Is It Paranoia? Advice pls...

[Shirley Ann 6]

I hate to say it but sometimes it seems like she's not happy about coming here and I can't let her come here if that's how she feels, but anytime I bring it up, it's the same excuse, "she says I should think about what she's giving up to move to the US and that should answer my question"

Maybe as the time to make this huge move gets closer she is simply appreciating and in her own way saying farewell to all she has known in her life so far. Not everyone who makes a move to the U.S.A to be with the one they love and want to share the rest of their life with has ill feelings toward their home country. Many have hardships of one kind or another that over shadows leaving everything familiar behind. She may be simply going through her internal adjustment to leaving family and friends. There are huge adjustments for her to make and she is no doubt having some fears too. That doesn't mean she wants to change her mind.

I live in Canada and had no intention of ever leaving my homeland, friends and family before I met my fiance. Things change when you love someone enough to want to spend the rest of your life with them and so we alter our previous thinking about making such a major change. Even though we know we can and will come back to visit, we are leaving everything we know and are familiar with behind. We are fortunate that there are so many similarities in our cultures that the adjustment should be very smooth. Your fiance isn't as lucky and has much further to travel to visit family etc. I can understand totally what she may be going through within herself and perhaps not quite able to explain it to you. Open dialogue and a loving, supportive fiance will be a huge help for her I think.

My fiance (Randy) has been so supportive and understanding that it's made this whole process much easier. We have long talks about what I will leave behind, how he would feel having to be the one to do it, as well as the happiness we will have once we are able to start the next phase of our lives together.

It takes a lot of trust an faith in each other and in the rightness of the relationship. Talk, talk and more talk.. open and honest communication, love and understanding.

Try to reassure her of your commitment to make sure she can visit her homeland as often as possible. Be patient with her feelings as she gets closer to the move date. I'm sure if you know and love each other enough to have made it this far then together you can work through the many adjustments that still lie ahead for you both.

I wish you the best of luck, and much success with whatever you decide but don't give up if you believe in the love you share! That's my advice anyway.

[tonylovesam 8]

I think that's normal. She's actually at the state wherein the first task of marriage is concerned, separating from the family of origin. Well, she must establish an independent stance and be able to rely on her own moral judgement and her own ability to make choices.

[HopeFaithLove 13]

When I first met my now fiance, she always commented on how she had no reason to ever leave the Philippines, that she was content and never truly wanted to leave. Now that it's about less than a month and it'll be time for her to get on the plane, but for some reason, those words she had said before are coming back into my mind. Maybe it's just the fact that the day is finally here, I don't know and if anyone can give me any advice and perhaps make me feel better or what not, that'd be much appreciated. Thank you! (I'm in the US, she's 24 and I'm about a lil over 6 yrs older than her. not sure if that helps get a better grasp of the situation.)

Hi there ! I read your concerns and I think it is just normal. I remember before when me and my Fiance were just started to talk (way back in 2008), that's exactly the same reason I told him, that I'm not interested to leave my country as I do have a very good and stable job here. Majority wants to go for visit or maybe live in the US, but, at that time I was just thinking, what will I do in US ? -- thinking I might not have the kind of job and life that I am enjoying here. Then, after 2 years of continued exchanging communications, my now Fiance came to visit the Philippines and met me and my family for real. He did 2 trips -- and I just found out that we really love each other. My heart goes with him to the US. We want to stay and live here in the Philippines, but, just that at this time he is not retirable yet. It will take some more years waiting to start our lives together, if we decide to live here. So, we then started with our K1 journey and now on interview stage.

Honestly, until now, I'm still quite nervous of my decision to live in the US, not that I'm in doubt of my Fiance, nor that I'm not sure of my feelings, but, because of the good job and other benefits that I have here -- that I will have to give up. I'm also thinking of my being very independent financially, this is one reason I feel quite nervous, as I don't want to give financial burden to my Fiance. I don't ask money from him, though, I know, if in case I really need to (emergency cases), he would definitely help me. I know he has a good heart. With this, I just keep myself very positive, looking forward to have a good job as well in the USA. I miss my love and I want to be with him and start our lives together -- though we really talk a lot almost everyday. In fact, one reason I delayed my interview after getting NOA2 because I still have lots of things to do at work - not ready to leave yet. And, I just wanna give time for myself -- no rush ! I always think, if this is really what God wants for me - then, surely, it will happen. So, I am praying and trusting it all to God -- I'm sure, God will make a way.

So, I think your fiancee, feels same way with me. Just try to understand and as what other posters said, "communication is the key".... talk to her in a nice way ! and if possible, stop thinking negatively. Pray to God -- He knows the desires of your heart. God bless !

