Getting a guilt trip from my fiancee...

[Paul and Haidee 11]

My fiancee is giving me a guilt trip because I may not be able to go to the Philippines for the interview because I may not have enough money. I still have to pay for more paperwork and make sure I have enough money for the bills in 2012. I am in college and don't have a regular full time job. I am looking for part time work during the semester but no luck yet. She keeps telling me that the "knows I just don't want to come" or that "she thinks I have the money but just dont want to use it to come there." I don't think she understands how bills work here. I have to pay rent, car payment, car insurance, gas, car maintenance, groceries, cell phone, taxes, etc. Any thoughts?

[Paul and Haidee 11]

In addition, I am living off my student loan refunds and the money I make from my internship, which this semester is my last semester of interning. I still also have to pay for books and tuition. Why doesn't she understand this?

[Alex & Rachel 78]

Like you say, she probably doesn't understand how bills work. Heck, before I had a car I had no idea how much running and maintaining a car cost! Similarly, tuition and textbook costs are far, far higher in the US than in most other countries.

Can you give her some hard numbers? Perhaps list all of your monthly expenses in a spreadsheet to show your outgoings? Perhaps you could even scan a receipt or two.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Like you say, she probably doesn't understand how bills work. Heck, before I had a car I had no idea how much running and maintaining a car cost! Similarly, tuition and textbook costs are far, far higher in the US than in most other countries.

Can you give her some hard numbers? Perhaps list all of your monthly expenses in a spreadsheet to show your outgoings? Perhaps you could even scan a receipt or two.

Yes you are right. I should do that. I just hope it gives her a better understanding.

[SMR 368]

Like you say, she probably doesn't understand how bills work. Heck, before I had a car I had no idea how much running and maintaining a car cost! Similarly, tuition and textbook costs are far, far higher in the US than in most other countries.

Can you give her some hard numbers? Perhaps list all of your monthly expenses in a spreadsheet to show your outgoings? Perhaps you could even scan a receipt or two.

Yes. Simply adding up income and comparing it to expenses over a period of time can be an eye-opener to a lot of people.

[awkwardsoul 20]

Yeah, that's tough, that's guilt tripping right there. I can get she'd want the support, but reassure her that the interview will go okay - and call you before and after she goes in to at least offer something for support. The process is stressful (and maybe she hasn't seen you in person in awhile?) so check into what else could help her out for the interview, maybe her bringing a family member or friend?

You could also go into your schedule too (along with money expenses on how much money comes in and out). My fiance probably won't be at my interview because taking time off work = more money lost.

And I guess you could also point out theres high cost in paying for the blasted K-1 visa process, then have to pay for moving, then have to keep money saved for wedding, honeymoon, and money to keep you both afloat until she is able to work.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Yeah, that's tough, that's guilt tripping right there. I can get she'd want the support, but reassure her that the interview will go okay - and call you before and after she goes in to at least offer something for support. The process is stressful (and maybe she hasn't seen you in person in awhile?) so check into what else could help her out for the interview, maybe her bringing a family member or friend?

You could also go into your schedule too (along with money expenses on how much money comes in and out). My fiance probably won't be at my interview because taking time off work = more money lost.

And I guess you could also point out theres high cost in paying for the blasted K-1 visa process, then have to pay for moving, then have to keep money saved for wedding, honeymoon, and money to keep you both afloat until she is able to work.

That is so true awkward soul. I can definitely call her before and after. I want to be there so bad with her but its hard to do with all these expenses and currently not working at a permanent job. I would have to take 2 weeks off which is about $1200 lost after taxes...unless I make up the time somehow. I am not sure if she realizes that either. She just thinks I don't want to be there which is so completely wrong. When she said that to me today, it made me feel like ####### because I wish I had the means to do everythind we need and want to do without thinking about it, but I don't. That is why I went back to college. Its just going to be some time before I graduate.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

You might want to hop over to the Philippines Regional Sub-Forum and get input from others who are engaged/married to Filipinas.

Over there money come in and goes out in dribbs and drabbs, most Filipinos don't have the luxury of having it "Pool-up" in an account so-to-speak.

Additionally, the cost of living is a tiny fraction of what it is in the US. They hear our income figured and forget that some of us are actually paying around $2,000 each month for the roof over our head (and that doesn't include utilities).

Open the books to her so she can see how the money is flowing, it will be quite a shock to her.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

You might want to hop over to the Philippines Regional Sub-Forum and get input from others who are engaged/married to Filipinas.

