Is this a typical LDR feeling :(

[abakada1234 0]

Hi VJ member from around the globe! - I hope all of you are fine. I am posting my concern here as an off topic because this seem to be an off topic..hehehe. Anyways, I am just wanna vent or rant and think this is the best place to get some great advice knowing that most of us here are in a LDR relationship.

Here something that is bugging me. i may just be seeing things wrong and so I thought that maybe I could get a better insight here. I had this very bad feeling that something is wrong. That maybe my fiancee had a change in feeling he just can't tell me. Why I feel like this? Well, we already got our NOA2 and I had been trying to organize the documents needed prior to the interview with the US embassy. In doing so,I have to make a checklist of whats needed. My feeling is that, he is not into it. If it is not me giving effort for the preparation, he wont do anything ( just my feeling . He will just do something if and when I tell him the documents I may need, but then he will complain of being so worked up from all this paper works. Well, before, I could really see his enthusiasm. I don't think I am seeing it on him this time. Because of that, I told myself, I better just go with the flow. It looks like I am just the only one after this visa thing which I don't see it nice on my end. He should know that it takes sometime for the document to reach my end. And he should also be working this out with me. I feel lazy now trying to organize it. I was so excited that finally the journey is about to end, happy and excited to be with him. I love my fiancee so much and it hurts seeing him loss that enthusiasm now that we are almost close to being together

[canadian_wife 1,829]

Have you had a very honest, real conversation with him about your feelings?

Give him a chance to talk to you about it. Until then you will just needlessly worry that something is terribly wrong - which in fact there is a good possibility he is just busy at work, stressed out, or just has too much on his plate right now. Discuss it with him and tell him how you are feeling

Good luck

[abakada1234 0]

Have you had a very honest, real conversation with him about your feelings?

Give him a chance to talk to you about it. Until then you will just needlessly worry that something is terribly wrong - which in fact there is a good possibility he is just busy at work, stressed out, or just has too much on his plate right now. Discuss it with him and tell him how you are feeling

Good luck

I am a person who is vocal or honest to what I feel. In a good way, but lesson I learned that honesty is not all good. It's like no matter what my intent in talking it will always come out that I am doing so just to argue or fight. Right now, he is really so stressed. And yes, a lot of things going on that makes his plate full. And that is one thing that makes me hesitate to tell him what I am feeling. I honestly don't want to stress him more. He is not an easy person to talk to unless you are someone who is so used in argument. which with me, I hate argument. I know people / couples will have differences in opinion or problems to resolve, but for me open communication and taking matter not in a personal level is a must. Talk about the problem and brainstorms for solution. I can accept negative opinions to myself coz I see it like a chance for me to be better. It is not the same with him. I love him and I have learned to love him even at his worst. The last time we talked tho, he told me that if he loss me its the end of his life. That he doesn't want to chose to be alone and rather just give up. Maybe it is just me tho. I am so excited and expect him to be the same and not even giving credit of what is going on with him.

[thongd4me 69]

I am a person who is vocal or honest to what I feel. In a good way, but lesson I learned that honesty is not all good. It's like no matter what my intent in talking it will always come out that I am doing so just to argue or fight. Right now, he is really so stressed. And yes, a lot of things going on that makes his plate full. And that is one thing that makes me hesitate to tell him what I am feeling. I honestly don't want to stress him more. He is not an easy person to talk to unless you are someone who is so used in argument. which with me, I hate argument. I know people / couples will have differences in opinion or problems to resolve, but for me open communication and taking matter not in a personal level is a must. Talk about the problem and brainstorms for solution. I can accept negative opinions to myself coz I see it like a chance for me to be better. It is not the same with him. I love him and I have learned to love him even at his worst. The last time we talked tho, he told me that if he loss me its the end of his life. That he doesn't want to chose to be alone and rather just give up. Maybe it is just me tho. I am so excited and expect him to be the same and not even giving credit of what is going on with him.

Hmmmm.....

In reading your comments I wanted to take a slightly different perspective.

I can see that you as the USC are female and your fiancé is male.

During our visa journey, I also felt that 90% of the "work" burden was on me,

because it was I that had to fill out all the forms and put them in the mail and

take the bulk of the responsibility for their accuracy and timeliness.

My fiancée did respond positively each time that I asked for documents and

information from her side, but in no way did she take the initiative, because

she was not the petitioner. If the process seems daunting or confusing I'm

sure it is even more so for him, because he is not as close to the details.

Traditionally, it's the male who takes the initiative in inter-gender relations,

yet due to the requirements of the visa journey that role is being switched

in your case.

Somehow I think that's what is getting to you, unless his underlying

attitude toward you has changed. If that's the case, it may have nothing

to do with the visa process and you'd better be prepared for a letdown.

