Petitioner doesn't want to get married

[Delaw 0]

No I'm not kidding. Have you read the posts about the sort of trouble some immigrants who are desperate (and some just because they're a$$holes) cause? it would be the best way to protect himself. Invite a friend and he's "ganging up on her". Even if she did end up leaving she could make his life hard and it would be smart to protect himself.

It honestly don't matter WHAT went wrong. This is his life and his choice. Just because she has kids doesn't mean he should change his mind or go against what he feels out of guilt. This just causes more trouble/hassles down the line. The fact she's refusing to leave indicates to me she's after the GC and not him. I don't care if I sold everything, if 2 weeks after i arrived my guy told me he didn't want me any more I'd be gone.

Selling up everything for that first flight (to activate the K1) is a bit foolish... esp as many couples (unfortunately) don't know each other as well as they should and some haven't lived together outside of a quick visit. It's no joke and the reality of "forever" sometimes is too much for people. Even those that think that knew each other well are having or have had relationship troubles and are considering returning home. Tony and I were together a while before I immigrated and I was still nervous that the "forever" reality of living together would be different to the visit/s. I sold/donated my stuff when I went home the last time. Maybe I'm overly rational but I certainly didn't want to be in a difficult position if it didn't work out.. it would suck yes but I'd be okay.

Not to be rude but his OP actually SAYS that he is the petitioner and that his wife is a K1 and has 2 k2 kids.

Just imagine yourself being sent back when you entered the US by your guy? What will be your story when you are back home? What will you tell your parents, friends, and even your enemies? I want you to visualize yourself in such situation and then attempt the question again...

[Delaw 0]

No I'm not kidding. Have you read the posts about the sort of trouble some immigrants who are desperate (and some just because they're a$$holes) cause? it would be the best way to protect himself. Invite a friend and he's "ganging up on her". Even if she did end up leaving she could make his life hard and it would be smart to protect himself.

It honestly don't matter WHAT went wrong. This is his life and his choice. Just because she has kids doesn't mean he should change his mind or go against what he feels out of guilt. This just causes more trouble/hassles down the line. The fact she's refusing to leave indicates to me she's after the GC and not him. I don't care if I sold everything, if 2 weeks after i arrived my guy told me he didn't want me any more I'd be gone.

Selling up everything for that first flight (to activate the K1) is a bit foolish... esp as many couples (unfortunately) don't know each other as well as they should and some haven't lived together outside of a quick visit. It's no joke and the reality of "forever" sometimes is too much for people. Even those that think that knew each other well are having or have had relationship troubles and are considering returning home. Tony and I were together a while before I immigrated and I was still nervous that the "forever" reality of living together would be different to the visit/s. I sold/donated my stuff when I went home the last time. Maybe I'm overly rational but I certainly didn't want to be in a difficult position if it didn't work out.. it would suck yes but I'd be okay.

Not to be rude but his OP actually SAYS that he is the petitioner and that his wife is a K1 and has 2 k2 kids.

Just imagine yourself being sent back when you entered the US by your guy? What will be your story when you are back home? What will you tell your parents, friends, and even your enemies? I want you to visualize yourself in such situation and then attempt the question again...Do you really love this your American guy or...?

[patient2010 93]

wow sorry about your situatuion Good luck with whatever decision you make

[Liz&Nate 23]

Well, to the question of "extricating oneself" from the situation, the answer is, don't get married. After the I-94 expires, the fiancee and children will be in the US illegally. As far as I know there are no financial obligations towards the K1/2 holders. I do believe there is a moral obligation, but that is besides the point. Every situation is different and OP didn't present enough facts for anyone to have an informed opinion. As sad and as tough as it sounds, the one of the purposes of the K1 visa is to allow time for the couple to get to know each other. However I agree with giving the relationship more than two weeks.

[rayandcherry 10]

Nobody knows your situation but you, so don't pay attention to the brow-beaters or other unsolicited person relationship advice.

To answer the facts of your actual post, she becomes an illegal immigrant at the 90 day mark. Similar, you have no legal requirement to continue housing her if the situation is truly beyond reconciliation.

Good luck with whatever happens.

