Pre-marriage jitters

[CBM 14]

I have to say, Aloe's advise is pretty spot on.

There is only so much loafing around (and butt scratching, as one person put it haha) one person can do. If you are in a state where you can just trade in your DL for that state's DL, I would advise doing so right away. Driving is a freedom that people take for granted. I know I did. Being stuck at home all day gets boring and lonely.

Volunteering is a great idea, but it can be difficult if your city has no public transport and you can't get a DL until you can prove legal residency (as is the case in my state). If you can swing it, I think volunteering is great for the soul. And your resume!

I've only been here for about 4 months, so we are just starting to get into the routine of doing things separately, and I honestly think it's been good for us. I tried golf, I really did, but it made me want to rip my eyelashes out one by one , so now my husband just goes on his merry way with his friends, and I go shopping or work out or something. We still do loads of stuff together, but I think that was a GREAT piece of advise in this thread - accept that it's okay to do things separately sometimes and life in the homestead will be happier.

Obviously I'm no marriage expert, and there's still stuff I learn every day. I totally understand the OP's jitters about moving to the US... I love California very much, and I love my husband even more, but it is difficult to move across the continent where you have to start over. I think someone said this already, but I think attempting to start over as quickly as possibly is going to make your life easier. I have spent too much time loafing and feeling sorry for myself, and it really doesn't make life any better.. going out and doing things makes a world of difference.

I realize my post is just a bunch of ramblings jumbled together, so I hope someone is able to make some sort of sense of it haha

Good luck to the OP!

[CBM 14]

It was entirely unsettling for me at 37 to stay at home and not work for the first 5 months.....we weren't worried about money, but I just couldn;t handle doign the housewife thing. I am very independent and have made it my business my entire life never to depend on ANYONE...so you can see how staying home and waiting for the kids and hubster everyday just about drove me over the edge!

What do you mean I can't spend my last $5 on starbucks...I have to think about whether he's spending it too? I exaggerate, but you know what I mean....I used to like to waste $$ on books but now it's not all mine anymore...just takes some getting used to that's all.

Have I mentioned differences in Money styles? Enough to drive you over the edge (seems to be a theme with me...hmmm).....I am the kind of girl who gets the bill and pays it that day - then I know what's in the account is mine. My husband on the other hand prefers to wait until the last day it's due ...a couple days late is not a big deal to him. You can guess who took over the bill situation It worked out well because I smoothly transitioned that to me under the guise that I was off for 5 months.

It must be a male thing! When we get a bill, I run to the computer and pay it online so I know it's done and dusted. There are few (mundane) things in life I dislike more than unnecessary late fees and interest payments! I like paying things in full, on time. Obviously paying in full is not always possible (e.g. car loan), but I can't stand having a balance on my credit cards. I also took over the bill situation, but I didn't even use a guise.... I just announced I was doing it and my husband has been quite pleased with the outcome . I have increased the amount we put into our savings account by 4x and my husband was sort of blown away that we can afford to haha

I love deals and savings.

[pocheros 101]

You guys are lovely Thanks for all the replies, ideas, and good wishes! I'm still waking up so hopefully I didn't mix up the posters here and directed my replies properly.

Aloe: LOL everything you said is very true! Once I told my fiance that getting married means he's the person who's farts I will tolerate! XD

We've already made plans to divide the loft into two separate offices so we can each have our own space. This is as much practical as psychological since we have dorky little hobbies that tend to accumulate stuff that take up a lot of space

The point about not wallowing in self pity is very poignant, I could totally see myself getting lazy and doing that. And also making sure you have your own space.

Thank you for the wise and hilarious words Especially the reassurance that it's normal to be scared!

Udella&Wiz: Yeah, we've had fights before. Your advice is spot on! It's challenging but it's the right thing to do. I'm still learning how to remain calm and respectful when we fight- it takes a lot of effort sometimes!

Also good idea on the whole dividing the chores thing.

SF2007: Regarding culture shock, it seems to me that Canada and the US are so big and varied that even moving from one state to another, or one province to another, is a huge culture shock. When I moved out of rural Ontario to a city in the greater Toronto area, it was a huge culture shock! Imagine going from rednecks to urbanites. I didn't particularly like rural Ontario (it's not bad, just not my cup of tea) and I prefer the city and fit in well here now, but it took some adjusting. I'm fortunate that where I'm going (Las Vegas) people don't seem to have an accent, so I can blend in a little bit although I'm sure some things will tip off my Canadian heritage.

I need to learn how to drive- that's another big hurdle for me, since I've relied on public transportation for years- and probably won't buy a car for awhile. But there are lots of things within walking distance of where I'll be living so at least I can get out every day. Volunteering sounds like a great idea.

