-sigh- Here We Go - Divorce, Scam, Legal Woes - HELP!

[rheanick 42]

First major update all!!

I can tell you that your prayers have really proven beneficial.

My attorney received the amazing news that the judge has overturned the decision to award the $500 per month alimony after appealing the decision.

As of now, the alimony has been kicked out the door.

Additionally, I have an appointment with an ICE representative who was involved in her initial arrest back in 2008.

Tables are beginning to turn in our favor, and we are not going to stop pursuing this evil creature until fully victorious.

Now, to tackle the remaining issues in short order.

Many thanks to everyone here for the amazing advice and encouragement!

We might just win this thing.

Good to hear your update. I'm also filipina but i dont tolerate your wife's attitude.

[HotPinay-KoolKano 10]

Good God man, you can't make it up better than this! Another hall of famer for sure.

So singed, in the long run the question is what defect is there in your personality that allows a bold faced liar to pee down your back and tell you it is raining? Naivite, gullibility, trusting to the point of utter stupidity... These are traits I have in common with you. Once I recognized that, I decided to read up on manipulative personality disordres and study the enemy so I could protect myself from them. Both of us lack a certain kind of "radar" that most other people have that allows them to see through manipulative B.S. It is amazing how successful they can be at it though, once they get hold of a target.

First of all, these people are hunting for you 24/7. They know how to recognize you at a distance from your happy-go-lucky face, your polite and cheerful attitude, your sincerity, etc. - and most of all they can see you have a conscience. So of course you are going to marriage counseling to try being an even better husband to this Frankenstein beast while she thinks about how she can get you put into jail on unjustified charges, ruin you financially, and harm your children. Ha ha! The absurdity of that. I can laugh with you because I have been there.

Your lawyer can take seven grand cash in advance from you and tell you to plead guilty to first degree murder. You don't want him to be upset, so you take the life sentence. Really, can you believe this - he essentially advised you to misrepresent this monster to the court by not informing the court of her felony child abuse, extortion, assault - under the theory it will look like "retaliation" if you report her. There is no reason for tolerating child abuse, period. Your lawyer works for you. He represents what you tell him or he is fired. You are in charge, not him.

That is, by the way, what manipulative people do: they make outrageous charges against you, usually accuse you of what they themselves are doing, and then when you defend yourself by saying it is you who are being victimized by them, yes - they accuse you of retaliation. Your lawyer is either working for her, he is stupid, unscrupulous, or incompetent.

When I realized I was at a crisis point - where I knew I was in over my head and I did not have the skills to respond to it - I read three books in rapid succession. One was "In Sheep's Clothing", and that was the best of them. Another was "Nasty People". The third was "Take the Bully by the Horns". Then I started reading widely on all these related disorders - narcissism, sociopaths, emotional vampires, serial killers, con-men, etc. and started to see all the commonalities. What it really did - studying my enemy - was teach me about myself. What my weaknesses were.

The theme through all of it is that these people have absolutely no scruples, no conscience, and no mercy: they exist and there is nothing you can do to change them. All you can do is learn how to recognize them and defend yourself from them. Avoiding them like the plague is the best policy. But when you have to deal with them, then you will know every single tactic they use by name. Before you learn this stuff, you feel like you are being kind of led along. Something feels wrong but you cannot quite see or vocalize what it is. It's frustrating. Baffling.

You are going around thinking everyone is motivated like you are - to be honest and forthright, fair, kind and giving. People don't need to earn your respect and trust because you give it too freely. I can tell you I am an astronaut writing you from the space station right now and you will give me the benefit of the doubt because you wouldn't tell a lie like that. If someone tells you that my name is not on the astronaut list, then all I have to do is tell you another lie - "of course not, because I work for the CIA. That's why my name is not on the list." I'll make you feel really bad for talking to anyone about it and jeapordizing my cover.

If you didn't tolerate lies, people wouldn't lie to you. If you could recognize lies better, along with the double-bind, shaming, guilt-tripping, evasion, denial, selective memory/attention, etc. then you could call them the instant they are played on you. These incessant little ambushes manipulators are always setting for you, in their infinite variations. Start off with "In Sheep's Clothing". That's my top recommendation. But read widely.

