Checking in after a long absence

[S and S 12]

Hello everyone, I used to participate on this forum regularly back a few years ago. My husband and I got married in May of 2007, but he didn't arrive here until December of 2008. It was a long journey filled with the angst I'm sure many of you are going through now. He was Iraqi and and a refugee. He couldn't go back to his country and wasn't very welcome in Syria or Jordan, where he stayed for a couple years before finally coming to the United States. We never did get his spouse visa in those eighteen months. The whole process dragged and was completely frustrating. We got lucky that the US approved him for a refugee visa, so he came here on that. It saved us some money in the long run though I spent a lot already trying the other route.

Anyway, I know many people hear horror stories about MENA marriages. Part of me worried about it myself, but I believed I was the exception to the rule. We were open and honest with each other and around the same age. Thankfully, my marriage was among the small percentage that make it. He hasn't needed me since the day he arrived in the country, due to the US government sponsored his coming here rather than me. Yet it will be three years in December since he arrived and our relationship is stronger than ever. We still don't have any children, but we hope some day it will happen (God willing). Due to the economy going bad right before he got here, it took eight months for him to get his first job. The first two he found paid less than four hundred a month since they were part time. The third job, at a gas station, gave him full time work but barely above minimum wage. It wasn't until seven months ago that he got a job through Walmart's distribution center that he finally got something making about $15 an hour. We live in a cheaper state so this is okay. It is labor intensive and not what his degree is in, but we are thankful that it at least pays the bills. I have been able to go back to school and finish my degree as well, which has been great.

I have to say, the first year was the worst. Those that may have told you this are not lying or exaggerating. It is awful and takes tremendous patience. Not everyone can survive it because it requires both spouses to really try. The MENA spouse will need help with every tiny thing. You will go to the grocery store and they will want to know why there are one hundred kinds of salad dressing, ketchup, cheese, vinegar, etc. You have to explain about credit cards, banking, pumping gas, fast food drive-thrus, and the list goes on. My husband didn't even understand why we had to pay the electric every month since they only paid it quarterly or something. It all sounds amusing now, but I swear the endless questions and acts of helplessness were enough to drive me insane. We definitely fought and occasionally thought our marriage wouldn't last. Yet, we still remembered that we loved each other. How could we go through all those eighteen months of pain and troubles to get him here just to give up? So we rode it out. I compromised on some things, he compromised on others. We learned what subjects were safe to talk about and which ones were best left alone. He learned to fend for himself and get around without me helping him. I forced him to become independent and he hated it, but he learned and is quite happy now to be self-sufficient. Don't get me wrong, the man still will not cook or clean, lol. Yet he will work, occasionally take the trash out, buy groceries, and other small things. He has mastered the credit card quite well (which can be a bad thing but he hates debt so not too bad). The check book is still a mystery to him no matter how many times I explain and even show how he can copy the previous entries through the carbon copies. I think he just doesn't want to write the rent check out himself. He will walk it down to the office though!

The other day I was on the phone with a service company about something and I had to ask my husband a couple questions for the lady on the line. We got to joking and laughing and she asked if we were newly weds! I told her no, we had been married for over four years. She was shocked. We often laugh now like we did when we first met. Keeping a sense of humor and lightheartedness has helped tremendously. Remembering to say "I love you" and maintaining affection help as well. What amazes me most is how hard my husband still tries to make me happy, even when I'm being the less than pleasant one. He still cares a lot and it always touches me.

So, I just wanted you all to know that there is hope. Not all MENA relationships fail. Some do work. I think occasionally one of the older crew pops in to let you know, but thought I would add to the list. For everyone waiting, keep your faith and hope alive. I wish you a short journey to reuniting with your spouses and much happiness.

