Getting a guilt trip from my fiancee...

[Alex & Rachel 78]

From the OP's posts:

I am frantically looking for a part time job, in addition to working at my internship, to save up enough to go see my love AND take care of business. However, its been difficult finding anyone that is hiring part time at nights and weekends. I am willing for work 7 days a weeks for 80 hours just to see her.

He IS looking for another part-time job. And, in this economy, it is certainly difficult for someone without a degree to find a job, let along a job that pays minimum wage.

I do want to make the right decisions. I just hate when they disappoint her. I am disappointed too. I want to visit the Phils sooo bad. I loved being there. I am not saying that I CAN'T go in November. I just don't know how the finances are going to play out. I mean I started wearing my glasses instead of contacts to save money. I only drive when necessary to save money. I limit myself to $20-$30 a week for groceries to save money. I am looking for a part time job to make more money. I am not using any money I make as disposable income, its all going to bills or savings.

It doesn't sound to me as if the OP has any credit card debt for frivolous items, and he seems to be doing a good job of budgeting as much as possible.

Giving advice doesn't have to insult everybody else who has contributed to the discussion. There are an awful amount of assumptions being thrown about.

I'd say the OP is far from being irresponsible; quite the opposite, in fact. It isn't as if his failure to travel to the Philippines comes at the expense of a new TV or anything unnecessary.

Anyway, it's great that Paul is communicating with his fiancee, and hopefully they can both come to a better understanding.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Alex & Rachel

[Paul and Haidee 11]

He asked opinions and I gave mine. No one else has to agree because you are not married to me (Nina jumps for joy!) I shall only suggest that men interested in traditional wives need to be prepared to be traditional men.

One could say the books are useless because such people may also lack the wherewithall to follow through on the inconveniences of an education which should be completed before you go marrying foreign spouses...just sayin' The excuse amounts to "I am not going because I need that money for our future" I doubt it. People who eschew one current responsibility to the deferrence of future ones are simply not believable. There is also the option (horror!) of getting a part time job to pay for the visit. I imagine that the people opining here have credit card balances for TV sets, stereo systems or furniture but do not think going into debt for the peace of mind of one's spouse is worth it.

There obviously are more than the 2 options you mention. They are not mutually exclusive, but it takes someone that does not limit their own possibilities to realize it. If one believes those are the only options, then they are

As this has turned into the "excuses for irresponsible people" thread I shall deposit my opinion and go on and leave you to make excuses. Between you, I am sure the OP will sleep better and will be all properly "bucked up" to disappoint his fiancee.

I have mentioned a couple times that I am looking for part time work and I don't have any credit cards.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

From the OP's posts:

He IS looking for another part-time job. And, in this economy, it is certainly difficult for someone without a degree to find a job, let along a job that pays minimum wage.

It doesn't sound to me as if the OP has any credit card debt for frivolous items, and he seems to be doing a good job of budgeting as much as possible.

Giving advice doesn't have to insult everybody else who has contributed to the discussion. There are an awful amount of assumptions being thrown about.

I'd say the OP is far from being irresponsible; quite the opposite, in fact. It isn't as if his failure to travel to the Philippines comes at the expense of a new TV or anything unnecessary.

Anyway, it's great that Paul is communicating with his fiancee, and hopefully they can both come to a better understanding.

Thanks...I guess Gary missed the comments about me looking for part time work, even if its a crappy job. I applied at all sorts of places that I really don't want to work at, however, if this is what gives me the means to see my fiancee for the interview and save money for next year, then I will do it.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Thanks...I guess Gary missed the comments about me looking for part time work, even if its a crappy job. I applied at all sorts of places that I really don't want to work at, however, if this is what gives me the means to see my fiancee for the interview and save money for next year, then I will do it.

Good for you, yeah I missed that part. Now you're talkin'!

From the OP's posts:

He IS looking for another part-time job. And, in this economy, it is certainly difficult for someone without a degree to find a job, let along a job that pays minimum wage.

