Getting a guilt trip from my fiancee...

[maning 36]

I know she wants me to be there and I want to be there badly too, but I need to think about how we are going to pay rent and utilities when she gets here. What good is me going there if we end up homeless here? I feel quilty because I told her I would have enough to go but then realized that the paperwork is going to cost much more than I anticipated. I wish I had made better decisions and graduated college 11 years ago when I should have but I didn't. When we met, I was working full time and everything was fine, but then I was let go and I decided to go back to college to make something of myself. I do admire her for staying with me even though she knows of my financial situation. I just need her to understand that just because I am getting a paycheck every two weeks right now until December, doesn't mean I can just spend that money without consequence. I need to get caught up on bills and save for next years expenses, which will increase when she gets here. I want to be there to hold her hand at the embassy and tell the interviewer that we are madly in love, but I just don't know if it can happen because of lack of money. I am getting no help from ANYONE at this point. I am doing it all on my own and I have to anticipate that I will continue to do it all on my own. I think she is having trouble looking at the big picture in the grand scheme of things. We have to make choices as to what we can and cannot do right now. With that being said, however, I want to badly to be there. I miss her and I miss The Philippines. I want to meet the rest of her family. I am so torn and broken hearted and sad. Sorry for rambling.

I think she just want you to be next to her to assure her she'll be okay at the interview. She's probably really nervous about attending the interview and fearing the worst outcome. Just reassure her that everything will be okay even if you're not there. Just be patient with her during the process.

Also, I feel you on your situation. My fiancee's birthday was not long ago and we actually fought on her birthday because the amount of money I was willing to give to celebrate her birthday was not enough for her. I told her that I can't be throwing money while we are doing the visa process and I plan to be with her during the interview in Manila, so that would cost a lot in the long run (visa fees, AOS fees, her plane ticket, my plane ticket to go there for her interview, hotels, pocket money, medical exams, paying all the fees associated with her graduating from nursing, NCLEX, she would need a car once shes here, MY BILLS, her weekly spending allowance and her rent for her apartment and utilities, my house payment, etc.) I literally feel like that if someone told me that they would give her a green card automatically if I just stab a knife thru my hand. I would actually do it than go through all this.

[natty bumppo 293]

Also, I feel you on your situation. My fiancee's birthday was not long ago and we actually fought on her birthday because the amount of money I was willing to give to celebrate her birthday was not enough for her. I told her that I can't be throwing money ....

:blink:

[fozzie 41]

Wow, some people have such a short term view. His books represent his education which will hopefully lead to a better career and a better life for him and his wife. Or take the limited, short term view and blow money you don't have now and screw the rest of your life.

Clearly the second option is the best option for all reasonable men and a way to demostrate your undying love and commitment to your future life together.

[Nina~ 431]

Also, I feel you on your situation. My fiancee's birthday was not long ago and we actually fought on her birthday because the amount of money I was willing to give to celebrate her birthday was not enough for her. I told her that I can't be throwing money while we are doing the visa process and I plan to be with her during the interview in Manila, so that would cost a lot in the long run (visa fees, AOS fees, her plane ticket, my plane ticket to go there for her interview, hotels, pocket money, medical exams, paying all the fees associated with her graduating from nursing, NCLEX, she would need a car once shes here, MY BILLS, her weekly spending allowance and her rent for her apartment and utilities, my house payment, etc.) I literally feel like that if someone told me that they would give her a green card automatically if I just stab a knife thru my hand. I would actually do it than go through all this.

Red flag!

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Red flag!

I agree...

If she's mandating how much money you have to send her now and doesn't care what your financial situation is then you really don't need that in your life.

[fozzie 41]

Red flag!

I have to say thats not the first time on VJ someone has told of how their SO demands more money, either for themselves or their families. They always seem to be from the same part of the world too.

Not to say all are like this but you'll be hard pressed to find an american woman or europena or south american woman doing the same.

Edited September 14, 2011 by fozzie

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

I have to say thats not the first time on VJ someone has told of how their SO demands more money, either for themselves or their families. They always seem to be from the same part of the world too.

Not to say all are like this but you'll be hard pressed to find an american woman or europena or south american woman doing the same.

It's not about where they're from, it's about 2 things:

1. The type of person the beneficiary is. I've read a lot of "it's because most of the country lives in poverty" which is just a BS excuse. While it's not uncommon for a family to depend on one member working overseas to support the whole family if you're with someone who wants you for you then they won't be doing this.

2. How level headed the US Citizen is. So many of these stories start with stories of how they were stricken by the beauty and attentiveness of their "Exotic Asian Beau" and as the story unfolds you realize how little they actually know of the person. If you've got your head on straight and are looking at the situation objectively then you can easily avoid this kind of woman.

When I met my wife (from the Philippines) she was living off savings she had accumulated while working. Her son was deaf and she was enjoying being a part of his life while she didn't have to work. She never asked me for a single penny and was looking for work as she was abut out of savings.

I made the choice to support her so she could be with Gabby. She protested and even sent receipts for every little expense to show me that she wasn't living large on the town despite my instance that she didn't need to provide such proof.

We're 4 weeks shy of knowing each other for 3 years and will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in January, not once have I regretted the day I met her.

[Fandango 1,439]

So going into debt just to appease your spouse is acceptable? Neither my wife or I think so...

I love my Pinay wife but even she will agree that most Philippine woman are conditioned on some level to manipulate people in their lives to get what they want. I guess that's true for all cultures...

Anyway, by giving in to the manipulation so early (even before they are married) he is setting a bad precedent.