Likely one of the most profound posts I've ever read here... well put!

[justashooter 430]

our old friend valsu returns to continue the tale:

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/168421-what-happened-to-valsu/

do a search by user name for the entire soap opera.

self delusion is a powerful binding, and is terribly entertaining to a candid observer.

Edited July 29, 2011 by justashooter

[Glyn and Kathy 288]

our old friend valsu returns to continue the tale:

http://www.visajourn...pened-to-valsu/

do a search by user name for the entire soap opera.

self delusion is a powerful binding, and is terribly entertaining to a candid observer.

[Singed 12]

our old friend valsu returns to continue the tale:

http://www.visajourney.com/forums/topic/168421-what-happened-to-valsu/

do a search by user name for the entire soap opera.

self delusion is a powerful binding, and is terribly entertaining to a candid observer.

Great memory, Sir! That was definitely my delusional plea for help back when I went through the struggles of "blaming myself" for everything. I haven't a clue what my old account info was though, so I lost my first name, and now stuck with the last.

Of course, you and some others were totally correct with your assumptions, and I wish I had listened to you and taken the advice provided to me by a few back then.

I am just that dumb fool who always gives someone another chance to burn me, and 95% of the time, they do.

After starting on some of the books a gentleman mentioned above, I certainly will not be that naive again.

I am sure I did not agree with some of the posters' opinions in that day, but now I truly respect their viewpoints and appreciate the fact that they, along with yourself, chose to speak with boldness and be real about the situation--and to that, I owe you my thanks.

Well, I am finally home from work, so I am going to take a little time to answer a few questions.

[Singed 12]

And I'm sorry if I sounded harsh...I hate anyone getting used or scammed and I really hate when children are involved. You're not the first person to pick a bad partner and you won't be the last...Lord knows I picked some doozies. I hope things work out and if anything you learned something from that whole mess.

Thank you for your words. I have certainly learned a lot from this entire experience. I will just be keeping my kids first from now on, and pouring all my focus into them. I should have been doing that from the start anyhow, and perhaps I'd never gotten into this mess.

[Singed 12]

I'm sooo sorry on what happened to you...

I'm also a Filipina and I felt ashamed that one of our fellow Filipina doing this kind of Scam..

But for clarification Not all Filipina are like that being B#$#$@)...

I hope that you start focusing with your Kids, they need you more than anything at this time and hopefully you will get back to your normal life living with your kids and with your mom they are the only people whom you can love & trust nconditionally..

I'll always include you on My prayers.... God Bless you and your kids/mom.

Well, no worries. I am certainly not biased against Filipinos over the situation. I have so many good friends, including those I made during the marriage, who are filipino, and I plan to continue my friendships with them. After everything she and I had gone through, most of them were quite shocked at how it played out in the end.

[Singed 12]

First and far most HIRE a different lawyer who will be working in your and the kids best interest.

Second as someone suggest. stop reading her FB page.

Third, seek the advise of a finance planner, who can help you to get out of some of these finance straits.

Fourth stop believing in that Tampos BS, you have been played.

Fifth, put one foot in front of the other and move forward, there is some sun light at the end of all of this darkness. Just believe it, and the light will start to appear.

Good luck moving forward.

I was somewhat shocked to have bumped into my original immigration attorney while shopping the other day (both of us were an hour from our homes oddly enough). He had heard what took place since he was sent some paperwork, and he told me he would give me a nice discount on any of my next services. So, I have a feeling I will be calling him soon.

As for her FB page, I only kept her friended long enough to make sure she finally removed mine and the children's photos from her page, and spy whether or not she was still in the state she fled too. Reason for that was after she left, certain filipino people I didn't recognize tried on numerous occasions to break into my house--damaging more than 4 sets of locks and my fence. I wanted to make sure she hadn't come back to town. I certainly wasn't dramatizing over her absence.

Also, you are right. I definitely need financial advice from this point forward. I am certainly awaiting more light at the end of the tunnel.

