American men with Asian wives: what are your thoughts on living with her parents/ your in-laws?

[luckytxn 2,264]

@luckytxn : I shouldn't be laughing but I find your situation amusing because it is so similar to ours, except at least living with you MIL is not the only option for you, like it is for us . We're not religious so a civil wedding was enough, though the fact that our engagement was private (American style) and that he did not bring his parents to their house to ask for my hand still gets brought up once in a while (to me of course, but I don't tell my husband to save him from the "guilt").

I cannot even count how many times we were pressured to have a baby as soon as possible. To put it into perspective, I am 25, my husband is 24, we're both in grad school which will take another 4 years if not more, so having a baby is not even remotely in our agenda. My parents' reason for this is that if we wait too long to have a child, it will be unhealthy, to which I reply by saying that making babies is not the ultimate goal of our union, and that we're not against adoption (which is actually the truth) if it comes to that. As you can probably imagine, their blood pressure went through the roof everytime this conversation happened (lol, I just realized I'm a terrible daughter)

It is OK to laugh and I do at it. That is why I posted it. If my mother-in-law were to need to move here and in with us I would be OK. It would be tough on the wife more than I but I would survive.

[ScottThuy 140]

@ScottThuy: my husband has never lived with my parents. As we met in college and got married in the US, he never visited Vietnam (we are saving up for the trip, hopefully next summer). Beyond the wedding, the only time he was in direct contact with my parents was when my sister had a baby in Houston, and we flew in to visit for a few days while my mom was staying there to help my sister out. He got along well with my family, but at the same time, he did feel like an outsider. It's understandable as everyone but him spoke Vietnamese; even though my sister speaks English she barely made an effort to talk to him, my brother in law was much nicer. Beyond being the translator for my mom and him, it was really difficult for me to be a culture bridge between them, because I sometimes felt like an outsider too. I'm much more comfortable around my husband than my parents and sister, for better or worse.

I have talked to my husband about the future possibility of living with my parents, and he said he had no objection to it, but we never really discussed it in details. My parents seem to be set with the idea of living with either me or my sister, but my sister doesn't get along well with them like I do, so as of now they are leaning towards living with me. You are absolutely right, my family is not very inclined to compromise. I think my parents secretly wished that I had married a Vietnamese guy (they even made multiple attempts at setting me up with sons of their friends in the US), even though they could find nothing to complain about my husband outside the fact that he doesn't speak Vietnamese. I rebelled and decided to get married by myself, without the usual permission seeking routine, and am still occasionally reminded of my "guilt." I am afraid that when we live together under the same roof, this sentiment will be more clearly shown, and it will hurt my husband. My husband is extremely mellow and reasonable, so if there is a war between my family and him, I most likely will be on his side.

That's so great that you would love to live with your in-laws! I imagine them to be wonderful, caring people. Are they living by themselves in Vietnam, or with other family members? The problem with my family is that there are only 4 of us, and we're not close enough to our extended family (very unusual for Vietnamese people) for my parents to live with them when they are older.

Wow.. he hasnt lived yet.. hasn't been to VN? He's missin out. but that aside, he may be in for a culture shock as it sounds like much of the adjusting was done by you before you got together... Her family all live very close together. eat together regularly. MY FIL's side of the family didnt aknowledge our wedding until they met me. I understand where you are coming from as far as the culture and the expectations.

In the states we seem to do things in the laziest ways possible. wash clothes by hand and take good care of them or throw them in the machine? My MIL would take a while to get adjusted to that much the same way my wife has. Your family is used to eating VN food every meal... your husband likely only gets it when you cook it or maybe a vn restaurant in town... We have had a few discussions on here about the culture shock of US food...

[sealavender 0]

Not trying to be funny. You need to prepare your husband for the smells and sounds that would be a part of the parents moving in with you.

