need to make impotant decision.. need help

[mar2011 1]

Thanks for your comments.I appreciate your help. I agree with you that he should have told me about his idea of signing a contract before. He knows that if he had offered me to do that in Ukraine I would have never agreed. I don't think that his dad is forcing him to sing it. I dontthink that he had spoken to his dad about it. His parents are very nice to me and I talked to his mum today. She says that he has always been kinda secretive as a kid and when grown up.he and I are both 24 y.o. I found out from his mum today that when we needed acosponsor for my k-1he didn't even ask his dad.he asked a different person and his dad was surprised about it.actually his mum says that his dad offered to be a sponsor but my fiancé refused his help. I don't know why and they understand it either. His parents know about my k-1visa and that it is for 90 days and that the purpose is to get married or go home. I even once heard them discussing my visa and his aunt offered me help with the documents for thr adjustment of status (that was said in front of his mum). So the family knows... But he stills wants to do it secretely. He says we should do that and then we wil move out and live in our own place.I think it's not fair to them...sometimes when I talk to his mum I feel like she expects smth like that tohappen but I'm even afraid to think how hurt and maybe angry they will be..

[rlogan 2,036]

My fiance never told me about his desire to sign a marriage contract before (he knows that i dont like this idea because I believe people do it when they dont trust each other completely).

So he decided to conceal his demand until he had you here. This is called a "double bind" in manipulative literature. It won't be the only time he's used it on you. The cost of leaving him is high since you are already here. The contract is not something you want to do. Two bad choices. If he had been honest about this and other things he has concealed from you, you would not have come here.

So get ready for a lifetime of this guy concealing things from you until he's got you trapped. It is how he will get you to do all kinds of things you don't want to do.

You would never do such a thing to another person because you have a conscience. He doesn't.

He works in his father's company... we live in his parents house now... so pretty much he doesnt have many things of his own.. but he told me today that he wants to hire a lawyer to sign a marriage contract.. he didnt tell me much about it... only that this contract will somehow give him more chances to inherit his father's company in the future... and in case of divorce we will not have to deal with 50;50 sharing of things... what's mine will be mine and what's his will be his, he said "it will be like we are just boyfriend and girlfriend.. dont worry about it... it doesnt really mean anything"...

pffft. If it didn't mean anything, he wouldn't be doing it. This guy is a manipulative liar that still lives with his mommy and daddy. He can't even own up to his own abusive tactics. Blaming Daddy. What a man.

besides that they have kinda strange relationships in their family.. they go on a vacation without telling anybody about it *(like is sister just left to a different state without telling anybody).. his mum says that all of her kids (including my fiance) act like that.. so yeah.. he wants us to get married without telling the date to his parents.. he wants us to tell them that we got married after we get married.. i feel very confused.. I dont really understand their relationships in the family but the thing about not telling the date to the parents and especially this stupid contract bother me a lot...

Huge red flags. These bother you because he is a manipulative offspring of a manipulative family. If you like feeling like this, get used to it because the rest of your life is going to feel even worse. Just wait until he tells you the stuff he's still concealing from you.

he swears he loves me and trusts me, and that this contract is mostly for his dad.. but i feel that something is wrong.. I dont know what to do.. sometimes I really want to take my things and go home but at the same time i love this person.. all this situation makes me feel bad... has anybody ever had anything like that? what are your thoughts about all this? I would be happy to hear your ideas and comments..

Leave him. Go home. The fact you feel bad is the most important thing you should be listening to. You are not in love with him. You are in love with the imaginary person you would like him to be - not the person you keep making excuses for.

I've been scammed. You have to forget about what you put into this because you just can't sacrifice the rest of your life for a loser/abuser like this. Good luck.

[Married2009 32]

If you sign the contract, make sure there are provisions for any children from the marriage.

That said, not only would I not sign the contract (simply because of the way he approached it), I wouldn't marry him without his parents in attendance, or at least acknowledgement of the date and time. He's hiding, or trying to, something. This doesn't feel right. My husband's family did not attend our wedding (too much money to fly to fly 4 from Canada to Texas during holiday season), but they were informed and invited beforehand. I agree with previous posters - if you choose to marry this person, be prepared for stuff like this for the rest of your marriage.