Still, a heart-to-heart talk to get these feelings out in the open would be

in order. Nobody can tell you what's on his mind except him.

[Dean_De 61]

Hmmmm.....

In reading your comments I wanted to take a slightly different perspective.

I can see that you as the USC are female and your fiancé is male.

During our visa journey, I also felt that 90% of the "work" burden was on me,

because it was I that had to fill out all the forms and put them in the mail and

take the bulk of the responsibility for their accuracy and timeliness.

My fiancée did respond positively each time that I asked for documents and

information from her side, but in no way did she take the initiative, because

she was not the petitioner. If the process seems daunting or confusing I'm

sure it is even more so for him, because he is not as close to the details.

Traditionally, it's the male who takes the initiative in inter-gender relations,

yet due to the requirements of the visa journey that role is being switched

in your case.

Somehow I think that's what is getting to you, unless his underlying

attitude toward you has changed. If that's the case, it may have nothing

to do with the visa process and you'd better be prepared for a letdown.

Still, a heart-to-heart talk to get these feelings out in the open would be

in order. Nobody can tell you what's on his mind except him.

OPSSS I think I read it the other way here. The one who wrote is female, the beneficiary and the USC is a male

Edited July 27, 2011 by Dean_De

[abakada1234 0]

OPSSS I think I read it the other way here. The one who wrote is female, the beneficiary and the USC is a male

CORRECT!

[SMR 368]

Hi VJ member from around the globe! - I hope all of you are fine. I am posting my concern here as an off topic because this seem to be an off topic..hehehe. Anyways, I am just wanna vent or rant and think this is the best place to get some great advice knowing that most of us here are in a LDR relationship.

Here something that is bugging me. i may just be seeing things wrong and so I thought that maybe I could get a better insight here. I had this very bad feeling that something is wrong. That maybe my fiancee had a change in feeling he just can't tell me. Why I feel like this? Well, we already got our NOA2 and I had been trying to organize the documents needed prior to the interview with the US embassy. In doing so,I have to make a checklist of whats needed. My feeling is that, he is not into it. If it is not me giving effort for the preparation, he wont do anything ( just my feeling . He will just do something if and when I tell him the documents I may need, but then he will complain of being so worked up from all this paper works. Well, before, I could really see his enthusiasm. I don't think I am seeing it on him this time. Because of that, I told myself, I better just go with the flow. It looks like I am just the only one after this visa thing which I don't see it nice on my end. He should know that it takes sometime for the document to reach my end. And he should also be working this out with me. I feel lazy now trying to organize it. I was so excited that finally the journey is about to end, happy and excited to be with him. I love my fiancee so much and it hurts seeing him loss that enthusiasm now that we are almost close to being together

You're missing a close parenthesis. Your post won't compile.

[abakada1234 0]

You're missing a close parenthesis. Your post won't compile.

I am just new here but will appreciate a further clarification of the given statement. Do I have to do something here or forgot to do something to make the message posted? Sorry i really am not pretty much well rounded here. I just joined this forum

[abakada1234 0]

SORRY I WAS WRONG in addressing my petitioner as my fiancee. It should be FIANCE since he is a male. I am so sorry and would want to correct it!

[thongd4me 69]

SORRY I WAS WRONG in addressing my petitioner as my fiancee. It should be FIANCE since he is a male. I am so sorry and would want to correct it!

I picked up on that, but you said, " My feeling is that, he is not into it." - so you are worried that the USC is foot-dragging?

When I saw "pinay" I thought that you were a naturalized Philipina and were doing the petition for him. I stand corrected.

Enough said, I hope you two get to communicate on a better level before you both go through with something

that will be very hard to undo once it's done.

[one...two...tree 2,762]

I am a person who is vocal or honest to what I feel. In a good way, but lesson I learned that honesty is not all good. It's like no matter what my intent in talking it will always come out that I am doing so just to argue or fight. Right now, he is really so stressed. And yes, a lot of things going on that makes his plate full. And that is one thing that makes me hesitate to tell him what I am feeling. I honestly don't want to stress him more. He is not an easy person to talk to unless you are someone who is so used in argument. which with me, I hate argument. I know people / couples will have differences in opinion or problems to resolve, but for me open communication and taking matter not in a personal level is a must. Talk about the problem and brainstorms for solution. I can accept negative opinions to myself coz I see it like a chance for me to be better. It is not the same with him. I love him and I have learned to love him even at his worst. The last time we talked tho, he told me that if he loss me its the end of his life. That he doesn't want to chose to be alone and rather just give up. Maybe it is just me tho. I am so excited and expect him to be the same and not even giving credit of what is going on with him.

