Pre-marriage jitters

[pocheros 101]

As mentioned in the way we were thread, it seems like there's an abundance of technical questions without as many "fun" threads. So in an attempt to switch the topics a little bit...

My visa arrived at the DHL branch on Wednesday (haven't had a chance to pick it up yet), so tonight my fiance is buying my plane tickets and I'm spending the next couple weeks packing, hanging out with friends, etc. before I go. I adore my fiance and I know I'll enjoy my life where I'm moving, but sometimes I think we're a little insane for doing all of this, haha. How many people actually stay in a long distance relationship for years and then move to a new country to be with them? It's nice to be on a forum where everyone goes through this and understands what it's like. I'll admit I'm a little scared because I have to make new friends, find a new job, and basically make a whole new life from scratch. The fiance has seen me many times over the last few years, but still not as much as a "regular" relationship so actually living together is going to be a shock. (Well, moving in with someone is going to be a shock even if you see them every day.) I've obsessed over this whole immigration process for the last year to the point my personal life has basically eroded, and I couldn't enjoy myself or relax until it was over Now I'm remembering what I actually want to do with my life.

Who relates to this? Oh, and advice is cool too

[Aloe 10]

I'm not going to lie and neither should anyone else.... It isn't an easy thing to do.

The best advice I can give is don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't go in thinking that you are going to have the perfect life with the perfect partner there is no such thing. the proximal relationship needs work just like your long distance relationship did. Things get easier in some aspects and in others will get harder.

*NEWSFLASH* Your fiance is not perfect! Despite what you think he may snore, fart a lot, pick his nose (yes even while you are looking), leave wet towels on the floor in the bathroom for you to pick up and not clean hair out of the drain etc etc etc. These things if you are not expecting them may come as a rude shock to you but it cand and will happen! This will be a part of you adjusting to living with him it happens when you move in with ANYONE but more so a partner. He will also find little things about you that drive him insane too so don't think you are perfect either! This is based off my personal experience.

When you do arrive to the U.S. although it is tempting DO NOT shut yourself off to the outside world to be with your not so perfect partner for the first 6 months this is a no-no. You both need to establish a life together of course but don't forget you are your own person as is he and you will both need space and time to figure out how the dynamice of your relationship will work. If you do spend every waking moment with him for the first few months you will set yourself back in becoming independent in a new place and you don't want that. I found that whe I moved in with my hubby having two bedrooms was helpful when I first arrived all of my things went into "my space" and he still had "his space" of course we slept in the same room but I sloooowly added my girly things to his bedroom so it wasn't an all out overhaul of his space. It was more fo a where did this come from where did that come from and all of a sudden his space in the closet had been reduced by 80% and there fluffy things on the bed and weird girly things in the underwear drawers. *Don't forget this will be a big adjustment for him too!* And it became "our space" over a period of time which allowed for us to adjust too. The extra room also gave me somewhere to go when I wanted to be alone.

GET OUT as much as you can learn your way around even if youcan't drive make an effort to meet people. There will be a point in time when you feel sorry for yourself like you are trapped, you can't drive, you can't work, you don't have many friends do not dwell on it get out and do something about it join a group nearby that shares one of your interests! PLEASE believe me on this I did not do it and there was a point when we almost got a divorce because I was so deep in my own self pity! When I finally met some people and got out of the house even for an hour it made me much happier as though I still did have my own life outside of him.

And I guess lastly... It's normal to be scared, nervous, worried, apprehensive and whatever else everything will fall into place with help from the BOTH of you!

The most important thing in my ramblings is the whole expectations thing. Nothing is going to be what you expected if you have high expectations although it will turn out wonderful

Edited August 19, 2011 by Aloe

[Aloe 10]

And I did not realise that this was in the Canadian section but it still applies! Sorry for intruding!

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Such good advice - I was laughing out loud!

Living together is different. Nevermind that he might fart, you may not feel comfortable in your own house letting one rip yourself So have you ever really had a fight with your fiancé yet? If not - you will and it will seem like such a horrible thing but if you try to remain respectful and fight the so called 'fair way' it will all be fine in the end. No name calling, no personalizing the issue (ie 'YOU always do X')...that is not helpful.

After almost 4 yrs I am by no means a pro....it takes a bit of getting used to but I like spending time with my husband. Biggest thing for me was getting over the idea that we should always be doing something together.....when we were dating we of course always did everything together during our visits, but once you live together some stuff needs to get done separately or else it will never get done...divide and conquer the garbage, laundry, cleaning etc etc etc.