In my opinion, too many issues, not enough time to resolve them. It is very easy to promote an 'ideal person' long distance. Who he is now (that you are here) is the real person. Rethink this, please.

Edited September 7, 2011 by Married2009

[Dan and Judy 614]

Thanks for your comments.I appreciate your help. I agree with you that he should have told me about his idea of signing a contract before. He knows that if he had offered me to do that in Ukraine I would have never agreed. I don't think that his dad is forcing him to sing it. I dontthink that he had spoken to his dad about it. His parents are very nice to me and I talked to his mum today. She says that he has always been kinda secretive as a kid and when grown up.he and I are both 24 y.o. I found out from his mum today that when we needed acosponsor for my k-1he didn't even ask his dad.he asked a different person and his dad was surprised about it.actually his mum says that his dad offered to be a sponsor but my fiancé refused his help. I don't know why and they understand it either. His parents know about my k-1visa and that it is for 90 days and that the purpose is to get married or go home. I even once heard them discussing my visa and his aunt offered me help with the documents for thr adjustment of status (that was said in front of his mum). So the family knows... But he stills wants to do it secretely. He says we should do that and then we wil move out and live in our own place.I think it's not fair to them...sometimes when I talk to his mum I feel like she expects smth like that tohappen but I'm even afraid to think how hurt and maybe angry they will be..

He is 24, working for his dad and dosn't make enough money to sponsor you by himself. He is living with his parents now.

I would guess the secreteness is an attempt to be independent. A very lame attempt.

He is completely dependent upon them.

24 years old is too young to be hoping for your dad to kick the bucket so you''ll inherit the company and be rich.

If he didn't earn enough to sponsor you by himself, how is he going to move out?

Probably the best thing to do is tell him you are not going to marry him and wish to go home.

An inbetween step would be to just tell him firmly you are not going to sign a pre nup period.

Maybe he will call the whole thing off, which would certainly prove that marrying him was not a good idea in the first place.

His reaction to that could tell you a lot more about him.

I see a lot more problems than just whether or not to sign the pre nup.

If he turns into a complete butt when you tell him no prenup, there is a good chance his mom would help you with your ticket home

[106206 15]

I will try to share with you my views and hope that it helps you make a better decision.

First off, "Prenups" or Prenuptuial Agreements as we refer to them here in the USA are an incresingly common part of marriage.

There are as some have pointed out already, some philosophical questions to ask around if a prenup is right for you. I feel you have to start there and if you're not open to it, then you should not go there. I feel love is compromise but should never mean giving up your core values.

So - assuming you are willing to entertain the concept - a prenup is kind of like a will - it basically says if a situation happens, how the parties agree to deal with that situation. Unlike death, which imminent, divorice is not imminent (and hopefully never happens).

All this said - there are a few things to consider:

---

1. A prenup is not about simply "protecting your stuff" but it is about simplifying things should divorce be a reality. A well written prenup will explain how you will divide your assets, and what is left for interpretation or later agreement vs. pre-negotiated. As to HOW you divide things, it is completely up to you. You can write a prenup that says you will split everything 50/50 and not seek alimony just as well as you can write one that says you will divide marital property 50/50 and named personal property will not be shared. The last thing you want in a divorce is lawyers eating up your money fighting for assets that you will never see because of the legal bills (ironic).

2. A prenup does not have to be cast in stone forever. You can write what is called a 'sunset' clause that makes one part of the contract or the whole contract become void at a point in the future. You can write a prenup that expires after 10 years. You can write a prenup that expires after 10 years except for his pension or any estate he's named in. You have flexibility.

3. A prenup needs to be something that both parties are vested in and that their interests are considered mutually. For example, if I do not give you anything should we divorce, and I keep all my property in my name, and I do not have you named in a will, then you would not expect to see anything when I die. So if I own the house in my name, and we have a family, and I die, you *could* end up on the street homeless. So you might put in the prenup that I need to keep a life insurance policy with you as beneficiary up to the amount of our house. Just one example.

