How do you deal with the overwhelming depression....

[Rufus2012 175]

Right on cue...

You say "everything" has been done and then mention only things for the visa.

Someone should pin your response to the top of the message board, you've covered a good deal of what people should be planning for and it is clear they do not (never mind the bigger questions about the relationships themselves).

As for us, it's all done, including me cleaning out closets weeks ago so her stuff (for which she has a shipper already once she has visa in hand). There's nothing you enumerated that I haven't done already, and a whole host of other things specific to our situation.

For me, it is all about USCIS at this point. I wait and wait for my government, the institution which confiscates 1/3rd+ of my labors, to grant me permission to live my life.

[PantomimeGoose 59]

It's just a little pedantic, when someone asks how to cope with loneliness and sadness, to respond by trivializing their suffering.

I think planning for your life together is great advice, but it doesn't really get to the heart of the emotional issues associated with separation, and it's not necessarily a panacea for them. Some couples (myself and husband included) do not have the same extent of cultural barriers nor child considerations. Many people have had years to make careful plans and see said plans succeed, without fully being able to share the joy with their SO. On the other hand, many of those careful plans fall apart in the meantime. 

On the other other hand, some of those plans don't always require that much planning in the first place- like that big inter-state move you were talking about, which was another event my husband missed, and which took a grand total of two weeks to organize and execute.  It can get a little emotionally draining sometimes to talk/think endlessly about the little upcoming details and all the wonderful things you will do mythical someday.

So yes over the past two years, we've given great thought to what life in America will be like for PantomimeGander. Though I'm sure the DMV will be even more annoying than usual, I'm not excessively cheered by thinking soothing thoughts about more bureaucracy. The "process" is not the real obstacle. 

For the record, the first six months, believing the end was in sight, was comparatively only a little bit of a bummer for us too. 

[fozzie 41]

I think Gary's post is very informative and I agree that people should be thinking about this stuff as it is both necessary and a way of keeping occupied and moving forwards. Unfortunately he just seems a little emotionally immature about it and the tone he strikes is a little aggressive and impatient. Just my opinion.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

Someone should pin your response to the top of the message board, you've covered a good deal of what people should be planning for and it is clear they do not (never mind the bigger questions about the relationships themselves).

As for us, it's all done, including me cleaning out closets weeks ago so her stuff (for which she has a shipper already once she has visa in hand). There's nothing you enumerated that I haven't done already, and a whole host of other things specific to our situation.

For me, it is all about USCIS at this point. I wait and wait for my government, the institution which confiscates 1/3rd+ of my labors, to grant me permission to live my life.

I think some of my advice HAS been pinned.

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

I think Gary's post is very informative and I agree that people should be thinking about this stuff as it is both necessary and a way of keeping occupied and moving forwards. Unfortunately he just seems a little emotionally immature about it and the tone he strikes is a little aggressive and impatient. Just my opinion.

Someone asked for opinions on how to avoid depression while waiting. And posited here is an opinion that one of the people answering is emotionally immature. Good. Helpful.

I do not find circle jerks where everyone bashes some faceless department of the government to be helpful to my family (not that I am a big fan of the government ) my stress levels or good at preventing depression. Forgive me.

[feli114 65]

It's just so hard, so darn hard sometimes to just focus on life sometimes when your SO is on the other side of the world.

I feel like all the things I used to enjoy doing just aren't fun anymore, especially without him here. I keep thinking, "I wish K was here" or "K would have really liked this" or this is so much more fun when K is doing this with me"

The more free time I have, the more I go crazy. I've been thinking of getting a second part time job just to fill the empty weekend space.

I've also developed a few new hobbies to keep me from going insane:

-knitting/crocheting

-running

-quilting

-stitching some new tunics/ salwar kameez and other traditional Indian clothing

-Learning how to cook Indian food better

-Learning Hindi

-And once in a while, planning our future wedding

We all know it hurts, I'm just curious, what does everyone else do to distract themselves from the pain and frustration of being apart from their loved ones?

~A

i HAVE 3 JOBS! i UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY!!!!!!!!!!

[Rufus2012 175]

I do not find circle jerks where everyone bashes some faceless department of the government to be helpful to my family (not that I am a big fan of the government ) my stress levels or good at preventing depression. Forgive me.

If you think the thread is a circle jerk, why get involved in the first place?

[Gary and Alla 3,694]

If you think the thread is a circle jerk, why get involved in the first place?

Trying to make it not one. If I am disappointed it is only due to unrealistic expectations I guess.

If someone is just a whiner and just wants to whine, then say so and I will stay out of it.

[Amy_and_Victor 159]

How about we all agree that everyone has a different way of dealing with the emotions one goes through during a long separation from their significant other? We can all agree, I think, that the distance can be challenging emotionally.

Victor and I just try to keep busy and stay proactive about planning our future together. We of course have times where we feel very sad missing each other, and go through bits of depression sometimes. It's normal, I feel, but we always manage to get through it feeling stronger about our love and more positive about our future! We always miss each other, of course, even when we're having an "easier" time with it (not feeling very depressed). The key is to be there for each other, and it will strengthen your love! Also, we try to remember, even when it's really hard, that the unique nature of our long distance/international relationship helps us appreciate each other more than some couples who've always been together physically and never had to wait for each other.

