American men with Asian wives: what are your thoughts on living with her parents/ your in-laws?

[sealavender 0]

Hello beautiful VJ folks,

As we all know, there are more than one obstacles that people from different cultures have to overcome in order to build a happy life together, one of which is the difference in family dynamics: in the US, when children get older, they leave the nest and make their own home base somewhere else, and no matter how close emotionally the children stay to their parents, they typically live in separate houses, even in different cities or states, and maintain separate financial resources, lifestyles, and schedules. On the other hand, for a typical East Asian family, the eldest son or daughter (if there is no son) will remain with his/her elderly parents even after he/she gets married and has his/her own children. Multiple generations living under the same roof is the norm, and family members typically share their financial resources and obligations as a whole.

We can go all day about the advantages and disadvantages of each setting, however, even more complications can arise when two cultures are merged. In my case, I am a Vietnamese born and raised, US educated woman who is married to a white-as-cotton, Texas born, Arizona raised, California educated American guy; and we're currently living in New England. My parents have only 2 daughters, no son, and so they depend on my sister and me emotionally. Even though at the moment we are not yet faced with the situation, in the near future when my parents get old, they will probably need someone to take cake of them, like most elderly people in Vietnam. I tend to be the more affectionate daughter, so I can see myself being their caretaker of choice when the time comes.

As much as I want to fulfill my duties to my parents, I simply cannot ignore the fact that I will be putting my husband in a lot of stress by forcing him to live with his in-laws. If there is one universal thing across cultures, it is the sometimes not obvious yet always present tension between in-laws, even if they share the same culture. Even though my parents respect my choice in marriage, and my husband respects the culture where I come from, already I could see some small issues, such as the lack of frequent communications between my husband and parents, mostly due to the language barrier, but also because of the difference in expectations: in Vietnam, a son-in-laws is expected, even obligated, to extend pleasantries/regards to his in-laws on a somewhat regular basis, unlike in the US, where most of the time pleasantries are exchanged on a voluntary manner. I talk to my parents frequently, but they always ask why they don't hear from my husband more often. This is in no way my husband's fault, but once again, a result of the difference in family dynamics between the two cultures. I can only imagine that if we live under the same roof, this problem will become even more apparent, since the excuse of long-distance will no longer be applicable, while I can't imagine that my husband will talk a lot to my parents even if the language barrier is no longer a problem, as it is not in his habits to confide much in anyone else but his wife, not even his own parents. This problem will only be the tip of the iceberg, as clashes can stem from many other things: difference in tastes, habits, preferences for PRIVACY, and most frequently the methods for the UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN/GRANDCHILDREN.

So, VJ people in situations similar to mine, what are your arrangements? What do you think would be the best solution to this particular issue? If you do live with your Asian in-laws, what are your true feelings about the situation?

[ScottThuy 140]

You have to talk to your husband about this and see how he feels as well as your parents. There will have to be alot of compromise on all parts much like when you adjusted to living in the US or living with him. You were likely more inclined to compromise than your parents will be.. He will be outnumbered so there will likely be more compromise to be done on his part.. Has he lived with them for any length of time in VN to know how they manage thier daily life?

I would love for my inlaws to come and live with us... I would have no issue, but my MIL would be misreable... even though she would be close to us, she would be far away from the rest of the family and her routine that she is so used to. To say she would be bored initially is an understatement...

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

If your able to look into a property where you can build a separate "granny" flat. Having them in the same home 24/7 is going to drive most white as cotton Americans nuts but if they have their own little place to stay it gives you the private space, them their private space and you are closer than right next door.

[sealavender 0]

@ScottThuy: my husband has never lived with my parents. As we met in college and got married in the US, he never visited Vietnam (we are saving up for the trip, hopefully next summer). Beyond the wedding, the only time he was in direct contact with my parents was when my sister had a baby in Houston, and we flew in to visit for a few days while my mom was staying there to help my sister out. He got along well with my family, but at the same time, he did feel like an outsider. It's understandable as everyone but him spoke Vietnamese; even though my sister speaks English she barely made an effort to talk to him, my brother in law was much nicer. Beyond being the translator for my mom and him, it was really difficult for me to be a culture bridge between them, because I sometimes felt like an outsider too. I'm much more comfortable around my husband than my parents and sister, for better or worse.

