Did you meet any new friends in the US?

[pickthai 0]

I came here for almost 3 months now. My language is just good enough for everyday living. I started of my life here with fully expected to make some new American friend by being a volunteer at City non-profit organization. I have been meeting a lot of American clients and American co-workers so far. But not even close to "friend" relationship was happened.

I have learned from my previous experience when I was studying aboard (not here) that it would take some time to be friend with foreigner. But at least I saw some sign of making friend in the beginning of my stay unless I 've never seen one since I got here...sigh~

About my husband, he doesn't have many friends here neither. He just moved here for a year. All people he knows in this area is his colleagues. We went to party with them sometimes. But I faced a lot of icy moments because I don't really know what to talk and catch their attention.

The best thing for us (exspecially for me) is the support from his family. I 'm really happy that he has a really kind and supportive family. However, we live 2,000 miles away from them. I just wish we could move closer to them some day.

Edited September 27, 2006 by pickthai

[Sleepybears 0]

pickthai,

Hm... seems everyone has the same situation. It's so difficult to find a friend here. But at least your husband has a nice and supportive family. For me, I'd rather we live farther away from his parents cuz they don't treat me as good as yours.

Anyways, good luck to all of us!

[Peggy 1]

Has anyone tried "my space". Try looking to meet new people that are your age from your area. I have met a few people on there that live here.

[Dr. Obvious 49]

I had a hard time with it here, but eventually, I made some friends through a few ex-pat forums.

My husband has all of mine and my family's friends as his built in friends for when he comes. However, I hope he finds some others. He has a really outgoing personality, so I wouldn't doubt that he could make friends quickly. Failing that, I have connections to the German ex-pat community in Indianapolis, so we'll see how it all goes.

Edited September 28, 2006 by Wacken

[munchkins 0]

I can understand and appreciate what you are all saying as I remember when my daughter first moved over there 20 years ago, but she came through at the end and has a wonderful circle of friends now. I am hoping that we can make our own friends when we get out there and we have already met many lovely people through my daughter.

Alan (my hubby) even got a call this weekend from a good friend of my daughter's who is in the same pool team as my son-in law and they have already asked Alan if he would join the team.

That will be a great way for him to meet more of the guys.

[daveandlirio 0]

Initially, I would expect that spending time with your new spouse and his/her family would suffice. However, I do understand the need to have friends of your own so I will offer a few ideas that I plan to suggest to my fiancee when she arrives. However, before I do that, I would note (fellow USCs, correct me if I'm wrong) that most married couples do not have lots of friends, but rather spend most of the time with each other, with their families, and with shared friends. Most of the time, I believe married USCs have a couple of close personal friends that may go as far back as childhood or college, but the rest tend to be acquantances from work or the neighborhood or church. The point is that the US culture of friendship may not be the same as your fiancee's culture of friendship. Anyway, here's some thoughts for the new spouse to build friends of their own:

-- health club membership

-- join a league (pool, darts, bowling, whatever)

-- church

-- hobby groups (scrapbooking, painting, book clubs, etc.)

-- sports team (soccer, softball, volleyball, etc.)

-- dog run park

Those are just a couple thoughts, but the idea is for the spouse to find and get involved with something they like that is just for them. As time passes, friendships will develop if they stick with the activity.

Thoughts?

[Reba 2]

can you fix your signature banner please? Its making scroll bars in every thread you post to and making it difficult to read.

Initially, I would expect that spending time with your new spouse and his/her family would suffice

HA HA HA HA HA! yeah, right! That only works if spouse isn't working all the time trying to pay the bills while new immigrant spouse is waiting for EAD to come in, sometimes several months after arrival. And also assumes that USCs live close to family and that family actually likes the new spouse! Which is not always the case.

The others, also don't always work out for whatever reason. Gym memberships require money, and as mentioned previously, sometimes there isn't enough money to pay for memberships.

Dog parks are few and far between as well, and some towns are downright dog un-friendly.

If you hope your spouse will be happy with just you and your parents to hang out with, I suggest you get her a gym membership, sign her up for soccer teams, craft classes, and volunteer her to run the next bakesale at church! Just in case.