Regarding work benefits/career stuff: I work a minimum wage job so anything will be a step up for me I'm not having kids so I'm unfamiliar with employee benefits regarding pregnancy. Health care sounds crazy though, like how when you have insurance you still have to pay for a doctor's visit. Even if it's $10 for a quick visit it seems like a rip off when you're already paying insurance every month and you don't have a choice of going to ANY doctor. I will definitely miss OHIP. I'm a very healthy person (knock on wood) so I usually go to the doctor only once a year for a full physical but my impression is doing those kinds of preventative check ups is unheard of in the States. Sure, I'm not unhealthy now, but isn't it good to create that kind of record so when I do start having health problems they know where to look? I like to get my thyroid tested every year because thyroid problems run in my family. I hope it doesn't cost too much money to do that in the States.

Regarding money styles:

This is a big thing between me and my fiance I guess it's not just a stereotype that women are better with money than men. I balk at my fiance's method of grocery shopping (which is more like getting take out whenever he's hungry). We've talked about this a lot and he says he wants to change his spending habits and needs help sticking to a budget, saving money etc. He's been very receptive to the idea of me "showing" him what to do with his money so hopefully that works out.

I'm also a pretty independent person and I hate the idea of sitting on my butt and not making any money. I looooove cooking though and I plan on doing a lot of it while I'm unemployed, partly to show my fiance that it's possible to eat well on a budget (not buying take out for breakfst, lunch, and dinner) and partly so I feel like I'm contributing somehow.

Sherrybaby: I'm buying my plane ticket today and I'm aiming for three weeks from now (September 10th). That gives me enough time to finish up here (I had my last day of work yesterday) and I also arrive there in time for my birthday (September 19th.) Good luck with your POE!

There's also this weird dichotomy- when you're in a long distance relationship and you finally get to see your SO you want to be with them 24/7 to make up for all the time you spent apart, but at the same time you want time to yourself. At least that's been my experience. I have a feeling my fiance and I will be attached at the hip for a couple weeks before we snap and hide in our respective offices I kept all our previous flight itineraries and added up the number of days we've seen each other over 3 1/2 years- 102! So 3 months for 3 years. That's not counting all the phone calls, though.

I'm sure you'll both figure something out! Good luck

OBX: Wow, you were long distance for 10 years? That's crazy! Perhaps you're right, I shouldn't overthink it Congrats on your long lasting marriage. I hope we stay together for just as long!

CBM: LOL at the golf thing. My fiance likes golf too but it seems like the most boring sport ever! As George Carlin put it, how little brains do you have to have to derive enjoyment from hitting a ball with a stick and then walking after it? No offense to any golf players here.

There are definitely things we're going to do separately. He has some dorky hobbies than I can't get into (warhammer and magic cards) and I have some interests he can't get into either. I'm not gonna force myself to like his things nor force him to like mine.

Regarding starting over as quickly as possible- I'll try to follow this advice. It seems like it's the most important thing to do, to establish your own life so you don't resent your fiance for moving and not having your own identity crisis existential blah blah blah #######. Hahaha.

Deals and savings are practically my hobby. I love looking at flyers, finding coupons, shopping at Bulk Barn and No Frills and checking out clearance racks at clothing stores.

Thanks again for all the lovely ideas guys

Edited August 20, 2011 by pocheros

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm gunna but in here and say the hardest thing for me, aside from being away from family and friends, is how similar things are, and yet so different.

Food was a BIG adjustment, especially bread and cheese and the amount of "fake" food out there. Different flavours too. I HATE cherry, reminds me of bronchitis medicine. I miss blackcurrant juice... esp apple and blackcurrant.

Words... that's been funny. I speak English, not American. Sometimes I speak Australian. Some people are tolerant of it. Some people are rude when they don't understand. One girl at work like to scream "SPEAK AMERICAN" when I say something she doesn't understand. She says it in a jokey way but it kinda really pisses me off. One of the hardest parts is when I don't know a word is specifically English/Australian and get that confused look and then i have to think of a word they might know to explain it..

Agree that drivers licence was a LIFESAVER! I now have a bike (got it for my birthday on the 15th Aug) and that's been great too. I like going for walks but rides is even better. Makes visiting friends a bit easier (especially in the heat at the moment). I would like to get a basket for it though

[Kathryn41 3,205]

The thing about cultural shock was a surprise for me. I had spent a fair bit of time in the US even prior to getting involved with Joe and then moving here and getting married. I knew there were differences but among the ones that really surprised me was the general 'attitude' to almost everything. There is a lot of 'black and white' thinking here that affects how people make decisions in their lives. There doesn't seem to be many shades of gray.

The attitude towards health is one that is very apparent - it is more than having to pay co-pays for doctor's visits and medication (btw - if you only get a $10 copay count yourself lucky - mine are $30 or $60 per office visit depending on the doctor). Because people have to pay for health they tend to try and put off doing anything about their health situations until it is a crisis of some sort. Preventative medicine is not common. It is like pulling teeth to get my husband to a doctor and he does have health issues. I make the appointments, I remind him and I basically 'push' to get him there just so he can get his prescription renewed (yeah, I pick them up as well ) and the whole time he grumbles and complains that they are just trying to get money from him - and he doesn't co-operate with them at all! The doctors also tend to 'overtest' - they are so afraid of being sued for malpractice that they try to cover everything they can to make sure that there isn't any possibility of someone suing them because they missed something - so part of my husband's concern is valid.