I am assuming that your folks have a diet that consists almost exclusively of VN foods. That can be quite a change if that becomes the dominant aroma in the household. Also, if he would feel like an outsider in his own home ( the possible language barrier, meals).

Discussing and visiting often enough to get a sense of what would be to come can only help you two to create a game plan.

I know what you mean about the food smell. Yes my parents eat almost exclusively Viet food, with heavy emphasis on the "nuoc mam" . We will have to work out a system to minimize that, not only for my husband but for me as well. One good thing though, my parents have been living on and off in Prague in an apartment for almost two decades, and according to them their neighbors will call the cops if the cooking smell becomes too overwhelming, so I'm hoping they know how to cook Viet food without the smell lingering in the house Of course before any cohabitation can happen, we will try to do as much visiting as possible, depending on what we can afford (my parents have no issue with traveling expense, unlike us, so it might work better for them to come here)

As far as the language barrier goes, my husband wants to learn Vietnamese to talk to my parents, but as a grad student his time is really limited. I try to teach him some once in a while, but I'm not a very patient teacher, and I'm also a grad student with limited time Has anyone tried Rosetta Stone for Vietnamese? Is it any good?

[sealavender 0]

Wow.. he hasnt lived yet.. hasn't been to VN? He's missin out. but that aside, he may be in for a culture shock as it sounds like much of the adjusting was done by you before you got together... Her family all live very close together. eat together regularly. MY FIL's side of the family didnt aknowledge our wedding until they met me. I understand where you are coming from as far as the culture and the expectations.

In the states we seem to do things in the laziest ways possible. wash clothes by hand and take good care of them or throw them in the machine? My MIL would take a while to get adjusted to that much the same way my wife has. Your family is used to eating VN food every meal... your husband likely only gets it when you cook it or maybe a vn restaurant in town... We have had a few discussions on here about the culture shock of US food...

We're trying our best to save for the trip, hopefully we will be able to make it next summer ( I would prefer going during Tet season when it's not as hot, but we normally have to TA during the school year, and airfare will be really expensive). My husband got a taste of Vietnamese family meals and social gatherings during our trip to Houston to visit my sister; he even held his liquor pretty well when people were pressuring him to drink. Still, I want to show him as much as possible during our trip to Vietnam. We both can't wait to go to Nha Trang to scuba dive

If my parents live with us, they will most likely require Vietnamese food. My husband and I are diverse eaters, we love trying new restaurants and cooking new foods, on the other hand my parents didn't seem to like it very much when I tried to get them to taste Indian food . I LOVE American appliances, but yep my mom will never touch a dishwasher or an oven. She thinks they waste too much electricity/water, which is very far from the truth

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I know what you mean about the food smell. Yes my parents eat almost exclusively Viet food, with heavy emphasis on the "nuoc mam" . We will have to work out a system to minimize that, not only for my husband but for me as well. One good thing though, my parents have been living on and off in Prague in an apartment for almost two decades, and according to them their neighbors will call the cops if the cooking smell becomes too overwhelming, so I'm hoping they know how to cook Viet food without the smell lingering in the house Of course before any cohabitation can happen, we will try to do as much visiting as possible, depending on what we can afford (my parents have no issue with traveling expense, unlike us, so it might work better for them to come here)

As far as the language barrier goes, my husband wants to learn Vietnamese to talk to my parents, but as a grad student his time is really limited. I try to teach him some once in a while, but I'm not a very patient teacher, and I'm also a grad student with limited time Has anyone tried Rosetta Stone for Vietnamese? Is it any good?

Nuoc mam isn't going to be a problem. The first time they cut open a fresh durian your husband is going to freak out. It's an odor that very few "white as cotton" Americans are used to.