My husband does not care for how I squeeze the tube of toothpaste and never really said much but I would squeeze it in the middle and later on I would find it'fixed' and all squeezed up from the end. It bugged me so now we have 2 tubes of toothpaste (I like a different brand anyway). Hardly a big deal but you have to decide what to battle about and what not to.

I'm not going to lie and neither should anyone else.... It isn't an easy thing to do.

The best advice I can give is don't have unrealistic expectations. Don't go in thinking that you are going to have the perfect life with the perfect partner there is no such thing. the proximal relationship needs work just like your long distance relationship did. Things get easier in some aspects and in others will get harder.

*NEWSFLASH* Your fiance is not perfect! Despite what you think he may snore, fart a lot, pick his nose (yes even while you are looking), leave wet towels on the floor in the bathroom for you to pick up and not clean hair out of the drain etc etc etc. These things if you are not expecting them may come as a rude shock to you but it cand and will happen! This will be a part of you adjusting to living with him it happens when you move in with ANYONE but more so a partner. He will also find little things about you that drive him insane too so don't think you are perfect either! This is based off my personal experience.

When you do arrive to the U.S. although it is tempting DO NOT shut yourself off to the outside world to be with your not so perfect partner for the first 6 months this is a no-no. You both need to establish a life together of course but don't forget you are your own person as is he and you will both need space and time to figure out how the dynamice of your relationship will work. If you do spend every waking moment with him for the first few months you will set yourself back in becoming independent in a new place and you don't want that. I found that whe I moved in with my hubby having two bedrooms was helpful when I first arrived all of my things went into "my space" and he still had "his space" of course we slept in the same room but I sloooowly added my girly things to his bedroom so it wasn't an all out overhaul of his space. It was more fo a where did this come from where did that come from and all of a sudden his space in the closet had been reduced by 80% and there fluffy things on the bed and weird girly things in the underwear drawers. *Don't forget this will be a big adjustment for him too!* And it became "our space" over a period of time which allowed for us to adjust too. The extra room also gave me somewhere to go when I wanted to be alone.

GET OUT as much as you can learn your way around even if youcan't drive make an effort to meet people. There will be a point in time when you feel sorry for yourself like you are trapped, you can't drive, you can't work, you don't have many friends do not dwell on it get out and do something about it join a group nearby that shares one of your interests! PLEASE believe me on this I did not do it and there was a point when we almost got a divorce because I was so deep in my own self pity! When I finally met some people and got out of the house even for an hour it made me much happier as though I still did have my own life outside of him.

And I guess lastly... It's normal to be scared, nervous, worried, apprehensive and whatever else everything will fall into place with help from the BOTH of you!

The most important thing in my ramblings is the whole expectations thing. Nothing is going to be what you expected if you have high expectations although it will turn out wonderful

[SF2007 48]

And I did not realise that this was in the Canadian section but it still applies! Sorry for intruding!

I'm sure we can make this a Commonwealth thread

Haha wow you guys have spirit! I just moved this June and I am still adjust (and probably will for a while). Love your advice to divide and conquer the chore Udella&Wiz, and Aloe's NEWSFLASH. The wedding itself was easy for us, we both come from non religious families and we had a ceremony held in our backyard with a friend officiant and our 2 witnesses. We will do a big reception with both families and friends later.

I've been a career person for all my adult life and I found it unsettling to have to sit around and wait during the visa process. Now that I am in the U.S., that's still what I am doing. I am waiting for my EAD/green card and my fiance and I also want to start a family. We're not getting any younger so... I kinda hope I'll get pregnant before I get it. I have to say work benefits here sucks when you compare them to what we had in Canada. I have a friend here who just got a baby, and barely a month and a half later, she had to get back to work

The way I found to cope with my boredomness was to find a rewarding volunteering position and make new friends. I am also fortunate my husband and I could afford a second car for me, so I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Being in NM, commuting is practically non-existent and being stuck at home watching Real Housewives reruns was not the greatest for my self esteem. Overall, I would say my husband and I are adjusting pretty well to living together. We both do our best to keep an open-minded attitude about our differences. It's almost shocking that us Canadians think moving to the U.S. is no big deal, because after all we're neighbors, only to discover that it is in fact a whole foreign country and is about as different from Canada as any other. I have vacationed on the East coast several times but living in the Southwest now, it's a whole new thing.

