Getting a guilt trip from my fiancee...

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I could swear I read somewhere the money problems are the biggest cause of marital strife....

That would be wrong. It may be the biggest "excuse", it is not the biggest "cause".

If your marriage has only money problems ...be happy!

[Ban Hammer 13,275]

Soooooo...OP, Who is doing the better job of making you feel guilty? Your fiancee or Gary?

Subjectively speaking...reading his posts..I think Gary is an azz kicking guilt machine. A veritable guilt trip extraordinaire. He's doing such a good job... I think... I'm starting to get pissed at you for not going.

I would like to match him up against my mother. I'm not sure who would win.

dr logan is the best imo for advice on this topic.

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/user/48037-rlogan/

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

MY mother would loan me the money to buy books or to go be with my wife if I needed it.

Mamma's boy.

I'm admiring your guilt trip aptitude. I was starting to have childhood flashbacks while reading your posts. If my mom was passed...I would think she reincarnated into you. (I wonder, do you often point and wag your fingers while scolding?)

No need to be defensive Gary...I'm just pulling your chain. You make some good points. I agree 100% that a husband should make his wife the absoulute highest priority in life. It pays the best dividends. but, You're not in OP's financial Shoes.

btw...I think you have been giving some great advice (in various threads) lately.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Mamma's boy.

I'm admiring your guilt trip aptitude. I was starting to have childhood flashbacks while reading your posts. If my mom was passed...I would think she reincarnated into you. (I wonder, do you often point and wag your fingers while scolding?)

No need to be defensive Gary...I'm just pulling your chain. You make some good points. I agree 100% that a husband should make his wife the absoulute highest priority in life. It pays the best dividends. but, You're not in OP's financial Shoes.

btw...I think you have been giving some great advice (in various threads) lately.

I am merely pointing out my opinion, not scolding. Frankly I do not give a damn what the OP does but he did ask for our advice. Mine is "Man Up!" I mean if you CAN'T do something, that is one thing. But to lay out the reasons WHY it would be inconvenient to go, you also lay out the solution...you just need a little money. Can you get some money? Have you tried?

I know that any adult who can (or should) get married can borrow enough money to go to the Philippines for a few days, be serious. Think...pawn shops!

[Alex & Rachel 78]

Simple. She wants to be the most important in your life. She should be. But you just told her books are more important and student loans are more important and tuition is more important.

She wants you there, borrow the money and go. Make her the priority in life and you will always be happy.

One day you will have a heart attack and then have to have bypass surgery and if you live through it you will wake up and your WIFE and children will be there and the nurses will tell you that you have a remarkable wife and she has been sleeping in your bed with you since you have been "out" for nearly two days and refused to leave when they told her she couldn;t do that because she said "this is my husband and I sleep with my husband" and your boys have come from all over the country and half-way round the world. If you are lucky and you have made them number 1 in your life.

Or...you could buy books.

FYI I did go to our interview and did not wait to be asked, I just planned on it from the start.

Maybe it's just me, but if I was in the OP's fiancee's shoes, and I understood how much his expenses were, I'd far rather he paid for his books and tuition than came to visit me.

At the very least the OP can explain his financial situation and then his fiancee can decide if she'd still like him to come.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Maybe it's just me, but if I was in the OP's fiancee's shoes, and I understood how much his expenses were, I'd far rather he paid for his books and tuition than came to visit me.

At the very least the OP can explain his financial situation and then his fiancee can decide if she'd still like him to come.

There seem to be plenty of men to meet low expectations. A guarantee of happiness. Don't expect anything and you will never be disappointed.

If your fiance were a MAN he would just be there and not mention the books because he would have handled that problem without troubling you with it. Does no one GET this?

I did not consider my going to the interview a "visit". My fiancee was scared to death. But she is not from a visa waiver country where she can just jump on any plane and come to the US. She is from a country where good people are often treated like reptiles for asking for a tourist visa to the USA, and her entire future and that of her sons was on the line. No pressure.

