Married my fiance but having marital problems

[Ready to do it 101]

Texas is a "no fault" divorce state.

OP- I really do wish the best for you, and my advice is figure out a way to make the relationship work out. Why?

Go back and re-read the first 2-3 pages of this thread. You had stated that you felt like you guys were best being apart at times... some stress here and there, some arguments (which are quite normal both in new marriages and when a long distance relationship comes together) Disagreements can be healthy. However, you did state that you guys disagree about everything. That right there tells me that this relationship probably won't work out. You also state that you both really want to make it work and both love each other etc.

Then on Aug 8 you state there is another woman. Responses come in, you recognize that you have very limited "rights" regarding immigration. On Aug 10, someone mentions the only shot you have is a potential VAWA claim if there is mental or verbal abuse. Many have stated start collecting evidence, you want to tape record him, etc. However, the thing to note is before Aug 8 you never had mentioned anything about verbal or mental abuse other than the typical disagreements that couples have... which you did state earlier that you guys pretty much disagree with everything. It takes two to tango. You are in a really crappy spot, but truth be told, VAWA nor the potential for VAWA was mentioned until after you said something about another woman.

I honestly think, while it may seem like the only way for you to get what you want, that going down the path of a false VAWA claim isn't the best path. In fact, if I were in your shoes I would completely put off the AOS part and focus on your relationship. You stated that the AOS paperwork is stressing you both out some. My advice is completely take out everything that stresses you, him, and or both from your life and try to work it out. He wanted you here, and you even stated that he loves you in the first few pages of this thread. Work on that love, do every kind gesture you possibly can, make it a habit to start agreeing with him, etc. In essence, I would act as though you are there for him, to please him, and to worship him. Why? Because he will either change and love this new attitude or it will frustrate the heck out of him to where eventually perhaps you do need to divorce. However, that would be months if not years down the road... after you have completed your AOS.

Don't get me wrong, it's not fair that you would have to in a nutshell serve as his slave for months or even a few years, but it is the one way that you could actually get everything you ever wanted. Custody, Immigration rights etc... or even perhaps a lifetime full of love. I say that because people change. Give it a chance. Unfortunately, while it seems as though you are the one with a great heart, etc. you are going to have to learn to accept his ways for a period of time... all of his ways or the alternative will turn out bad for you.

You really have no evidence for a VAWA claim, a few tape recordings of some disagreements aren't going to do a whole heck of a lot, you have no money for counsel (do you really want free counsel represnting you?), and you can't even imagine the stress you will go through once you start down that path... especially since it will be an all or nothing for you. I.e. You get your kid and a greencard or you lose your right to stay in the US and most likely your child as he will fight for the child to stay here. It hurts, but I just didn't see any mention of any sort of abuse until after you knew about another woman.

My advice... ask him about the other woman, talk about her with him, find out how long it's been going on, if he cares for her, etc (do all of those things in a very caring way). Let him know how much you love him and that you don't want it to tear your relationship apart. Let him know that you married him, so you will stand by his side through the tough times and that we'll get through it.... I'd even go as far as stating that you can accept that you guys have been together for 4 years and maybe he's not really sure what he wants so you will give him his space and let him see where the relationship goes with the other woman. This sounds foolish, but truth be told... in the long run you win regardless of what happens. If you file a false VAWA or even a valid VAWA claim nothing is guaranteed. Think about it.

[bbubble 0]

Texas is a "no fault" divorce state.

OP- I really do wish the best for you, and my advice is figure out a way to make the relationship work out. Why?

Go back and re-read the first 2-3 pages of this thread. You had stated that you felt like you guys were best being apart at times... some stress here and there, some arguments (which are quite normal both in new marriages and when a long distance relationship comes together) Disagreements can be healthy. However, you did state that you guys disagree about everything. That right there tells me that this relationship probably won't work out. You also state that you both really want to make it work and both love each other etc.

Then on Aug 8 you state there is another woman. Responses come in, you recognize that you have very limited "rights" regarding immigration. On Aug 10, someone mentions the only shot you have is a potential VAWA claim if there is mental or verbal abuse. Many have stated start collecting evidence, you want to tape record him, etc. However, the thing to note is before Aug 8 you never had mentioned anything about verbal or mental abuse other than the typical disagreements that couples have... which you did state earlier that you guys pretty much disagree with everything. It takes two to tango. You are in a really crappy spot, but truth be told, VAWA nor the potential for VAWA was mentioned until after you said something about another woman.