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

Sometimes our instinct is right. Just wondering, why will she even start a long distance relationship if she doesn't want to move to where her love one is? You still have not answered me tho..did she tell you what is it that holding her to be there with you. Do you talk regular? Do you see her around the house? Skype is good way to make distance closer and including each of you in each others life..plus it allows you to know the person better. I hate to say this but really this happens to one person I know. She was petitioned in a k1 visa, went at the states. after a year she came back and never went back with her husband only to find out she just wanna see the states and lavish the material things she get during the span of the relationship. She went back and is now living in with her bf. I don't pray this happen to you or anyone. but I think you really have to reevaluate things and your relationship. Place your mind above your heart and don't be blinded by love. Sometimes love sees things in the wrong perspective.

I will did come out and ask her last night if she feels obligated and she said no and we really talked and it seemed really positive. She said that she doesn't feel obligated, its just the fact of leaving everything and everyone behind she's grown to know as normal and she said she doesn't know anyone here except for my family and me. I told her as soon as she gets here, we're gonna try to get everyone I know for a get together before we get married and just hang out so she feels more comfortable around them and knows them and makes friends hopefully. Then I started seeing the tears start flowing and I almost wanted to breakdown too. I never wanted to bring her to tears or tear her away from her family. I never actually thought it through on what she'd actually have to go through. I love her with all of my heart. I just hope her homesickness doesn't keep her from enjoying life with me here in the states.... any thoughts now on the situation?

[HopeFaithLove 13]

I hate to say it but sometimes it seems like she's not happy about coming here and I can't let her come here if that's how she feels, but anytime I bring it up, it's the same excuse, "she says I should think about what she's giving up to move to the US and that should answer my question"

I think what she means here -- "you need to think of all the things she is giving up" - family, job, nice friends, nice culture, comforts, etc..., just to move to the US -- I guess she loves you -- So, I suggest, don't keep asking her, its becoming annoying perhaps -- obviously, she agreed to the K1 process -- Just be positive and try to be more understanding and supportive. Not all Filipina are so excited to relocate especially if you have a decent, comfortable and happy life here -- its about "true love", but, of course -- its not 100% in all cases. Keep positive !

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

I think she'll be okay once she gets on that plane.. The actually "saying goodbye" part is probably really bothering her right now.

Sorry for the multiple posts! I keep adding my thoughts.. It's really because I think I know how she feels! I hope I'm right!

maybe you should talk to her, lol Might not be that bad of an idea, to actually be able to talk to someone such as you and how ur situation was, is very close to how hers is now. You think it'd help her anything to talk to fellow filipinas about what she's going through?

[HopeFaithLove 13]

I will did come out and ask her last night if she feels obligated and she said no and we really talked and it seemed really positive. She said that she doesn't feel obligated, its just the fact of leaving everything and everyone behind she's grown to know as normal and she said she doesn't know anyone here except for my family and me. I told her as soon as she gets here, we're gonna try to get everyone I know for a get together before we get married and just hang out so she feels more comfortable around them and knows them and makes friends hopefully. Then I started seeing the tears start flowing and I almost wanted to breakdown too. I never wanted to bring her to tears or tear her away from her family. I never actually thought it through on what she'd actually have to go through. I love her with all of my heart. I just hope her homesickness doesn't keep her from enjoying life with me here in the states.... any thoughts now on the situation?

I guess things are Ok. Its very normal especially if she lives comfortably and has a loving and close family relationship. I think the two of you will become a great couple -- Keep sweet and loving ! Always seek God in your marriage - and don't worry too much, the Lord knows best !

[mike42979 57]

I hate to say it but sometimes it seems like she's not happy about coming here and I can't let her come here if that's how she feels, but anytime I bring it up, it's the same excuse, "she says I should think about what she's giving up to move to the US and that should answer my question"

We are very similar, my Fiancee is 24 i am 32 and we have been together 1 year 4 months. She will have her interview on Sep 1st and shes sad to be leaving her family also but the one thing that she tells me is she will go anywhere to be with me. So my Fiancee feels the same as yours but you have to realize she will be about 26 hours and $2,000 away from her home. The only place she has ever known coming to a country whose culture is by far different. You are reading into too much i think, ask her if shes happy to be with you and if she wants to come to the U.S to be with you because thats whats important. My Fiancee doesnt want to come to the U.S because its the U.S she wants to come here because the U.S is where i am.

[jadepsds 0]

I understand how you feel. But you should also understand her. Our culture is different from yours. The intense support system that we have here. We get our strength from each other. Im sure she had a lot of fears thinking she will be alone in her new place. She will have a lot of adjustments to overcome. Leaving her family behind. Help her overcome these fears. Reassure her of your love and that family will still be there, that communication with the family will open. Talk to her.....Communications is very important!

Malen

[dindo and patty 20]

I will did come out and ask her last night if she feels obligated and she said no and we really talked and it seemed really positive. She said that she doesn't feel obligated, its just the fact of leaving everything and everyone behind she's grown to know as normal and she said she doesn't know anyone here except for my family and me. I told her as soon as she gets here, we're gonna try to get everyone I know for a get together before we get married and just hang out so she feels more comfortable around them and knows them and makes friends hopefully. Then I started seeing the tears start flowing and I almost wanted to breakdown too. I never wanted to bring her to tears or tear her away from her family. I never actually thought it through on what she'd actually have to go through. I love her with all of my heart. I just hope her homesickness doesn't keep her from enjoying life with me here in the states.... any thoughts now on the situation?