Edited August 19, 2011 by SF2007

[Udella&Wiz 325]

It was entirely unsettling for me at 37 to stay at home and not work for the first 5 months.....we weren't worried about money, but I just couldn;t handle doign the housewife thing. I am very independent and have made it my business my entire life never to depend on ANYONE...so you can see how staying home and waiting for the kids and hubster everyday just about drove me over the edge!

What do you mean I can't spend my last $5 on starbucks...I have to think about whether he's spending it too? I exaggerate, but you know what I mean....I used to like to waste $$ on books but now it's not all mine anymore...just takes some getting used to that's all.

Have I mentioned differences in Money styles? Enough to drive you over the edge (seems to be a theme with me...hmmm).....I am the kind of girl who gets the bill and pays it that day - then I know what's in the account is mine. My husband on the other hand prefers to wait until the last day it's due ...a couple days late is not a big deal to him. You can guess who took over the bill situation It worked out well because I smoothly transitioned that to me under the guise that I was off for 5 months.

I'm sure we can make this a Commonwealth thread

Haha wow you guys have spirit! I just moved this June and I am still adjust (and probably will for a while). Love your advice to divide and conquer the chore Udella&Wiz, and Aloe's NEWSFLASH. The wedding itself was easy for us, we both come from non religious families and we had a ceremony held in our backyard with a friend officiant and our 2 witnesses. We will do a big reception with both families and friends later.

I've been a career person for all my adult life and I found it unsettling to have to sit around and wait during the visa process. Now that I am in the U.S., that's still what I am doing. I am waiting for my EAD/green card and my fiance and I also want to start a family. We're not getting any younger so... I kinda hope I'll get pregnant before I get it. I have to say work benefits here sucks when you compare them to what we had in Canada. I have a friend here who just got a baby, and barely a month and a half later, she had to get back to work

The way I found to cope with my boredomness was to find a rewarding volunteering position and make new friends. I am also fortunate my husband and I could afford a second car for me, so I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Being in NM, commuting is practically non-existent and being stuck at home watching Real Housewives reruns was not the greatest for my self esteem. Overall, I would say my husband and I are adjusting pretty well to living together. We both do our best to keep an open-minded attitude about our differences. It's almost shocking that us Canadians think moving to the U.S. is no big deal, because after all we're neighbors, only to discover that it is in fact a whole foreign country and is about as different from Canada as any other. I have vacationed on the East coast several times but living in the Southwest now, it's a whole new thing.

Edited August 19, 2011 by Udella&Wiz

[ralyse 31]

It was entirely unsettling for me at 37 to stay at home and not work for the first 5 months.....we weren't worried about money, but I just couldn;t handle doign the housewife thing. I am very independent and have made it my business my entire life never to depend on ANYONE...so you can see how staying home and waiting for the kids and hubster everyday just about drove me over the edge!

I've only been here just shy of a week and wedding planning is taking up a decent amount of my time, but this whole "not working" thing has been such an adjustment since I left my job in July. I've worked since high school. I worked two jobs the entire time I was in university (And for one very horrible summer, three!) and just the fact that right now I don't have a shift and a schedule and any of that is already messing with my head.

We did adopt a cat yesterday though, and she's adorable and playful and taking up my time

[Udella&Wiz 325]

I've only been here just shy of a week and wedding planning is taking up a decent amount of my time, but this whole "not working" thing has been such an adjustment since I left my job in July. I've worked since high school. I worked two jobs the entire time I was in university (And for one very horrible summer, three!) and just the fact that right now I don't have a shift and a schedule and any of that is already messing with my head.

We did adopt a cat yesterday though, and she's adorable and playful and taking up my time

Pretend you're living like a 'Housewife',,,lol minus their money of course. I wish I had enjoyed it more, it was the only time in my adult life that I had no job responsibilities

[Inky 1,110]

I have a friend here who just got a baby, and barely a month and a half later, she had to get back to work

That depends on where you work and the policy they have also depends on how much time you take off during pregnancy and how early you start your pregnancy leave. I have people I know that have had much longer than a month and a half and some even get paid time off during pregnancy. Where I worked I could get max 3-4 months off if I took no leave while pregnant and started leave the day I was in labor.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

That depends on where you work and the policy they have also depends on how much time you take off during pregnancy and how early you start your pregnancy leave. I have people I know that have had much longer than a month and a half and some even get paid time off during pregnancy. Where I worked I could get max 3-4 months off if I took no leave while pregnant and started leave the day I was in labor.