[momof1 205]

Congrats!!! We just celebrated our 9th anniversary. There are many happy stories

[ginnyb 3]

Hello everyone, I used to participate on this forum regularly back a few years ago. My husband and I got married in May of 2007, but he didn't arrive here until December of 2008. It was a long journey filled with the angst I'm sure many of you are going through now. He was Iraqi and and a refugee. He couldn't go back to his country and wasn't very welcome in Syria or Jordan, where he stayed for a couple years before finally coming to the United States. We never did get his spouse visa in those eighteen months. The whole process dragged and was completely frustrating. We got lucky that the US approved him for a refugee visa, so he came here on that. It saved us some money in the long run though I spent a lot already trying the other route.

Anyway, I know many people hear horror stories about MENA marriages. Part of me worried about it myself, but I believed I was the exception to the rule. We were open and honest with each other and around the same age. Thankfully, my marriage was among the small percentage that make it. He hasn't needed me since the day he arrived in the country, due to the US government sponsored his coming here rather than me. Yet it will be three years in December since he arrived and our relationship is stronger than ever. We still don't have any children, but we hope some day it will happen (God willing). Due to the economy going bad right before he got here, it took eight months for him to get his first job. The first two he found paid less than four hundred a month since they were part time. The third job, at a gas station, gave him full time work but barely above minimum wage. It wasn't until seven months ago that he got a job through Walmart's distribution center that he finally got something making about $15 an hour. We live in a cheaper state so this is okay. It is labor intensive and not what his degree is in, but we are thankful that it at least pays the bills. I have been able to go back to school and finish my degree as well, which has been great.

I have to say, the first year was the worst. Those that may have told you this are not lying or exaggerating. It is awful and takes tremendous patience. Not everyone can survive it because it requires both spouses to really try. The MENA spouse will need help with every tiny thing. You will go to the grocery store and they will want to know why there are one hundred kinds of salad dressing, ketchup, cheese, vinegar, etc. You have to explain about credit cards, banking, pumping gas, fast food drive-thrus, and the list goes on. My husband didn't even understand why we had to pay the electric every month since they only paid it quarterly or something. It all sounds amusing now, but I swear the endless questions and acts of helplessness were enough to drive me insane. We definitely fought and occasionally thought our marriage wouldn't last. Yet, we still remembered that we loved each other. How could we go through all those eighteen months of pain and troubles to get him here just to give up? So we rode it out. I compromised on some things, he compromised on others. We learned what subjects were safe to talk about and which ones were best left alone. He learned to fend for himself and get around without me helping him. I forced him to become independent and he hated it, but he learned and is quite happy now to be self-sufficient. Don't get me wrong, the man still will not cook or clean, lol. Yet he will work, occasionally take the trash out, buy groceries, and other small things. He has mastered the credit card quite well (which can be a bad thing but he hates debt so not too bad). The check book is still a mystery to him no matter how many times I explain and even show how he can copy the previous entries through the carbon copies. I think he just doesn't want to write the rent check out himself. He will walk it down to the office though!

The other day I was on the phone with a service company about something and I had to ask my husband a couple questions for the lady on the line. We got to joking and laughing and she asked if we were newly weds! I told her no, we had been married for over four years. She was shocked. We often laugh now like we did when we first met. Keeping a sense of humor and lightheartedness has helped tremendously. Remembering to say "I love you" and maintaining affection help as well. What amazes me most is how hard my husband still tries to make me happy, even when I'm being the less than pleasant one. He still cares a lot and it always touches me.

So, I just wanted you all to know that there is hope. Not all MENA relationships fail. Some do work. I think occasionally one of the older crew pops in to let you know, but thought I would add to the list. For everyone waiting, keep your faith and hope alive. I wish you a short journey to reuniting with your spouses and much happiness.

Thanks for sharing your story....it's nice to read about a successful marriage and what you do to make it all work!

[bahisgirl 11]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It certainly gives me hope and makes me smile to read about your successful marriage. I really enjoyed your insight on the first year. I am in the midst of that first year right now and some days it is so difficult, especially helping him to become more independent...the job hunting...and the learning to drive. But we are so in love and we work through those. There are some days that I sit back and think I must have been crazy for starting this process...but most days I am just so happy we are together. It is funny to look back and think that the actually visa process was the easy part, its the adjustments and compromises that are the truely difficult part.

