.

As a woman I would be happy and pleased if my husband do the same thing what you did to her. But people are difference

[pantherblue 3]

I would also like to add, after much thought of not wanting to add it, but I will share it with everyone to let you's know and help me understand better my situation.....

We have sex (when I'm there) MAYBE ONCE every week to two weeks. And when we do, it lasts five minutes because she tells me "hurry up and finish". Like, we will start, and within 5 minutes, she will say "hurry up, finish already!!!"...

And I feel like I've been used or i'm some sort of prostitute. I feel really bad inside,and my self-esteem goes right down the drain,because that is something very intimate. I become afraid to even want to attempt it again with her out of fear of her saying that again which she usually always does.

When it does happen,she makes sure that it happens in the morning, to avoid doing it at night time with me.

When I leave to come back to the U.S...I know that it will be like 3 months before I will see her next, so the night before I leave, well, I want to make the most of it as possible knowing we wont see each other for a while, and well....it either doesnt happen at all, or it will happen for only 5 minutes and thats it.

And I KNOW what she was like with her ex boyfriends,because she would OPENLY tell me what she used to do with them. And me being her husband, she doesnt do the same+more with me, I feel really bad.

Like....she doesn't talk about having kids with me. BEFORE we got married she would, but its like as soon as we got married, the topic is like pure taboo with her.

She'll see me off at the airport,...and I don't know ***sigh***,I will be crying, and she is just there without any emotion at all in her face, like she doesn't care I'm leaving, and its been like this basically with EVERY SINGLE VISIT. Because I will constantly look back when Im boarding the plane,...and most of the time,she won't even stay to see it go, she'll just walk out and leave the airport.

I HAD a sponsor, but one day, the person that was going to sponsor her, came up to me and said "I dont feel right about sponsoring someone I dont even know and being responsable for that person for the next 10+ years." (and I hadn't even told him about my situation)

So I knew that I was most probably going to have to move to HER COUNTRY for a while until we could figure things out. I do have a job offer there,...and a good one, BUT I just simply don't see the point going to live there if Im going to be in that situation. If she was not like that, then of course I'd go in a heartbeat.

But I always feel like "why would I move there,just for her to treat me like some type of "friend" IF THAT, for just financial support.

She is in her mid 30's...and from a CENTRAL/SOUTH AMERICAN COUNTRY...which for me is EXTREMELY WIERD because I know how the culture is, and the women usually take VERY GOOD CARE of their men due to the culture,..... she however is the complete opposite.

I'm sorry if I'm bothering everyone,..its just that I can't understand WHAT I've done wrong,...everytime she's needed money, I've sent it to her in good faith, even if it meant I went hungry or without my basic needs. When im THERE in HER COUNTRY, I'd do everything possible for her,...I'd bring her food to her work because for some strange reason when I was there, she never came home to eat, but when i was not there, she would come home to eat.

Its hard, because when Im there,..the time is as most of you's know from experience, the time is SHORT, so you want to make the most of it. Well...when Im there, on the weekends instead of going out with me,...she just sleeps. And me??..well..bored watching t.v.

=(...Am I THAT BLIND??..am I THAT DUMB?? am I THAT STUPID?? have I been used that easily???

She doesn't love you at all... If you love someone would you treat them the way she does? I doubt it.

You know already what the answer in all of this. She just treat you like a fool.

[Joe and Ann 6]

And YES, I have TRIED NUMEROUS TIMES to speak to her FACE TO FACE about this entire situation.....and over the phone, and all she ses is "the same thing again your talking to me about?!?!??!"...

And if I'm there, she'll either leave and won't come back for AGES and then when I FINALLY see her, she'll ignore me or if its over the phone,she simply hangs up.

Believe me, I've tried A LOT, probably because Im so blindly in love with her, but with her, its like she doesnt even feel the same, does not show any emotion.

Whilst Im there crying, she just sits there and doesn't care. Straight face,no emotion.

I really don't know HOW to let go. After all I have worked towards.

