Overseas Employment and Custody

[RelocationMom 0]

I need some help. I live in Idaho. I have joint legal and physical custody of my 10 year old son (50-50) with my ex-husband. We have been divorced for 6 years, separated for 8. We do a 5-2-2 schedule. Both of us have been really flexible and have a good “working” relationship for our son’s sake. The past year and a half my husband and I have been unemployed due to the economy. My current husband moved here from another state because of my son and me. The unemployment is about to run out. My ex has had not very stable employment either. After 250+ employment applications, my husband was offered a 3 year contract overseas.

I approached my ex about this offer (to keep him in the loop as a courtesy and as ordered by the custody agreement), explained the situation, offered to modify the custody schedule, explained the incredible schooling opportunity and life experience opportunities and he stated,” I guess you are going to miss ______. I won’t let him leave the country.”

Obviously, we both care and are actively involved in our son’s life. You were able to set aside differences years ago and focus on him. We both want what is best and this discussion is not to be taken lightly. The move and change of custody schedule changes will in some ways be initially disruptive, but our quality of life will improve. I offered various scenarios, like a year on, year off will liberal visitation, including housing my ex to visit or flying my son there. Or for us to have my son for the major breaks for blocks of time, like Christmas, Spring Break and summer break, etc.

Originally, my ex-husband refused to let my son leave the state of Idaho. Now, he allows vacations with other family members out of the state for the past few years. I also have a 16 year old daughter. She is graduating high school this year, would stay with my mother for 6 months to graduate, and then join us for college/university.

I do know that I can’t even get a passport, let alone the Visa, without my ex-husbands cooperation and consent. Again, I do not want to take my son from his father and he is a good father. I am trying very hard to sympathize and empathize with my ex's fears, concerns, etc. We both want what is best for our son. And I think it would be detrimental for my son to not have visitation with me. Can my ex “Veto” my parental rights because we need to move to keep a roof over our heads? My ex is struggling financially, too. I know we may have to get a lawyer and neither party can afford it. Any advice?

Edited September 1, 2011 by RelocationMom

[Casprd 167]

You can get a passport for your son, but you won't be able to take him out of the country without your ex-husbands consent. He can't veto your parental rights, but if you leave the country, he can petition for sole physical custody and be pretty restrictive for allowing your son to travel overseas to visit you. You two may need to sit down with a mediator to hash out an arrangement. I can completely understand his not wanting his son to move out of the country. Even letting him travel to visit you overseas is an iffy proposition as there are too many horror stories of custody battles gone wrong when the child is not on US soil. Basically at that point, US law has no real jurisdiction and unless the country of residence has signed the Hague Convention treaties then he will have no legal standing for trying to enforce any US court order.

It's a tough situation and it will take some serious negotiations to get through. Personally I think having your son move with you is going to be a non-starter and seems that is your ex-husbands reaction too. I'd look at getting an non-biased third party to help you guys hammer out an agreement.

[RelocationMom 0]

Thanks Capsrd. I totally understand where he is coming from as well. I tried to think about how he would feel in terms of how I would feel if he proposed the same thing to me. Roles reversed, I would upset at first, but, I would let my son go due to the experience and and his bond with his father. I do understand the sensational media aspect of kidnappings etc. I do not think my son moving initially with would be responsible on my part even if it was an option. There are many things that need to be set-up prior to my son being there. I will look into mediation. This is a hard situation.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Strictly from an outsiders point of view, and that of not actually being a parent, this is my feeling on it...

Your son is 10. He's not far off his teens, these are the years he will need his father figure (and so his ACTUAL father) and this is probably what your ex is concerned about, that your son will bond more closely with your new husband, be "formed" by your new husband rather than by him.

These are the years that kids start to turn more into actual people. Their personality really starts to shine through and you're asking him to give that up.

Much as I think you've convinced yourself that you would be okay with it, if your son was taken to another country, where you couldn't visit, to live with your ex and his wife and start a new life without you around and without your influence you wouldn't be okay with it. Just like you're so upset right now at the idea of him NOT coming with you, except assume it's somewhere where you were unable to visit freely.

I completely understand how upset you are that this is something you HAVE to do and that you need to leave your child behind but you're asking your ex and your son to pay the price of your financial troubles with their relationship (and it sucks that instead you will be the one changing your relationship with your son). I would try the option of permitting visits to YOU and letting him remain living with his father the majority of a time. I would also investigate the child abduction rules so that you can show your ex that you've looked into the risks for him to allow your son to visit you. But don't be surprised if he doesn't want his son in a place where it's hard to get him back (I know I would be uncomfortable with it).

Edited September 2, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[Aztec&Taino 144]

It certainly is a tough situation. It also seems as though the idea is fresh and also fresh is the conversation with your child's father. Really try to talk to him about many possibilities; including ones you may not want but would constitute a good compromise. It also seems to me as though it would be better for you to stay in the US for the 6 months that your daughter needs to finish high school. By doing this, you could make sure that your husband is settled in his job and has prepared to welcome you in a new life and country. It would also buy you time to keep on talking and negotiating with yout ex.

[sam357 4]

You cannot get a passport without your husbands consent for any minor under 16. I have been through this as well. My ex has primary custody of my son and each renewal I have to send a notarized copy consenting to it. You can find more info here:

http://travel.state.gov/passport/get/minors/minors_834.html

[Ban Hammer 13,545]

is there some sort of immigration aspect of this?

maybe i'm reading the op wrong, but it seems like all are usc's.

[RelocationMom 0]

is there some sort of immigration aspect of this?

maybe i'm reading the op wrong, but it seems like all are usc's.

Yes, we are all USC.

[William33 110]

RelocationMom,

With all due respect, this is a family based immigration website, whereas one party hails from another country; with the objective of immigration to the USA.

That said, you are entering uncharted territory here and any advice given is not consistent with the expertise of the membership here.

From my perspective of VisaJourney, Terms of Service (TOS), you can post your questions. However, I offer the warning that your circumstances are not routine to this website. Your posted advice will vary greatly, in terms of accuracy.

We wish you all the best on your issue.

Regards,

VJ Moderation.

[RelocationMom 0]

Thank you. I was not certain where to turn for advice. If anyone has suggestions of a more appropriate forum, please let me know!