Thank you again for sharing!

Jackie

[S and S 12]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It certainly gives me hope and makes me smile to read about your successful marriage. I really enjoyed your insight on the first year. I am in the midst of that first year right now and some days it is so difficult, especially helping him to become more independent...the job hunting...and the learning to drive. But we are so in love and we work through those. There are some days that I sit back and think I must have been crazy for starting this process...but most days I am just so happy we are together. It is funny to look back and think that the actually visa process was the easy part, its the adjustments and compromises that are the truely difficult part.

Thank you again for sharing!

Jackie

You are right that I didn't believe the visa part would be easier than the adjustment period. It wasn't that much easier, but some. The visa process gave me ulcers and depression. His coming here was mostly one long stressful period until we worked things out. I think the hard part about them adjusting is that you see them as these independent, mature men until they have to rely on you for everything. Then it is like having a kid that you must teach everything, but at a much more rapid rate. My hubby hadn't needed a driver's license in Iraq so that was a pain as well, though he did get it three months after coming. I got a nice tax refund around that time because I could claim him and he hadn't made any money the year before so it made us look poorer than we really were. Since I only got that much because of him, I spent it on getting him a cheap vehicle. It still works and he drives it all the time. I often joke when he is getting me angry that if he keeps it up then he can sleep in his van, lol. I'm not serious but that is the running joke with us.

I have to say discrimination is also a problem since people are often leery of Arabs these days. Some people have said some horrible things to him. At the gas station job, one guy refused to give my husband his ID for buying cigarettes saying that he shouldn't have to show his ID to a "non-American". I wish I had been there for that incident. My husband had to show his identification many times around Baghdad to the US check points and he didn't complain. Yet this guy couldn't dig out his drivers license just to buy cigarettes? Some people are so ignorant. There are times I wish I could protect my hubby from it all, but know that isn't possible. God forbid they ever do it in front of me though. I'll tell them I brought him here, and as a soldier who served in Iraq and risked my life for a questionable war, they better not tell me who I can marry and bring here. My husband is a good man who wouldn't harm a soul. Heck, most of the time if he sees a bug that got in the apartment he has me kill it, lol!

I hope things smooth out for you Jackie and that you have a long happy marriage. Sounds like you are doing fairly well, which is a good sign

Congrats!!! We just celebrated our 9th anniversary. There are many happy stories

I think it helps when those of us who survived the gauntlet let others know. Glad you have lasted so long. That is inspiration for me, even if I'm fairly certain we will be fine at this point!

[bahisgirl 11]

I hope things smooth out for you Jackie and that you have a long happy marriage. Sounds like you are doing fairly well, which is a good sign

I think it helps when those of us who survived the gauntlet let others know. Glad you have lasted so long. That is inspiration for me, even if I'm fairly certain we will be fine at this point!

Thank you so much...I think we are definitely on our way to a long happy marriage...and the good always outweighs the bad

[LoveMyMohamed 6]

First off - congratulations and it's wonderful to hear your good news, great love story too! I really appreciate your stopping in and giving us still in the initial phases some insight into what we may expect in the days to come. Your post was really welcome and so helpful. Thanks for sharing your story, and I wish you and your husband many many years of happiness and children }

[Staashi 371]

S and S! Glad to see you again. Congrats!

[~Jackie~ 30]

Good to see you again !

Jackie

[S and S 12]

First off - congratulations and it's wonderful to hear your good news, great love story too! I really appreciate your stopping in and giving us still in the initial phases some insight into what we may expect in the days to come. Your post was really welcome and so helpful. Thanks for sharing your story, and I wish you and your husband many many years of happiness and children }

Thank you very much. I do hope it helped. Best of luck to you as well

Jackie and Staashi, nice to see both of you again as well. Good to know some familiar faces are still around!

[mounir412 101]

Thanks for sharing your story