For anyone having a baby - brush up on the FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) details http://www.dol.gov/compliance/laws/comp-fmla.htm#overview

[SF2007 48]

Thank you Udella & Inky for the helpful information. Being from Quebec, I am used to the up to 25 weeks parental leave in which you get paid for at least 55% of your base salary. And you can split it between both parents. Even if it's up to 3 unpaid months in the U.S, it's still a big adjustment for me. I guess not paying as much taxes makes up for it.

[canada_socks 97]

Pocheros, when are you moving to the US? I am heading down the weekend of the 24th of September (haven't decided the actual day yet). I am also in the process of packing at the moment. Two more weeks of work left!!

My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years now, engaged for about a year and a half now. We have been pretty lucky as far as visits go (I get 3 week long holidays a year, and he gets about 3 or 4 (he puts in extra time to get more holidays). We also had been doing long weekend trips in between our week long visits (meeting up in Niagara Falls ON, Buffalo NY or Erie PA for 3-4 days). It will be great to be with him all the time, but I know we need some separation. I'm sure we will figure it out.

[Udella&Wiz 325]

Thank you Udella & Inky for the helpful information. Being from Quebec, I am used to the up to 25 weeks parental leave in which you get paid for at least 55% of your base salary. And you can split it between both parents. Even if it's up to 3 unpaid months in the U.S, it's still a big adjustment for me. I guess not paying as much taxes makes up for it.

I just cannot imagine taking my 3 month old to a sitter or daycare - we've had a couple girls here at work who found it very heart wrenching I had my daughter 19 yrs ago and at that time mat leave in ON was 6 months...it was right for me since I was itching to get back to work the new 1 yr is nice.

[Colleens 40]

Thank you Udella & Inky for the helpful information. Being from Quebec, I am used to the up to 25 weeks parental leave in which you get paid for at least 55% of your base salary. And you can split it between both parents. Even if it's up to 3 unpaid months in the U.S, it's still a big adjustment for me. I guess not paying as much taxes makes up for it.

I lucked out with my timing of getting pregnant. I was visiting hubby in the US while I was waiting for my VIsa interview, I went home for my interview and stayed for 3 weeks to visit family and friends. When I returned to the US we found out we were expecting!! Since I couldn't work and I couldn't draw EI while I was waiting for my EAD I was able to get 15wks mat leave and 25wks parental leave (I would have had 50 wks of parental, but I was laid off just before moving to the US and got a 6month severance package, so that affected my claim). And since I had my baby in the same year that I left I was able to get my maternity benefits. I have just started back to work the past few weeks after 7.5 months at home with my baby. The majority of moms in the US get 6weeks -3 months of unpaid leave. I couldn't imagine having to take my baby to day care at that age.

[OBX 51]

It was entirely unsettling for me at 37 to stay at home and not work for the first 5 months.....we weren't worried about money, but I just couldn;t handle doign the housewife thing. I am very independent and have made it my business my entire life never to depend on ANYONE...so you can see how staying home and waiting for the kids and hubster everyday just about drove me over the edge!

What do you mean I can't spend my last $5 on starbucks...I have to think about whether he's spending it too? I exaggerate, but you know what I mean....I used to like to waste $ on books but now it's not all mine anymore...just takes some getting used to that's all.

Have I mentioned differences in Money styles? Enough to drive you over the edge (seems to be a theme with me...hmmm).....I am the kind of girl who gets the bill and pays it that day - then I know what's in the account is mine. My husband on the other hand prefers to wait until the last day it's due ...a couple days late is not a big deal to him. You can guess who took over the bill situation It worked out well because I smoothly transitioned that to me under the guise that I was off for 5 months.

I can totally relate to that! My husband is exactly the same way. He refuses to bank online because he says he spends so much time on the computer at work that it's the last thing he wants to do when he gets home. He still pays everything by cheque and God forbid it is put in the mail to actually arrive on time. I don't understand why his credit rating is so good when he often pays the bills late, don't they care about that down here?

I have no advice to give those of you just starting out. My husband and I will have known each other 30 years this October, spent 10 years in a long-distance relationship, have been married for 3 years, are complete opposites, drive each other crazy daily and yet here we are. I figure some things are just meant to be and it's better not to think too hard about it.