[nikolacolada 21]

Well, to the question of "extricating oneself" from the situation, the answer is, don't get married. After the I-94 expires, the fiancee and children will be in the US illegally. As far as I know there are no financial obligations towards the K1/2 holders. I do believe there is a moral obligation, but that is besides the point. Every situation is different and OP didn't present enough facts for anyone to have an informed opinion. As sad and as tough as it sounds, the one of the purposes of the K1 visa is to allow time for the couple to get to know each other. However I agree with giving the relationship more than two weeks.

I have to disagree that the K1 is to allow a couple to get to know each other. Although that may be what many people use the 3 months for, I believe the 3 months is to plan a wedding. If you aren't sure that you want to marry the person you are petitioning, in my own opinion, you have no reason to file a K1 petition. It makes the wait time and process longer for those of us who ARE sure we want to marry the person we've petitioned for.

On top of that it seems the OP allowed less than 3 weeks to "get to know" his fiance? Unless he thought he knew her and she turned out to have a completely different personality once she arrived in the US, this sounds like a really ridiculous situation where someone did not take the responsibilities of a K1 visa seriously.

BUT the OP did not come here for criticism or judgement, just advice. My advice - to "extricate" yourself from the situation don't marry her. You legally have no financial responsibility for her or her children. Like many others here have suggested though- you may have a moral obligation.

[Deputy Purple 1,294]

Just imagine yourself being sent back when you entered the US by your guy? What will be your story when you are back home? What will you tell your parents, friends, and even your enemies? I want you to visualize yourself in such situation and then attempt the question again...Do you really love this your American guy or...?

How is that relevant to the situation?

She's an adult too. She has to live with the consequences of her actions just like he does.

Why would you throw good money after bad money? Both sides need to cut their loses and recover from a bad decision they both made.

I'd tired of hearing people talk about the alien spouse/fiance(e) like they're a child and the victim of the US Citizen if the relationship doesn't work out. They should have understood the chance that things wouldn't work out.

FWIW, this is a great example of what's wrong with the whole concept of K-1 Visas:

* It has become the preferred method by many because they falsely believe that it's still a lot quicker than the CR/IR route.

* Too many people think the 90 days is to see if they're compatible as a couple when the truth is that it's to allow them time to arrange the wedding and get married.

I personally think that K-1 should only be available to couples who can demonstrate it would be nearly impossible for them to get married in the other country. I believe if the marriage commitment is required BEFORE POE then it will force more couples to take a deeper look at themselves and be more serious about it.

[Lisamarie 79]

It seems like people are throwing a lot of opinions out there without even knowing the situation. How do you know she left everything? How do you know she sold her house, left her apartment, or anything else for that matter? Maybe she lived with family for all we know, and didn't really give up anything. Maybe she didn't have a job that she left. Without more information we don't know what happened with them or what she left or didn't leave behind.

To the OP: None of us are sure what you mean by a "disaster" but if there are lots of cultural differences that is very normal. Both people have to give and take, and adjust to each other's way of life, and compromise. It can't be all your way because she is in the USA. She will need to have some familiarity in her home, whatever that may be. It also can't be all her way, you can't change everything in your home to make her comfortable or happy. Also, having a ready-made family come into your life suddenly would bring a mountain of changes, which maybe you weren't prepared for.

My suggestion is to change the date of the return flight, and give it more time to see if things calm down and you can work it out. But if you know that's not possible then just end it now. Getting married for the wrong reasons will just cause many problems later on. Best of luck to you;)

[Lisamarie 79]

oops....double post.

Also, I'm very sorry to hear about your job and I hope you will find another one soon...

Edited July 26, 2011 by Lisamarie

[san diego 407]

So wait a minute... you havent really explained "disaster" but I'll tell you this mate, I'm flying 3,500 miles to marry my fiance (ironically on the 29th) and let me tell you, If she lost her job and changed her mind and told me to go home, I'd be mighty pissed. I've sold everything I own except the clothes and few bits I am traveling with and have given up my flat. I'd be broke, jobless, hurt and homeless and I don't have the two kids she has with her with me! Think on it. You've got 90 days to make it or break it. I don't really know the circumstances as you really didn't say but I wouldn't want to return home to nothing.

-Jock

Right on!

[Boiler 44,852]

The only problem you have is getting her out of the house, and her children.

Not really an Immigration issue, well for you.