I think it is great that you two were able to talk about it. It seems you've unearthed the deep feelings of anxiety manifesting within her. She is torn

between the two worlds she knows of. On one hand, everything is familiar with her in the Philippines. On the other hand, everything will literally be

foreign to her in the US. It bodes well that you were able to discuss this and you showing her that you completely understand how she feels. You

also assured her that you will do everything in your power to ease her anxiety and her adjustment upon arriving in the US.

Patty is about to leave everything she has ever known, too. She mentioned that if possible at all, we can just live in the Philippines. Since it is not possible

right now, she is willing to give up everything she's known for us to be together no matter where it is. Though she feels sadness with leaving her

family, she is equally excited to start our life together.

I think the effect of leaving everything known to an individual varies. For some it maybe mildly traumatic and for some maybe more traumatic and

emotional. The important thing is showing that individual love, compassion, and support. And most importantly, prayers for guidance and support

from the one above.

I wish you both well!

[kev_n_jena 89]

I think what she is feeling is very natural and common for a person in her situation.

One thing that really helped my wife during the months leading up to her emigration was moving out of her aunts house. She got an apartment of her own for several months and lived by herself. She had a computer and internet in her apartment and we chatted 2 times per day. Once before I left for work in the morning and then when I got home. It was very similar to what it was like when she finally arrived.

When the interview day finally arrived I flew there to be by her side and flew to the US together. Leaving her family and country was difficult for sure, but I think the months of living on her own really helped her cope with it.

As far as getting ready in the states, I made friends with a phil/am couple close to me and introduced them to my then fiance. They became friends before Jena got here and actually met her in person in Phils on their vacation. Jena felt much more comfortable knowing another filipina was going to be close by when she arrived.

Soon after she arrived we went to church and also attended a phil/am picnic party where she met a lot of Filipinos. They were a big help! Especially one older couple that took an interest in Jena and actually gave her away at the wedding in place of her parents! We did the traditional cord, veil, and coins ceramony at the wedding too!

[Cmptrsdeal 76]

I don't know of any groups that would help her meet local filipinas here in Ohio. Any ideas on that? I just want to be prepared and I am greatful for all the support I've been given on VJ! God Bless You All!

[kev_n_jena 89]

I don't know of any groups that would help her meet local filipinas here in Ohio. Any ideas on that? I just want to be prepared and I am greatful for all the support I've been given on VJ! God Bless You All!

What area of Ohio? Are you near a city?

[VanessaTony 3,567]

I'm sorry as this may offend some people. When I hear that you were told in the beginning "I don't ever want to leave" that she only told you that because she thought that's what you wanted/needed to hear so you didn't think she was after you for a GC (when she probably chose you, at least in the beginning, because you were American).

It's obviously different in my situation because Australia rocks and life there wouldn't be that huge a change for him and vice-versa for me in the U.S. We weren't sure about starting a relationship because we weren't sure how long distance was going to go, we didn't discuss immediately moving over to one-another's country (I think we simply said either would be okay and that was it, a small discussion really). I think I remember saying we would cross that bridge if/when we got there. That sounds odd because obviously most relationships end up with people actually living together but he liked me and I liked him and we kept ourselves "exclusive" and got to know each other a lot more than a lot of couples do when they're together (and letting the physical etc get in the way) and THEN when we knew we wanted to be together forever we discussed who would go where.

That said though leaving home is a big deal. We're all aware of how expensive tickets are. How the time difference means you can't talk to family as easily. For me it was the lack of being able to text friends/family as easily as I did when I was home (obviously). She WILL be and feel alone in the beginning. Especially with you working. She won't know anything or any one. She will feel very lonely while you're gone and she'll start to feel homesick. Her strength of character matters because if she's the kind of person who can't be alone she will get VERY homesick and she'll want to leave. A lot of people suggest finding a local Filipino group, making sure you have the Filipino channel on TV (apparently there is one). Consider getting MagicJack for her family, or some other phone system so that she can easily (and cheaply) call home whenever she wants. I don't know when you're planning on getting married or filing AOS but you should also think about getting her a car and driving lessons. Most states won't let her get her licence until she has her GC but some will allow a learning permit if you get it early.

Also, and again I might get slammed for this, I hope you've discussed the financial situation. A lot of, but not all, Filipino women expect to send money and gifts home regularly. A lot of people either didn't discuss this, or didn't realise it would be as much or as often. Some couples only send "her" income home but then she doesn't contribute to the household bills etc and the man starts to get stressed out. Just a few ideas/thoughts.

Edited July 31, 2011 by Vanessa&Tony

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

I still am curious how you met. If you met online, especially an online dating service, then one would question why she was on there in the first place talking to an american man if she doesn't want to leave the Philippines. Talking about it isn't going to help if she's being forced into it from somewhere else.