Married my fiance but having marital problems

[menina 50]

I just want to offer some support in your difficult situation. I understand how stressful this whole process is. When my husband arrived in the US, he had a really hard time adjusting. I was really stressed about getting the AOS paperwork done, so I was grumpy too. It put a lot of pressure on our marriage, but we worked things out. I can imagine that your husband getting used to being married, suddenly having a small child in the house, and trying to worry about AOS is a lot to deal with. It is not unusual for these stressful situations to cause marital problems. If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, go without him. If fiances are an issue, check into Catholic Charities or some place in your city that offers a sliding scale for payments. Even without him present, you can learn how to manage the situation better which will help him relax some as well. Things will get better. It just takes some time. You are both dealing with a lot right now, but you have been together for a long time, and you can survive this phase as well. Best wishes for you!

[bbubble 0]

I didn't mean to accuse you of anything; I'm sorry. I was just trying to point out that your plan of staying together for two years for immigration and having fake bills in both names in order to appear to be living together is not a good plan. That will cause you more trouble than being honest.

Regarding the two years thing, if you choose to divorce (not saying you will, just telling you the law) then you can apply to remove the conditions on your Greencard by yourself by showing you entered the marriage in good faith. Don't just stay married on paper to please immigration because it will backfire.

Sure, all people go through rough times, and it takes a lot to move to a new country. I do have sympathy for your situation and hope that everything calms down for you and becomes the dream you imagined. Good luck.

It's okay, I understand where you're coming from as well. There is no "plan" of staying together for only two years and having fake bills - we want to work it out eventually and have a normal, happy married life. I'm just referring to the current circumstances, we really feel the need for some space right now, that's all. The whole idea of separate living quarters is temporary. I always think that honesty is the best policy, so I figure we may just as well simply be straightforward with Immigration and tell them our situation. I was just afraid that we would be breaking the law and that's obviously something we do not want to do. As far as divorce goes, we want to avoid it at all costs of course, but if things don't get better in time and after counseling then that may unfortunately be the only option we have. I tend to think way in advance and I'd be lying if I said that it never crossed my mind as a possibility. I sincerely hope that it will never get to that, we have both sacrificed so much and been through such hardship in order to be together that I know we won't give up easily. I feel like we have a long road ahead and after coming off a long road just recently it's just really hard . But it will get better I am sure, we just need time that's all.

Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

[bbubble 0]

I just want to offer some support in your difficult situation. I understand how stressful this whole process is. When my husband arrived in the US, he had a really hard time adjusting. I was really stressed about getting the AOS paperwork done, so I was grumpy too. It put a lot of pressure on our marriage, but we worked things out. I can imagine that your husband getting used to being married, suddenly having a small child in the house, and trying to worry about AOS is a lot to deal with. It is not unusual for these stressful situations to cause marital problems. If your husband is not willing to go to counseling, go without him. If fiances are an issue, check into Catholic Charities or some place in your city that offers a sliding scale for payments. Even without him present, you can learn how to manage the situation better which will help him relax some as well. Things will get better. It just takes some time. You are both dealing with a lot right now, but you have been together for a long time, and you can survive this phase as well. Best wishes for you!

Thank you so much, and thank you for the advice. I will definitely look into that. I never thought about going to counseling by myself, but that sounds like a good idea. I could coax my spouse into it over time. So glad we are not the only ones. Yes, there's a lot of pressure on my spouse as he is the sole provider for now and a child costs a lot of money, and so does all the USCIS paperwork. I am happy for you that you and your spouse managed to work things out I hope I will be able to as well, nothing would make me happier.