I have talked to my husband about the future possibility of living with my parents, and he said he had no objection to it, but we never really discussed it in details. My parents seem to be set with the idea of living with either me or my sister, but my sister doesn't get along well with them like I do, so as of now they are leaning towards living with me. You are absolutely right, my family is not very inclined to compromise. I think my parents secretly wished that I had married a Vietnamese guy (they even made multiple attempts at setting me up with sons of their friends in the US), even though they could find nothing to complain about my husband outside the fact that he doesn't speak Vietnamese. I rebelled and decided to get married by myself, without the usual permission seeking routine, and am still occasionally reminded of my "guilt." I am afraid that when we live together under the same roof, this sentiment will be more clearly shown, and it will hurt my husband. My husband is extremely mellow and reasonable, so if there is a war between my family and him, I most likely will be on his side.

That's so great that you would love to live with your in-laws! I imagine them to be wonderful, caring people. Are they living by themselves in Vietnam, or with other family members? The problem with my family is that there are only 4 of us, and we're not close enough to our extended family (very unusual for Vietnamese people) for my parents to live with them when they are older.

@NigeriaorBust: it will be a while before we can settle and buy a house, but yes I did think about having a house with a separate in-laws quarter. Even if we could afford such a place right out of grad school, the potential problem with this is that my parents could view it as a sign of disrespects for us to want to have have some degree of separation (albeit minimal) from them. Not too long ago, my mom wanted to come visit us (my parents are loaded so traveling expense is not an issue for them), but dropped that thought immediately after I told her that she could stay at the nice bed and breakfast 2 doors down from us. No matter how I tried to explain that we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment that would be super uncomfortable for 3 people, she still looked at it as if we didn't want her to come :|

[quann 26]

i would say that the age factor would play more of a role than race. my parents are in their late 50s/early 60s...they're able to work and function, having them live with my family or my sister (who did marry a white guy) now would kind of restricting and encroaching on our space and what we want to do. of course my sister and i and our partners love them and all...but they're parents and they do what parents do (meddle, try to offer advices, etc) so there are bound to be friction.

when they retire and grow older and less "parenty" and need the care and we're older and more settled and slow down i don't see a problem with one or both moving in (although they're pretty set and well off also...maybe we move in with them )

if your parents are loaded that must mean they're at least somewhat educated...for them to be stubborn and co hu and so set in the old-traditioned way is wrong. they should realize you guys need your space and privacy...to not come visit because they feel abandoned having to stay 2 houses down is stupid.

[Dan_P 5]

@NigeriaorBust: it will be a while before we can settle and buy a house, but yes I did think about having a house with a separate in-laws quarter. Even if we could afford such a place right out of grad school, the potential problem with this is that my parents could view it as a sign of disrespects for us to want to have have some degree of separation (albeit minimal) from them. Not too long ago, my mom wanted to come visit us (my parents are loaded so traveling expense is not an issue for them), but dropped that thought immediately after I told her that she could stay at the nice bed and breakfast 2 doors down from us. No matter how I tried to explain that we live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment that would be super uncomfortable for 3 people, she still looked at it as if we didn't want her to come :|

I think your mom would rather be a little uncomfortable than live in a hotel even one 2 doors down. Some Vietnamese don't mind living in cramped quarters especially when visiting or on vacation. I know people who rented a hotel room and had like a dozen people in it. And they weren't poor either, just that's the way they do things. Also, your mom probably remembers time in Vietnam where many people live in very tight quarters, and a 1 bedroom apartment for 3 people would be a blessing.

I'm not saying who's right or wrong, just saying how your mom might be thinking.

[luckytxn 2,264]

Well lucky for us her Mother lives in Vietnam with about 9-10 other brothers and sisters in the same nearby area. I love my mother-in-law dearly but from afar. It would drive me nuts if she lived with us. She already tried to control how we live and my wife just tells her what she wants. The only thing now that she is ragging us on about is that we have not given her grand kids yet. The last I heard we have been apportioned at the least two kids and more if one is not a girl.

I was happy when we finally got the church wedding done last year as she was relentless on us doing so. No matter how much we tried to tell her we were trying but the church was making us jump through hoops she would just keep saying we were not trying and then even giving us how she is going to die unhappy with her daughter living in such sin. When we got married finally and sent her some pics she demanded more pics and video as proof. I was happy that she could finally die in peace and happiness.