I have to say I am a bit shocked and dismayed at the number of people who think disappointing your spouse is OK. I remain undeterred. But then yesterday I was sharing public transportation with two young ladies who could not have a very loud conversation without every third word being "####", "f*cking", f*cked", "#### him", "sh*t" or "b*tch" to the great pleasure of everyone else on board. Seems low levels of quality are acceptable among some people.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Soooooo...OP, Who is doing the better job of making you feel guilty? Your fiancee or Gary?

Subjectively speaking...reading his posts..I think Gary is an azz kicking guilt machine. A veritable guilt trip extraordinaire. He's doing such a good job... I think... I'm starting to get pissed at you for not going.

I would like to match him up against my mother. I'm not sure who would win.

Yes I am basically ignoring Gary. The reason why I need to spend money on books is so I can complete my chemical engineering degree and get a job that pay a lot more than $10 so we can have a successful life. I think Gary missed the part about needing to save money also so we can take care of our bills when she gets here. Additionally, I mentioned that I need to make sure I have enough money to take care of all the paperwork and medical exam and so on for the USCIS. I think Gary just likes to talk about books. I am also ignoring the people that say "run, dont get married."

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Yes I am basically ignoring Gary. The reason why I need to spend money on books is so I can complete my chemical engineering degree and get a job that pay a lot more than $10 so we can have a successful life. I think Gary missed the part about needing to save money also so we can take care of our bills when she gets here. Additionally, I mentioned that I need to make sure I have enough money to take care of all the paperwork and medical exam and so on for the USCIS. I think Gary just likes to talk about books. I am also ignoring the people that say "run, dont get married."

Good luck.

[B_J 2,752]

Yes I am basically ignoring Gary. The reason why I need to spend money on books is so I can complete my chemical engineering degree and get a job that pay a lot more than $10 so we can have a successful life. I think Gary missed the part about needing to save money also so we can take care of our bills when she gets here. Additionally, I mentioned that I need to make sure I have enough money to take care of all the paperwork and medical exam and so on for the USCIS. I think Gary just likes to talk about books. I am also ignoring the people that say "run, dont get married."

I think you should have your fiancee come on VJ and get to know people on the Philippines forum. Once she learns more about the interview process, she probably won't be as nervous.

Also, talk to her about you finances. Let her know exactly how much you make, how much your bills are, and let her help prioritize. Let her know what you can make with your degree compared to what you're making now. I would hope that the more she's involved in the process, the easier it will be for the two of you to agree on the decisions.

[Crashed~N2~Me 970]

Yes I am basically ignoring Gary. The reason why I need to spend money on books is so I can complete my chemical engineering degree and get a job that pay a lot more than $10 so we can have a successful life. I think Gary missed the part about needing to save money also so we can take care of our bills when she gets here. Additionally, I mentioned that I need to make sure I have enough money to take care of all the paperwork and medical exam and so on for the USCIS. I think Gary just likes to talk about books. I am also ignoring the people that say "run, dont get married."

Good luck.

That's what you get.

Chin up Gary. You made some good points about priorities and behavior quality standards.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Crashed~N2~Me

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Maybe it's just me, but if I was in the OP's fiancee's shoes, and I understood how much his expenses were, I'd far rather he paid for his books and tuition than came to visit me.

At the very least the OP can explain his financial situation and then his fiancee can decide if she'd still like him to come.

Thank you. Buying my books is an investment in the future of my fiancee and I. Keeping money for the paperwork set aside is insurance that we will be able to complete the USCIS process. I am frantically looking for a part time job, in addition to working at my internship, to save up enough to go see my love AND take care of business. However, its been difficult finding anyone that is hiring part time at nights and weekends. I am willing for work 7 days a weeks for 80 hours just to see her. If I had financial help from ANYONE (my family, her family, friends, etc) then I would not be in this situation. However, no one wants to help or does not have the means to help. Believe me, I have asked. I said it before and I will say it again. I am doing this all on my own.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

I think you should have your fiancee come on VJ and get to know people on the Philippines forum. Once she learns more about the interview process, she probably won't be as nervous.