[Barbara J 115]

It's okay, I understand where you're coming from as well. There is no "plan" of staying together for only two years and having fake bills - we want to work it out eventually and have a normal, happy married life. I'm just referring to the current circumstances, we really feel the need for some space right now, that's all. The whole idea of separate living quarters is temporary. I always think that honesty is the best policy, so I figure we may just as well simply be straightforward with Immigration and tell them our situation. I was just afraid that we would be breaking the law and that's obviously something we do not want to do. As far as divorce goes, we want to avoid it at all costs of course, but if things don't get better in time and after counseling then that may unfortunately be the only option we have. I tend to think way in advance and I'd be lying if I said that it never crossed my mind as a possibility. I sincerely hope that it will never get to that, we have both sacrificed so much and been through such hardship in order to be together that I know we won't give up easily. I feel like we have a long road ahead and after coming off a long road just recently it's just really hard . But it will get better I am sure, we just need time that's all.

Thank you for your kind words, they are much appreciated.

Honestly if things are the way they are then I know it is advisable to AOS as soon as possible but you have only been her 2 months so why not leave AOS for a bit and concentrate on getting you two on track. There is no time limit to AOS but I know it says to do it before I-94 expires but if you don't have to work and you are a home mum taking care of baby then may just maybe you both need that time to work on the family unit and why you came together originally. Just a thought is all but you need to take care of you first and if counseling is a help then by all means get some. Take care ok

[nane1104 146]

I can testify to the above. The first year of our marriage was rocky at times too, specially the first few months were difficult for me. OP, believe me, I sometimes wanted a "breather" so bad sometimes, but then, that doesn't really solve any problems, right?

Give yourself and your husband some time to adjust, afterall, it's a huge change for all of you, no matter how much you love each other and waited to be together.

I wish you guys all the best!!!

My AOS took a long time but I had my EAD within 3 months and my AP within only a few weeks. Hang in there, if you both want the marriage to work, you will find a way to do it, don't give up just now!!

[96accord 3]

I think that you if you used your husband as a bridge to come to the US you need to be honest with him so he can let you go with minimal pain. Using someone for that purpose is mean and selfish. However you are here now, therefore tell him the truth so he can move on as opposed to being continually used by you.

Edited August 2, 2011 by 96accord

[nane1104 146]

I think that you if you used your husband as a bridge to come to the US you need to be honest with him so he can let you go with minimal pain. Using someone for that purpose is mean and selfish. However you are here now, therefore tell him the truth so he can move on as opposed to being continually used by you.

Have you actually read this thread? On what do you base your fraud allegations?

Not every topic in this forum is about fraud and abuse, sometimes people are just hitting a rough patch in their marriage, some at more or less "convenient" times in their immigration process.

[rlogan 2,036]

It is also people's right to marry to improve their future and provide better opportunity and health for their children, not just because it is the most romantic or sexually explosive relationship they could possibly have. I had a friend who married for security. He definitly achieved his priority. He told me that he did not love his wife when he married her, but he learned to. I don't condemn him for that - he accomplished what he set out to do, and it's a pretty rational approach. I don't think they fought so much as just not having the intimate side a lot of us do. On the other hand there are fiery relationships where they are either at each other's throats or having make-up sex. Good Lord my first introduction to a Filipina was the wife of a truly hideous man. Wealthy, but a beast of the first order. I can't believe she hasn't murdered him. But instead she knocks herself out for him. He never had a girlfriend of consequence until his marriage to her in his mid-50's, and there was a reason for that. Nobody deserves the kind of treatment he dishes out.

We don't really have any information on what is by far the longest period of the relationship - just a couple of months or so at the end of four years. I don't know enough.

Regardless, it seems to me the truth is the best thing to present to the interviewing officer for Adjustment of Status. Our officer never asked us how we were getting along, come to think of it. She asked if I was the father of the child. For some reason there was no marriage certificate in the file, so we had to go get a copy we kept just in case in the car. She asked us to go ahead and show her whatever else we wanted to give her like joint titles to things and electric, phone, etc. and she took from that what she wanted. But she did not probe us for whether we fought. It was pretty obvious we were very intimately in love, so maybe that makes a difference.

Edited August 2, 2011 by rlogan

[TBoneTX 46,117]

Babies/small children can make strong marriages stronger and can stress other marriages, if for no other reason than you don't sleep for the first three years.