It doesn't sound to me as if the OP has any credit card debt for frivolous items, and he seems to be doing a good job of budgeting as much as possible.

Giving advice doesn't have to insult everybody else who has contributed to the discussion. There are an awful amount of assumptions being thrown about.

I'd say the OP is far from being irresponsible; quite the opposite, in fact. It isn't as if his failure to travel to the Philippines comes at the expense of a new TV or anything unnecessary.

Anyway, it's great that Paul is communicating with his fiancee, and hopefully they can both come to a better understanding.

My mentioning of credit cards was not refering to the OP but to some people who stated going into debt for one's spouse was a bad idea.

[Nina~ 431]

He asked opinions and I gave mine. No one else has to agree because you are not married to me (Nina jumps for joy!) I shall only suggest that men interested in traditional wives need to be prepared to be traditional men.

One could say the books are useless because such people may also lack the wherewithall to follow through on the inconveniences of an education which should be completed before you go marrying foreign spouses...just sayin' The excuse amounts to "I am not going because I need that money for our future" I doubt it. People who eschew one current responsibility to the deferrence of future ones are simply not believable. There is also the option (horror!) of getting a part time job to pay for the visit. I imagine that the people opining here have credit card balances for TV sets, stereo systems or furniture but do not think going into debt for the peace of mind of one's spouse is worth it.

There obviously are more than the 2 options you mention. They are not mutually exclusive, but it takes someone that does not limit their own possibilities to realize it. If one believes those are the only options, then they are

As this has turned into the "excuses for irresponsible people" thread I shall deposit my opinion and go on and leave you to make excuses. Between you, I am sure the OP will sleep better and will be all properly "bucked up" to disappoint his fiancee.

Gary, you are not stating an opinion here.. You are quite insulting towards Paul. You don't even read his posts before you start you half-baked tirade about him either not loving his fiance enough or being irresponsible. If you actually quit your self-righteous tirades, you will see that Paul is doing everything he can, within reason.

Most adults know the disappointment is a part of life. And most adults, traditional or not, know how to pull up their big girl panties and love their spouse anyway, despite the disappointments.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

She will understand (correctly) that her husband to be, the man she trusts above all others told her he would do something and DID NOT. And she will understand (correctly) that the reason was he needed to buy books.

IF she still goes through with this, this will happen again, because he "got away with it" before and she "understood" before, but she will not forget.

She will "understand" (correctly) that her husband is NOT willing to do everything he CAN do for his wife. Sleep well.

Sorry, but I have no other advice on how to disappoint the person that is supposed to be the most important aspect of your life.

I have been thinking all day about what Gary said in this post. He does make a good point that I said I would do something and I didn't. I made a promise and now I am not sure I can pull through with it. Its my fault though for not doing enough due diligence to budget for all the expenses we need to take care of to get her over here. I was so wrapped up with getting the NOA2, I didn't research the next steps, and the next fees, in the process. I want to make it happen because not only do I want to be at the interview, but I miss her so freaking much. I guess I should not promise anything until I am absolutely sure that I can pull through with it. With that being said, with my current financial situation, its hard to know when to be absolutely sure. I hate that I am always disappointing her. If I had made better life decisions, I would have already graduated from college and had a career by now...

[B_J 2,752]

If I had made better life decisions, I would have already graduated from college and had a career by now...

But you're working to overcome that now. You are doing everything you can to make a better life for yourself and, more importantly, for her. If being there is so important, you could drop out of college, sell everything you own and fly over there; just to fulfill a promise. But years from now you would just be regretting that choice too. Which is really more important; being there or being the most responsible man you can be for her? Do what you think is best; not just for right now, but for your future together.

Just wanted to add a question: When is she planning to do her medical?