I honestly think, while it may seem like the only way for you to get what you want, that going down the path of a false VAWA claim isn't the best path. In fact, if I were in your shoes I would completely put off the AOS part and focus on your relationship. You stated that the AOS paperwork is stressing you both out some. My advice is completely take out everything that stresses you, him, and or both from your life and try to work it out. He wanted you here, and you even stated that he loves you in the first few pages of this thread. Work on that love, do every kind gesture you possibly can, make it a habit to start agreeing with him, etc. In essence, I would act as though you are there for him, to please him, and to worship him. Why? Because he will either change and love this new attitude or it will frustrate the heck out of him to where eventually perhaps you do need to divorce. However, that would be months if not years down the road... after you have completed your AOS.

Don't get me wrong, it's not fair that you would have to in a nutshell serve as his slave for months or even a few years, but it is the one way that you could actually get everything you ever wanted. Custody, Immigration rights etc... or even perhaps a lifetime full of love. I say that because people change. Give it a chance. Unfortunately, while it seems as though you are the one with a great heart, etc. you are going to have to learn to accept his ways for a period of time... all of his ways or the alternative will turn out bad for you.

You really have no evidence for a VAWA claim, a few tape recordings of some disagreements aren't going to do a whole heck of a lot, you have no money for counsel (do you really want free counsel represnting you?), and you can't even imagine the stress you will go through once you start down that path... especially since it will be an all or nothing for you. I.e. You get your kid and a greencard or you lose your right to stay in the US and most likely your child as he will fight for the child to stay here. It hurts, but I just didn't see any mention of any sort of abuse until after you knew about another woman.

My advice... ask him about the other woman, talk about her with him, find out how long it's been going on, if he cares for her, etc (do all of those things in a very caring way). Let him know how much you love him and that you don't want it to tear your relationship apart. Let him know that you married him, so you will stand by his side through the tough times and that we'll get through it.... I'd even go as far as stating that you can accept that you guys have been together for 4 years and maybe he's not really sure what he wants so you will give him his space and let him see where the relationship goes with the other woman. This sounds foolish, but truth be told... in the long run you win regardless of what happens. If you file a false VAWA or even a valid VAWA claim nothing is guaranteed. Think about it.

I understand that it seems like I made up the abuse just as a possible way out but I can assure you there has been abuse all along. If VJ member nane1104 would like to testify to that it would be helpful - I wrote to her in a private message that my husband mentally and verbally abuses me before there was any mention of another woman (if you look at the dates). I also wrote I didn't want to mention that in the thread because I found it to be too personal. Nadine you can post my message to you in this thread to show that I am not making the abuse up. But now that push has come to shove I figured it didn't seem that personal anymore and that I needed to say it "out loud". I would never make a false VAWA claim but yes, it will be difficult to prove the abuse.

I live in Texas, so I am able to record my husband abusing me verbally (and mentally). And I will, if nothing else then for a psychologist or psychiatrist to be able to get an idea of what he's like. Remember I wanted to get him to go to therapy? That was my intention before all this.

You know what? You're absolutely right. Your advice is probably the best yet. It would be best to work things out with him in the long run. I am willing to but I am hurt and confused and stressed out and I need to get myself together first. I don't want a war with my husband, I don't want messy legal proceedings... all I wanted was for the three of us to be together. I don't know what he wants. I need to have a serious talk with him.

Thank you for this. I think it's a very wise way of looking at my situation.

[bbubble 0]

To answer everyone else:

No, I did not have to bring a letter to the US. No questions were asked other than what is standard.

If I divorce immediately I may be denied AOS and sent back home without my son. I'd rather try to work things out. But I need to see what's going on with my husband. It takes two to tango.

Yes my husband signed the birth certificate.

Yes I will contact the Australian Embassy in Texas if things don't play out well with working things out with my husband. Having the Aussie Embassy as support is a good idea.

I am not willing to accuse my husband of immigration fraud but I don't know what his true intentions are. I need to speak with him and see what is happening. I have spoken to a couple of psychologists about him and about our situation and I have been told that from what I've disclosed he has serious issues. However, it is unfortunately not possible to force someone to go to therapy or even an assessment - which would help me out so much because I'd have it on paper signed by a professional that my husband is abusive to me. But it takes a real psycho for a court order to make them seek help. So unless he agrees to go on his own, I can't really do anything about it.