The environment - at least where we are there is little concern about environmental issues. The big thing here is -finally - people are encouraged to bring their own re-usable bags for groceries. The groceries themselves are still over-packaged and imported from across the country instead of using local suppliers - and everything is 'big name' - small suppliers are even scarcer than hens-teeth. I really miss the Bulk Barn and No Frills. Nothing like them in this area at all - and nothing like them for many of my US acquaintances.

The attitude towards others - it is very much more "Why should I do something for you? What's in it for me?" and a look of suspicion, followed by surprise when you do something nice for someone else as if they can't believe someone would do something nice just because they can. This is a profit motivated, profit organized society where people have been trained to believe that you don't get anything for nothing - and 'reward' only means money, not that sense of goodwill and personal satisfaction you get from being nice.

The biggest one that saddens me is the lack of tolerance and the insensitivity to the needs of others. No one seems to have any sense of community here, that together we are able to be more effective at solving problems and making things good for all by working together and learning how to compromise what we can and stand firm on what we can't compromise. Compromise seems to mean someone else wins and they lose rather than we all win.

There are a lot of good things about the US but for me the prevalent 'attitude' is one of the biggest liabilities and challenges American society faces in dealing with its current economic, political and social instabilities. That was the biggest cultural 'shock' for me.

Edited August 20, 2011 by Kathryn41

[Darnell 8,478]

How many people actually stay in a long distance relationship for years and then move to a new country to be with them?

Many of us, here, in fact.

Yer not alone

[Flames9_RN 358]

We did the long distance thing for quite awhile. I think he longest we spent away i the nearly 3 yrs was 6 weeks, otherwise 1 of us were flying to see the other, yep the airlines loved us,lol Thank god flights were a bit cheaper back then.

It's normal to be concerned, especially for the one leaving their country, as most likely your having to give up your job, and friends!! I hated to leave the Air Force, had a great job, but its just that a job, but hard to find a better desk than a CP 140 Aurora (P3C) lol. But it has been more than worth it. I'm glad we took our time and didn't rush into it. Always a little concerned when I see youngens on here just meeting and rushing to file a relationship visa!! I guess its not so much an age thing, that goes for anyone that rushes into a relationship. But yes it normal to feel concerned/worried!!

[pocheros 101]

Many of us, here, in fact.

Yer not alone

That's what I meant- it was a rhetorical question. I'm glad that I found a forum where this is the norm.

I will reply to the other posts later- busy right now.

[pocheros 101]

Vanessa & Tony: Whenever my fiance came to visit he would comment on how much nicer our grocery stores are. I'd take him to Fortinos and he was amazed at how nice it is Not that I shop there regularly (usually go for No Frills). Even then he said that he doesn't know of any No Frills-style places. I really love food and cooking, especially with all kinds of different foods to I hope this isn't too big of a downer in the area I'm moving to... It seems like the traditional American diet is just steak and potatoes, and the only fruits are apples and bananas. Boring!

Regarding the English dialect thing: That's pretty crappy! Even if it's meant in a jokey way it's rude.

It's also funny on how american television they have subtitles for british and australian accents... I have no trouble understanding what they're saying. I guess some people might, but it still seems silly to me... (Jamaican accents are a different story )

Kathryn: Regarding health care, my fiance is the same way. Insightful how the system kind of works against individuals- I thought my fiance just didn't like doctors/dentists/was too lazy to go even when he should, haha. I feel really bad for americans who can't afford insurance I hope birth control pills don't cost too much as compared to Canada.

Personally I don't find people terribly sensitive towards others where I live right now, and there's an awful lot of racism, especially towards immigrants. But in other parts of Ontario people are different. At the same time I do think Canada is more forward thinking thinking than the States (legalizing gay marriage in 2005, for example.)

It seems like there's pockets of extremists in different states that get spots on Fox News where they can disseminate their (often crazy) beliefs and encourage others like them to be extremely vocal even if they don't represent the country as a whole. Then again, there is that whole "bootstraps" attitude, and paranoia about socialism... My fiance has a mexican ancestry but for lack of a better term acts and speaks "white," so when he's at work and his co-workers are talking about illegal immigrants and how they should be shot they don't even realize how offensive they're being!

Flames: I actually dated my fiance for 3 1/2 years before getting my visa But I'm only 21 so it is a big step, and older people are usually concerned about me if the subject comes up. They think I'm crazy Thank you for the reassurance!

Edit: Man I really abuse the emoticons in my posts. lol

Edited August 23, 2011 by pocheros