Oh well, will go the snail route on NVC

[Loueikun 5]

Maybe things were too good to be true in the beginning. My wife is hardly responsive to me these past few months and last time we met, she seemed to complain a lot about me. like I was overweight and fat, she said I needed to lose weight and did not like looking at my body. The previous time she never complained and I was like 160 pounds and 5'9" this time I was 161 pounds and 5'9" ummm and I worked out more and ate better and went to 155 since I came home and took photos for her and showed her on cam, she said still fat???

But it does not seem like if you love someone, you would not respond that way, she rarely emails me, has no time to chat with me (too busy and wants to sleep late)

so I am going to just slow down the NVC stuff, I have yet to get the letter from them and I wont even bother calling them for a case number. I will go as slow as possible to see if things improve or she gets out of this attitude.

Maybe in Chinese culture, once a lady marries, the whole relationship takes a different turn and the wife now wants to start complaining about little things? If that is normal, then I am fine, but if she is up to something else.... then not a good sign.

[Inky 1,110]

Talking like that and behaving like that is not normal and it should not be happening to someone from their wife or husband. Its unacceptable behavior and it is not normal what so ever. If you love your husband or wife and want to be with them, you don't try to find every excuse to not talk to them or avoid them and you most certainly do not call them fat or ugly or say that their body is gross.

Don't try to make this behavior ok by saying its Chinese culture!

[Loueikun 5]

I didnt mean in a negative light, I meant in the way of saying, oh since I now have husband and he belongs to me.... I can feel free to find every imperfection even I love him etc. A quest for perfection as if like if I want more with my car, Ill add the supercharger, x pipe etc....

forgive me about the "chinese culture" part. I will ride it out and see how things go.

[me@hubby 4]

awww this is not good..for me she shouldnt act like that,she supposed to have time to you always..no matter how busy she is unless there something wrong.but you should talk to her so she will know how you feel.. its better to be honest to her what you think and how you feel..

[Operator 1,927]

Loueikun sounds like something is up to me. While it is not uncommon for some Chinese to call someone fat its usually not done out of malice but rather as a statement of fact. If she was just complaining about your weight it would be understandable because she may be worried about your health or worried that she might lose face for having a fat husband.

It sounds to me (and of course I don't know you or your wife so this is just my opinion) as if something else is bothering her and she is using your weight as an excuse. From my experience in my professional and personal life it's rare when a Chinese person is open about having a problem or needing help with something. If she is nervous about something, or upset and you as her husband haven't picked up on it she may just be PO'd at you for not understanding her.

Think back to the time when her behavior changed and try to remember what was going on.

I'm certainly no expert on the subject of Chinese women as after more than three years I'm still learning to understand mine. I wish you good luck and hope she will open up to you.

[Josie-Be-Happy 11]

Maybe things were too good to be true in the beginning. My wife is hardly responsive to me these past few months and last time we met, she seemed to complain a lot about me. like I was overweight and fat, she said I needed to lose weight and did not like looking at my body. The previous time she never complained and I was like 160 pounds and 5'9" this time I was 161 pounds and 5'9" ummm and I worked out more and ate better and went to 155 since I came home and took photos for her and showed her on cam, she said still fat???

But it does not seem like if you love someone, you would not respond that way, she rarely emails me, has no time to chat with me (too busy and wants to sleep late)

so I am going to just slow down the NVC stuff, I have yet to get the letter from them and I wont even bother calling them for a case number. I will go as slow as possible to see if things improve or she gets out of this attitude.

Maybe in Chinese culture, once a lady marries, the whole relationship takes a different turn and the wife now wants to start complaining about little things? If that is normal, then I am fine, but if she is up to something else.... then not a good sign.

I'm so sorry to hear about your wife's complaints. Based upon your height and weighing 161 pounds, sounds like you're pretty thin to me. Your wife should love you for who you are and you should not change who you are to appease anyone. Have you tried talking to her about all of the issues you discussed here? I hope all goes well for you....best wishes.