Couldn't agree more. Although I cannot comment on what most Pinays do, I do see what she's doing as manipulative.

Money is money. Go into debt for a trip to make her feel better? That's pretty indulgent if you ask me. You are marrying a woman, your partner....not a child. You two are going to need to learn how to communicate better; when you say 'I can't afford it', that really should be the end of it because she will trust what you say.

Sure it's all well and good to talk about showing her she's a priority, etc. But that shouldn't mean going into debt or hurting your education to do so.

I would be a little concerned about the future and conflicts over money. This is a red flag imo, whether you choose to acknowledge that or not.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Sure it's all well and good to talk about showing her she's a priority, etc. But that shouldn't mean going into debt or hurting your education to do so.

I would say the fact that he has already supported the whole process financially and emotionally is going a long way in the "Showing her she's a priority" category...

[fozzie 41]

It's not about where they're from, it's about 2 things:

1. The type of person the beneficiary is. I've read a lot of "it's because most of the country lives in poverty" which is just a BS excuse. While it's not uncommon for a family to depend on one member working overseas to support the whole family if you're with someone who wants you for you then they won't be doing this.

2. How level headed the US Citizen is. So many of these stories start with stories of how they were stricken by the beauty and attentiveness of their "Exotic Asian Beau" and as the story unfolds you realize how little they actually know of the person. If you've got your head on straight and are looking at the situation objectively then you can easily avoid this kind of woman.

When I met my wife (from the Philippines) she was living off savings she had accumulated while working. Her son was deaf and she was enjoying being a part of his life while she didn't have to work. She never asked me for a single penny and was looking for work as she was abut out of savings.

I made the choice to support her so she could be with Gabby. She protested and even sent receipts for every little expense to show me that she wasn't living large on the town despite my instance that she didn't need to provide such proof.

We're 4 weeks shy of knowing each other for 3 years and will celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary in January, not once have I regretted the day I met her.

Just to be clear it's not my intention to tarnish a whole group with one small brush. I know many philippinas and know it's not true of most. However from my limited experience there does seem to be a cultural difference when it comes to relationships and the expectations of not only the spouse but the spouses family. It's just I see a lot of this on VJ, unless its the same people posting the same stories again and again.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Just to be clear it's not my intention to tarnish a whole group with one small brush. I know many philippinas and know it's not true of most. However from my limited experience there does seem to be a cultural difference when it comes to relationships and the expectations of not only the spouse but the spouses family. It's just I see a lot of this on VJ, unless its the same people posting the same stories again and again.

This is a much better statement than the previous one.

Your observation is correct but it's not just a Philippines thing it's more like an Asian Culture thing. Asian families are much more connected to their extended family than the average American family is. We do holidays together, they live in multi-generational houses.

Iv'e seen my wife have stronger connections to her cousins than many Americans have to their own siblings. They consider cousins' kids as their nieces & nephews.

It really is a beautiful thing. But like most great things there are always those who distort and twist it for their own purposes. Your average Filipino is a proud & hard working person. Unfortunately some have come to the conclusion that they don't need to do their fair share and can just live off the rest of the family without contributing. These are the ones who just want to get to America for the better life.

[Fandango 1,439]

I would say the fact that he has already supported the whole process financially and emotionally is going a long way in the "Showing her she's a priority" category...

I agree, I was just commenting on another poster's comment that by not going, he's showing her she's not a priority.

[Operator 1,927]

I have to say thats not the first time on VJ someone has told of how their SO demands more money, either for themselves or their families. They always seem to be from the same part of the world too.

Not to say all are like this but you'll be hard pressed to find an american woman or europena or south american woman doing the same.

I have to say that I respectfully disagree with you here and I find the stereotype Is still there even with the preface "not to say all are like this".

To give you the benefit of the doubt I'll ask you to help me understand your post better. Are you saying that Asian women are more likely to demand more money from their SO than women from North America, South America and Europe?

[maning 36]

Red flag!

Heh, just don't assume everything simply by just reading a post. She's a great girl. She lives far away from her family due to attending a great university (she graduated in April with a BSN degree and is now a RN in her country). She wanted the money to go home and spend time with her family. I just couldn't do it right now due to all the money being spent. Plus, I'm going there HOPEFULLY in October (once I get my NOA2!) for our visa interview and will be going to visit her family then.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Wow, some people have such a short term view. His books represent his education which will hopefully lead to a better career and a better life for him and his wife. Or take the limited, short term view and blow money you don't have now and screw the rest of your life.

Clearly the second option is the best option for all reasonable men and a way to demostrate your undying love and commitment to your future life together.

He asked opinions and I gave mine. No one else has to agree because you are not married to me (Nina jumps for joy!) I shall only suggest that men interested in traditional wives need to be prepared to be traditional men.

One could say the books are useless because such people may also lack the wherewithall to follow through on the inconveniences of an education which should be completed before you go marrying foreign spouses...just sayin' The excuse amounts to "I am not going because I need that money for our future" I doubt it. People who eschew one current responsibility to the deferrence of future ones are simply not believable. There is also the option (horror!) of getting a part time job to pay for the visit. I imagine that the people opining here have credit card balances for TV sets, stereo systems or furniture but do not think going into debt for the peace of mind of one's spouse is worth it.

There obviously are more than the 2 options you mention. They are not mutually exclusive, but it takes someone that does not limit their own possibilities to realize it. If one believes those are the only options, then they are

As this has turned into the "excuses for irresponsible people" thread I shall deposit my opinion and go on and leave you to make excuses. Between you, I am sure the OP will sleep better and will be all properly "bucked up" to disappoint his fiancee.