Well now for the past year it is how she will die unhappy as we haven't had kids yet. I do find it amusing by now and even tell her that I am trying as often as possible to have kids. I even tweak her and say that we will have no girls but all boys.

We are supposed to go back to Vietnam this next year and be there for two weeks and one week in Australia to visit my babes two brothers married there. At the end of my two weeks I was supposed to head to Thailand for a few days to visit a friend there and also a friend of mine from Texas is flying in. Well my mother-in-law says that we will spend the whole time in Vietnam and I will not be going to Thailand.

Like I said before I love her but from afar. I for one am glad she will not be living with us but if it was needed I would handle it somehow.

[sealavender 0]

Well my parents are educated (they both had been university lecturers before they retired early from teaching and went into exports and real estates), but that doesn't meant they are open-minded or easy-going. My parents are from the North, and moved to Saigon in 1979, so the old ways of thinking could have been a results of where they grew up. Living with them would be a huge adjustment not only for my husband but also for myself, even though I lived with at least one at a time until I was 18. There is no other alternative though, it will happen sooner or later, since we're already being guilt-tripped for leaving them in their old age fending for themselves , even though they are only mid 50s/60s

And yes, the whole visiting fiasco was a shame. I would choose to live permanently in that bed and breakfast instead of the cramped space we have . I could see where she came from about wanting to be with family rather than a hotel, but I wish she would look at it from our viewpoint as well. She probably thinks our place is at big as my sister's 4 bd house in Houston, even though in reality it is tinier than her garage, thanks to the exorbitant rents in the Boston area

[sealavender 0]

@luckytxn : I shouldn't be laughing but I find your situation amusing because it is so similar to ours, except at least living with you MIL is not the only option for you, like it is for us . We're not religious so a civil wedding was enough, though the fact that our engagement was private (American style) and that he did not bring his parents to their house to ask for my hand still gets brought up once in a while (to me of course, but I don't tell my husband to save him from the "guilt").

I cannot even count how many times we were pressured to have a baby as soon as possible. To put it into perspective, I am 25, my husband is 24, we're both in grad school which will take another 4 years if not more, so having a baby is not even remotely in our agenda. My parents' reason for this is that if we wait too long to have a child, it will be unhealthy, to which I reply by saying that making babies is not the ultimate goal of our union, and that we're not against adoption (which is actually the truth) if it comes to that. As you can probably imagine, their blood pressure went through the roof everytime this conversation happened (lol, I just realized I'm a terrible daughter)

[Hot Vit Lon 7]

Lots of folks that I know, including myself, do this to "satisfy" both sides, spouse and parents, choose a place to live close to where your/his parents live.

You shouldn't discuss such important and sensitive issue with anyone BUT your spouse. You're NOT that old-tradition btw (you already stepped outside the "norm" circle for deciding to marry someone outside your own race). So stop acting like you're a typical old-tradition Vnese lady, being loyal "co' hieu'" with your own parents. Please, save the drama.

http://www.dallasnews.com/news/community-news/grand-prairie/headlines/20110726-survivors-recall-grand-prairie-roller-rink-shootings-.ece

When you're married, learn to draw the line between responsibility to own-family and "new" family.

If your parents are more important to you, why bother getting married? Time to raise your own and direct 100% of your focus on that!

Edit to add: to all with Vnese spouses, one day she/he will ask you to send more and more and more money to her/his family in VN (like you must have that financial obligation to her/his family). You, on the other hand, wanna reserve that money for your own family here in the US. Time to decide whether she/he values which family is more important than which.

Edited August 30, 2011 by Hot Vit Lon

[sealavender 0]

@Hot Vit Lon: I sense a certain degree of disdain/disbelief in your comment, but I will choose not to be offended because in all honesty, I value your input to the discussion.

Yes, marriage is complicated, even without external influences like parents, but why is it wrong to try to adjust and better yourself in it? I never claimed to be a traditional, loyal-to-her-parents Vietnamese lady, but I want to at least be a responsible daughter and wife who takes into consideration the feelings of my loved ones. What makes you think I don't discuss this with my husband ? And why can't one be an unsubmissive (if submissive is what you define as traditional) yet still grateful daughter? When taking my situation into a public forum (anonymously), I simply thought that this issue is quite common but rarely discussed, and that people might benefit from the input of others whether in or outside similar situations. I apologize if at times I slipped from being objective to being a bit whiny, if that's what annoyed you.