Our house is a cultural mix. My wife and step-kids eat almost exclusively VN food, and they love to cook. I'm indifferent about most VN food, and I don't care for most seafood at all. They'll cook up a feast of shrimp, vegetables, maybe some fish, and rice of course. I'll nuke a bowl of Beef-a-Roni and grab a bag of chips. We'll all sit and eat together. For lunch, my wife and step-kids often cook and eat at home and I go to a deli or cafe with mother. I work at home, so I need a break away from the house every day. We do all go to restaurants, as well. My wife likes American style buffets because she can pick whatever combination of food she likes. My step-daughter likes Mongolian barbecue, Korean tofu soup restaurants, and an Asian fusion restaurant that I also think is really great. My step-son will eat anything, but he has a penchant for stuff I find pretty disgusting like dried squid cooked in a toaster oven.

There's a Vietnamese chua in our town, and one of the monks comes to visit about once every week or so. My wife and the monk cook a soup with homemade noodles and tofu that's pretty darn good!

When we're in Vietnam they usually order for me. They know my tastes, so I usually end up with some generic ga nuong or com chien or similar.

My home's central room has been completely rearranged. Half of it is now a bona fide Buddhist temple, complete with a hand-crafted altar from Da Nang with abalone inlays. The living room furniture has been packed onto one side of the room. On a typical evening my wife and step-daughter will be in my room watching VN soap operas on TV, and my step-son will be singing karaoke in the living room on the internet with his friends. My mom and biological daughter are usually in their rooms plugged into the internet, but that was the same before my wife and step-kids arrived.

I've used Rosetta Stone. It's about as good as any other. Byki is also good, if you purchase the premium upgrade. The only one I don't like at all is Pimsleur - they only teach you to mimic the sounds with no accompanying written text. You have no idea which sounds comprise which words. On the upside, they repeat phrases frequently without replaying the same recording, so you get to hear the phrase spoken many times. On the downside, Pimsleur, like most of the others, teaches Ha Noi dialect. I've learned almost as much by osmosis as I did when I was studying, but learning by exposure takes a lot longer if you're not immersed in it, and I'm a very long way from having even a basic grasp of the language. Still, I often get enough of a conversation to understand what's being discussed. The more "Vinglish" being spoken, the easier it is for me to catch on.

I think you need to talk with your husband about this stuff. Marrying any spouse means marrying the family, as well. When you marry a foreign spouse then the family culture also comes with it. He doesn't have to become Vietnamese, but he at least needs to accommodate the culture and accept that it's part of his life with his wife. You could start with making your home a hybrid American/Vietnamese home.

[sealavender 0]

Nuoc mam isn't going to be a problem. The first time they cut open a fresh durian your husband is going to freak out. It's an odor that very few "white as cotton" Americans are used to.

Our house is a cultural mix. My wife and step-kids eat almost exclusively VN food, and they love to cook. I'm indifferent about most VN food, and I don't care for most seafood at all. They'll cook up a feast of shrimp, vegetables, maybe some fish, and rice of course. I'll nuke a bowl of Beef-a-Roni and grab a bag of chips. We'll all sit and eat together. For lunch, my wife and step-kids often cook and eat at home and I go to a deli or cafe with mother. I work at home, so I need a break away from the house every day. We do all go to restaurants, as well. My wife likes American style buffets because she can pick whatever combination of food she likes. My step-daughter likes Mongolian barbecue, Korean tofu soup restaurants, and an Asian fusion restaurant that I also think is really great. My step-son will eat anything, but he has a penchant for stuff I find pretty disgusting like dried squid cooked in a toaster oven.

There's a Vietnamese chua in our town, and one of the monks comes to visit about once every week or so. My wife and the monk cook a soup with homemade noodles and tofu that's pretty darn good!

When we're in Vietnam they usually order for me. They know my tastes, so I usually end up with some generic ga nuong or com chien or similar.

My home's central room has been completely rearranged. Half of it is now a bona fide Buddhist temple, complete with a hand-crafted altar from Da Nang with abalone inlays. The living room furniture has been packed onto one side of the room. On a typical evening my wife and step-daughter will be in my room watching VN soap operas on TV, and my step-son will be singing karaoke in the living room on the internet with his friends. My mom and biological daughter are usually in their rooms plugged into the internet, but that was the same before my wife and step-kids arrived.