The process can feel overwhelming and stressful. What specifically needs to be done on his end at this point? You keep saying it's just your feeling. I'd try to relax and use an ongoing email with periodic updates that you send to him that is just non-emotional, no nonsense checklist for the visa process. Then, try to leave any of the details of the process out of your regular conversations (phone, chat). Leave the chat for small talk - like asking him how his workday is going? What did he eat for lunch? And to help you get your mind off of it a bit - spend time going out with some friends or do something with your family that you can then share with him the next time you talk. In other words, don't make the visa process the center of all your time together, especially given that you are already far apart. I think that will go a long way in alleviating the worry and stress both of you are feeling. Best wishes.

[abakada1234 0]

The process can feel overwhelming and stressful. What specifically needs to be done on his end at this point? You keep saying it's just your feeling. I'd try to relax and use an ongoing email with periodic updates that you send to him that is just non-emotional, no nonsense checklist for the visa process. Then, try to leave any of the details of the process out of your regular conversations (phone, chat). Leave the chat for small talk - like asking him how his workday is going? What did he eat for lunch? And to help you get your mind off of it a bit - spend time going out with some friends or do something with your family that you can then share with him the next time you talk. In other words, don't make the visa process the center of all your time together, especially given that you are already far apart. I think that will go a long way in alleviating the worry and stress both of you are feeling. Best wishes.

You posted a nice idea. I think I should try doing that.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

As a USC who brought his wife to the US I can share my perspective...

The NOA2 is a reality check of sorts. This is when the impending Visa starts to become a reality and it should cause both parties to sit down and have an internal review of what they're doing and how the relationship is going. Even though I was already married to my wife before we filed anything it was when I got the NOA2 that the reality of her and Gabby coming to live with me hit like a ton of bricks. Don't get me wrong, I never had doubts about the relationship but suddenly it was like "Am I ready for another small child in my life?" and "I've been living single for 10 years now, can I cope to sharing my life with someone on a full time basis again?". Up until the NOA2 my obligations to them were long distance, send money and be available for e-mail phone calls, chat etc. Now suddenly they're that much closer to being in the same house with us. Every doubt I had abut my ability to properly care for them can swelling to the surface and I was overwhelmed.

If he is still providing the documents you need then he has not abandoned the relationship. My wife really took charge of the whole process being proactive even for the I-130 filing. She compiled the lists and gathered documents then e-mailed everything to me for my review. It helped me a lot more than I could ever express to her.

[abakada1234 0]

I picked up on that, but you said, " My feeling is that, he is not into it." - so you are worried that the USC is foot-dragging?

When I saw "pinay" I thought that you were a naturalized Philipina and were doing the petition for him. I stand corrected.

Enough said, I hope you two get to communicate on a better level before you both go through with something

that will be very hard to undo once it's done.

You're smart to the highest level. hehehe. No, I'm not worried if he is foot dragging. i am just concerned if he really is sure of his feelings or not. We had a recent talk like last week tho, I was upset last week of what he said. I thought it was the last draw of my patience. But we tried to talk it over. he told me he can't move on life without me or if I will be lost he doesn't want to continue living. I was touched by that. my heart is probably just trying to look for things to supplement his physical presence. its been quite awhile sine we were together. almost a year now.

Edited July 27, 2011 by pinay_35

[thongd4me 69]

You're smart to the highest level. hehehe. No, I'm not worried if he is foot dragging. i am just concerned if he really is sure of his feelings or not. We had a recent talk like last week tho, I was upset last week of what he said. I thought it was the last draw of my patience. But we tried to talk it over. he told me he can't move on life without me or if I will be lost he doesn't want to continue living. I was touched by that. my heart is probably just trying to look for things to supplement his physical presence. its been quite awhile sine we were together. almost a year now.

I think you will do OK, because if only on a comparative level,

I've seen many more posts where the issue is that there is a

high level of suspicion regarding the other party in the visa journey.

Apparently this is not your problem, but rather you miss each other

and feel out of sorts because you can't reach out and see and touch

the other physically.

As time goes by, your relationship will evolve naturally and you will

both move beyond the "words of love" level to the "living life" level

which can be an eye-opener for some who are not prepared to deal

with those different issues, like what to eat on a day to day basis

and does one tend to be forgetful or thoughtless and what additional

demands will be put on one or both of you as a result of being married.

A case in point: the American husband thinks that because he is getting

a Thai wife that he will be getting daily Thai massages. It turns out that

the American husband is the one GIVING Thai massages instead of

getting them, because his wife was used to getting frequent massages

because they are affordable in Bangkok while here they are not.

I give massages willingly and don't complain because she does so

much more for me than I do for her. That's life. When we go to Thailand

I will make sure that we both will be getting massages every day....