Loueikun sounds like something is up to me. While it is not uncommon for some Chinese to call someone fat its usually not done out of malice but rather as a statement of fact. If she was just complaining about your weight it would be understandable because she may be worried about your health or worried that she might lose face for having a fat husband.

It sounds to me (and of course I don't know you or your wife so this is just my opinion) as if something else is bothering her and she is using your weight as an excuse. From my experience in my professional and personal life it's rare when a Chinese person is open about having a problem or needing help with something. If she is nervous about something, or upset and you as her husband haven't picked up on it she may just be PO'd at you for not understanding her.

Think back to the time when her behavior changed and try to remember what was going on.

I'm certainly no expert on the subject of Chinese women as after more than three years I'm still learning to understand mine. I wish you good luck and hope she will open up to you.

:thumbs: :thumbs:

Edited August 27, 2011 by Josie-Be-Happy

[Inky 1,110]

I didnt mean in a negative light, I meant in the way of saying, oh since I now have husband and he belongs to me.... I can feel free to find every imperfection even I love him etc. A quest for perfection as if like if I want more with my car, Ill add the supercharger, x pipe etc....

forgive me about the "chinese culture" part. I will ride it out and see how things go.

If you love your husband or wife you do not look for imperfections you love them for who they are and everything about them. If you are concerned about something you speak to them you do not call them fat or gross and ignore them. Talk to her and ask her what is going on.

Its not only negative its destructive. You cannot have this behavior in a marriage and think its ok, its fine for her to treat me this way, and just continue on. Your prepared to sit there and take the verbal abuse from your wife? what about when she gets to the USA? she doesn't want to be near you or talk to you or sleep in the same bed because your gross? Your just going to let it slide because thats how it is?

[Operator 1,927]

Don't try to make this behavior ok by saying its Chinese culture!

Hi Inky,

I agree that its not helpful to make excuses for bad behavior but wouldn't you agree that it's important that we consider our partner's cultural norms to try and understand that behavior? Culture is a huge factor in most Chinese personalities and my experience has been that trying to understand it is an important part of a healthy relationship.

[bigdog 376]

Maybe things were too good to be true in the beginning. My wife is hardly responsive to me these past few months and last time we met, she seemed to complain a lot about me. like I was overweight and fat, she said I needed to lose weight and did not like looking at my body. The previous time she never complained and I was like 160 pounds and 5'9" this time I was 161 pounds and 5'9" ummm and I worked out more and ate better and went to 155 since I came home and took photos for her and showed her on cam, she said still fat???

But it does not seem like if you love someone, you would not respond that way, she rarely emails me, has no time to chat with me (too busy and wants to sleep late)

so I am going to just slow down the NVC stuff, I have yet to get the letter from them and I wont even bother calling them for a case number. I will go as slow as possible to see if things improve or she gets out of this attitude.

Maybe in Chinese culture, once a lady marries, the whole relationship takes a different turn and the wife now wants to start complaining about little things? If that is normal, then I am fine, but if she is up to something else.... then not a good sign.

[bigdog 376]

My wife on me to loose weight to stay together forever, this is OK. i think you may have other problem. My wife highly educated, still cultural differences and they will give up everything to come here, better be sure.

[Loueikun 5]

Well maybe I am taking things too serious, My Mother seems to feel that her behavior may be a bit due to being the "Only Child" in her family. She never grew up with a brother or sister and not had much interaction with any cousins on a freqent level?

When it seems she feels I do not care or seems to think I make an excuse not to fix something, she ends up saying, that fine be that way... "but I am just telling you"

Sometimes when she finds complaint, she may seem serious and in a mood about it then when bringing up same complaint she may giggle at the end.

I guess it may just be her nature. everyone is different. cannot compare people though.

She is just normal educated and still working 6-7 days a week in clothing sales.