Also, talk to her about you finances. Let her know exactly how much you make, how much your bills are, and let her help prioritize. Let her know what you can make with your degree compared to what you're making now. I would hope that the more she's involved in the process, the easier it will be for the two of you to agree on the decisions.

Yes I talked on the phone with her last night and I am going to take the advice from earlier in the discussion to make a list of my debits and credits so she can understand where the money comes and goes. She told me she didn't really understand so I want to help her see the situation I am in. There is a lot of useful advice in this discussion and I think it is going to help us get through it. I love my fiancee so much and she loves me too. We just need to make it through. Everything will be ok.

[Nina~ 431]

Yes I am basically ignoring Gary. The reason why I need to spend money on books is so I can complete my chemical engineering degree and get a job that pay a lot more than $10 so we can have a successful life. I think Gary missed the part about needing to save money also so we can take care of our bills when she gets here. Additionally, I mentioned that I need to make sure I have enough money to take care of all the paperwork and medical exam and so on for the USCIS. I think Gary just likes to talk about books. I am also ignoring the people that say "run, dont get married."

Kudos Paul!

I think you are doing the right thing. As a fellow engineer, who graduated not too long ago, I can empathize with the demands of engineering school along with the lack of money, lack of time, lack of social life, etc. I still remember having $2 in my pocket and trying to decide if I should use it to buy Ramen for dinner or a bus ticket instead of walking 5 miles home.

Sometimes it does not get any better after school.. Right now I am operating on no sleep for 48 hours straight on a job site in the middle-of-nowhere, Kansas. I would give (almost) anything to crawl into bed with my husband tonight, however I will probably end up spending the night in my work truck. It is not because I love my husband any less, but it is something I must to do to ensure our future and be able to provide a good life for our future kids (if we have any). My husband understands that I do this out of love for him and for our life together. I hope your fiance understands this when you explain it to her.

Do not let some stranger over the internet (who thinks that true love is only when someone visits and spends the night in the hospital after a bypass) guilt you into thinking that you are choosing books over your fiance. Even if you were, it is because you love her and want to provide a good life for her. Just do what you think is right. Good luck!

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Kudos Paul!

I think you are doing the right thing. As a fellow engineer, who graduated not too long ago, I can empathize with the demands of engineering school along with the lack of money, lack of time, lack of social life, etc. I still remember having $2 in my pocket and trying to decide if I should use it to buy Ramen for dinner or a bus ticket instead of walking 5 miles home.

Sometimes it does not get any better after school.. Right now I am operating on no sleep for 48 hours straight on a job site in the middle-of-nowhere, Kansas. I would give (almost) anything to crawl into bed with my husband tonight, however I will probably end up spending the night in my work truck. It is not because I love my husband any less, but it is something I must to do to ensure our future and be able to provide a good life for our future kids (if we have any). My husband understands that I do this out of love for him and for our life together. I hope your fiance understands this when you explain it to her.

Do not let some stranger over the internet (who thinks that true love is only when someone visits and spends the night in the hospital after a bypass) guilt you into thinking that you are choosing books over your fiance. Even if you were, it is because you love her and want to provide a good life for her. Just do what you think is right. Good luck!

I do want to make the right decisions. I just hate when they disappoint her. I am disappointed too. I want to visit the Phils sooo bad. I loved being there. I am not saying that I CAN'T go in November. I just don't know how the finances are going to play out. I mean I started wearing my glasses instead of contacts to save money. I only drive when necessary to save money. I limit myself to $20-$30 a week for groceries to save money. I am looking for a part time job to make more money. I am not using any money I make as disposable income, its all going to bills or savings. I just want to talk to her right now!!!!! Thanks for the advice.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

That would be wrong. It may be the biggest "excuse", it is not the biggest "cause".

If your marriage has only money problems ...be happy!

So going into debt just to appease your spouse is acceptable? Neither my wife or I think so...

I love my Pinay wife but even she will agree that most Philippine woman are conditioned on some level to manipulate people in their lives to get what they want. I guess that's true for all cultures...

Anyway, by giving in to the manipulation so early (even before they are married) he is setting a bad precedent.