[bbubble 0]

Thank you Barbara J and nane for your support.

96accord - You have some nerve. I don't feel I need to justify myself to you.

Some people will understand, others will not. There is nothing I can do about that.

rlogan - We will tell the Immigration officer our situation. We have nothing to hide. For the record, I left behind a great life in Australia, it's not like I had to get out of my country in order to better my life. I left my country to marry my love, the father of my child, and for us to be together. I don't see how that isn't clear. My only "goal" is for us to eventually work it out, and I am aware it will take time. My husband and I are both the kind of people who need our own space when things get messy. That's why we believe that separating for a time will benefit us greatly.

TBone - I am certain that the extreme sleep deprivation that comes with having an infant has definitely got A LOT to do with our situation. That's why I know it will get better. This won't last forever, it's just for now.

I guess the biggest reason for all of this is just the timing - all these huge changes all at the same time...I am a first-time mother.. I am still recovering from childbirth (surgery) and even pregnancy, both physically and emotionally. So it's been a very grueling and emotionally demanding time, regardless of leaving my amazing life and friends and family, not to mention most of my possessions as well. I apologize if I'm getting too emotional or personal, it's just that when I think of being accused of using my husband after all that I've been through to come to the USA it makes me so indignant

It will be okay, even if things get worse (separation) before they get better.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Thank you Barbara J and nane for your support.

96accord - You have some nerve. I don't feel I need to justify myself to you.

Some people will understand, others will not. There is nothing I can do about that.

rlogan - We will tell the Immigration officer our situation. We have nothing to hide. For the record, I left behind a great life in Australia, it's not like I had to get out of my country in order to better my life. I left my country to marry my love, the father of my child, and for us to be together. I don't see how that isn't clear. My only "goal" is for us to eventually work it out, and I am aware it will take time. My husband and I are both the kind of people who need our own space when things get messy. That's why we believe that separating for a time will benefit us greatly.

TBone - I am certain that the extreme sleep deprivation that comes with having an infant has definitely got A LOT to do with our situation. That's why I know it will get better. This won't last forever, it's just for now.

I guess the biggest reason for all of this is just the timing - all these huge changes all at the same time...I am a first-time mother.. I am still recovering from childbirth (surgery) and even pregnancy, both physically and emotionally. So it's been a very grueling and emotionally demanding time, regardless of leaving my amazing life and friends and family, not to mention most of my possessions as well. I apologize if I'm getting too emotional or personal, it's just that when I think of being accused of using my husband after all that I've been through to come to the USA it makes me so indignant

It will be okay, even if things get worse (separation) before they get better.

Living apart, admitting you're separated won't go well. I personally advise you to hold off either separating, or filing AOS.

That said though... leaving home was stressful. Let along being unable to drive, work or basically leave the house so I understand why you wouldn't want to delay AOS.. it's something you can control to feel normal again.

The problem is, separating USUALLY means divorce... that's what USCIS will probably think and that means you're not eligible for the GC. Living apart won't help you deal with the situation. This is stressful and separating might sound like a good idea but I don't think it is... not if your ultimate goal is to stay together. Sleep in separate beds maybe so there's less sleep deprivation (for at least one of you). Have a family member or friend come over and help you out. Go on "date nights" with your husband without the stress of the baby. See if a friend or family member will babysit overnight so that you can get a proper nights sleep and have a date night with your husband to relax.

Obviously up to you but being apart again, especially with the baby to look after I think will help breed bitterness.. that you came here and aren't even living together, that you're the one looking after the baby, that you status is at risk.. etc etc, that and the distance and moving on without each other is more likely to happen.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

p.s. A lot of people would think you're only after the GC because you don't have a flag up and so they can't judge you based on county. Knowing you're Australian though it makes it easy to accept that it is a love relationship because, I certainly didn't "run away" from Australia like some people I meet here seem to think i did.. esp when asking me how LUCKY I feel being here now :S

Edited August 5, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[bbubble 0]

Living apart, admitting you're separated won't go well. I personally advise you to hold off either separating, or filing AOS.