[ChristinaM 0]

The theory is good, Dave, but it doesn't always work like that! Take a look at all the various different things I've been doing since I got here - and I'm still not any better off than I was the day I arrived back in May 2005.

[homesick_american 1]

I've been here since May '05, and I have zero friends. I have many acquaintances, but no one to call and say "come over and have a drink!" or "let's go shoot a game of pool". I have a friend at the office, but she has a young son, my husband thinks she's "trashy" and we just don't get the chance to meet up outside of work.

I think it's great to suggest that people "do" more things, but be realistic - it doesn't always work. I play weekly in a concert band, belong to the Maine Women's Network, go to every local Chamber of Commerce "business after hours" session for two different area chambers, have a leadership position in a local business networking group, have attended two different courses in the local adult ed. department and took a class at the community college. Oh, and I'm a member of the gym.

So it's not like I don't try! And I still have no friends. Sad, but true. I'm pretty sociable; I work in outside sales, so it's not like I'm antisocial or just "not a people person". Maine is just a strange culture for those "from away" - a transplanted Massachussetts lady I know said it took her eight years before people stopped looking at her suspiciously, and she's only from two states away!

I did acquire my husband's friends (all two of them), but like Marilyn, my husband is my best friend. It's difficult sometimes; sometimes I just cry from the loneliness of it. Other times it doesn't seem so bad.

I sympathise greatly with anyone struggling to find friends.

I've been in the UK since 2001 and I have had the same problem. I stopped trying a couple of years ago, it's just not worth the effort. All of the close friends I've ever had here in the UK have been fellow foreigners. I never had trouble making friends in America.

Thanks for the link, Churipu!

I'll definitely go get this book as soon as I have finally managed to figure out my husband and have finished Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus!

At our local bookstore that book is in the 'Humor' section. There's a reason for that.

I do think it would be nice if new immigrants had some sort of support network, and I wonder why the US doesn't offer this. Other countries do. I know in Canada there are parts of the provincial employment offices that have people help immigrants get settled and find jobs, and other community offices that help immigrants get settled, show them where to find things, where to shop, stuff like that. I've found nothing of the sort here in North Carolina, other than groups that have been organized by the immigrants themselves. Which I seem to be rather far away from

I'm not quite sure I like this American tradition of "assmimilate or else". How does one assimilate if you don't know how? Or how do you assimilate if you're not accepted? And how can you be accepted unless you can assimilate? Crikey, even the Borg are more helpful

I imagine its much easier in larger cities with more diverse populations. But here in small town Bible Belt, folks stick to themselves, and other people like them. Immigrants (and in some cases, even people from other states!) are not to be trusted. I've given up even trying.

I dunno, I'd say the British are much more demanding that people assimilate. I get told all the time that I'm 'too American' even 5.5 years after moving here.

The theory is good, Dave, but it doesn't always work like that! Take a look at all the various different things I've been doing since I got here - and I'm still not any better off than I was the day I arrived back in May 2005.

Sure, you've done a lot....but one whole side of my family is from New England, so I think I can say this with some degree of reliability: New Englanders are not outgoing or exceedingly friendly.

Don't get me wrong; I love my family dearly. However...to the outsider, my darling grandmother would probably appear snappy and rude, my beloved grandfather loud, obnoxious, and racist...my great aunts, snobbish and reserved, and my cousins would appear to be loners. My mother has the classic New England reserve and unfortunately she passed it down to me. Even when I mean to be nice to people, I can act like a complete a$$hole or I appear to ignore them when actually I'm just too reserved to speak to them. It's a common affliction in my family.

[daveandlirio 0]

can you fix your signature banner please? Its making scroll bars in every thread you post to and making it difficult to read.

Initially, I would expect that spending time with your new spouse and his/her family would suffice

HA HA HA HA HA! yeah, right! That only works if spouse isn't working all the time trying to pay the bills while new immigrant spouse is waiting for EAD to come in, sometimes several months after arrival. And also assumes that USCs live close to family and that family actually likes the new spouse! Which is not always the case.

The others, also don't always work out for whatever reason. Gym memberships require money, and as mentioned previously, sometimes there isn't enough money to pay for memberships.

Dog parks are few and far between as well, and some towns are downright dog un-friendly.