4. Prenups are not something you "spring" on people. I think you start talking prenup before you propose, not after you propose, and certainly not when the wedding is around the corner. This might sound like purely a values argument, but also you cannot expect contracts to be enforcable when they are signed under duress (pressure).

You might gather from above that I am an advocate of the prenup and that would be true. But again this is not a sales job its about fundamentals and if you fundamentally can accept the concept (if not agree with it outright) then you need to figure out what's in your best interests both as a couple and as an individual. If you do not agree with it, then I would not go there. Ever buy a car and feel like you got a crappy deal? How would you feel if that was your marriage?

As to your original post, this really did catch me off guard:

only that this contract will somehow give him more chances to inherit his father's company in the future... and in case of divorce we will not have to deal with 50;50 sharing of things... what's mine will be mine and what's his will be his, he said "it will be like we are just boyfriend and girlfriend.. dont worry about it... it doesnt really mean anything".

Marriage is not about being boyfriend and girlfriend. It's about being husband and wife. And if he understood anything about common law marriage he would rethink his statement. Saying 50/50 and "what's mind is mine" says that he's not willing to share. Where is the "what's ours is ours" part? I'm not against him protecting a 401k, an estate he's party to, his dad's company, or something like that, but those are specific things. And even those can be sunset over time. This guy sounds like he really just wants to "cover his ####". How does his statement make yout feel about his idea of you as a married couple? I think if more people thought like this then they would not see a prenup as a bad thing. It's not the contract, it's the terms you put in there. I think you and your fiancee need to talk about this more and you need to determine if the maturity he brings to the relationship meets your expectations.

Edited September 20, 2011 by caterino

[Tahoma 2,292]

...i feel very confused...

...i feel that something is wrong...

...all this situation makes me feel bad...

Leave him. Go home. The fact you feel bad is the most important thing you should be listening to. You are not in love with him. You are in love with the imaginary person you would like him to be - not the person you keep making excuses for.

+1 Brother Robert...

OP...Please listen to our feelings. The problem is your fiancé. The prenup is only a symptom of the problem.

[kennym 275]

What an odd opportunity to make it about you. 'refrain from insulting our institution'??? Yours and Alla? Who cares if you think this guy is insulting your institution??? He doesn't even know you.

Happy Bunny, This is soo funny, I didnt see it that way, very odd that you did...

Sooo hilarious...

[kennym 275]

Mar2011

It seems you have a good relationship with his family.. On the surface, the contract seems normal for someone who has a business to protect.. Otherwise, I would make sure it diferentiates between the business and personal property..

Aside from that, I get the sense and it seems that you also sense some potential red-flags.. Be very careful.. You have the right to be sure about your future.. Do not let anyone manipulate you or trap you into something you aren't comfortable with..

Kenny

[EminTX 131]

If you think he is being manipulative now, wait until you have a kid or two thrown into the mixture.

My own POV about the pre-nup involves my age. If I did not actually own any property AND have a child of my own, I would not consider it at all. But, I do. We (my son and I) began buying this house when he was 11 years old. He has heard since then that this house will be his. He always told me that he did not want it for himself at all, but sure enough, when I announced my impending marriage, that was one of the first things he questioned. We could have a pre-nup giving the home to my son when my spouse no longer lives there in the event of my premature death. BUT...what if we have a baby?

I brought up the pre-nup question to my fiance and he said told me that he is fine with whatever. Our plans are to build a home in his country after moving from our home here so hopefully, this won't matter. I want him to have as few financial/property worries as possible when I am gone.

It can get so complicated.

A pre-nup is the USA's answer to other cultures' requirement to marry within the family. (If you marry your cousin, Grandpa's business has no where to go!)

[Oksana & Max 94]

Marriage contract??? I would never do it just read this and make your mind.

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,' and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh' ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." (Matthew, 19:4-6)

Obviously he is trying to get welthy on his father, which would be nothing wrong with that, but just re-read the words above.

[littlecrazyangel 1]

hi!

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. His dad has a family business and my fiance wanted me to sign a marriage contract to protect his assets in case of a divorce.

We spoke about this before getting married and I was ok with this. I didn't get married for money. And things change.

The only bad thing was that when we signed the contract the layer was rude and disrespectful. Hire your own layer.