Over there money come in and goes out in dribbs and drabbs, most Filipinos don't have the luxury of having it "Pool-up" in an account so-to-speak.

Additionally, the cost of living is a tiny fraction of what it is in the US. They hear our income figured and forget that some of us are actually paying around $2,000 each month for the roof over our head (and that doesn't include utilities).

Open the books to her so she can see how the money is flowing, it will be quite a shock to her.

Thanks for the advice Bob 4 Anna. Right now, with all my expenses I am paying about $1500 per month, plus I need to save for the paperwork, engagement party, wedding, my plane ticket there, her plane ticket here, and I need to have about $9000 in savings just to make it through next year without working while I am in school. The problem I have is that I don't know if I am going to get a part time job for next year in this economy, and if I do, it will probably only pay $7.25 an hour, minus taxes of course.

[TBoneTX 45,303]

Also remember to budget for the AOS fees.

[Paul and Haidee 11]

Also remember to budget for the AOS fees.

Ah yes...those fees too. plus medical and passport. its all adding up

[Dan and Judy 614]

My fiancee is giving me a guilt trip because I may not be able to go to the Philippines for the interview because I may not have enough money. I still have to pay for more paperwork and make sure I have enough money for the bills in 2012. I am in college and don't have a regular full time job. I am looking for part time work during the semester but no luck yet. She keeps telling me that the "knows I just don't want to come" or that "she thinks I have the money but just dont want to use it to come there." I don't think she understands how bills work here. I have to pay rent, car payment, car insurance, gas, car maintenance, groceries, cell phone, taxes, etc. Any thoughts?

I don't know the numbers but I'm sure less than 10% of the guys go for the interview.

It's understandable that she could be intimidated by the process. If you swing into the PI forum you can find first hand accounts of what she can expect.

including what questions they will ask.

you can't afford to go,

You could tell her if she really wants you at the interview, You will finish college first, get a job so you can afford to be at the interview and then start the process over again.

[K and T 0]

I live in NJ and my wife (who lived in Toronto, 7.5 hours driving from NJ) had her interview in Montreal (5 hours driving away from NJ) and I still didnt go to her interview.

[Operator 1,927]

My two cents...She wants the support of you being with her. She has to do the medical and probably travel for the interview without you. By now she should know your financial situation, if not you owe it to yourself to get her clued in. Try to support her as best you can emotionally because she probably feels like the amount of effort she is putting in is a lot more than what you are doing. Don't try to feed her rational data about finances at this point, she's nervous and she wants to know that you are with her if not physically then emotionally.

Or; I am wrong and she's pi$$ed at you for not being there.

Do your best for her and hopefully it will all work out.

Good luck!

[Paul and Haidee 11]

My two cents...She wants the support of you being with her. She has to do the medical and probably travel for the interview without you. By now she should know your financial situation, if not you owe it to yourself to get her clued in. Try to support her as best you can emotionally because she probably feels like the amount of effort she is putting in is a lot more than what you are doing. Don't try to feed her rational data about finances at this point, she's nervous and she wants to know that you are with her if not physically then emotionally.

Or; I am wrong and she's pi$$ed at you for not being there.

Do your best for her and hopefully it will all work out.

Good luck!

I know she wants me to be there and I want to be there badly too, but I need to think about how we are going to pay rent and utilities when she gets here. What good is me going there if we end up homeless here? I feel quilty because I told her I would have enough to go but then realized that the paperwork is going to cost much more than I anticipated. I wish I had made better decisions and graduated college 11 years ago when I should have but I didn't. When we met, I was working full time and everything was fine, but then I was let go and I decided to go back to college to make something of myself. I do admire her for staying with me even though she knows of my financial situation. I just need her to understand that just because I am getting a paycheck every two weeks right now until December, doesn't mean I can just spend that money without consequence. I need to get caught up on bills and save for next years expenses, which will increase when she gets here. I want to be there to hold her hand at the embassy and tell the interviewer that we are madly in love, but I just don't know if it can happen because of lack of money. I am getting no help from ANYONE at this point. I am doing it all on my own and I have to anticipate that I will continue to do it all on my own. I think she is having trouble looking at the big picture in the grand scheme of things. We have to make choices as to what we can and cannot do right now. With that being said, however, I want to badly to be there. I miss her and I miss The Philippines. I want to meet the rest of her family. I am so torn and broken hearted and sad. Sorry for rambling.