While I am aware that money obligations to the wife's family is often the biggest issue in marriages of this nature (a white guy marrying an East Asian girl of less prosperous background, be that Vietnamese, Thai, Filipino,...), I can count myself among the fortunate in that my parents are financially secure enough to never require contributions from us. They paid for my US wedding, and are generally nice and accepting to my husband because they love me. Yet at the same time, parents often feel that a guy is never good enough for their daughter no matter what reality is like, and my parents sometimes act that out in a way that can be regarded as overly-demanding to my husband. I want to seek and maintain as much harmony as possible between my parents and my own family, and avoid any contention that might lead to the outcome in that article you linked (not that I think it can ever happen with my family because my husband and I are really mellow) by being considerate, and by active communication. If you have been reading my replies from the beginning, it is not difficult to figure out that I have already chosen my position in case of possible conflicts, though it never hurts to keep learning from others.

[Leatherneck 693]

@luckytxn : I shouldn't be laughing but I find your situation amusing because it is so similar to ours, except at least living with you MIL is not the only option for you, like it is for us . We're not religious so a civil wedding was enough, though the fact that our engagement was private (American style) and that he did not bring his parents to their house to ask for my hand still gets brought up once in a while (to me of course, but I don't tell my husband to save him from the "guilt").

I cannot even count how many times we were pressured to have a baby as soon as possible. To put it into perspective, I am 25, my husband is 24, we're both in grad school which will take another 4 years if not more, so having a baby is not even remotely in our agenda. My parents' reason for this is that if we wait too long to have a child, it will be unhealthy, to which I reply by saying that making babies is not the ultimate goal of our union, and that we're not against adoption (which is actually the truth) if it comes to that. As you can probably imagine, their blood pressure went through the roof everytime this conversation happened (lol, I just realized I'm a terrible daughter)

I had to smile as I read your first post, even chuckled a few times as I read to the last one. I went through the same thing with the parents of my ex-wife, as I am sure has happened with many spouses of Asian women.

The cohesiveness of the Asian family is a wonderful thing, but it does come with a price (not to insinuate this is bad) with regards to the in-laws. One doesn't just marry the daughter, the parents are included, any guy not aware of that will learn it in short order At least you know that storm is coming and you are preparing mentality, kind of like a real storm, just button down the hatches and hang on.

And the baby issue, that is the holy grail for Asian parents. Yeah, any resistance on that subject will cause an immediate increase in heart rate and elevated blood pressure.

[Leatherneck 693]

Well lucky for us her Mother lives in Vietnam with about 9-10 other brothers and sisters in the same nearby area. I love my mother-in-law dearly but from afar. It would drive me nuts if she lived with us. She already tried to control how we live and my wife just tells her what she wants. The only thing now that she is ragging us on about is that we have not given her grand kids yet. The last I heard we have been apportioned at the least two kids and more if one is not a girl.

I was happy when we finally got the church wedding done last year as she was relentless on us doing so. No matter how much we tried to tell her we were trying but the church was making us jump through hoops she would just keep saying we were not trying and then even giving us how she is going to die unhappy with her daughter living in such sin. When we got married finally and sent her some pics she demanded more pics and video as proof. I was happy that she could finally die in peace and happiness.

Well now for the past year it is how she will die unhappy as we haven't had kids yet. I do find it amusing by now and even tell her that I am trying as often as possible to have kids. I even tweak her and say that we will have no girls but all boys.

We are supposed to go back to Vietnam this next year and be there for two weeks and one week in Australia to visit my babes two brothers married there. At the end of my two weeks I was supposed to head to Thailand for a few days to visit a friend there and also a friend of mine from Texas is flying in. Well my mother-in-law says that we will spend the whole time in Vietnam and I will not be going to Thailand.

Like I said before I love her but from afar. I for one am glad she will not be living with us but if it was needed I would handle it somehow.

[dalegg 143]

Do what now?

[Anh map 2,098]

Not trying to be funny. You need to prepare your husband for the smells and sounds that would be a part of the parents moving in with you.

I am assuming that your folks have a diet that consists almost exclusively of VN foods. That can be quite a change if that becomes the dominant aroma in the household. Also, if he would feel like an outsider in his own home ( the possible language barrier, meals).

Discussing and visiting often enough to get a sense of what would be to come can only help you two to create a game plan.