I've used Rosetta Stone. It's about as good as any other. Byki is also good, if you purchase the premium upgrade. The only one I don't like at all is Pimsleur - they only teach you to mimic the sounds with no accompanying written text. You have no idea which sounds comprise which words. On the upside, they repeat phrases frequently without replaying the same recording, so you get to hear the phrase spoken many times. On the downside, Pimsleur, like most of the others, teaches Ha Noi dialect. I've learned almost as much by osmosis as I did when I was studying, but learning by exposure takes a lot longer if you're not immersed in it, and I'm a very long way from having even a basic grasp of the language. Still, I often get enough of a conversation to understand what's being discussed. The more "Vinglish" being spoken, the easier it is for me to catch on.

I think you need to talk with your husband about this stuff. Marrying any spouse means marrying the family, as well. When you marry a foreign spouse then the family culture also comes with it. He doesn't have to become Vietnamese, but he at least needs to accommodate the culture and accept that it's part of his life with his wife. You could start with making your home a hybrid American/Vietnamese home.

It looks like you have managed to attain the point of harmony in the daily life of your mixed culture family. I can't even imagine a completely Vietnamese family that will be able to make it a day with each other if they're the same as yours (kids from previous marriages of both of you, your mom and you two all living together). I think the key is the acknowledgement and respect for each other's differences, and it's something I want to achieve for my own family.

For better or worse, I am extremely adaptable, plus we'd been living together for a year when we got married (very un-Vietnamese, I know) so pretty much no adjustment was needed afterwards. Nowadays we could pass for a normal American couple, unless someone asks me where I am from, for as it happens I speak English with a perfect standard American accent, and we've only lived in culturally diverse cities in the US where Asian-Caucasian relationships are sometimes the majority of what you see. It made things easy for us, but it could also make my husband let his guards down and become unaware that living with my parents/family can require a lot more adjustment/compromise than living with me (on a side note, my husband enjoys "mam tom," so maybe durian will be okay for him, while I can't stand it myself, ironically. I also think dried squid + Siriracha is delicious, and I'm going to steal the toaster oven idea from your stepson )

One thing I notice that could cause problem for us later on is that personal space/boundary is an almost nonexistent concept in a Vietnamese family. My parents might find it hard to accept that we sometimes will want to make important decisions without their input, or as mentioned in previous replies, that we might want to do our own things once in a while or even live in our separate space across the yard from theirs. Autonomy is something I have come to appreciate about living in America, so if my parents are unwilling to compromise on that,it might probably be the most contentious aspect of living together. Other than that, I can see many positive things about a mixed culture family. For one, it will be a unique, ever changing experience where everyone gets to learn something new everyday

From your recommendations, I think I will get Rosetta Stone for my husband to help him get a head start on the language. It's funny because even though I, like most ESL people, struggled as first with English, now that I have become fluent I realized that it is probably the easiest second language to learn. Vietnamese is not monstrously difficult like some other languages, but it is quite challenging because of the lack of well-defined structures and the abundance of hidden nuances. I do appreciate my husband's eagerness to learn it, and will do my best to help him. Thanks for your recommendations, and good luck with tackling it yourself.

[Anh map 2,098]

Shrimp paste is one that just knocks me back out the door.

[luckytxn 2,264]

I personally love the cooking smells. To me personally it is like heaven to smell the cooking and knowing I am going to be eating something awesome that makes me want to do anything to make my babe happy.

[Hot Vit Lon 7]

It looks like you have managed to attain the point of harmony in the daily life of your mixed culture family. I can't even imagine a completely Vietnamese family that will be able to make it a day with each other if they're the same as yours (kids from previous marriages of both of you, your mom and you two all living together). I think the key is the acknowledgement and respect for each other's differences, and it's something I want to achieve for my own family.