Edited September 15, 2011 by B_J

[Paul and Haidee 11]

But you're working to overcome that now. You are doing everything you can to make a better life for yourself and, more importantly, for her. If being there is so important, you could drop out of college, sell everything you own and fly over there; just to fulfill a promise. But years from now you would just be regretting that choice too. Which is really more important; being there or being the most responsible man you can be for her? Do what you think is best; not just for right now, but for your future together.

Just wanted to add a question: When is she planning to do her medical?

I think after she gets the paperwork from the consulate. However, doesnt she need to call the consulate to tell them her address has changed?

[B_J 2,752]

I think after she gets the paperwork from the consulate. However, doesnt she need to call the consulate to tell them her address has changed?

She can probably just fill in the new address on the forms for the embassy. By the way, don't wait for the embassy to send you the paperwork. Just get it online.

paperwork

The reason I asked about the medical is this: We were having money problems also. Every time I'd get money saved, something would happen. It was just a string of bad luck. There were things I had said I would do but I couldn't. I don't consider that a broken promise. I just think that "life" caused us to change our plans. Anyways, since we were running low on funds; we decided that she would do her medical and her interview on one trip. It's pretty common to do that. But, once she did her medical, we got hit with the sputum test. So, instead of staying in Manila for a couple of more days, she ended up going back home and not having her interview for 2 more months.

I am just bringing this up in case you were going to do the same thing. If you went there for the medical and interview and then she had to do the sputum test (and a lot of people have to do the test) then what would you do? Would you have to fly back again in 2 more months so you can keep the promise of being there for her interview?

Honestly, like others said earlier, you should post some in the Philippines forum and you can find a lot of info, especially about the interview. It really was easy and nothing for your fiancee to be worried about.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

She sounds like the typical Filipina you read about on here who has grown up thinking American's are rich simply because they make more money, not realising they have to SPEND more money too. It could also be her family is pressuring her saying her "rich american" should be able to come visit. It could be she's just a spoilt brat.

No matter the reason, what do you tell her? Do you tell her money is tight? Do you tell her you won't have much money? A LOT of issues I read on here about Filipino couples is the guys not realising they're "supposed" to send money back to her family. That the women have no concept of how money works in the US and spend spend spend thinking it doesn't end.

What bothers me is you're about to get the visa and you haven't had the money conversation? It sounds to me like she's expecting to have lots of money.. it is NOT going to be easy. You should talk to her about her working to contribute to the household income or what not.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

She can probably just fill in the new address on the forms for the embassy. By the way, don't wait for the embassy to send you the paperwork. Just get it online.

paperwork

The reason I asked about the medical is this: We were having money problems also. Every time I'd get money saved, something would happen. It was just a string of bad luck. There were things I had said I would do but I couldn't. I don't consider that a broken promise. I just think that "life" caused us to change our plans. Anyways, since we were running low on funds; we decided that she would do her medical and her interview on one trip. It's pretty common to do that. But, once she did her medical, we got hit with the sputum test. So, instead of staying in Manila for a couple of more days, she ended up going back home and not having her interview for 2 more months.

I am just bringing this up in case you were going to do the same thing. If you went there for the medical and interview and then she had to do the sputum test (and a lot of people have to do the test) then what would you do? Would you have to fly back again in 2 more months so you can keep the promise of being there for her interview?

Honestly, like others said earlier, you should post some in the Philippines forum and you can find a lot of info, especially about the interview. It really was easy and nothing for your fiancee to be worried about.

Thank you so much for the link. Is this just a general letter they send to everyone? I think her and I need to talk about how we are going to do the medical and interview. And to be honest, we were planning me on going Nov 1, and we are not even sure if the interview is going to be that date. We just assumed. It sucks not having money. The same thing happened to me. I had money saved and then the tenants in my house screwed me over and I have to pay for an eviction now, not to mention the house is in CT and I am in AL, which means I have to spend money to travel up there. They will be out soon but that took a lot of my resources.

