Is It Paranoia? Advice pls...

[Habakkuk2vs3 3]

OP, please make sure you "clear the air" about this issue because if she keep saying "think about what i gave up to be here with you", every moment when an argument or an issue comes up, you will be reminded about how she was "doing so much better before coming here". Inquire about how much she really cares about you and tell her to weigh the love between you two vs. "what she is leaving behind".

I wish both of you good luck, try to be gentle when you are having this conversation with her because she seems very fragile and sensitive and this is a very delicate matter to her.

Once again good luck with the rest of the journey and your life together

[~happyndinlove~ 540]

This might increase your paranoia but... My wife and I observed one lady posting negative comments on FB...She was not happy about this and that....mostly, her complaints were concerning her "marriage". Other FBers came and asked questions...offered support..one particular comment caught our eye..."remember, you are doing this for your family". She responded to this comment with recognition and agreement. Later she posted on her wall..."don't judge me because if you were in my shoes you might have done the same or worse."....Wonder why she came here...

(Not trying to elude this is your situation...trying to motivate you to talk to your fiancee about it.)

A healthy relationship has healthy communication. It's a must! IMO, You should be discussing this with your fiancee. Thoroughly.

Edited July 29, 2011 by ~happyndinlove~

[one...two...tree 2,762]

This might increase your paranoia but... My wife and I observed one lady posting negative comments on FB...She was not happy about this and that....mostly, her complaints were concerning her "marriage". Other FBers came and asked questions...offered support..one particular comment caught our eye..."remember, you are doing this for your family". She responded to this comment with recognition and agreement. Later she posted on her wall..."don't judge me because if you were in my shoes you might have done the same or worse."....Wonder why she came here...

(Not trying to elude this is your situation...trying to motivate you to talk to your fiancee about it.)

A healthy relationship has healthy communication. It's a must! IMO, You should be discussing this with your fiancee. Thoroughly.

Lets be honest. A lot of Filipinas put themselves on the international dating block for reasons beyond simply looking for "true love" - whatever that entails. It's not like the Philippines has a shortage of available suitors. Accepting that reality if it applies to ones relationship will go a long way in smoothing the transition as she leaves her life behind for a new life with her future husband. And just because other reasons exist, doesn't necessarily make the marriage fraudulent, nor an excuse for the man to end it, particularly when those reasons are why he met her in the first place.

Edited July 29, 2011 by DFH

[Brit Abroad 166]

She doesn't seem at all excited, when I ask her why she isn't, she says I should think about what she's giving up to move to the US and that should answer my question. I'd think she'd be atleast somewhat excited, but yeah, hence why I feel so stressed. :-( I wish I knew if this is a natural feeling. I just need to understand so I can stay excited. Just seems so negative.

It's a perfectly natural feeling. How would you feel about leaving America to live in a foreign land for the rest of your life, knowing that your family and friends would be infrequent visitors, possibly never seeing some friends ever again. Adapting to new foods, new ways of government with it's own lengthy and different procedures in addition to getting to know new people and new places? Do you know how the taxation, driving licensing, social security and government work in the Philippines? Put yourself in her shoes. It can be very daunting. I speak as someone who lived in two countries before the age of 12, worked all over Britain and travelled extensively. It's not a small thing that your fiancee is about to do, so have some patience with her emotions. On the positive side, she is considering all this before she leaves rather than it coming as a crushing blow after she arrives and you being stunned at her unhappiness. You now have time to prepare yourself and find ways to make her transition a little easier.

Feeling the loss is something that nearly every immigrating spouse will feel at some stage. Allow her time to grieve the life she is leaving behind so she can pursue a future with you. Reassure her that you love her and know it can't and won't be easy for her, but that you will be by her side every step of the way until she adapts. That's all you can do, and probably all she will expect from you. Love demands some sacrifices along the way and she's already accepted that by choosing to marry you and move to a new country.

[MOandDB 4]

hi!

i'm sure your fiance loves you. but loving you won't keep her from being anxious and worried about leaving what she grew up in and what she's been used to for her entire life. filipinos are used to having their family around all the time, watching their back...as well as friends they can call when they need them. we're used to going out on a whim, long drives, cheap beaches, cheap drinks. we're used to work that isn't so stressful. some are also used to the maids who cook and clean and wash the clothes. maybe that's what she meant about things that she's going to give up.

you just have to talk to her about it...that you understand--you have to understand. --what she's feeling. the important thing is that you are there to support her and you are there for her the way her family and friends have always been there for her. of course, tell her how you feel as well, that you're feeling paranoid so she can clear things up with you.

anyway...good luck!!! chat with her later!

[Casprd 167]

Being excited to be with your future spouse and being excited to live in the US aren't the same thing. My wife wants us to be together, but living in the US wasn't her first choice. She didn't really think about it when we first started talking. When we got engaged we talked abotu the pro's and con's of living in the US vs living in China and it came down to money, but I know she isn't that eager to leave her home. As we get closer to the date I fully expect her to go through some mood swings and we'll deal with them at that time. The "you should think about what I am giving up here" comment is kind of worrisome. You need to talk to her about that and see if there is something more than just family and friends that she is giving up that you may not know about. Other than that, be supportive and understand that not everyone wants to move to the US but some do it because that is where their spouse is.