If you hope your spouse will be happy with just you and your parents to hang out with, I suggest you get her a gym membership, sign her up for soccer teams, craft classes, and volunteer her to run the next bakesale at church! Just in case.

I updated my signature block...sorry about that.

It's obvious that you are making light of my effort to offer some constructive ideas. Opinions, suggestions, and ideas are just that; you can take them, leave them, or mold them to suit your situation. As for me, I have no intention of doing any of the OPTIONS I listed UNLESS my fiancee feels one or more will suit her. But, I think it's smart to consider and offer options.

Here's the crux of it: If you or your spouse doesn't really want to make an effort at addressing the concerns of what to do with "down time," then you won't. If you want to you will. If you want to and you don't like any of the options I've listed, they don't apply to your situation, or you don't think they'll work for you, then come up with your own and give it your best.

[Sleepybears 0]

daveandlirio,

Some of your suggestions are pretty good.But the problem is I can't drive yet... still waiting for my EAD to get my DL... so i really can't go far. I feel like I'm just stuck in here now. Btw... my 'scheduled' interview on Oct 12 was suddenly cancelled too. I really don't know what to say.

[Reba 2]

I'm not making light of anything, I'm pointng out that despite best efforts, not everything turns out the way we want it to. No matter how much either spouse wants it. There are other things to consider, and most couples who are not yet together don't always realize it.

Like the immigrant spouse can't work for several months, and may not even be able to get a drivers license until they get an EAD or green card. Evidenced above. Every state is different, and the rules for K1 differs from K3 and again for CR1/IR1s. Every town is different in how accepting they'll be toward an immigrant spouse. Some don't care one way or the other, others are rather difficult. Families too.

There's so many things that just may not work the way you want them to or think they will. I was just pointing that out. I've been here 2 years as of next week, if I didn't want it to work, I'd have left a very very long time ago. Despite the ####### I've had to endure since moving here, and believe me, its been quite a lot. And I'm not the only one.

[wasino 0]

what is it with the American halves not having any friends? That's just weird!

/quote]

Well, the Northerners aren't any better! *sign*

My husband has one closer friend with whom he meets every once in a while, and that's it!

He has told me right from the beginning that it might be difficult to make friends where we are, since most people hang out with their highschool buddies or family. He didn't grow up in Minnesota, and his family is in Missouri...

I met another German girl by pure chance (shopping groceries) with whom I hang out sometimes, and I do some things with my colleague, who is 20 years older than I am but really a great person, we get along well.

Like somebody said before, as much as I like living here, I miss the social life I had in Germany! I don't need a whole bunch of friends, just one or two would make me happy already...

I have a different sort of "problem." I'm the USC with a great group of friends that I like to socialize with. (Only one from high school, a few from college, and the majority from various jobs I have had over the years). My husband doesn't feel the need to make friends, and he even has a cousin that lives nearby. He's charming and people want to spend time with him and get to know him better, but he wants to spend all his time with me. We do visit my family frequently and have a ton of fun doing that, but usually when I hang out with my friends, I do it on my own, and less frequently than I used to. We're still trying to figure this one out.

We are thinking of moving to a completely different part of the U.S.---so then I'll feel what's its like to live in a place without friends.....

[ajames79 0]

Ya know, I am very sorry for all you who are not finding it so easy to make friends.

I must say that we have been very lucky to step into a group of friends here who have been so accepting and friendly to us that it has made Chris' move a lot easier to accept and look forward to. Although he has not moved yet I think we both feel that we have a good basis of support from friends and family all over the US and England. We have been lucky that is for sure.

I know in our local paper there is a section for clubs and area "happenings", I know that they have hiking clubs around here that are fantastic...maybe an adult dance class or a yoga class. Normally you can find a few that are pretty cheap to attend, if not free.

I know being a girl that it is nice to have girlfriends to go out and maybe Christmas shop etc. with, Perhaps a class is how you could meet that one person who you click with.

I also think that it is only fair of your husbands to try and make efforts to get you out..into the world a bit. I am sure they are great and supportive, but I know that there is no way I could understand all the feelings my spouse feels in a move and life change like this so I shall do what ever I can to help him feel comfy and make friends.