[Aloe 10]

Have you spoken to psychologists as a client of theirs or just as "friendly advice"? If you have had a professional relationship with at least one of them would the records have any mention of the abuse and the troubles you are having with your husband? I know it is not really the option you want to pursue but even if you decide to try and work this out you need to make a trail of EVERYTHING so that if push comes to shove you have evidence to back you up.

[nane1104 146]

I can testify to what she said about the abuse claims. The OP and I have been sending PMs back and forth for a while and she told me about her husbands abusive behavior a long time ago. That was at a time when she didn't know about the other woman and still believed there could be ways to work on the relationship.

I mentioned VAWA as her only option to remain in the US IF there was abuse involved, already knowing that there was because I a) didn't want to say that there was abuse if she didn't want to have it mentioned and b) so others could advise about VAWA as I am not familiar with it.

I apologize if my post about VAWA and the OPs statements about the abuse after I had mentioned it made it look like she would be trying to claim abuse when there is none.

[Ready to do it 101]

Fair enough. I assumed there were abuses, I just didn't hear about them which made me question if that was even an option.

OP- I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and know your options. I too agree that you should tape record the abuse, you should get it documented with a professional that the abuse is occuring, and you should work on your relationship. Keep the #1 goal in your mind.... get through this working it out with your husband. Hopefully you can get through this and have a happy and longlasting relationship. As time passes, and if you don't think that is going to happen, keep your mind on what needs to occur short-term. If the abuse becomes unbearable then I'm afraid you would have to go the VAWA route, but I still think that should be your last resort as it just will make things so difficult and stressful for you and in the end it just might not work out. Protect yourself, stay safe, and hope for the best. I know you will be in a lot of folks prayers as this is really a difficult situation for you and you seem like an outstanding woman. I really am sorry this is happening to you. Chin up and keep us informed.

[Nina~ 431]

There might be legal implications for the OP is she secretly records conversations without her husband prior knowledge or consent. Might want to read up on this first.

http://www.rcfp.org/taping/states/texas.html

[VanessaTony 3,567]

There might be legal implications for the OP is she secretly records conversations without her husband prior knowledge or consent. Might want to read up on this first.

http://www.rcfp.org/taping/states/texas.html

No there's no legal issues.

If you read the link you posted it says that at least one of the parties of the recording must have consented (either by allowing someone else to tape it or taping it themselves). There's no criminal issue here... well not in the sense I believe they mean criminal in a "taping illegal activity" type way. There's no tortious issue because she's not trying to blackmail him or gain any other monetary gain.

I'm just so sorry you're in this situation. It really truly sucks.

[TracyTN 237]

As an FYI, Catholic Charities provides immigration legal advice at little to no cost. Google it to find one in your area.

[bbubble 0]

Well, it's been a while since I was on here. I have spoken to my husband about working things out and he's been hesitant at best. He refuses to go to counseling claiming there's nothing wrong with him. I have tried to explain that it would be "couples therapy" where we'd both go and get some assistance and guidance on how to communicate better and ultimately salvage our relationship. He also brings up that we cannot afford it. Is there any way we can get counseling for free?

I have found an immigration attorney but I have yet to schedule a consultation. I am afraid that we may not be able to save this marriage if my husband doesn't agree to counseling. We have sent in the paperwork for the AOS but still no word. I am aware it will take time for my AOS to get processed and I am anxious - what if my marriage dissolves before approval?

We did enter the marriage in good faith but I don't have much to prove that with - we have a joint bank account and a child together but because I am not working [i'm a stay-at-home mum and no work permit yet] there's no logic in putting the utility bills in both our names. As for car insurance, my husband's car is his own, I will surely get a car once I am able to. Also we have not taken any pictures together because my husband works all day and is exhausted when he gets home and I am exhausted from taking care of our baby all night and day and we're simply not in the mood to take pictures. He have barely snapped a few of our son. But will USCIS understand that?

I want more than anything to save this marriage. But it takes two to tango, as they say. I've started making friends and have become very close with the in-laws and I feel like I've started to build a life here. Needless to say I am overwhelmed by all this and I just need some advice.

As an FYI, Catholic Charities provides immigration legal advice at little to no cost. Google it to find one in your area.

Thank you

Edited August 21, 2011 by bbubble

[bbubble 0]

Fair enough. I assumed there were abuses, I just didn't hear about them which made me question if that was even an option.