[Dan and Judy 614]

I have been thinking all day about what Gary said in this post. He does make a good point that I said I would do something and I didn't. I made a promise and now I am not sure I can pull through with it. Its my fault though for not doing enough due diligence to budget for all the expenses we need to take care of to get her over here. I was so wrapped up with getting the NOA2, I didn't research the next steps, and the next fees, in the process. I want to make it happen because not only do I want to be at the interview, but I miss her so freaking much. I guess I should not promise anything until I am absolutely sure that I can pull through with it. With that being said, with my current financial situation, its hard to know when to be absolutely sure. I hate that I am always disappointing her. If I had made better life decisions, I would have already graduated from college and had a career by now...

You can get a hairshirt at Penitance.com for $29.95.

If that's not enough you can sleep in your car instead of paying rent. That's what I did 20 years ago when I was going through the process the first time while going to college and working at Mcdonalds.

You say you are always disappointing her? In a previous post you said something about her sticking with you inspited of your finacial difficulties?

From a strictly financial standpoint, hooking up with you was like hitting the lottery. She knows that even if you don't.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

She sounds like the typical Filipina you read about on here who has grown up thinking American's are rich simply because they make more money, not realising they have to SPEND more money too. It could also be her family is pressuring her saying her "rich american" should be able to come visit. It could be she's just a spoilt brat.

No matter the reason, what do you tell her? Do you tell her money is tight? Do you tell her you won't have much money? A LOT of issues I read on here about Filipino couples is the guys not realising they're "supposed" to send money back to her family. That the women have no concept of how money works in the US and spend spend spend thinking it doesn't end.

What bothers me is you're about to get the visa and you haven't had the money conversation? It sounds to me like she's expecting to have lots of money.. it is NOT going to be easy. You should talk to her about her working to contribute to the household income or what not.

Thanks for the post. I have talked to her many many times about how tight money is. I am not sure if she really understands EXACTLY how tight money is. I told her things are going to be very difficult as I am still in school but will get better once i graduate and start working. I told her that she would need to work when she gets here in order for us to survive and she told me that she WANTS to work, so I am counting on that contribution.

[B_J 2,752]

Thank you so much for the link. Is this just a general letter they send to everyone? I think her and I need to talk about how we are going to do the medical and interview. And to be honest, we were planning me on going Nov 1, and we are not even sure if the interview is going to be that date. We just assumed. It sucks not having money. The same thing happened to me. I had money saved and then the tenants in my house screwed me over and I have to pay for an eviction now, not to mention the house is in CT and I am in AL, which means I have to spend money to travel up there. They will be out soon but that took a lot of my resources.

I guess they send the letter; I don't know if we ever got it or not. Here's another link that will help:

After NOA2

I think everything on this thread is still correct except that the scheduling link is different now.

An early November interview could still be possible for you; assuming you make it past the medical. (beware the sputum test ) You've got some things to do still; but you might be able to make it.

[Fandango 1,439]

I have been thinking all day about what Gary said in this post. He does make a good point that I said I would do something and I didn't. I made a promise and now I am not sure I can pull through with it. Its my fault though for not doing enough due diligence to budget for all the expenses we need to take care of to get her over here. I was so wrapped up with getting the NOA2, I didn't research the next steps, and the next fees, in the process. I want to make it happen because not only do I want to be at the interview, but I miss her so freaking much. I guess I should not promise anything until I am absolutely sure that I can pull through with it. With that being said, with my current financial situation, its hard to know when to be absolutely sure. I hate that I am always disappointing her. If I had made better life decisions, I would have already graduated from college and had a career by now...

Life is full of disappointments that we as adults and spouses need to overcome...together as teams of two.

I'm not saying it's not disappointing, but holding you to an impossible standard is not the way to go either.

To be honest with you, I very highly doubt that this is the last time you and your fiancee are going to be fighting over money and her expectations. Call it a hunch. Objectively speaking, I'm not quite sure that you're in the best position to even be considering bringing over an immigrant spouse, given your financial situation. But that's really your business anyway.