[harry1 0]

Talking like that and behaving like that is not normal and it should not be happening to someone from their wife or husband. Its unacceptable behavior and it is not normal what so ever. If you love your husband or wife and want to be with them, you don't try to find every excuse to not talk to them or avoid them and you most certainly do not call them fat or ugly or say that their body is gross.

Don't try to make this behavior ok by saying its Chinese culture!

Well said, it doesn't sound good. I am from China, if she loves you, she will show it one way or the other.

[diamondeve21 0]

Maybe things were too good to be true in the beginning. My wife is hardly responsive to me these past few months and last time we met, she seemed to complain a lot about me. like I was overweight and fat, she said I needed to lose weight and did not like looking at my body. The previous time she never complained and I was like 160 pounds and 5'9" this time I was 161 pounds and 5'9" ummm and I worked out more and ate better and went to 155 since I came home and took photos for her and showed her on cam, she said still fat???

But it does not seem like if you love someone, you would not respond that way, she rarely emails me, has no time to chat with me (too busy and wants to sleep late)

so I am going to just slow down the NVC stuff, I have yet to get the letter from them and I wont even bother calling them for a case number. I will go as slow as possible to see if things improve or she gets out of this attitude.

Maybe in Chinese culture, once a lady marries, the whole relationship takes a different turn and the wife now wants to start complaining about little things? If that is normal, then I am fine, but if she is up to something else.... then not a good sign.

Okay.. speaking from a Chinese girl's view, it isDEFINITELY NOT normal.

My husband and I are pretty open about things and wecomplain about each other’s looks all the time. But not in a bad way.. So I feel that it isokay to openly talk about your appearance, however, the whole "not wantingto talk to you" part is definitely not okay!

If a girl is in love with a guy, she should have tons ofthings to say! Actually in the Chinese culture, it’s the guy who always uses “busy”as an excuse to get out of conversations. Girls always want to talk, I don’t knowone female who doesn’t like to share their daily activities with their lovesones.. unless they are having relationship problems. I honestly feel that thecloser the relationship, the more we have to say. I call my husband every morningand every night. Finding excuses to not communicate is definitely not a goodsign.

So, how do you guys communicate? Do you speak Chinese ordoes she speak English? Do you guys have a problem expressing feelings or thoughts?Was she like this before? How long have you guys known each other?

[Casprd 167]

My wife tells me I am fat all the time, but then she says it's ok cause she is old and fat too

FWIW, the pattern of everything being rosey until getting married sounds like one of those cases where the wife comes to the US, and everything turns cold. She may start complaining that you don't make enough money and she is loosing face. Then it will go on to how you should bring her parents/sister/cousin/whoever here also. Seen this scenario many times and it never turns out good.

Does she already have any family here? That is one sign that she may be looking for a visa so she can be with her family. Did you have to pay a bride price before you got married? Or did her family request one and you didn't pay it? Could be a lot of reasons for her change in attitude, including family presure, but bottom line is being overly critical like this and not finding time to chat or email you is a big red flag that something is not right.

[freetv 7]

The "fat" thing is cultural and not overly something to worry about. I remember a couple of years ago when I was 22, 5 ft 11, and only weighed 148lbs and a friend of a friend called me "fat". Everyone complains about each others looks, since in this day and age we often do need to get healthier.

BUT what really stands out is the whole "not talking" thing. My wife made it clear from the first day we started dating that if you really care about someone you would find the time to at least send a text message or something, how hard is it to pick up the phone and say "how are you doing"? We used to take turns traveling on buses and train to see each other in China, or stay up late or wake up super early to talk online after we had to be apart. I like to sleep later than anyone (and she is almost as bad) but we could still wake up after only a few hours sleep and talk. It sounds like she is just riding this relationship out to see how far she can go, or is super depressed and not happy with you. I would find out if anything is going on and go with your gut feeling. Everyone has times when they just get depressed and don't want to talk, but an extended period of time is not ok.