And I know that if I see her with someone new, I know its going to get me that annoyed and upset that she'd put in ALLLLLLLL the effort with the new person, that she didn't even do with me,...being her husband. =(

From this end, it appears that there is one big problem in your relationship. The problem is that SHE has already let YOU go. As for all of the work (and money - you mentioned giving her money to start a business) you have put in, I completely understand. I don't give up very easily myself. But here is a question: are YOU doing ALL of the work in this relationship? With Ann and I, it has always been a partnership down the line. For marriage to work it has to be a partnership. Do you have a partner? If not, then perhaps it is time to look for someone else who will be your partner and shred those papers you have been putting together for someone who is unwilling to be one.

Take care and may God bless you and guide you as you decide on your next steps.

Joe

[Guinness 3]

Cut your loses and find a very good divorce lawyer, then start over again you will find the right women

[haveibeenused 1]

I honestly wish that this was all some bad type of nightmare...I truly do. I have gone absoloutely broke for her.

If she's hungry, I go walking to get her something to eat because I don't drive down there. If she needs something, I go get it for her, I honestly ask myself if I've been guilty or just as guilty doing things to her,...but I honestly haven't.

I mean, I'm not perfect, and YES when she kept acting that way towards me, I eventually blew up shouting at her because she wasn't talking at all, I didn't know what to do. I even offered to take her to marriage councilling, but NOOOOO, she didn't even want that. Then I offered so we could go talk to the Catholic bishop,...but NOOOO not that either. Then I offered so we could talk to a COMPLETELY MUTUAL PERSON. But NOOOO not that either.

So I felt really stranded,...no options left, and yes, I just got mad, shouted at her, asked what she expects out of it all...and well...she said....N-O-T-H-I-N-G, not a single word.

Well...knowing my luck she'll turn around, get with someone else and get knocked up within a few months...and she'll be all head-ver-heels in love with him and will do everything for him that she never did for me...

I really feel inside that had I been from the SAME COUNTRY as she's from, I highly doubt we would've even gotten married...

[eric_and_teresa 10]

I am very sorry you are going through this. You deserve so much better, but you actually have to believe that YOURSELF. You can not save this marriage alone when she has had such lousy attitude ever since your wedding day.

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to get all the strength within you and accept that you are losing your time and money with this woman. Don't even torture yourself thinking who is she going to hook up with another man right away or if she'll be better to that other person. Why even waste your time thinking those things?

You deserve better, you really do.

Edited September 16, 2011 by eric_and_teresa

[shugufa20 0]

I say leave her NOW. she doesn't deserve your love, like others posted she is using you. Don't waste your time or money. Open your eyes... Good Luck

[katiemanny 64]

To the OP, just follow your instinct, use your best judgment. Ask yourself this "IS THIS THE WAY I WANT TO LIVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" and then make a decision base on what your instinct tells you to do.

I didn't even read all your story and realize that your marriage is like an Atomic bomb waiting to explode.

[BobGee 5]

I honestly wish that this was all some bad type of nightmare...I truly do. I have gone absoloutely broke for her.

If she's hungry, I go walking to get her something to eat because I don't drive down there. If she needs something, I go get it for her, I honestly ask myself if I've been guilty or just as guilty doing things to her,...but I honestly haven't.

I mean, I'm not perfect, and YES when she kept acting that way towards me, I eventually blew up shouting at her because she wasn't talking at all, I didn't know what to do. I even offered to take her to marriage councilling, but NOOOOO, she didn't even want that. Then I offered so we could go talk to the Catholic bishop,...but NOOOO not that either. Then I offered so we could talk to a COMPLETELY MUTUAL PERSON. But NOOOO not that either.

So I felt really stranded,...no options left, and yes, I just got mad, shouted at her, asked what she expects out of it all...and well...she said....N-O-T-H-I-N-G, not a single word.

Well...knowing my luck she'll turn around, get with someone else and get knocked up within a few months...and she'll be all head-ver-heels in love with him and will do everything for him that she never did for me...