[Singed 12]

sorry to hear this and we will pray for you&your children. others can learn from ur story. not sure why people act the way they do. maybe its culture shock that other people come here&all of a sudden they want it all. I had a friend at some point from the same country that once she saw her friends buying homes all of a sudden the mobile home she shared with her American husband was not good enough. She was talking about vawa&at the same time I did not know until now what vawa was. its almost like this: demand things from him cars, houses, credit cards and force him into debt and when he says no falsely accuse him&file a vawa claim. Hopefully you and your family can heal from this.

I still wonder at times if this is not what happened. She certainly seemed very sincere at times, and it could simply have been the "wanting it all" syndrome--especially with her having a wealthy sister.

However, in the end, a scam is a scam, and I certainly got played--whether it was pre-meditated or cultured.

Overall, I am just glad it is over and no further damage was done than what already has taken place.

[Singed 12]

Agree with Lifes Journey here:

1. Fire your current lawyer and hire someone else. If it makes you feel better, speak to another lawyer BEFORE firing your current one (nothing wrong with second opinions) to see what they think. Perhaps consider hiring a female lawyer, then its not the evil man against the poor little woman. Also consider hiring one that has an immigration lawyer in the same firm so they can discuss the I-864 stuff.

2. Contact ICE. Report the child abuse to police. I disagree that contacting them (police and/or ICE) and telling them about the abuse would go against you. Find out whether the children told anyone about the abuse before everything went bad. You don't need to discuss the ICE stuff in family court, but you might end up mentioning the child abuse... if you can keep the kid out of it though that's better.

3. Contact a financial advisor. You can file bankruptcy in a way to not lose the house. Explore your options here.

4. Start doing fun things with the kids. Even if they're free things you want to start bringing joy back into their lives. I'm thinking some family counselling BUT sometimes dwelling makes things worse. They need to be told though that SHE is a bad person and that they did nothing wrong. You want to sympathise with them but not allow it to turn into something to obsess about. I know that sounds bad but it's like controlled crying with babies. If you go and pick them up the second they cry they'll cry just for attention. Something bad happened to them (and you) and you need to acknowledge that and move on with life. Teach them that life sometimes sucks but they just need to pick themselves up and move on and up. I'm sure they'll be fine.

I do have one question though, so she became eligible to ROC in December?? It's now July and she hasn't ROC'd? Her status is cancelled and she will be deported. Perhaps you should also advise ICE where she is (and the marriage fraud) and she'll be arrested again. Do you have ANY evidence that she married you for the GC? Can you get a letter/report from the woman's shelter (I doubt it) that she was there lying? Honestly though that's kinda old news and you took her back so... I don't know... At least she's out of your life and your children's life. The FB page stuff can help show that she doesn't require support per the terms of the I-864.

p.s. She doesn't qualify for "express citizenship". Married to you she could have been a USC in 3 years, divorced it's 5 years. Had she tried VAWA she could have still got it in 3 years. I'm sorry this happened to you and your kids.

Wonderful advice all packed in this message. I have definitely spent much more quality time with the children. We have been doing more activities together than ever, and work has eased on me to the point where I can do more with them.

As for her ROC, I am not sure how that will be handled when it is a court matter. I know once USCIS was taken out of the picture during her AOS situation back in 2008, the standard rules no longer applied in certain things. She might get certain waivers, or such, since our case is still being handled in the court.

As for getting a letter from the shelter, no, but I do have ALL of the paperwork she brought home from the stay at the shelter--which I am sure she left by accident and forgot to throw away.

Lastly, I agree, I am sure the "express" thing she was convinced of was misinformation/miscommunication from her friends, and certainly backfired on her.

[Singed 12]

GOOD ADVICE above. Might fire the attorney as someone said maybe five minutes before the next hearing and tell the judge you feel you have not been represented adequately and need a continuance to go over the case history.

I would not report child abuse to the Police directly and I would mention your strong concern with ICE and that you have taken the children to be interviewed and assessed by social services child protection. They will get the story from the kids directly and will write up nice report for your next court date and as a bonus will include a restraining order on your wife from coming within 100 yards of the kids. Ask the judge to reward you money based on her above average earnings and the damage she caused resulting in them having to attend therapy.