For better or worse, I am extremely adaptable, plus we'd been living together for a year when we got married (very un-Vietnamese, I know) so pretty much no adjustment was needed afterwards. Nowadays we could pass for a normal American couple, unless someone asks me where I am from, for as it happens I speak English with a perfect standard American accent, and we've only lived in culturally diverse cities in the US where Asian-Caucasian relationships are sometimes the majority of what you see. It made things easy for us, but it could also make my husband let his guards down and become unaware that living with my parents/family can require a lot more adjustment/compromise than living with me (on a side note, my husband enjoys "mam tom," so maybe durian will be okay for him, while I can't stand it myself, ironically. I also think dried squid + Siriracha is delicious, and I'm going to steal the toaster oven idea from your stepson )

One thing I notice that could cause problem for us later on is that personal space/boundary is an almost nonexistent concept in a Vietnamese family. My parents might find it hard to accept that we sometimes will want to make important decisions without their input, or as mentioned in previous replies, that we might want to do our own things once in a while or even live in our separate space across the yard from theirs. Autonomy is something I have come to appreciate about living in America, so if my parents are unwilling to compromise on that,it might probably be the most contentious aspect of living together. Other than that, I can see many positive things about a mixed culture family. For one, it will be a unique, ever changing experience where everyone gets to learn something new everyday

From your recommendations, I think I will get Rosetta Stone for my husband to help him get a head start on the language. It's funny because even though I, like most ESL people, struggled as first with English, now that I have become fluent I realized that it is probably the easiest second language to learn. Vietnamese is not monstrously difficult like some other languages, but it is quite challenging because of the lack of well-defined structures and the abundance of hidden nuances. I do appreciate my husband's eagerness to learn it, and will do my best to help him. Thanks for your recommendations, and good luck with tackling it yourself.

Specifically in response to the bold part I highlighted, it's "un-American" (those that listen to Dr Laura Schlessinger and many other Christians) as well. But since you mentioned "un-Vnese", did you know that most Vnese parents will NEVER allow their daughters to live with their "future" husbands before the marriage vows? At least my own parents (and they have no daughters) and my in-laws and the majority (99%) of our relatives.

Not only they won't attend the wedding, they simply refuse to recognize the relationship.

And I can tell you it's NOT restricted to "old-fashioned/tradition" Vnese. According to Dave Ramsey, more than 90% of marriages in which folks live with each other before the vows will most likely end up in divorces later on. Dave Ramsey surely is NOT a VNese in any fashion.

Sometimes some people "think" they're living in progressive, modernized world. Are they?

Edited September 1, 2011 by Hot Vit Lon

[Leatherneck 693]

Shrimp paste is one that just knocks me back out the door.

I have to agree with you about the Shrimp paste, aka Bagoong to Filipinos. I was invited to dinner many years ago, my then gf opened that jar of bagoong, when my nose made contact with that offensive smell, I almost lost my previous lunch.

[sealavender 0]

Specifically in response to the bold part I highlighted, it's "un-American" (those that listen to Dr Laura Schlessinger and many other Christians) as well. But since you mentioned "un-Vnese", did you know that most Vnese parents will NEVER allow their daughters to live with their "future" husbands before the marriage vows? At least my own parents (and they have no daughters) and my in-laws and the majority (99%) of our relatives.

Not only they won't attend the wedding, they simply refuse to recognize the relationship.

And I can tell you it's NOT restricted to "old-fashioned/tradition" Vnese. According to Dave Ramsey, more than 90% of marriages in which folks live with each other before the vows will most likely end up in divorces later on. Dave Ramsey surely is NOT a VNese in any fashion.

Sometimes some people "think" they're living in progressive, modernized world. Are they?