[san diego 407]

Dear fellow VJers,

I see all sorts of calls for getting a police, etc.. I am sorry but this terrifies me.. Have we lost our humane compassion?? I am USC.. However, grow-up! When you bring foreign fiancee, you do have responsibilities! If you cannot handle them you should find someone here. I am terrified even with people that buy a dog and once they move or feel tired of it they get rid of it so they would be put to sleep. This is terrible! Now, you are dealing with people! If you are not absolutely sure that you want to spend your entire life with this person do not get them here! Do not plug the system with your applications for K1.. You disrupt their lives. At least have responsibility to return their lives to normal! My opnion is: if you bring someone here and disrupt their lives you have responsibility to completely restore their lives to what it was before you disrupted it. This is just my opinion. For example, I am a very hto -tempered person. However, I realize that my wife have nothing here.. So, I hold my temper and do not argue with her even when she is unreasonable.. just because of this..

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Just imagine yourself being sent back when you entered the US by your guy? What will be your story when you are back home? What will you tell your parents, friends, and even your enemies? I want you to visualize yourself in such situation and then attempt the question again...

That's the thing, I DID. If I knew you personally I would suggest you call my mum and friends and ask. We discussed divorce and our views on it. I looked into divorce in Iowa (where we would marry and eventually settle) to make sure it wouldn't be too hard or expensive. I didn't even empty my bedroom or take all my clothes when I first went over. I told them that I hoped it work, I think I even have blog entries (a private online diary type thing) where I talked about how I would feel if it didn't work out. How embarassing it would be to return home but how that would be better than stuck in a country to be honest I wasn't even sure I LIKED at the time. Let's be honest here, it's completely different for me being a single girl, with a loving family back home with a place to return to. It's also not THAT big of a deal if it didn't work out. Relationships don't work out. It would simply be like moving towns (and that's how I thought about it for the longest time).

If tony told me to go I would be so heartbroken that he even suggested it that I would NOT stay and fight and he knew/knows that. In the beginning things were still fragile and "new" having never lived permanently together, and given my last "live in bf" situation sucked I was entirely prepared NOT to put my name on a lease or anything permanent until I was sure, to ensure I could leave. Tony also told my mother he would pay for a return flight if it didn't work out but she had money just in case. I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist.

And so again, lets be real, it doesn't work out after 2 weeks they didn't know each other well enough. I'm not saying I knew tony well enough, we've been married 18+ months and I'm still learning more about him/us but I was realistic about my expectations and I had no kids to worry about so it wasn't a huge risk.

[VanessaTony 3,567]

Dear fellow VJers,

I see all sorts of calls for getting a police, etc.. I am sorry but this terrifies me.. Have we lost our humane compassion?? I am USC.. However, grow-up! When you bring foreign fiancee, you do have responsibilities! If you cannot handle them you should find someone here. I am terrified even with people that buy a dog and once they move or feel tired of it they get rid of it so they would be put to sleep. This is terrible! Now, you are dealing with people! If you are not absolutely sure that you want to spend your entire life with this person do not get them here! Do not plug the system with your applications for K1.. You disrupt their lives. At least have responsibility to return their lives to normal! My opnion is: if you bring someone here and disrupt their lives you have responsibility to completely restore their lives to what it was before you disrupted it. This is just my opinion. For example, I am a very hto -tempered person. However, I realize that my wife have nothing here.. So, I hold my temper and do not argue with her even when she is unreasonable.. just because of this..

I disagree. THEY made a choice to leave give up their lives, where the USC may have chosen to do the same. She made the choice to move, her choice to sell everything. She didn't need or have to. I would not have expected Tony to reset my life back to how it was just as he would not expect the same of me. It's love, not a contract! I took a risk sure, but so did Tony in inviting this immigrant into his life and into his country. Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.

Calling the police is a sane thing to do. We don't know what sort of woman she is but he needs to protect HER and himself. He needs them there to ensure she doesn't cause much of a scene, he needs them there to see he's doing the right thing by trying to pay for her hotel etc while she waits for the flight. Heck if they're worried she'll flip out send a plain clothes policeman so the uniform doesn't scare her or the kids. This sounds inhumane but he's TRYING to get her back home. He's TRYING to be a good guy and she's refusing to go yet you say he should just suck it up? No. He should do what's right for him while not being a pr*ck about it sure.

[TiklingGuy 211]

The thing is everyone can preach the "should of, could of, would of" all day long. But that still leaves the person stuck with the same problem. Being stranded in a foreign country. The best thing the OP can do to correct the situation is to get them back home to the same life they had before. That is the human thing to do, no harm is being done.

John