Tell the kids to be honest and they will explain that she was threatening them if they told you its a common abuser tactic. Then sit back and let the system do its thing. They will do investigation, question her, charge her and arrest her. She can wait to be deported in the safety of a 10x8 cell.

We don't let child abusers adjust status, period. Stay on the phone with ICE until you get someone who will listen and act like mentioned. Document every step of the way. You should prepare your story above in affidavit form easy for judge to read, spell out dates and times, especially AOS tantrum date etc. Include it with a big bold title "CASE HISTORY", if they won't let you tell your story out loud in court, tell it on paper.

Good luck

Good luck

You state you would not report the abuse to the police, but I assume you meant opposite.

I spoke with my previous immigration attorney, and he said to definitely avoid CPS and go to the police--so I am very glad they rescheduled my appointment earlier this week.

[Singed 12]

Good God man, you can't make it up better than this! Another hall of famer for sure.

So singed, in the long run the question is what defect is there in your personality that allows a bold faced liar to pee down your back and tell you it is raining? Naivite, gullibility, trusting to the point of utter stupidity... These are traits I have in common with you. Once I recognized that, I decided to read up on manipulative personality disordres and study the enemy so I could protect myself from them. Both of us lack a certain kind of "radar" that most other people have that allows them to see through manipulative B.S. It is amazing how successful they can be at it though, once they get hold of a target.

First of all, these people are hunting for you 24/7. They know how to recognize you at a distance from your happy-go-lucky face, your polite and cheerful attitude, your sincerity, etc. - and most of all they can see you have a conscience. So of course you are going to marriage counseling to try being an even better husband to this Frankenstein beast while she thinks about how she can get you put into jail on unjustified charges, ruin you financially, and harm your children. Ha ha! The absurdity of that. I can laugh with you because I have been there.

Your lawyer can take seven grand cash in advance from you and tell you to plead guilty to first degree murder. You don't want him to be upset, so you take the life sentence. Really, can you believe this - he essentially advised you to misrepresent this monster to the court by not informing the court of her felony child abuse, extortion, assault - under the theory it will look like "retaliation" if you report her. There is no reason for tolerating child abuse, period. Your lawyer works for you. He represents what you tell him or he is fired. You are in charge, not him.

That is, by the way, what manipulative people do: they make outrageous charges against you, usually accuse you of what they themselves are doing, and then when you defend yourself by saying it is you who are being victimized by them, yes - they accuse you of retaliation. Your lawyer is either working for her, he is stupid, unscrupulous, or incompetent.

When I realized I was at a crisis point - where I knew I was in over my head and I did not have the skills to respond to it - I read three books in rapid succession. One was "In Sheep's Clothing", and that was the best of them. Another was "Nasty People". The third was "Take the Bully by the Horns". Then I started reading widely on all these related disorders - narcissism, sociopaths, emotional vampires, serial killers, con-men, etc. and started to see all the commonalities. What it really did - studying my enemy - was teach me about myself. What my weaknesses were.

The theme through all of it is that these people have absolutely no scruples, no conscience, and no mercy: they exist and there is nothing you can do to change them. All you can do is learn how to recognize them and defend yourself from them. Avoiding them like the plague is the best policy. But when you have to deal with them, then you will know every single tactic they use by name. Before you learn this stuff, you feel like you are being kind of led along. Something feels wrong but you cannot quite see or vocalize what it is. It's frustrating. Baffling.

You are going around thinking everyone is motivated like you are - to be honest and forthright, fair, kind and giving. People don't need to earn your respect and trust because you give it too freely. I can tell you I am an astronaut writing you from the space station right now and you will give me the benefit of the doubt because you wouldn't tell a lie like that. If someone tells you that my name is not on the astronaut list, then all I have to do is tell you another lie - "of course not, because I work for the CIA. That's why my name is not on the list." I'll make you feel really bad for talking to anyone about it and jeapordizing my cover.