OP- I think you have a very good head on your shoulders and know your options. I too agree that you should tape record the abuse, you should get it documented with a professional that the abuse is occuring, and you should work on your relationship. Keep the #1 goal in your mind.... get through this working it out with your husband. Hopefully you can get through this and have a happy and longlasting relationship. As time passes, and if you don't think that is going to happen, keep your mind on what needs to occur short-term. If the abuse becomes unbearable then I'm afraid you would have to go the VAWA route, but I still think that should be your last resort as it just will make things so difficult and stressful for you and in the end it just might not work out. Protect yourself, stay safe, and hope for the best. I know you will be in a lot of folks prayers as this is really a difficult situation for you and you seem like an outstanding woman. I really am sorry this is happening to you. Chin up and keep us informed.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support <3 I am trying my best.

[rlogan 2,036]

He refuses to go to counseling claiming there's nothing wrong with him.

He refuses to go to counseling like all of these types do because that removes all of their power to be unreasonable. A counselor is an impartial referee and will call him on all the abusive behavior.

Who wants to remove their power to terrorize people with verbal and physical abuse? Talk about dumb! Let alone being able to play dumb, use selective memory, selective attention, and all. The problem is YOU. Trying to take these from me. These are my sovereign powers.

[bbubble 0]

He refuses to go to counseling like all of these types do because that removes all of their power to be unreasonable. A counselor is an impartial referee and will call him on all the abusive behavior.

Who wants to remove their power to terrorize people with verbal and physical abuse? Talk about dumb! Let alone being able to play dumb, use selective memory, selective attention, and all. The problem is YOU. Trying to take these from me. These are my sovereign powers.

I think you're spot on, absolutely right

[bigdog 376]

Okay so here's the situation: I arrived to the US on a K1 visa and married my fiance within 90 days. We are currently filling out the forms for the AOS and EAD, etc so I have yet to obtain a (conditional)GC. I am not sure what that makes me - I am no longer a K1 fiance nor am I a USC - I am married to an American. Is my status simply "foreign citizen" for now?

Anyway my spouse and I have been having marital problems ever since I arrived. We also have a small child together. Things get heated between us a lot. We fight all the time. We don't agree on almost anything. The tension gets so bad you can cut it with a knife. We are thinking of getting separate living quarters because we just can't seem to work it out, and we feel we need some time apart, and also for the sake of our child. Perhaps it's the pressure of a long-distance relationship that has finally taken its toll. We are worried that separating like that will be a violation of the K1 even though we would still be legally married. Does anyone have any information about this sort of thing?

You are not an un person, you are here by approval of the attorney general until GC is approved. This whole process is very stressful, take a breath, see of you can find a common goal.

[SimranS 9]

You have plenty of rights - most of the same rights that US citizens have. You just don't have a right to remain in the US. Immigration is a privilege.

Entering a marriage for reasons other than love is not generally a crime in the US. Entering a marriage primarily to evade immigration law IS illegal, however. A US citizen can be imprisoned for up to five years and fined up to $250,000 for this. It would be extremely unusual for the US government to find that a US citizen was guilty of this and the alien was not. In fact, I can't recall this ever happening. Are you prepared to accuse your husband of immigration fraud and simultaneously claim that you weren't in on it?

You might have a chance with the abuse claim, but you need proof. Be extremely cautious of making any recordings. Most states have a "one party consent" law, which means only one party in a conversation must be aware that the conversation is being recorded. However, there are twelve states that have an "all party consent" law, which means all parties in the conversation must be aware that the conversation is being recorded. These states are California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington. If you live in one of these states then do NOT record any conversations without your husband's consent.

You should try to get at least one person to witness the abuse. It should be someone who is willing to sign a sworn affidavit. The more witnesses you have, the better it will be.

Emotional and verbal abuse isn't as obviously damaging as physical abuse, so you'd probably need a qualified psychiatrist or psychologist who could provide evidence on your behalf.

Don't proceed with the divorce until you've consulted with an immigration lawyer. If you decide to pursue adjustment of status by claiming abuse then you either want to still be married, or you'll need to prove that the claimed abuse was the primary reason for the divorce. This can be difficult if you happen to live in a "no fault" divorce state.

Hi Jim,

Could you please provide one or more actual examples or cases where a woman was deported without her USC infant , JUST for being out of status, when she never had any criminal charges against her?