That said though... leaving home was stressful. Let along being unable to drive, work or basically leave the house so I understand why you wouldn't want to delay AOS.. it's something you can control to feel normal again.

The problem is, separating USUALLY means divorce... that's what USCIS will probably think and that means you're not eligible for the GC. Living apart won't help you deal with the situation. This is stressful and separating might sound like a good idea but I don't think it is... not if your ultimate goal is to stay together. Sleep in separate beds maybe so there's less sleep deprivation (for at least one of you). Have a family member or friend come over and help you out. Go on "date nights" with your husband without the stress of the baby. See if a friend or family member will babysit overnight so that you can get a proper nights sleep and have a date night with your husband to relax.

Obviously up to you but being apart again, especially with the baby to look after I think will help breed bitterness.. that you came here and aren't even living together, that you're the one looking after the baby, that you status is at risk.. etc etc, that and the distance and moving on without each other is more likely to happen.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

p.s. A lot of people would think you're only after the GC because you don't have a flag up and so they can't judge you based on county. Knowing you're Australian though it makes it easy to accept that it is a love relationship because, I certainly didn't "run away" from Australia like some people I meet here seem to think i did.. esp when asking me how LUCKY I feel being here now :S

I know it's not the perfect situation.. but I'd rather tell the truth and say we want to separate than lie. But then again, you're right - USCIS will think that I am not deserving of a GC. I think we will just put off the separation. Perhaps it won't happen at all, I just want to make sure that it's okay if it does happen. That's the whole reason I wrote that first post.

I sleep in the baby's room with the baby because I get up every few hours to feed him and my husband needs his rest uninterrupted because he has to work. My husband's refusal to go to therapy is our biggest enemy. I didn't put up a flag or any info because I was anxious to have some light shed on my situation and didn't focus on my profile, but I have nothing to hide about where I am from. I think that it's sort of obvious from my "good English" that I'm not from a non-English speaking country? Anyway thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

[rlogan 2,036]

My husband's refusal to go to therapy is our biggest enemy.

You got that right. If he was willing to study some good books and articles that would be OK too. There are good counselors and there are bad ones. Some might just be a bad match for you but are great for someone else. But he has to man up and make an effort.

My wife slept with the babies too. But we live in a small cabin so I was the beneficiary of a somewhat reduced volume, and not peace that's for sure. Babies can be nerve-wracking and it is bad enough when you have the whole support system of extended family to give you a break now and then or do other things that let you focus on the baby. There are wonderful moments too, wow - greatest thing of my life so far. So I hope that carries you through.

If I were a USCIS interviewer and I saw there was both a separation and a refusal of the husband to put forth any effort to reconcile insofar as counseling or at the very least reaching out for books and tapes or whatever then it would be a slam-dunk on no genuine relationship existing. Because it takes two.

[bbubble 0]

You got that right. If he was willing to study some good books and articles that would be OK too. There are good counselors and there are bad ones. Some might just be a bad match for you but are great for someone else. But he has to man up and make an effort.

My wife slept with the babies too. But we live in a small cabin so I was the beneficiary of a somewhat reduced volume, and not peace that's for sure. Babies can be nerve-wracking and it is bad enough when you have the whole support system of extended family to give you a break now and then or do other things that let you focus on the baby. There are wonderful moments too, wow - greatest thing of my life so far. So I hope that carries you through.

If I were a USCIS interviewer and I saw there was both a separation and a refusal of the husband to put forth any effort to reconcile insofar as counseling or at the very least reaching out for books and tapes or whatever then it would be a slam-dunk on no genuine relationship existing. Because it takes two.

He has issues with talking about his problems, and a severely hard time opening up at all. It's a hurdle we need to overcome in order to repair our marriage. It the kind of thing that takes time. Thank you, i appreciate the support.

[bbubble 0]

Turns out there's another woman. Where does that leave me and what happens to him?