Since we have mountains of chat logs, he and I have split them up and are each working on reading through them to find really good ones for him to take with him to his interview, since taking all of them would require a small cart with wheels. Recently that has been something to keep me busy in the evenings, and it's really fun to read our past chats!

I know that people with something like a 12-hour time difference have a very hard time because it's hard to coordinate times to talk, and I understand that can be very challenging...but try to remember that being so far away is only temporary, and before you know it, you'll be living together all your lives!

[Rufus2012 175]

If someone is just a whiner and just wants to whine, then say so and I will stay out of it.

Some guy asking for strategies to deal with the emotional burden of this artificially imposed separation is a "whiner"? You're all heart.

[PantomimeGoose 59]

A couple of good prep/passing the time things that haven't been mentioned:

This will sound odd but, make a list of grocery store brands for various products that you like/are good value/or are brand-irrelevant for when your spouse is trying to adjust. Include things you like, and things your spouse might like, as well as anything to avoid. One of the most weirdly disorienting things in the world is going into a grocery store to shop and having no brand recognition whatsoever.

A second thing, which helps me with the separation, is learning more about an interest we don't naturally share. Does he/she love cooking or a sport or botany or history or cars? Surf the web. Read some books. Pick up a few facts. Maybe think of a perfect special gift for next holiday. It helps me remember my husband as a unique person, separate from the blanks my memory tries to fill in when he's gone.

A third: start a private book club, take parallel classes, or make the effort to learn about something together. It will be something to dwell on instead of the separation, and a way to keep growing side by side even though you're apart.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

It's just a little pedantic, when someone asks how to cope with loneliness and sadness, to respond by trivializing their suffering.

I think planning for your life together is great advice, but it doesn't really get to the heart of the emotional issues associated with separation, and it's not necessarily a panacea for them. Some couples (myself and husband included) do not have the same extent of cultural barriers nor child considerations. Many people have had years to make careful plans and see said plans succeed, without fully being able to share the joy with their SO. On the other hand, many of those careful plans fall apart in the meantime.

I personally don't like to plan too many details because of this very fact. Gary's advice is very spot on but when dealing with a high fraud consulate like New Delhi, those plans can be shattered by a visa denial or worse the black hole of AP/AR.

My fiance and I are well versed in the process now, including after we are married. But I think shipping his stuff here in advance is a little presumptuous. While, like everyone, I imagine us having a smooth process without any bumps but on the flip side I'm also preparing myself for the very strong possibility of us getting a 221g, a denial, or being placed into AP. I don't like to consider it pessimism, but rather realistic thinking.

I think this topic got a little out of hand and deviated from the original message I was trying to get across. The original point of this topic was so that we could all share coping mechanisms we use to deal with the stress of the absence of the ones we love. In the past I had much more difficulties coping with the absence of K but I'm getting better. It just gets easier over time. You learn what works and what doesn't.

I'm not trying to whine, I'm just not made of steel.

[AKSinghSingh79 143]

A couple of good prep/passing the time things that haven't been mentioned:

This will sound odd but, make a list of grocery store brands for various products that you like/are good value/or are brand-irrelevant for when your spouse is trying to adjust. Include things you like, and things your spouse might like, as well as anything to avoid. One of the most weirdly disorienting things in the world is going into a grocery store to shop and having no brand recognition whatsoever.

I love this idea. I've already located the nearest Indian grocery for his convenience. Wasn't too hard, since I already shop there regularly

A second thing, which helps me with the separation, is learning more about an interest we don't naturally share. Does he/she love cooking or a sport or botany or history or cars? Surf the web. Read some books. Pick up a few facts. Maybe think of a perfect special gift for next holiday. It helps me remember my husband as a unique person, separate from the blanks my memory tries to fill in when he's gone.

A third: start a private book club, take parallel classes, or make the effort to learn about something together. It will be something to dwell on instead of the separation, and a way to keep growing side by side even though you're apart.

I love the idea of parallel classes. Unfortunately, India is not a country where there is easily accessible, especially in the area where my fiance lives. But I've been trying to get him to take yoga classes in Rishikesh which is the yoga capital of the world!

[fozzie 41]

It sounds like you already have a long list of hobbies and activities to keep you busy and occupied, not sure what more you can do in that respect. My advice is just always keep the communication lines open, talk about how you feel to your friends and family and here on VJ. My situation was very different, back in the days when the K1 was issues in 3 months so i was not separtaed for as long. However we spoke on skype everyday, even if it was 3am due to conflicting schedules and time zones. Seeing them and hearing their voice everyday will help and if you can afford it (without going into debt or jeopardizing your financial security) go visit as often as you can.

Apart from that, good luck and stay positive.

[carolynhotstuff 252]

Thank you Gary for your excellent advice. My husband had his visa interview long ago. We have been in AR/AP for 9 months and I have been too focused on that. Depression has become my middle name and I have not prepared myself or the house for his arrival.

He wants to work full-time and go to college part time when he finally gets his visa. There are job training programs and 5 colleges in my area. I have not looked into any of that for him. Also 2 hospitals are close by for volunteer work.

Starting today instead of sitting on my butt, going woe is me, I will start preparing for when he gets here. Thank you again for your advice.