If you didn't tolerate lies, people wouldn't lie to you. If you could recognize lies better, along with the double-bind, shaming, guilt-tripping, evasion, denial, selective memory/attention, etc. then you could call them the instant they are played on you. These incessant little ambushes manipulators are always setting for you, in their infinite variations. Start off with "In Sheep's Clothing". That's my top recommendation. But read widely.

I love your post and the amazing advice here. I was almost left speechless after reading this.

Thank you so much for the recommendations on the books as well.

Your wisdom in this area is highly profound, and am very grateful you took the time to conjure up this work of art and express it in such a systematic way.

Even after realizing my weaknesses, your insight here has helped me understand moreso how I fell into this trap. My hope is that I can help others not to become victimized by such predators in a similar fashion as you described.

[Singed 12]

Wow i have to say I admire your persistence! If as many people put that much work in there marriages the divorce rate would drop like a rock! But yea I would have let her butt get deported! Its crazy how love can blind you sometimes! Anyways my thoughts and prayers go out to you man hope you and your family can get back on your feet.

You know, the more people told me to let her get deported, the more I fought to prevent it--thinking she'd change if I gave her another chance.

Marriage counselors and church pastors pretty much had me convinced that I needed to be patient and always put the wife first, be forgiving, understanding of emotions, etc.

In the end, I only have myself to blame for being so blinded and naive.

I think pride also played a part as well. When I was a child, I swore to myself I would never get a divorce after what I went through from my parent's divorce--and now, I have endured two divorces. I really let my pride get in the way of proper judgement--making me a complete fool in the end. I should have ended both relationships much earlier on, but I am quite stubborn.

[Singed 12]

Agreed: Everyone, PLEASE avoid quoting the entire original post in your replies.

OP: As stated by others:

1. File a report with Child Protective Services immediately.

2. Take their written report to your police station.

3. Take their written report(s) to ICE, in person, as Darnell recommended. Also -- and this wasn't suggested previously, that I saw -- report to ICE (with back-up in writing, if you have it) that the attorneys (and judge?) are influencing you to commit immigration fraud by suggesting (ordering?) your filing and paying for the ROC. You can bet your remaining dollars that you'll shoot to the top of the priority list -- first ICE's, and by extension the attorneys' and court's -- when you do this. To end the charade and much of your pain, you must do this.

Performing the actions above should take care of your attorney problems.

Remember that the Federal government has unlimited time and resources to make our lives miserable. You have the rare opportunity to turn this to your advantage. Do the above immediately, and stand back and watch how quickly and completely matters swing in your favor.

When I first read this advice, I was blown away at the clarity. I never even considered that is what they were forcing me in to--and I probably would have taken the heat for it later from signing it unknowingly.

Well, the case has turned somewhat in my favor since presenting this to the family court, which apparently has no clue about immigration law.

I owe the turnings of my tides to your incredible advice here! Thank you so much!

[Singed 12]

I appreciate the encouragement and advice everyone has offered. To those who have us in your prayers, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I find the community here at VJ very refreshing and helpful.

As for an update:

As stated above, we have won the Alimony case, and will not be charged any maintenance.

Next, I presented new evidence to my case in regards to signing the ROC after the divorce is fraud--that decision is still pending in the court.

I also spoke directly with the ICE agent who arrested her, and he still recalled the event that day. He said the shelter had told him they were sure she was committing immigration fraud, and he said he presumed as much himself. Of course, he states he was just doing his job, and had no say in the matter after she was detained. Also, he made another statement, which was quite startling--he had asked her if he could call me (the husband) to come pick her up, and she said no! So, he made the arrest upon her refusal. I can't believe they gave her a chance to go home, and she turned it down. Anyhow, he wants some documentation for certain things which I will be providing after my next work trip--so more updates on that one later.

Lastly, I went to the police headquarters in town, and they first said to make an appointment with DHR. I asked to speak to the chief, and he granted us an appointment so they can take a report from the kids directly, and separated. So hopefully, I can keep this out of the hands of CPS--but we'll see what happens. Either way, I am just glad they're taking some form of action.

Got to love that 20/20 hindsight.