I nowhere mentioned that living with your partner before marriage was a definitive "American" thing, as you seemed to think that I'd implied; you did not seem to disagree that it's not a Vietnamese thing, which is the entire extent to which I meant for that information to be interpreted. The only reason I brought that up was to demonstrate the process by which my husband and I adapted to living together, and why marriage for us didn't come with a huge need for compromise. To me, it's a matter of personal choice, we, Vietnamese or Americans or any other nationalities under the sun, in principles are all entitled to it as long as it does not affect other people's lives. And yes, I am aware how most Vietnamese parents would react to this matter, so I saved mine the headache by not sharing this information with them or any of our relatives (judge me on this if you want to, it's really not my problem). For you to understand my point any other way than explained above is simply out of my control, so I won't lose sleep over it. I congratulate you on committing to your principles, even if they're not the same as mine. As for the quoted statistics from Dave Ramsey, though I might not be convinced by his credentials on this subject, I appreciate your kind gesture in warning me that our marriage "will most likely end up in divorce later on," but please don't worry too much, because I'm not worrying about it at all. For your last question, I have neither an answer that can satisfy you, nor does it matter what my answer is. I only have one humble request that we keep the discussion focused on the original topic, but I also know that I have no power to moderate what you say on here. So yeah, please keep saying what you want to say, but from now on I will not honor off topic comments with a reply (other people might, I'm okay with that). Thanks and have a nice day

[sealavender 0]

Shrimp paste is one that just knocks me back out the door.

I understand! I was shocked when my husband looked like he had no problem eating it (but maybe he was only acting in front of my family to please them, I'll have to ask him again to be sure ). I noticed that you're in the Boston area too, do you have any recommendation for good Vietnamese restaurants? We're (not too) recent transplants from the west coast, and I miss the abundance of good Vietnamese food there.

[Anh map 2,098]

I understand! I was shocked when my husband looked like he had no problem eating it (but maybe he was only acting in front of my family to please them, I'll have to ask him again to be sure ). I noticed that you're in the Boston area too, do you have any recommendation for good Vietnamese restaurants? We're (not too) recent transplants from the west coast, and I miss the abundance of good Vietnamese food there.

Go into Dorchester and you will find lots of everything. Dorchester Avenue has signs in English, Gaelic, and Vietnamese on the same block.

[JimVaPhuong 4,863]

I don't care for fish, especially the way Asians prepare it. I don't mind an occasional halibut steak, or breaded and fried white fish or shrimp, but boil a whole fish and serve it with Asian sauces and I'll go running.

Strangely enough, I don't mind shrimp paste. I was surprised when I was told that the curious taste in Vietnamese sandwiches was from the shrimp paste (the "pate" they called it). In fact, I didn't really believe it until I saw them make the sandwich. Then again, I never really considered cucumbers to be a typical sandwich ingredient, yet I found that also make the sandwich more interesting. I wouldn't want to eat banh mi every day, but I don't mind it occasionally.

[Farsider 7]

"I am a Vietnamese born and raised, US educated woman who is married to a white-as-cotton, Texas born, Arizona raised, California educated American guy; and we're currently living in New England."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _

A Texas-born, Arizona raised, California-educated guy currently living in New England?! Wow.... that is culture-shock enough! How does he handle it?!

But now seriously, this discussion thread is very interesting - I've enjoyed most all of the contributions. We are an American/Filipino couple... it seems to me that the "living with parents" situation (or expectation) is not as prevalent in the Philippines as it is in some other Asian cultures. I could be wrong about that... I only know a few Filipino families closely, and only have a general sense of the culture overall. I have lived in the Philippines for several months at a time, on three occasions, so my impressions are limited, I admit. As for us, there is no expectation of living with parents (well..... so far. ).

And speaking of food smells in the home, I have some good friends who are Korean and.... YIKES !! Hey, I love Korean food... even kimchee! Bulgogi is a favorite. But really, imho, they should do that fermentation prep work in the garage... or build an out-building in the backyard.