It's a perfectly natural feeling. How would you feel about leaving America to live in a foreign land for the rest of your life

to be honest, if I won the lottery tomorrow or even if I could work and make a decent wage overseas, I would be on the next plane and never look back. The world is a big place with lots left to see.

[Golden Gate 530]

I hate to say it but sometimes it seems like she's not happy about coming here and I can't let her come here if that's how she feels, but anytime I bring it up, it's the same excuse, "she says I should think about what she's giving up to move to the US and that should answer my question"

To me, it sounds like she wants you to empathize with how she is feeling and maybe she thinks you don't.

[nikihutchiga 1]

The decision to move to another country is a major one as you would have to resocialised in the culture , the laws and everything. I will be moving to the United States to be with my husband in a couple of months and I am very excited about starting our lives together. However I do have concerns about finding a job that I will equal opportunities for travel and exposure as I did in my own country. Moreover I will have to adjust my finances and other areas of my life so that may be a bit daunting for your fiance. Bear in mind she is not coming to the United States as your wife I certain she may be thinking what if he does not want marry me ? What what will happen to her ? She may have start over if she goes home so her fears are indeed justified

[jac_chappin 24]

OP-

It seems like she's not sure about coming which can be a problem when she gets here.

Most k-1 visas have a 6 month expiration so maybe the trip can be postpone until she's certain.

The one thing I've learned over time is that if a woman's heart is not in, it will never work so try talking to her about it.

[Jim N Augie 16]

It is possible she is trying to say " look at it from her viewpoint". Hard to be excited leaving everything you know. Just a guess, I dont know her but you do. Sometimes the language difference makes it hard to express "concepts". And theres a period of homesickness after she's here too probably. Does she have any family or cousins in the US? If not check your area for local filipina groups. It helps. Jim.

[Harpa Timsah 13,258]

How did you two meet? If you met on an online dating site, this would be weird behavior. If you met in person or some other way, then it's normal.

[Theresa0828 65]

I totally agree with messybrownhair... I was like that too... I do not want to be overwhelmed with my feelings of moving to the US... There are a lot of pressures and expectations for a filipina moving in the US or in other rich countries. And I think my apprehension if it will be a better life or I will stay to where I am already comfortable. But in the end, the longing to be with my fiance (now husband) won. I am still adjusting now... but even just a hug from my husband makes me feel worth it.

Also, before I left... I also went to places... like, i made sure I visit a tourist spot in the Philippines every month, and since I was working away from my family in the province... I went home like more than usual during our K-1 process, and my husband always ask me similar questions... and I said... I wanna go... I am just spending more time with them because I won't be going home for awhile...

I think its my way of cramming things I wanna do in the Philippines but haven't done since I was thinking that I can always plan it coz I am not going anywhere anyway... but since I am moving out, I crammed all the things I wanna do in that small span of time. Spent more time with friends, reconnect with old friends, even going home for a high school reunion and gatherings which I don't usually do. I think you can compare it with a groom in his last night of freedom thing... hahahaha....

I wish you goodluck, and if you are this sensetive to your wife to be... she is lucky coz she will have a great husband.

[magdasal 19]

When I first met my now fiance, she always commented on how she had no reason to ever leave the Philippines, that she was content and never truly wanted to leave. Now that it's about less than a month and it'll be time for her to get on the plane, but for some reason, those words she had said before are coming back into my mind. Maybe it's just the fact that the day is finally here, I don't know and if anyone can give me any advice and perhaps make me feel better or what not, that'd be much appreciated. Thank you! (I'm in the US, she's 24 and I'm about a lil over 6 yrs older than her. not sure if that helps get a better grasp of the situation.)

It does *almost* sound like an 'I'm doing you a big favor by going there and marrying you' viewpoint...which I would feel very uncomfortable about. I don't think this is just a cultural thing either...my wife is filipina and never hinted at anything like that.

As others have said, it sounds like she's trying to tell you something, but she really doesn't know how to say it. Not saying she doesn't love you, but that is doesn't ring completely right either. You definitely need to get to the bottom of her feelings about the entire thing.

[wizardfitz 13]

just out of curiosity, if this is something she said in the beginning, why go through all this knowing that? did she ever say she WOULD leave the PI? just thought it strange that one would proceed with the petition and go through the expense and time.....

[tonylovesam 8]

When I first met my now fiance, she always commented on how she had no reason to ever leave the Philippines, that she was content and never truly wanted to leave. Now that it's about less than a month and it'll be time for her to get on the plane, but for some reason, those words she had said before are coming back into my mind. Maybe it's just the fact that the day is finally here, I don't know and if anyone can give me any advice and perhaps make me feel better or what not, that'd be much appreciated. Thank you! (I'm in the US, she's 24 and I'm about a lil over 6 yrs older than her. not sure if that helps get a better grasp of the situation.)

She has now a reason to leave the Philippines... - it's YOU! to be with you for the rest of your lives.

Have a happy marriage!