I really feel inside that had I been from the SAME COUNTRY as she's from, I highly doubt we would've even gotten married...

So sorry and sad to hear your story. You just need to get rid of her. You did everything you can to work out this relationship but she didnt eventually make an effort not an inch. She dont love you. She already showed you that, feel it! and move on. If you take this longer, it would be much gotten worse, trust me.

I pretty sure like what other says that you can find the right woman for you, takes care and loves you. There's someone really meant for you out there... Good luck and pray!

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

And I feel like I've been used or i'm some sort of prostitute. I feel really bad inside,and my self-esteem goes right down the drain,because that is something very intimate. I become afraid to even want to attempt it again with her out of fear of her saying that again which she usually always does.

... snipped...

=Am I THAT BLIND??..am I THAT DUMB?? am I THAT STUPID?? have I been used that easily???

First, just to clarify the Prostitute thing, the Prostitute is the one who receives pay and provides sex, the John is the one who provides payment and received sex. She is the Prostitute and you're her highest paying John!

Now if you want to use the labels "BLIND", "DUMB", "STUPID" then go right ahead.

I'm assuming shes physically stunning? Maybe you feel she's "out of your league"? If that's the case then your ego wants so badly to believe that you are worthy of a woman you've elevated so much.

The irony is that her actions have proven that her beauty is very shallow and masks a lot of ugliness just beneath the surface. She is the one who should be hoping she is worthy of a man such as yourself.

I think you know the answers to your questions and how she will not change if you bother to import her to the US.

In short if the sex is worth the expense then go ahead and bring her her but expect to lose that in very short order.

Otherwise just file for divorce locally (where you live) and move on with your life...

[nikihutchiga 1]

Your story is interesting and it sounds very familar. Are you older than this woman? There are many cases where individuals marry US citizens with the sole intent of immigrating to the United States, once the process is complete they divorce their spouse. They will later file a pettition for their boyfriend in the other country to join them in the United States.

I suggest you speak with your wife and indicate to her how much you are hurt by her behaviour. However you should know that money never buys love if may buy companionship but not love! What is it you want in a marriage? Do you want unconditional love where the person have your back no matter what. Or do you want companionship? You sound like a wonderful man and I am certain that there are beautiful, smart and loving women out there who will give their kidney to be with a man like you. Start today by loving yourself truly and purely and the decision about your marriage will come.

[rostov007 29]

I do not know what to do,and maybe I am TOO BLIND to see the REALITY but I need honest opinions/answers.

Not only am I confident that she is using you, but she's terrible at it. Because she won't succeed.

Right?

[Basalt 25]

It seems like, and I'm really sorry to say it, that this woman has no feeling for you whatsoever . I know that you have invested a lot of time and money in this relationship, not to mention your feelings; However I strongly recommend that you take your loss and get away from all this before things get complicated. You don't have kids with her, so run away and don't look back. I also suggest that you start going out when you can and start dating. There are some great women out there who know how to appreciate a man with your generosity and kindness. Life is short, but with the wrong partner it can be long and miserable. Good luck to you buddy.

[michee 0]

She didn't love you. A woman who loves care about her man. She just use you and she's knows that you love and care about her.

There is a lot of woman everywhere, just pray God you will find the good one.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

Not only am I confident that she is using you, but she's terrible at it. Because she won't succeed.

Right?

Agreed. Most green card scammers at least make an effort to keep their sucker on the line until they get the green card. She's not even trying. My guess is she's either not capable of keeping up the charade, or she's incredibly stunning and her ego is telling her that she doesn't need to put forth any effort, or he's so hopelessly in love (mcat???) that she figures she's got it clinched no matter what she does.

To the OP: Don't even call her. She'll change her attitude faster than you can switch a light on and try to talk you out of it, and you'll be so happy to see her change in attitude that you'll let her do it. Just file for the divorce, and then go out with your buddies and get drunk.

BTW, hookers treat their johns better than that because they want them to come back.